I wish I had the life people think I have...

MOVED!!!!

2007-09-30T17:43:00.000-04:00

Mrslish.wordpress.com

Lawd Ah Mercy

2007-06-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

Friday night Shawnla somehow ropes me into hanging out with her little brother" Its okay sweetheart go ahead." Aww Hell! I usually don't hang out with cats I don't know. Last time I did that drinks got thrown and fingers were pointed at me to GET OOOOOUT!!! I'm going to need back up! I start scrolling through my cell phone for protection. HA! SPANKINAZZ he's always ready to go out. Probably sitting by the phone waiting for a break from his reality. Wife, two kids and a mortgage payment. I press the send button. Spankinazz picks up on the first ring" YESSIIIR! " I say " The cow has landed" Spankinazz responds" What time do we pick it up?" I say " 9 pm" Spankinazz " Nooooo problem"

I arrive at Spankinazz's house promptly at 9:05. He's already outside waiting and dressed for whatever tonights mission calls for. I push the unlock button on The Batmobile. Spankinazz opens the door and gets in. " Whats up kid " I respond " Same O Same O. Work, love, life and PAIN" Spankinazz laughs " Thats why you're my twin" We both laugh at the same time and I pull off.

As i'm driving up 233rd street I turn to Spankinazz and ask" You still salty with me about helping your wife plan your surprise B-day party" Spankinazz looks at me with this devilish grin "Nah kid. Although I was kinda surprised that my own boy set me up. Do you know what kind of debauchery I had planned for that evening ! Couldn't you have told her to have that shit on Saturday! MAN! You know I hate surprises! I respond " Dog! What was I supposed to do! Tell your wife no! Spankinazz responds " Yeah! Don't you ever ever ever Dothatshitagain!" I laugh " Ooookay I SPY "

Spankinazz says " Since we're on the subject. You remember the owner of that bar where the party was right." I respond " Yeah reeeeal chatty and full of himself " Spankinazz nods in agreement " Dude was giving me free drinks all night and telling me how beautiful my wife was." I say " Okaaaay. That is a good thing right? Spankinazz " It would have been if my wife hadn't pulled me to the side and whispered in my ear baby why are you talking to him. He's such a loser" We're on the highway now and I still don't know where Spankinazz is going with this story I say " Where are you going with this" Spankinazz sucks his teeth " My man! How would she know he's a loser if she claims to have visited that bar only ONE TIME! " I look over at Spankinazz kinda puzzled " Maybe he made a pass at her" Spankinazz " Nah son its more than that" I start laughing " You think they had a moment?" Spankinazz nods his head once more in agreement. I chuckle " You want me to go in undercover and find out" Spankinazz looks straight ahead and says " You do that"

2 hours later Spankinazz, myself and Shawnla's brother D-Stunna are waiting on line to get into the hottest Old School nightspot in NYC called The Freedom Party. I turn around and notice D-Stunna still has on his shades" Umm why do you still have those on." D-Stunna nods his head showing me his pearly whites " Thats how I roll" I think to myself " This is going to be a looooong night" before we go inside the Bouncer stops me dead in my tracks! " That baseball cap has to go" D-Stunna says " Thats some bullshit I just saw two dudes walk in with hats!" Here we go! I have to diffuse this shit quick! I calmly say " No problem dude I'll just put it in my back pocket" Bouncer says " I don't think so. You need to take it to your car. No baseball caps in the club" Think SLISH! before The Slasher wakes up and tells this fool his mammy should have fed him veggies instead of WALRUS MEAT!!! I tell D-Stunna and Spankinazz to go in without me. I look around and see a gyro stand. I get off the line, walk over to the owner, and say " I'll give you 5 dollars if you hold my baseball cap for me" He takes my hat then puts his hand out. I say " Uh Uh you get the money when I come back out " Owner responds with an Indian accent" Okay my friend"

5 minutes later the promoters have given me my free pass into Dancemania! As i'm walking towards the Devil Juice distributer. I notice the club is packed with wall to wall Slasher Prey. Deep down I know an ounce of alchohol will cause a BLACK OUT! So I decided on a one drink minimum then D-Stunna yells out " I got the first round!" AWW HELL NO! He makes his way to the bar and orders 3 shots of Patron, Hennessy no ice for himself & I and a heineken for Spankinazz. We give each other a toast D-Stunna says " To my sister having such a cool ass boyfriend!" D-Stunna and Spankinazz guzzle those shots like they had been in the desert for months! I slowly sipped my shit. Last time I drank a shot that QUICK! I saw Tom chasing Jerry around my head.

A hour later Slasher has rubbed on two asses, battled one chick during Break For Love and drank 1 more shot of Patron and another glass of Henny. Then the Dj throws on some old school reggae " ITS GETTIN HOT IN HERE AH WHA DEM A GUH DO TO HOLD MI! LAWDAMERCY! ITS GETTIN WICKED IN HERE! THE PEOPLE WANT TO CONTROL ME ! ITS GETTIN HOT ITS GETTIN HOT ITS GETTIN HOT! The beat drops I point my head to the floor, raise my right hand in the air and start swaying from side to side. My Slasher sense starts to tingle " You're being watched " I turn to my right and see this 5 foot light complected sista with jingling baby hips! Looking directly at me. Mind you she rubbing her booty on the next cat! I say to Slasher " Don't you dare!" Slasher beckons Jinglin Baby with some head movement. She glides her Beyonce booty right in front of DANGER, reaches behind and grabs my waist pulling me closer to HELL!

Slasher says " You mackin me baby" Jinglin gives me a seductive smile and says " Yeah. " I turn her around so I could get a better look at the entire package. She pulls me in closer and starts her own inspection. " You have a niice body" HOLD UP!!!! Now I've been out the game for a minute. You telling me its still THIS EASY! I respond " Where you from sweetheart" Jinglin says " Manhattan" Turns back around and drops her ass to the floor taking DANGER down there with her. GOOD LAAAAAWD! She gyrates those hips back up, turns around and says" You married" I say" No" " Engaged" " No" " In a commited relationship" I smile " Das Riiiight" Jinglin stops Dancing. I'm thinking i'm about to get cussed out " She says " Thats beautiful then looks around the dance floor " Where is she?" Dumb ass she standing right behind me taking pictures for blackmail purposes! I respond " She's home baby" All of a sudden Jinglin starts to tell me her life story and how she hasn't been in a committed relationship since high school I say " Sweetheart if you don't mind me asking how old are you? " Jinglin responds " 31" GEEZUZ how do these women find me! Jinglin" I want to give you my busines card so we can stay in touch. Stay right here. I'll be right back" That was my que. Time for me to go home and get some Sleepy Buns from Shawnla.

I gather up The fellas. Spankinazz was kicking and screaming" What do you mean its time to go!" I give him the you about to get left look " AlrightAlright" We get outside. I hit the Gyro terrorist with a 5 spot and retrieve my hat. Spankinazz and D-Stunna give him their business. 5 minutes later I push the unlock button on the Batmobile alarm. As I'm getting into the car I notice Broken Glass Everywhere! Back passenger side window was SMASHED! I calmly walk over to that side of the car to get a better look. D-Stunna says " Slish how come you're not yelling obscenities right now! " I don't respond. I just think to myself

"Karma is a BITCH! Should have never squeezed Jinglin Baby's ASS!!!!!"

Outsider

2007-06-19T00:08:00.000-04:00

I've always felt like an outsider because my parents have been married for over 35 years. Most individuals i've come into contact with have never experienced that kind of union or understand what it means. When they visit with my parents their jaws are wide open in awe of the kind of relationship they have.

My mom is the Firecracker. I've seen her break plates throw pots even stay in her room the whole day because my father has not given in to her every whim. My dad is a rock, the voice of reason, his powers of perception astound even me. I remember one time while I was still living at home. I was sleeping with this chick that was married. One night she came over for her usual love injection from the Slasher. After we tussled under the sheets. I walk her downstairs to the front door, open it, kiss her softly on the lips, and close it behind her.

Slish Sr happened to be in the kitchen reading his newspaper. I walk in there, open the fridge and pour myself some orange juice. I sit down next to him. While he's still reading he says" Slishy where is that young lady from." I look around like he's talking to someone else " Excuse me" Slish Sr " Heh Heh when since yuh start date married woman" I spit the orange juice out of my mouth, wipe my face " H H How did you know that! " Slish Sr" You think I was born yesterday. Problem with you young people is you think everything you do now ain't been done before" I start laughing " No for real pops how did you know that?" Slish Sr responds" For starters she only comes over at night and its always on a Thursday" I got up from the table, walk over to the sink and place my glass in it. I turn around and bow down to my pops. As i'm walking away he says " Your mother and I didn't raise you that way. What you're doing is wrong. What if that was your wife." I didn't respond because I knew he was right. I hoped to be married one day and didn't want this kind of karma in my life so I quickly ended that relationship.

One of the problems i've always had is that I am extremely critical. When I hear about a situation that would cause my mother and father to cringe. I'm quick to say" Thats some Bullshit! Grown Folk should know better!" But what I'm really doing is alienatng myself because what I consider to be dysfunctional others consider normal and appropriate behavior.

Being raised in a middle class two parent household is probably one of the major reasons why I haven't been able to take the plunge into that happy place. I cannot and will not accept dysfunctional behavior. I was taught to nip shit in the bud before it gets out of hand. So if someone tells me " Yeah her husband used to beat her waaaay before they got married" My response " Why her dumb ass marry him then" or He got 4 kids with 3 different baby mamas" My response " Dude need to get a vasectomy!" I rarely take pity on people who are constantly walking into walls. My advice to them!

Get a new pair of glasses and some head gear cause that wall will come tumbling down. You should at least give yourself a fighting chance.

I want this

2007-06-14T22:53:00.000-04:00

You have a choice in life. If your love life sucks you can RIDE OR DIE!, Your job causing you to have panic attacks. RIDE OR DIE! For the ladies. Your New Stud Muffin is packin a little more than you expected RIDE IT OR DIE TRYIN! Thats how life is. You take the good with the bad. Most times the bad out weighs the good yet we still RIDE.

Royce asked me to give you guys a twisted version of what I want from a woman. So i've taken her list and and gave it a Slish/Slash spin. Now Slasher is wiiiide awake! . So who knows whats going to come out. Here goes

I want a Woman who

Is Physically Available-I want those ass cheeks to spread wiiide wiiide wiiide. When I walk through that door I want that ASS UP! Head down!

Is not always Emotionally Available- That can be too much for a brotha. Thats what your girlfriends are for. All that crying and whining will drive me to a Bottle of Patron!

Is Ready for a Loving Relationship and not afraid to admit it- Thats right don't introduce me to your girls and family as your " Friend" if we've been holding hands, planning trips and swapping bodily fluids for the past 6 months!

Thinks I am Sexy beast. If we're watching the tele and Morris Chestnut graces the screen. I want you to look at him then look at me and say " I'm soooo Damn Lucky"

Is Honest some of the time- Somethings you can keep to yourself. I don't need to know where you learned that trick that made my nuts SIIIIING!!! The night before

Has a strong connection to family and respects and knows their father. Its hard to build a loving relationship with a woman who does not. Believe me I knooow. I have the scars to prove it.

Is Creative-I need that in my life. Probably one of the reasons why I love Shawnla. She speaks French, writes poetry, creates beats, sings and isn't afraid of DANGER!

Is Intelligent- I'm not the brightest lamp post on the block. I rarely stay on top of current events. I need someone to make me look good in public.

Is Ambitious- I procrastinate a looooot. I need a push every now and again. If she's anything like me we'd never get anywhere.

Can Hold a Conversation- This is automatic if someone is dating me. Anyone who really knows me. Knows I talk Non Stop! So if you want to get a word in you need this specific quality.

Has a Good Sense of Humor-I have warped sense of humor. I will make a joke out of anything. Dont let me see yo mama with toothpaste around her lips.

Is interested in entertainment media -I am obsessed with Hollywood. I have all kinds of useless info in my brain. So if I turn to you and say " Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are the new Ruby dee and Ossie Davis" don't respond " Babe I don't know what you mean"

Is Stylish- I love a woman who can dress. Nothing like some tight true religion jeans and a meeean pair of Stilettos.

Isn’t skinny- sing along now " I LIKE BIG BUTTS I CANNOT LIE!" Shawnla is BOOOTYLICIOUS! Tell you the truth i'm typing this with my left hand and holding on to her booty with my right.

Has a decent job -I've already posted about this one.

Has a bank account, saving account, cds, mutual funds. Shit I ain't trying to work FOREVER!

Has health insurance-I never thought about this until I dated someone who didn't have any. Lets just say sonograms cost 250.00 a POP!!!

Knows how to drive- This can be useful. Especially If we need to be in two different places at the same time. My lady should be able to drop me off and take my whip to her destination.

Is Romantic and Affectionate- I like both my heads rubbed. Nothing like sitting between a womans legs while she caresses my Milk Dud head. Bubble baths, Scented candles, Full Body Massage with scented oils. My hands and feet manicured. I Love all that shit!

Is Considerate and Thoughtful-Very important quality. Shawnla called me today and asked if we had anything planned for the weekend before making a decision to baby sit her brothers kids. I know it seemed like a simple gesture but it meant a lot to me. She knows I don't like being around loud ass kids all day!

Is Loyal-Hateration is a muthafucka. People will do and say anything to mess up a good thing.

Is Patient and knows how to give me space- I am not the easiest person to get along with. I have terrible mood swings. Sometimes i'm damn near psychotic. The best thing to do is give me space or else you might get cut verbally.

Isn’t afraid to tell me when I am wrong- Yeah I to can be an Egomaniac no it all. A good slap in the back of the head and an occasionally be quiet( NOT SHUT UP) usually calms this beast.

Is Capable of telling me NO! I hate that word, but sometimes I need to hear it.

Is feminine- I like girly girls. Not chicks who wear slacks and jeans seven days a week. I like a nice sundress from time to time.

Is Protective of me- Thats right don't let your girls bad talk me even when i'm an asshole. Only you have that privilege.

Is in shape. You don't have to be a gym rat, but at least keep yourself from looking sloppy. If your stomach is hanging over your jeans " HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

Knows how to let her man Lead and is able to lead me in the right direction if I should lose my way.

Is Social- I am a social Icon. When I go to a social gatherings everyone wants my undivided attention. So if you are unable to play Batgirl to my Batman. Then you're going to feel cold and alone!

Likes to Smell Good-Nothing like a sweet smelling woman. Makes DANGER wish he had a nose.

Has nice Hands and Feet-Pedicure and manicure is a must! If you don't I will pay someone that will. I've done it in the past.

Is Neat-I have some nerve with this one cause I am one junky bastard. If she's a slob like me. No telling what our crib will look like on the inside.

Is Helpful - Slish is not a one man show. I can't do everything.

Isn’t too Sensitive-Like I said before I have a straaaaange sense of humor

Last but not least a Woman Who knows how to be QUIET when i'm watching my favorite television show! Don't tell me about your day when Peter Petrelli has just saved the cheerleader therefore saving the world!

The Snake Strikes

2007-06-11T00:03:00.000-04:00

Afroman trained me mostly on the weekends. I wasn't that flexible so I was unable to kick over my head therefore Afroman focused more on teaching me basic hand to hand combat. At first I really did feel like The Karate Kid because most of the moves Afroman taught me seemed useless. I would always say " Mr Afroman when I am gonna learn how to break boards, bricks and various body parts" Afroman " Little man I thought you said you wanted to learn how to defend yourself " I respond while still doing my Kata exercises " I do " Afroman " What does board breaking have to do with self defense " I respond " Duuuh. If like another kid is going to hit me with a bat! All I have to do is raise my arm and block! That bat will split in two! Ya know! Like the kid with The Golden Arm ! Afroman chuckles " The only thing you'll break is your arm. Don't believe everything you see in the Movies" I give Afroman a disappointed look " But isn't that how you learned to fight? " Afroman's grin turns into a frown, his eyes get really intense like he was having a FLASHBACK ! "No little man" I stop my exercises " How then ?" Afroman comes out of his Kata stance, walks over , pats me on the head and says " Vietnam little man Vietnam"

Couple of days later in the lunchrom at school one of my classmates Sunboy decided he wanted to take a shot at playing the Dozens with me in front of my peers. Since I couldn't really fight my mouth became a lethal weapon. Long story short I ended up calling his mother a WRINKLED FRENCH FRY! Grantlove and Good & Plenty being the instigators that they were laughed real hard " YOU GONNA LET SLISH SAY THAT ABOUT YO OLD ASS MOMMA" Sunboy was HUGE for his age and had a reputation for laying kids OUT! He Stands up, points in my direction, eyebrows tight! " YOU WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUTSIDE! "

I take a deep breath, shake my head at Grantlove and Good & Plenty " Why ya'll have to go and make it worse by laughing so hard!" Good & Plenty " It was funny! " I suck my teeth, get up from the lunch room table and walk outside with caution! As soon as I hit the schoolyard Sunboy grabs me by my jacket and starts spinning me around. I somehow wiggled my way out of that jacket and TOOK OFF!! He chased me around that schoolyard with Vigor! Although I was faster. Sunboy had better Stamina. I was getting tired and couldn't keep it up for too much longer. As I'm running for my LIFE! Afroman's image appears out of nowhere sorta Like Obi Wan . " Slishy stop running, turn around and use that boys momentum against him." I stop dead in my tracks, turn around and face Sunboy. I plant both my feet firmly on the concrete. Sunboy starts picking up speed. I take a breath! Sunboy is about 1 foot away! I reach out, grab his jacket real tight, use his own strength against him and throw him to the concrete HEAD FIRST!

Sunboy is on the floor holding his head. I check to see if he's bleeding. No blood splatter. I move in a little a closer to make sure he's okay. Sunboy looks up at me " Im really gonna kick yo ass now!" DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! Where is a NUN when you need one! The school bell rings signaling the lunch period is over. Whew! Saved by the bell literally!

I get home from school really excited about what I had done. I couldn't wait to tell Afroman the news. Then I hear loud noises coming from Afroman's apt. I kneel down on the floor and place my ear to the carpet so I could listen. " Come here BITCH! What I tell you about talking back to me!" Slap! I hear Afroman's wife cry out in pain then the sound of furniture moving. Afroman's wife must have been trying to get way from him. My stomach was tied up in knots. I felt betrayed. It was like he was hitting my own mother. My father walks in on me while I was on the floor. "Slishy get YUH BACKSIDE OFF THE FLOOR NOW! " I quickly get up pointing towards the carpet " Dad listen. " Slish Sr " I already now. Now go upstairs to your room." I slowly walk up the stairs thinking to myself " What would make a man want to hurt someone he loved. I mean my dad got upset with my mother all the time, but he never hit her. Then I remember Afroman's last words to me

" Vietnam little man Vietnam"

Iron Fist

2007-06-07T22:23:00.001-04:00

Every little boy looks up to someone when they're young. My idols back in the day were dudes that could Kick Ass. Bruce Lee, Jim Kelly, Steve Austin, Sonny Chiba, Mr T ( loved him in rocky 3) if they could chop, kick and make you spit up blood from an open palm blow to the chest. You were my hero!

When I was about 11. My parents placed an Apt rental Ad in the paper. One afternoon I went downstairs to get some Orange juice. As I walked by the living room I noticed a neatly groomed couple sitting on my parents plastic covered couch. I think to himself " Those must be the people that answered Daddy's Apt rental ad. " Slish Sr calls out to me " Come here son. I want you to meet our new tenants" I walk over and shake the gentleman's hand. I swear he had the neatest afro I had ever seen! No Split ends at ALL! Sitting next to him was this pretty chocolate lady with almond shaped eyes. She reminded me of Jodie Watley. I shook her hand as well. She smiles and says " You're so cuuuuute" Two weeks later our new tenants moved in. They were the perfect couple. The only noise coming from their apt was the sound of their newborn baby girl.

Most afternoons I spent my time in the kitchen watching television while snacking on Ritz crackers. This particular day was no different. As i'm sitting at the table changing channels I hear " Eeee Yah, Ha Yeeeah Wooooosah " I slowly turn the volume down on the television " Sah Eeee Yah Ha Woooooha" I jump out the chair and look out the Kitchen window into the backyard. WHAT!!!!! AFROMAN CAN DO MOVES LIKE BRUCE LEE! I turn the telvision off , run outside and into the Backyard to get a better look!

AfroMan's moves were fluid and hard. He notices me standing behind him cheesin while doing a Round house kick. " Hey little man whats happening " I respond " Uuuuuuhhh Nothin but uuuum could you do that round house kick one more time. That was really keeewl." Afroman obliges. I stood there like a Michael Jackson groupie. Mouth wiiiide open. Then it dawned on me! Why not ask Afroman to train me! I was getting kinda tired of my friends slapping me around. " Hey Mr Afroman could you train me. " Afroman " Hmmmmm I don't know little man your parents might not like that. " I say " Awww cmom PleasePleasePleeeease MyfriendskeephittingmeupsidemyheadIcan'tblockitintime" Afroman cuts me off " Ooookay Little man I'll train you, but promise me you'll use what you learn here to defend yourself and not to hurt others. I close my fists reeeal tight, place them beside me and bow " I promise "

My training began soon after. Little did I know. I would learn more than just how to put my foot up someone's ass.

The Saga Continues.......

Ground Hog Day

2007-06-04T00:03:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling like my inner being had slapped me across the face repeatedly. Saying shit like "Wake UP!! Your personal life hasn't gotten any better in the past 5 Years. You are still making the same DUMB mistakes. Trying to complete a circle that is far from being finished."

I feel like Bill Murray's character in that movie Ground Hog Day. Every morning I wake up its the same day. I do minor deeds through out the day to change the out come of what I already know to be a fucked up situation. I WANT THIS DAY TO END!!!! WHY WON'T THIS DAY END !?!

What piece has slipped through my grasp making it virtually impossible to complete this puzzle. I feel like i'm being punished for a crime I never committed. Why does happiness hate me so much. I'm sitting here looking at the computer screen. Both hands on the side of my cheeks thinking " What deal did my boys Phantom, White Chocolate, Good & Plenty, and Grantlove make to find happiness and prosperity. 7 years ago they were in the same boat as me single, broke, confused, and wondering when their Ground Hog Day was coming.

" OUCH" I feel a slap across the back of my head. Its Slasher " Idiot. They grabbed that Ground Hog right out of that little hole and choked it! Your letting that animal have to much control" I rub the back of my head and respond " What do you mean?" Slasher responds" Your boys married women that enhanced them made them better men. You keep falling for women that are in FLUX. Yeah they're intelligent, well educated but they NEVER have their shit together. Barney's had no job for most of your relationship, Shawnla has no job now. Bruh the only reason why you haven't bought yourself a crib, or moved into a plusher pad is because you were and are trying to build a life with women still trying to find themselves. You too old for that. You can't sit around waiting on them. Get off your ass and grab that GROUND HOG by the NECK! "

Hmph " Slasher has a valid point" When I moved out of my plush rental and into my aunts Basment apt 3 years ago. The plan was to save money and buy myself a house. Then the real estate market got crazy! Slish's salary could not compete so I was going to settle for 1 bedroom condo, but I got sidetracked by love. Figured SUCCESS was NOTHING without having someone to love me. So I readjusted my lens and focused on that instead. Today I realize that was a BIG mistake. The women I fell in love with had not found the key to their success therefore making it impossible to be successful together.

So where do I go from here. What decisions do I make in order to have the kind of life I know I deserve. Do I tell my Lady she needs to get her shit together so we can live in prosperity or do I take the cowards way out and just fade to BLACK.

Mission Impossible

2007-05-30T00:02:00.000-04:00

As you all know my break up with T Bone caused a change in your boy Slish. My Alter ego Slasher was full blown in so many ways. Any oppurtunity to cause trouble or instigate some shit! Slasher was right there ready to press any button marked DON'T TOUCH! Anyone wanting to play the dozens with me was sure to walk away with low self esteem. I was a Slick talking, Booty Grabbing JUGGERNAUT! Hmmm now that I think about it. Iwaskindofajerk!

Anyway This jerk needed to make some money so I took a job working in a Psychiatric Hospital in Rye, NY. My title was unit clerk. About a year into that thankless position and after my successful run in with The Human Shit Eater Zingaro(Please refer to my Tales from the Doo Doo Zone post) my supervisor noticed I had a way with the Crazies. She said " Mr Slish I notice our clients seem like to you. Whats your secret and would you like to make some extra cash using it." My supervisor didn't know that The Slasher was slowly driving me crazy and my only outlet was communicating with someone who was crazier than I was. Therfore the Koo Koo for Coa Coa puff population became my Gang. I respond " You want me to wear one of those white outfits don't you" She smiles and responds " You got it" pats me on the back and walks away.

I quickly became The Gatekeeper of The twilight zone. One time a patient threatened to kill anyone who approached him about taking a shower. " Mr Slish don't you come near me! I will fuck YOU UP! I laugh " I'm not gonna force you to take a shower. I'm just here to make sure you don't hurt anyone" Pt looks me up and down. I look him up and down. I reach into my back pocket, pull out my nintendo game boy, sit down on the bed next to him and start playing Tetris.

Ten minutes go by. Pt starts to feel left out of the fun. He peeks over my shoulder and says " Can I play " I chuckle, shrug my shoulders and respond " Uh Uh my brotha you gots to get your OWN! " Pt " Aww cmon Slish lemme play" I look up at him " Play me. If you win you don't have to take a shower. If I win you have to wash yo ASS! " Pt gets excited and responds " BET!!!!" Two games later he's in the bathroom playing with his imaginary yellow ducky. I tell ya The Slasher was a natural. It was like he possesed a remote control button for the insane.

Couple of months later my supervisor hired this Indian know it all named Mr Singh. He had a gift for the Deranged as well and was trying to take over by making drastic changes in the way my crew and I ran things. Mr Singh decided it was time for Zingaro to stop eating his own shit. Now my fellow colleages and I knew that was damn near impossible! We had tried many times before and paid the PRICE! But Mr Singh was determined to prove us wrong.

The following day Zingaro took a shit in his pampers and went into his bathroom to feast. Mr Singh saw this as an oppurtunity to prove he could accomplish what others couldn't. He whispers to me " Slish hold my clipboard while I sneak into the bathroom and steal Zingaro's shitty pamper." As he's walking away I grab him by the arm and say " Ummm You don't want to do that." Mr Singh gives me a smug look, pulls away and says " The hell I won't. Its time for that man to stop behaving like a SPOILED LITTLE BOY! " Mr Singh dissapears around the corner. I chuckle to myself and awaken the Slasher " Oh we'll see about that "

I run over to my coworker Wes " Yo some shit about to go down." Wes responds in his Jamaican accent " Ah wah yuh a talk bout bwoy." I say " Here. Hold this clip board" I take out my staff keys and proceeded to lock every room door on that UNIT. 2 minutes later Wes and I hear Zingaro scream " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Mr.Singh comes running around the corner smiling " I GOT IT! I GOT IT ! and heads for one of the rooms to hide in.

He turns the first door knob " SHIT! " he tries another one" OH MY GOODNESS! " he tries another and another and another. Zingaro comes charging around the corner Naked with flip flops! " YOU COME BACK HERE WITH MY PAMPER LITTLE MAN!" Mr Singh exhausted from trying to open all the room doors looks over at his impending doom, kneels on the floor with the pamper in his right hand and says " ALLAAAAH please preserve ME!" Zingaro leaps passed Wes and I, jumps on top of Mr Singh and pummels him into submission. He calmly takes his pamper and walks away placing mounds of shit into his mouth.

Wes looks over at me and says " Dem ah go lock yuh up inna dis place"

Slish University

2007-05-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

Which one of you ladies think you know your man/husband and I mean really know him. Now I'm not talking about what he likes to see you in which is probably nothing. I'm talking about do you know the ins and outs of your Man/Husband. Do you know what makes him tick, Do you know what shade of brown or gray he likes, Do you know that he secretly likes romance movies. Maybe deep down he doesn't like when you surprise him maybe he'd rather know whats coming so he can avoid telling a lie to spare your feelings.

I've dated a lot of women and loved even less. None of them ever really knew me. I've spent years hiding behind smiles and stomach pain due to food being fed to me that my body rejected. When I tell them I don't like something their response " How would you know! You've never even tried it" Listen here Woman! I'm grown! I don't have to try SHIT if I don't want to!

Fellas if you're reading. You ever try and get a woman to do something they're just not into. Shiiiit!! You'll be CHEEKLESS for weeks. Why ! Cause you were an inconsiderate bully. I swear women get away with waaay too much. Every committed guy I know has changed who he was for love. His lady's interest become his interest, Her friends his NEW FRIENDS, All his boys have to be screened before he gets a permission slip to hang out.

I'm here to tell ya. Slish ain't that dude. I've had ENOUGH! I have reached my threshold of Compromise. If a woman does not take the time to Study me! She will fail every course needed to graduate from Slish University! The course of study is not rigorous and they're FREE of charge. So why do these broads keep failing! I grade on a sliding scale!

Last night Shawnla realized she was failing a particular course and decided to CHEAT! How she managed that! I'll tell ya! PUSSSSSSSSSSY! She put it on me so bad I passed her for the entire semester and gave her extra credit for the next semester!

Relationships are hard people. I sometimes think I'm not cut out for them, but then I meet someone who makes me want to enroll them into Slish University. Shawnla enrolled with text books in hand. Although she struggles with some of the course work. She has never dropped a class. Hmmm I think she might graduate on time after all.

Pay attention to your man ladies don't take their love for granted.

The Slasher has Risen

2007-05-21T00:21:00.000-04:00

I walk into the kitchen and notice the phone was off the hook and placed on the kitchen counter top. I pick it up " Hello" The voice on the other end responds in a soft whisper " Hey " My heart starts to RACE! " T bone where you been? I've been all over the Bronx and Mt Vernon looking for you. I called Jam Jam you not there, called your job about 20 times, even sat in front of your building most of the afternoon. When you didn't show up for work I got really worried. Thought you were hurt sitting in a ditch somewhere" T Bone " Baby i'm okay " I sigh in relief " Where are you now?" T Bone responds " Work" I start scratching my head cause now i'm confused "Work? You must have just gotten there. Where you been all weekend. Don't say Jam Jam. I know for sure you were not there!"

I hear silence on the other end of the phone " T Bone where have you been" She responds " With a friend" Back then I was too naive to even know what that meant. Chick say that shit to me today! Might get a five finger necklace. I say " Friend ? Why didn't you just call and tell me that. Which friend? T bone hesitates for a moment and responds " Ian" I start scrolling through my mental rolodex trying to figure out if she had ever told me about a girlfriend named Ian. " IAN!!! I hope thats a girls name! " T Bone's voice starts to tremble " Sl Sli Sliiiish. W we ne need to talk." Right then I realized what was happening. T Bone had reached into my ass and ripped my heart out with that last statement.

I BLACK OUT!!! Then I hear the voice. Ya know. The one I've been trying to ignore, but this time its not in my head " Fuck you! I don't need to hear SHIT! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! If you leave. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! " I hang up the phone. T Bone's mother tries to grab my shoulder " Slish! Don't you go and do something stupid! " I pull away " GET OFF ME!" I run upstairs into T Bones room looking for anything I ever bought her. I immediately see a 11x17 picture of us. As I picked it up I slowly felt the tears coming. The Voice says " DON'T YOU CRY OVER THAT BITCH! " I ripped that picture in half and placed it on T Bone's bed for her to see. I start looking around some more. I see the phone I had bought for her. I pick it up, run back down the stairs, and out the door " SLAM!"

20 minutes later i'm at T Bone's job. I push open the door and see T Bone calmly sitting at her desk. She doesn't notice me at first. The voice " Ooooooooh Slish she doesn't even see you. Just walk up and SLAP THAT BITCH! As i'm walking towards her I look to my left then to my right I respond "Can't do that too many people watching " The Voice responds " YOU'RE SUCH A PUSSY! STEP ASIDE! I'M IN THE DRIVERS SEAT NOW!

T Bone looks up and Jumps! She hadn't realized I had been standing there staring at her for the last 5 minutes. The Voice calmly says to T Bone " Come Here" T bone doesn't move. The Voice " Don't make me come behind that desk. COME OVER HERE!" She gets up and walks over to me real slow. " The Voice says to her " Did you fuck him" T Bone responds" Ye Yes " The Voice" How many times" T Bone doesn't respond " HOW MANY!!!" The tears start to flow down her beautiful face " Wh why do you want to know that? " The Voice grits his teeth" I swear if you don't tell me!" T Bone starts crying " Four.FOUR TIMES!" My legs buckle, then the dizziness. I look up at T Bone and hear The Voice " YOU LET THAT NIGGA STICK HIS DICK IN YOU 4 TIMES. WHERE IS HE! HE WORK HERE! T Bone yells " Slish STOP! I met him here but he doesn't work here. "

The voice wanted to slap T Bone so bad his toes started to itch, but my Daddy's genes kicked in and wouldn't allow him to do it. Instead he grabs T Bone's hand, starts caressing it and says calmly. " You ain't shit. The guy you fucked ain't shit. He knew you had a man and still fucked you. Which means he will never respect or trust you. The Voice squeezes T bones hand really tight. " You better go be with him cause your dead to me. I don't want you EVER. The Voice looks over and sees the coat I bought T Bone hanging from her chair. " See that coat. I bought it. I want it NOW. The credit cards you have in my name hand them over. You're leaving this building broke and cold! "

T Bone hands over the items requested. I take them and leave. As i'm walking out the door I hear The Voice " If you don't ever want this to happen again. I suggest you call on me from time to time. I say " Oh really! So you can get me locked up" The Voice responds " Never that Slish. I only want justice" Hmph! " So what should I call you" The Voice laughs and says " Call me The Slasher. From now on your life will never be the same. "

1 month later. Ian caught T Bone with the next dude. He beat her ass and stuck her in his closet for 24 hours!

How do I know? She told the Slasher right before he stuck his dick in her mouth !

Missing! Rise of The Slasher Part 5

2007-05-17T00:16:00.000-04:00

I was up all night waiting to hear from T bone. When that phone call didn't come I called Jam Jam one more time " Is she there? " Jam Jam responds " She called and said she was on her way but that was more than 3 hours ago" I place my hand over my forehead, rub it slowly, and sigh " Tell her to call me as soon as she gets there" I hang up and call T Bone's house again. Her mom picks up " Hi Ms T. Bone is " she cuts me off " She's not here! Buuuuurp " CLICK! Drunk beeeaaatch! I hear The gate keeper of HELL position just opened up!

Sunday morning I watched the sun come up and go down. T Bone never called. My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to burst right out my chest. I was waaaaay past jealous or angry. I was scared! I thought T Bones demon family had finally gotten to her. Then I hear THE VOICE " Why you feeling sorry for that CHICK! You worried about where she is and its obvious she's not worrying about you! Fuck that shit go find yourself some pussy! How you gonna get caught. She ain't no where to be found. " I respond " ENOUGH! I listened to yo ass once before and almost lost her. NEVER AGAIN! T bone will show up. Everything is going to be okay"

Monday morning. I called my job and told them the KID wasn't coming in. Got dressed and drove to T Bones Job. I walked into that building like a heroin addict looking for somebody to rob. T Bone was no where to be found. She hadn't even called in sick! T Bone was offcially MISSING !

I sat in my car waiting in front of her office building for hours. Everytime I saw a chick that looked like her my heart would race! The voice says " She won't show up here Slish. Its 4 pm T Bone starts working at 9 am. Go to her house! I turn my car on, shift into first gear, and pull of.

20 minutes later I'm at T Bones door. I ring the bell. Her mother answers it and says in her Weezy Jefferson voice " T Bone's not here" Blowing cigarrette smoke in my direction. I wave the smoke away from my nostrils and say " I haven't heard or seen your daughter all weekend. I'm coming in to wait until she gets home" T Bones Mom sees that determined look in my eye, moves out of my way, and says " Suit yourself."

I'm in the living room flipping through channels. I hear the phone ring. Thats when all the whispering started. T Bone 's mom walks into the Living room and points her head in the direction of the kitchen where the phone is located. I get up from the couch and walk towards the kitchen to face my destiny...............

Love Don't Love Nobody/ Rise of The Slasher part 4

2007-05-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

1990 Two years had gone by since T bone and I had been together. I was completely in love with her and she with me. We fought The Cheat demon, The Trust demon and The Pregnancy demon. That last demon we fought twice. We argued hard and made up even harder. I had never felt like this. I was ready to settle down. I got a second job to prepare myself for the inevitable.

It was the weekend of my 21st birthday. T bone took me to dinner. A Fancy chinese restaurant in the Bronx. Food was fantastic. She looked so beautiful under the dim lighting. Her hair neatly permed with a slight bang that brushed across her right eyebrow. I was sitting there thinking to myself " Slish you are one lucky Monkey." Then I hear the other voice " Yeah she is fine.What the HELL is she doing with you." T bone breaks me out of my trance by grabbing my hand " Boo are you having a good time" I respond " Yeah why " T bone gives me the strangest look. It was like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't. " Whats wrong baby" T bone continues rubbing my hand and responds " Sometimes I wish I had a different life" I was confused for a second " A life without me ?" T bone gives me a warm smile and responds " Slish you know I love you" She breaks eye contact " But sometimes people change and want different things for themselves" I place my hand over hers and say " I made a promise to you. I'm going to get us a place. You won't have to deal with all that craziness going on in your house." T bone doesn't respond she just looks at me with tears in her eyes. I say " We'll be okay"

On the drive home T Bone says " Boo I'm going to spend the weekend with my girlfriend Jam Jam" I respond " You guys talking again. I thought she stopped speaking to you" T bone " We really missed one another. So we put our differences aside and mended our friendship" I laugh and say " So she forgave you for setting her up with a guy you had already slept with." T Bone gives me a screwface look and says " Yeah " I continue " She also forgive you for not telling her until after she had already fallen in love with dude?" T bone " SLISH! Thats not fair! I didn't tell you that story so you could throw it my face! I laugh a little harder and say " You know what. I think we better stop by yo crib and ask your crazy ass brother for his hunting knife CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT" We pull up in front of T Bone's house she leans over, gives me a deep kiss, and says " You're such a wise ass, but I love you. I'll call you from Jam Jam's house tomorrow" She shuts my car door and walks into hell.

Saturday afternoon T Bone hasn't called me all day. That wasn't like her she usually called at least 3 times daily telling me she missed Danger tickling her sugar walls. I get out of bed and start rummaging through my dresser drawer HAH!! I found it! Jam's Jam's phone number T Bone had given it to me a while back. She stayed over there a lot when her family situation overwhelmed her. I start pushing digits " Hello " I respond " Whats up Jam Jam" Jam Jam" Heeeey Slish whats happening. Long time no hear. " I say " Yeah yeah. You two try to kill each other yet" Jam Jam responds " What are you talking about? " I laugh a little and respond " Oh you got Jokes. Can I speak to my girl " Jam Jam is silent for a second " Uuuuum Slish she isn't here. " My Slish sense starts tingling " She hasn't been there all night has she." Jam Jam " No, but if and when she gets here I will tell her to call you" I hang up and call T bones house. The phone just kept ringing.

I feel a knot in my throat and that voice. THAT FUCKING VOICE in my head! " She's not in trouble Slish.You know what this is" I respond " No not her. She would never do that to me. She loves me" Then the voice gets old school on me " Slish it takes a fool to learn that Love don't Love nobody."

A lesson I would soon learn to live by.

The Anointed

2007-05-07T20:46:00.000-04:00

For as long as I can remember I've always been the go to person in my peer group. If your lonely and want to meet someone new GO TO SLISH! You need a ride to the airport and can't afford a taxi GO TO SLISH! Want to hang out at the hottest spots in NYC GO TO SLISH!

Now I didn't anoint myself into this position. I just got tired of waiting on other people to get shit poppin. So back in the day when my boys started to complain about not having enough access to Grade A Chocha. I figured out a way to make that happen. I Threw a BBQ. Before I knew it The BBQ's turned into renting a 2500 square foot hall with carpet on the floor and putting my boy SUNMAN at the door for security. Money was made, my boys got all the ass cheeks they could handle and I steadily became an Urban Legend.

That title quickly became a problem. Although I made everything look easy that shit took WORK. Just because my peer group reaped the benefits didn't mean they provided fuel to keep the machine going. I lost a great deal of money and quality time with loved ones trying to make my SO-CALLED Fan base happy.

Do you know till this day NONE OF MY FRIENDS have ever planned a surprise ANYTHING for my ASS!!! NOT ONCE IN THE TWENTY YEARS i've been organizing events! NOT ONCE! Ofcourse I don't complain. I just keep on helping those in need of excitement and pleasure. Expecting nothing in return.

Well I'm announcing today I'M DONE! You want to organize a Party, BBQ or Social Gathering do it your DAMN SELF! I am tired of hearing " The why can't you' s" " The you said you would' s OH! OH! Heres my favorite ! " Slish you're acting like a BITCH! "

Is it wrong for me to want to spend time with my lady and her son instead of organizing events for people who don't even know when MY B-DAY IS!!!!! in my lousy english accent " I think not"

So there you have it. Slish is officially out of the event organizing game. I will attend any and every event organized by someone ELSE. Oh wait! On second thought No I won't. Cause Ya Selfish , self absorbed WENCHES probably won't invite me.

Tippin Out

2007-05-02T22:00:00.000-04:00

Cheating is the one thing everyone fears while being in a relationship. Just the mere thought of your significant other tippin will cause you to call their cell phone company and have all their calls forwarded to your hotline. Dudes start smelling their wives/girlfriends Little Vickies after they come in from a night out on the town. Women start telling their girlfriends to make a pass at their man just to make sure he's a stand up dude. Its crazy what folks will do to get an answer to a question they really don't want. To tell the truth. I'd rather not know.

I remember back in the day I was dating this beautiful sista . One evening I dropped her off at her place after a night out. I noticed while driving away that she left her purse in my car. I calmly placed it in my glove compartment. It didn't even occur to me to look through her purse. I mean I could have but I was afraid of what I might find.

The next day she calls me. " Slish did you find my purse in your car?" I respond " Yes I did. I was going to bring it to you tonight" She snickers a little and responds " Did you read my note?" I say " What note? " She sounded a little dissapointed " The note I left for you in my purse! " I laugh a little " What made you think I would look into your purse " She says " Yeah right Nucca you looked " I say " You got the wrong dude. I don't do shit like that " Her voice gets a little high pitched " You don't! " I respond " Nope. Ignorance is bliss. "

You see I don't like looking for trouble especially in relationships. I'm not going through cell phones looking for dudes numbers to call and say "STAY AWAY FROM MY LOVE SLAVE!". Not going to use a different car to follow my lady around town. Not going to eyeball every cat my lady comes into contact with. Now in the past this kind of attitude has caused the women in my life to feel a little neglected and unloved. Sick Beatch's ALL OF EM! Why DA HELL you want a jealous lunatic for a boyfriend! Thats not love its a form of PSYCHOSIS.

So ladys if your man is blowing up the cellie while you're out with friends and you've already told him where you were going to be. Don't think that shit is cute. He probably got a straight jacket hidden in his closet! Fellas if your lady gives your female cousin the EVIL EYE. She's not expressing her love. She probably plotting to tie you up in her basement!

Jealousy is a wasted emotion people. If your significant other cheats on you. They were probably that way before you got with them. Don't go looking for ways to catch there booties up in the air.

Love is a risk we all have to take sooner or later.

The Gift Is In The Giving

2007-05-01T15:10:00.000-04:00

I recently turned 38 and started to wonder where the time went. I mean I still remember squeezing girls asses in elementary school and running away before they slapped me, " scratching my head" or was that Yesterday? Anyway I hate my B-day, I hate getting older, I hate having to act like i'm getting better when I know my body is trying to find ways to kill me daily. So What do I do ? Get depressed? Start a low carb diet so I can have the body of a twenty year old? Flirt with women 15 years younger than me to boost the ego? No. Instead I reflected, Took a look around and realized I am blessed to have had so many things. Now I figure its my turn to give back some of the love and commitment I have recieved throughout the years.

Yesterday after returning from Martha's Vineyard Shawnla's surprise B-day gift to MOI! We drive to the babysitter and pick up her son Little D. We get there and he gets in the car with this sullen look on his face. Now Little D is the quiet type but he's never that quiet so Shawnla turns around, smiles at him and says " Whats wrong baby" Little D looks up , eyes widen and he gives his usual grin and responds " Nothing mommy" Shawnla " Did you have a good weekend?" Little D " Yes Mommy" Shawnla turns back around, looks at me, shakes her from side to side, because her intuition is telling her something is wrong.

We're in the Apt now. Little D is still too quiet for Shawnla's taste so she sits him down on the couch and interrogates him some more, but Little D is sticking to the same story that nothing is wrong and all is good in his world. I ask Shawnla " What were you and the baby sitter talking about earlier " Shawnla responds " This and that. You know she always trying to gossip about somebody" she turns to Little D " I heard Mikey(babysitters son) got a new bike" Little D doesn't turn to look at his mom and nods his head in response. I realized then why he was being so quiet.

I get up from the chair I was sitting in and calmly say to Little D " Lets go" He looks up at me and responds " Where ? I say " To a place where bikes are in abundance" Little D looks at me puzzled " Abundance? " I laugh. Little D looks over at Shawnla for answers and she responds" Remember that suprise I told you about." Little D smiles " Yeah " Shawnla is grinning ear to ear now " SURPRIIIIISE! "

We both leave. Little D is still a bit confused about whats going on " Mr Slish are you taking me to get a bike ? I respond " Yup " Little D walks over to the drivers side of The Batmobile before he opens the door he asks "How can you afford to buy me a bike? What about your bills? I smile at him and respond " Little D when you get older you'll realize that if you work really hard you can pay your bills and buy nice things for the people that you care about. " He opens the car door and gets in I continue " Little D i'm not getting you this bike because your friend got one. Your good grades in school and the fact that you showed great character by not whining to your mother about not having one is the reason why. You're a great kid Little D and I'm a firm believer that Great kids should be rewarded." Little D smiles, fastens the seat belt around him, and we pull off.

10 minutes later Little D and I are in the store. He's trying to get the most inexpensive bike. I think to myself " This boy just like his mama" I guide him over to a Red and Chrome 21 speed Mongoose dirt bike. It glowed as it sat there all by itself. I look down at Little D " THIS is the bike! " Little D looks up at me then at the bike. His eyes widen " Yeeeeeah! " I call the attendant over " We'll take this one! " Attendant takes the bike off of the rack. Little D hops on it and rides it all the way to the cash register.

As we're walking out of the store . The security guard says to Little D " Yo little man! Thats a HOT bike ! Little D smiles at the security guard and nods in Agreement. Then he stops, walks over to me , places both his arms around my waste and says " Thank you Mr Slish "

That right there was the best birthday gift anyone could have given me.

Rise of The Slasher Part 3

2007-04-22T14:38:00.000-04:00

One month later on a Saturday afternoon. The sunlight is shining through my bay window. I refuse to let it wake me from my slumber so I turn over and put the pillow over my head. "Riiiiing" huuge sigh. I lift the pillow up and look at the phone. It rings two more times before I decide to answer it " Hello " A female voice answers " Can I speak with Slish" I respond " This is Slish " Female voice giggles and seductively says " Hiiiiigh" Her voice was not familiar to me, but I wasn't going to assume and spit names unless a few questions were asked " Who dis?" Female voice " Guess " Ooohh noooo! I say the wrong name and thats my ass! I respond " Give me a hint" Female voice responds " Lets just say you're my hero" That tingly feeling comes over me. The voice in my head says " Its her Slish. I told you this wasn't over" I respond to the voice " Can't be her. I never gave her my number!" Voice " Didn't I tell you if you grabbed the girl she would cum"

Female voice on the phone " Slish Sliiiiiiish you still there?" I realize who it is and deepen my voice " Heeey how you been T Bone" T Bone starts laughing" You didn't realize it was me did you" I laugh a little " Nah Nah I recognized your voice " T Bone " No you didn't " I laugh a little harder " Aiight Aiight you got me. I didn't know it was you. Ummmm Howdidyougetmynumber" T Bone responds " Gorilla G " I think to myself " guess she wasn't a HATER after all and respond " Really? So whats up. " T Bone giggles " Weeeeell I've been meaning to call you for a while, but you know with school and all it was kind of hard. Then I started to think about you and I dancing together and how sexy you were." WHOA !!! Shejustcallmesexy! I'm only nineteen and chicks is already calling me SEXY! Think i'm in love. I respond " I had a good dance partner" T Bone says with a hint of shyness" Slish can we see each other again " I'm on cloud nine now. I wasn't used to a girl telling me the things T Bone was. Before that moment I was always the hunter. I calmly respond " When and where?" T Bone responds " Tonight. Pick me up at my house"

HELL YESSSS!!!! I took my hands off my nutsac, jumped out of my bed with the Quickness, ran to my boy Clippersman's house and begged him for a haircut. By 9 pm I was in front of T Bone's house.

I get out of my car, walk to her door and ring the bell. It was a month since I had seen T Bone I wasn't quite sure what she looked like so when this fatter shorter version answered the door, looked me up and down , turned around and yelled " T Bone He's HEEEEEERE! " I sighed in relief.

T Bone comes out shortly after. Wearing a black top with tightly fitted white Slacks. Her hair was neatly pressed. She was prettier than I remembered. So pretty that I started thinking to myself" She is way too pretty for me. Something got to be wrong with her!" She gives me a hug, grabs my hand and says " Lets go " I say " Where? " T bone sighs " Anywhere but here" I give her the puzzled look and point to my car " Okay lets go"

An hour later T Bone has me driving all over Mt.Vernon looking for a dark place for us to talk. I find one and allow her to tell me her story. She told me some horrible things about her home life. Things most guys my age wouldn't have been able to listen to without judging. I decided then that T Bone was an Angel that was accidentally stuck in hell and I was going to fight every demon trying to get her out.

Rise of The Slasher

2007-04-18T00:03:00.000-04:00

We're knee deep in the party. White Chocolate and I have two rumpshakers in front of us. Dj was KILLIN IT!! First he drops " You've been playing saying you want more. The sound is Hype and we're sure " Then " It takes two to make a thing go riiiiiight " That song was our cue. White Chocolate and I break into our two man routine and STOP traffic! Since the crowd couldn't beat us they joined in. It was CRAZY!

All of a sudden I hear that infamous Go-Go drum beat, the horns , then that southern drawl " Eeee yeeeheyeeeh Oooooow Eeee yeeeeheyeeeeheyeeeeh" Shawties asses dropped to the floor! White Chocolate and I positioned ourselves accordingly. I wipe the sweat from my right eyebrow and look across the dancefloor for some booty to wrangle. A few feet away from me is T bone. She putting in WORK on some cat. He becomes overwhelmed by her onslaught and calls in back up. Which still wasn't enough cause T bone could hold her own. Instead of quitting while they were behind knuckleheads decided to call in more back up. Before T Bone knew it she was surrounded by four dudes. Then I hear this whisper " Go get her " WTF! Then I hear it again " Go get her" I respond to the voice " Theres to many and my boy White Chocolate is not gifted with his hands" Voice " Trust me Slish. Grab the girl and she will Cum"

I start walking towards the crowd of guys surrounding T Bone. I push my way through, look directly into T bones eyes, grab her hand and pull her closer to me. She gives me the warmest smile then whispers in my ear "Thank You". We immediately started to move as one on the dance floor totally oblivious to our surroundings. Then I feel this presence behind me. I turn around to look AWWWW HEELLLL Gorilla G shaking her ass all in my comfort zone! She notices that i'm frozen in disgust so she retaliates by grabbing T Bone away from me. Pulling her all the way to the other side of the dance floor.

2 am Lights are on and the Party is over. White Chocolate in the corner politrickin. I'm looking around for T Bone. She was no where to be found. White Chocolate walks over to me " Man was this a good night! I got like 4 numbers. How many did you get?" I respond by giving him the HATER look . White Chocolate says " None huh" I laugh and say " Cmon "

We're at my car. Before I get in I do a visual sweep of the parking lot looking for my prize. YES! There she is! I say " White Chocolate stay here and DON'T mess with my radio! " I start walking in T Bones direction. POW POW!!! I know that sound! I duck down immediately! Screams and Chaos are everywhere. I get up after hearing the last gunshot and run back to my car. I get in. My system is blasting and White Chocolate is totally unaware of whats going on . I say " Didn't I tell you not to touch my RADIO!" I turn my car on, shift into reverse and get the hell out of Dodge.

As I'm driving away I hear that voice " Trust me Slish. This is not over . "

Slasher-The Origin Part 1

2007-04-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

The Slasher persona was a dormant part of my personality for many years. I mean when I was a kid I would hear a voice telling me to slap the spit out of my sister everytime she said something slick. Every now and again when I drove my moms car I turned the radio volume up reeeeaal loud before I returned it, but I never thought it was him prompting me to do those terrible things. Then I started dating. OH how he tried to break free from me then!

1988 New Jack swing ! My boy White Chocolate and I used to crash The Friday night Doin The Butt parties hosted at Iona College. Spandex and BIKER shorts were the only costumes allowed. A dream come true for two horny undersexed teenagers. We looked forward to that event weekly. White Chocolate especially since he was still in High School at the time.

As were walking through the College I hear a females voice " Sliiiiiiish Sliiiiiiish" I turn, squint my eyes to look OH HELL NO!!!! I say to White Chocolate " Pick up the pace!" White Chocolate " Uh uh I'm enjoying the scenery waaay too much to do that" I say " CMON!!! She'll catch up to us! Move! You Al B Sure wannabee! " White Chocolate " Whatever dude" and continues to gawk at the spandex clad women walking by. I feel a tap on my right shoulder DAMN!!! I look up at White Chocolate and think to myself I am soooo bringing you home past your curfew.

I turn my frown into a smile and face the beast that beckoned me. " Hi Gorilla G " Gorilla G " Hey Slish! I haven't seen you since that fight you had with Fondu. Then 3 months a later I saw a moving van in front of your house" I respond " After I kicked Fondu's ass. My father was afraid of retaliation. So he moved our family to Westchester County before I got rubbed out." Gorilla G starts to look at me like I'm a ripe banana. Then I notice out of the corner of my eye a silhouette of beauty walking towards us " Gorilla G ! The music is bumpin! Lets hurry up and go inside!" She was wearing black spandex with a loosely fitting T shirt. Her Skin was a smooth caramel color. Her hair was in a pony tail and it shined liked onyx! We make eye contact ! Gorilla G " Slish let me introduce you to my girlfriend T Bone " Danger started to press against my Biker shorts . I calmly place my left hand over that area and shake T Bones hand with my right " Nice to meet you" Gorilla G noticed my infatuation and says " Cmon T Bone lets go inside and get our party on!" They leave and I watch them walk towards the music. Then T Bone looks back at me and smiles. White Chocolate says " I saw that! Whew! Its on like popcorn!"

Stay tuned for Slasher The Origin Part 2

Broken Wings

2007-04-13T00:09:00.000-04:00

Shawnla said to me once " Why do you feel the need to rescue me. I have been doing fine without you all these years. I didn't need you then and I don't need you now " That statement felt like a slap. It stung so much that I had to really put some deep thought into what she said. Why did I feel the need to rescue her? Then Slasher says to me " Why you acting so surprised. Its not the first time a woman has said that to you. Slish wake up! These women are not the problem its You!

Bloggers can I tell you a little secret. I'm attracted to women whose wings have been broken to the point where they can no longer fly without wincing in pain. I rememeber when I was in preschool there was this little girl who cried all the time. I was so drawn to her. I would sit down , pull her close to me and caress her cornrow braids until she stopped. In elementary most of the girls I liked came from broken homes or were adopted. When I hit my late teens the first woman I truly fell in love with had a father who was abusive to his family, a fulltime drug dealer, and was murdered by his best friend over money! She had issues till THIS DAY I shrug my shoulders at the thought, but I loved that girl would have married her if she hadn't cheated on me.

Now i'm thinking could this be a learned behavior? I mean where could I have possibly picked up this bad habit that has caused me to be single, childless, and a serial monogamist for most of my adult life. I mean my mom married the only man she has ever loved, most of my aunts and uncles are happily married to stable individuals with no emotional baggage. Then why am I so attracted to these broken women!

Yesterday I'm having a conversation with my coworker Bright Eyes. She's 23, a single mother with a four year old daughter. " Bright Eyes whats your degree in? " She responds with attitude " Why you asking" I respond " Its obvious I find you very intelligent and that intelligence had to come from somewhere" Bright eyes facial expression softens " Well Mr Slish I almost didn't go to college. My mother told me I wasn't going to be nothing but a single mother with no future. It made me so angry! I registered for college that DAY! I was 2 months pregnant at the time. First I got my associates then I went on to get my Bachelors in healthcare administration. " I smile because i'm starting to have an epiphany " How did you manage to graduate on time and still raise your baby without the support from your mother. " Bright Eyes takes a deep breath and sits down in the chair in front of me " It was hard. I went to school from 9am to 3pm came home spent time with my daughter from 3:30 to 5:30 then went to work at Pathmark from 6:30pm till 1:30 am. I did that for 4 consecutive years"

THEN IT HITS ME!!!! Women like Shawnla, Bright Eyes, even my ex Barneys all broken in someway, shape or form, but share 3 specific character traits. Strength, perserverance, and a FUCK YOU ATTITUDE !!! Those are the reasons for my fatal attraction. I'm not afraid of a strong woman as a matter of fact I crave it. Its just that I haven't figured out how to keep that last character trait from biting me in the ASS!!!!!

DNA

2007-04-09T00:06:00.000-04:00

My life Blows, and the relationship game Blows. There is no happy medium. I realized something a looooong time ago, but refused to let myself believe it. In order to be a happy in any relationship you have to lie. Lie about the kind of person you are, Lie about your true feelings and Lie so that the person you are involved with can trust you. Ain't that some shit! A person has to lie to be trusted! What part of the game is that! I'll tell you. Its the part where you hold back your true thoughts from the person you love to spare their feelings, but by doing that you make matters worse because the truth will come out eventually. Giving them pause and causing them to never trust you again. Well. Thats what always seems to happen to me.

Shawnla " Little D's father called me yesterday" I respond " Oh yeah what did he have to say "
Shawnla" I didn't say to much to him. I just gave Little D the phone" I ask " So the conversation between them went well?" Shawnla " Well, I asked Little D what they spoke about and he tells me his dad said he gave me some money recently and that if he needs anything he should just ask me" I say " Really? So he's acting like the money he paid to get his ass out of jail for not paying child support was money he actually put into an account to help out with Little D." I'm thinking to myself this man is a piece of work. Shawnla continues " So babe today he calls again telling Little D that he wants to see him this weekend. Little D explained to his dad that he has plans but he'll check with me. I get on the phone and tell him that Little D has plans. His father proceeds to tell me when he was in court the Judge told him he had to follow the visitation agreement that was set up previously and this weekend is part of that scheduled agreement." I think to myself again. Man got a point. Technically it is his time to visit with his son. Even though he's been a dead beat dad for most of Little D's life the law is the law. The circus can wait. Tell Shawnla to offer those tickets to his daddy and let him take Little D instead.

Then I hear the Slasher " Don't you go and do something stupid" Slish " What are you talking about its the right thing to do" Slasher " Not to Shawnla she has put up with too much from that Loser. Telling her that Little D should see his father is the wrooooong idea." Slish " But if I don't say anything now it will probably come out later. Then she'll say i'm keeping things from her" Slasher " Sliiiiiiiish "

Shawnla finishes her last sentence with " He can't just pop up and say he wants to see his son because he paid me some MONEY! I'm not going to let him come in and crush his spirit by not showing up! I say " Babe why do you do that" Shawnla " Do what ? " I respond " Make decisions for Little D. All I hear you talking about is what you want. Has anyone bothered to ask Little D what he wants" Shawnla's tone changes " Why are you attacking me! " I respond " I'm not attacking you but Little D is old enough do decide whether he wants to see his father or not. Don't make that decision for h CLICK!!!!!! Did she just hang up on ME!!!!

Slasher " I told you to keep your fucking mouth SHUT!!!

Underdog

2007-04-04T00:09:00.000-04:00

I think some part of my personality loves to create situations where individuals fail. It must have something to do with my underdog mentality. I am a firm believer that perserverance can conquer any obstacle, but sometimes I fail to realise the obstacle course may be a bit too difficult for the ill equipped. Nonetheless I will make a person believe they can fly.

Today I over hear the Temptress explaining to one of my staff members how she broke up with her boyfriend "He texting me talking bout he miss me and that he couldn't sleep last night! Guuurl lemme tell you I am too through with his non communicating ass. He always saying shit when its too late. Its okay though I'll be ALRIGHT! KNEW I shouldn't have wasted my time with no young nucca. "

With that bit of information I mosey on down the hall to find my homeboy Mr. Potential. He 's a young cat with a great future. I figure why shouldn't he get a shot at that ASS OF LIFE! I dip into my supervisors office located across the hall from where he was sitting. " Psst Potential Pssst " He looks up then looks over in my direction " What up Mr Slish" I put my finger over my mouth " Shhhh! Get yo ass over here" He gets up from his desk and walks over. I ask " When is your last day?" Potential responds " Next week. Why? I say " Boooooooooy do I have a going away present for YOU! " Potential starts laughing" Oh yeah " I smile and say " I just heard that Temptress broke up with her man." Mr Potential's eyes light up! " Say Wooooord" He quickly turns and starts heading for the door. I say" Wait youngblood! Not so fast! You need a plan." Mr Potential stops dead in his tracks, turns around and says " Plan??" I respond " The Temptress is a seasoned vet. You can't just spit any old game at her. Let a brotha help you with this " Mr Potential gives me a You about to get me in some shit look and responds " What you got in mind "

" First you're going to have to spend some money" Mr Potential rolls his eyes and starts walking out the door. I continue " Not much! Just enough to keep her interested. He stops, turns around and gives me his full attention again. "Do you want this chick for the long haul or short term pleasure." Mr Potential " Come on playa short term." I respond " Good answer cause a chick like Temptress will break you're 22 year old pockets into a million pieces" Mr Potential starts to get inpatient " C mon Mr Slish! Whats the plan! " I laugh and say " Patients Young Skywalker. Follow me" Potential and I calmy walk over to the Temptress office and stop at her doorway. " Hey girl. My man Potential here will no longer be working with us after next week. I think we should all get together and wish him farewell over some drinks" Temptress " You buyin" I respond " Ofcourse" Temptress smiles and responds " You just want to see me drunk " I smile and respond " Ofcourse " She looks over at her calender and marks the date down I say " I'll take that as a yes" Temptress smiles. Confirming my statement.

As we're walking down the Hallway Mr Potential looks over at me and says " How did you do that ? I respond " If I told you. You wouldn't need my help now would you"

Criss Crossed

2007-04-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

I'll trust anyone upon first meeting them. Why? Because I don't know them well enough not to. So I'll generally believe anything someone tells me as long as what they are saying is reasonable. Over the years this philosophy has worked. I've acquired some really good friends and business connections, but the inevitable always happens. One of those friends will eventually abuse that trust. Making a fool out of you and themselves.

The year 1997 when Hip Hop lost its way and D.iddy decided it was okay to say " Yeah YeahYeahYeahYeah" in every single record he produced. Doughboy calls me at home " What up Slish." I respond " What da deal Fatboy" Doughboy laughs " I'm not fat just big boned " I say " Big boned, fat, pleasantly plump you still need a bra." Doughboy responds " Ooookay You got jokes today. Anyway I'm calling you about business" I respond" Business! I have a job that pays me pennies and i'm living with my parents. YOU have no job. What kind of business could We possbily have. " Doughboy laughs and responds " It just so happens Slish I finally found a job. " I say " Oh reeeaaaallly. Where? " Doughboy " Bedford correctional facility for women" I start laughing real hard. Doughboy" Whats so funny " I'm out of breath now I respond " You gonna fuck around and end up married" Doughboy " Why you say that? I start laughing again " Cause you like you're women DESPERATE! " Doughboy " Thats not funny Slish. Why can't you be serious for ONE minute." I stop chuckling and respond " I can be serious" Doughboy " No you can't " Me " Yes I can " Doughboy " No you can't" Me " Yes I can" Doughboy " No you THERE YOU GO AGAIN ! "

" Okay dude I'll behave. You do know that Bedford is in the boonies. How are you going to get there? Doughboy " Well I figured I would take the train, but I used all my savings to pay Corporate's mother the rent I owed. " I respond " HOLD UP!!! Corporate let YOU rent from his mother! Doughboy yells " SLISH FOCUS! I say " Okay Okay. You want to hitch a ride with me in the morning since I work in the next town over" Doughboy " Asshole if you knew what I was going to ask why did you put me through all of that! I chuckle and respond " You make it sooooooo easy. "

So every morning for the next month I picked Doughboy up, drove to my job and gave him my car so he could get to work on time. It was kinda cool. I had some company in the morning, Doughboy was getting his mack on with the Chained Heat prison population and I had a full tank of gas weekly. Then one Thursday afternoon I leave the plantation at my usual time and walk over to the area where Doughboy is supposed to meet me with my car. I get there and NOOOOO Doughboy. I give him the benefit of doubt and wait an extra 30 minutes. 1 hour later NOOOOO Doughboy. I start getting worried thinking the worst has already happened. Doughboy has probably smacked my car up and is lying in some emergency room! So I hop on the train.

I get to the Whiteplains train station and called my pops. " Slishy what happened to your car? Why are you calling me from the train station" I say in a jamaican accent " Damn Bwoy tek weh mi car. " Pops responds" Who?" I respond" I've been letting Doughboy drive my car to work for the past month, but today he didn't pick me up" Pops " Slishy what I tell you about trusting people" I respond " YeahYeahYeah can you come and get me ? "

10 minutes later my pops drives up, I get in, he pulls off. " Dad do me a favor drive by Corporates mothers house. Pops asks " What for?" I respond" I just want to see something" My dad makes a quick turn onto Corporates mothers street. As we get closer to her house I see my car parked in front. I whisper to myself " Muthafucka" My dad looks over at me " Slishy isn't that your car." I respond " Yup" Pops" You want to stop and get it" I respond " Nope" My pops looks at me puzzled, but he keeps on driving.

Pops pulls up to our driveway. I hop out the van and quickly walk into the house. I pick up the phone in the kitchen and call Corporate at work " Yo. Was your mother home today?" Corporate responds " Nah. The only person home today was my sister." I say " Quick give me the number to your house." I hang up then pick up the phone and call. His sister picks up. " KK its me Slish how long has my car been parked in front of your house. " KK responds " You mean the light blue integra" I respond " Yeah " KK " All day. Why? " MUTHAFUCKA!!!!!!! I hang up the phone and call Corporate back " My man. I Think you should call the police and tell them to go to your moms to prevent an assault. " Corporate " What happened?" I respond " Your boy took my kindness for weakness. So now I'm going to kindly bust his weak ASS! " Corporate " Slish chill don't do anything stupid. Promise me you won't go over there! As a matter of fact wait until I get home. So we can find out what really happened" I rub my head, clench my teeth and bite the bottom of my lip " Aight "

1 hour later Corporate picks me up. On the drive to his house he attempts to lighten the mood " So Doughboy played you" I look at him and respond " You think this shit is funny! I bet if it was you! All of Doughboys shit would be laying on the side walk! Corporate " Why you so angry. Its not like he smacked your car up. " I respond " Corporate its the principal! I go out of my way to make sure another Brotha stays employed and he turns around and does exactly what these Saltines been doing to us for years" Corporates says " And whats that? " I yell " HE FUCKS ME OVER!!! This is the very reason why black folk can't get ahead. You lend us money we take forever to pay it back or not at all, You find us a job we show up everyday for the first pay period then decide we need a two week vacation. I lend Doughboy my car to get to work he decides its too much work to come and get me! When are WE going to start taking responsibility for our actions! Now Doughboy has lost another soldier in this struggle we call life! " Corporate asks " What The hell does that mean? " I respond It means I will NEVER EVER do any more favors for him as long there is breath in these lungs"

We pull up in Corporates driveway. Doughboy is outside waiting for me. I get out of the car he tosses me my car keys " Slish my grandmother wasn't feeling well so I left work and drove her to the Hospital. I've been in the Emergency room all day" Now he's adding insult to injury by lying! I calmly respond " Doughboy don't say anything else. " Doughboy to dense to pick up on my fuck you vibe says" So we cool. You'll be here to get me in the morning right? I respond " Yeeeeeah I'll be here briiiiight and early"

Lesson : Never burn a bridge you haven't crossed.

The Jungle

2007-03-29T18:41:00.000-04:00

As I'm walking through the corridor at work " Good Morning Mr. Slish," " Good Morning Mr. Slish", "Good Morning Mr Slish" "Heeeeeeey Slish." Lawd PLEASE PLEASE take this temptation away from me ! Today the Temptress is wearing tight gray capri slacks. Fish net stockings , with black YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET pumps. Temptress says " Once again you have stepped into my office without my breakfast " I look around to make sure i'm the one she's talking to and respond " You say that to say what" Temptress " Slish! You know what. Be like that. Its bad enough you ain't get me nothing for my birthday" I shake my head and start chuckling Temptress looks at me with those chestnut eyes and says " Whats so funny Slish. Why you laughin" I think to myself "If she could only use that Mega Booty for good." I sign my time sheet and walk away from temptation.

1/2 hour later The Temptress walks into my work area to get some coffee. She greets the rest of my staff and proceeds to the coffee maker. She pours herself a cup, looks in my direction, smiles, then walks away while stirring her spoon. She pauses, turns around, and says "Slish you like my stilettos." I look over my desk. FOR THE LOVE OF BRUCE ALMIGHTY PLEASE TAKE THIS TEMPTATION AWAY FROM ME! and respond " They aiight" Temptress gives me that YEAH RIGHT NUCCA look and struts her pear shaped ass right out the door. Slasher says " You are a DAMN fool! She been trying to get at you for weeks. Polite convo, always asking you questions. She wants us DAMMIT! Remind me. Why we aren't plotting to slap those ass cheeks together! I respond " Its like breaking a mirror. Any woman that fine has got to be BAD LUCK" Slasher responds " Truuuue Truuuue"

I press the speaker button on my phone and start dialing the phone number to the reason why The Temptress many attempts to get my attention go unnoticed. Shawnla picks up " Hey Baby " I say in a corny deep voice " Good morning my sexy chocolate swirl " Shawnla giggle's and responds " You are sooooo stupid" I respond " Its one of my most redeeming qualities. What are you doing? " Shawnla " Organizing my apt. " Before I respond I notice the green light on my cell phone flashing. I pick it up. Its a missed call from my cousin Bowie. If he's calling me this early something must be wrong. I say to Shawnla " Sounds boring. I was just checking on you. I'll call you back a little later" Shawnla laughs " Okay baby"

2 minutes later I call Bowie he picks up "Hello" I say " Whats the matter. Why you calling me so early in the morning. You get caught by the police for indecent exposure, Your wife find out your mistress is really a mister, or did she finally leave you for a midget that had a bigger dick ." Bowie starts laughing real hard and responds " How long you been holding on to that one" I chuckle and respond " Bout three weeks. So what can I do for you." Bowie " I needed you to do me a favor, but I can't seem to remember what that was. " I say " Listen! I am not covering for you anymore. If your wife calls and asks why her panties are stretched out with little green stains. I'll have to tell her the truth." Bowie starts laughing some more and says " That was a good one"

Bowie continues " Slish let me run something by you. The other night couple of the fellas and I went out. One of my boys met this Baaaaaad sista. " I respond " Yeah Yeah" Bowie " Anyway they hit it off and met up for lunch this week. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID!" I get all excited now and respond " WHAT? WHAT? Bowie " She brought her girlfriend with her and stuck my man with the bill" I sigh and say " So. Whats wrong with that." Bowie " WHAT! You don't see anything wrong with that! " I respond " No."

1. She met your boy in a club/lounge

2. She don't know if he cwazy and

3. Just in case he was cwazy she brought back up.

Ain't nothing wrong with that bruh. Ya see. You've been married for the past 13-14 years. The dating game has changed. Its a jungle out there and only the strong survive. Yo Boy should have Roared like the King Of The Jungle and politely paid that bill with no hesitation." Bowie " WHY!!! What for? I calmly respond " Bowie. Its called CLASS."

Something a woman never forgets.

Born Liar

2007-03-26T00:31:00.000-04:00

I remember when I begged my mom to take me out of private school. " Ma I don't want to go back to that school. They don't like black people" Mom responds" Slishy don't be ridiculous you're just afraid of a little hard work. I say " No mom for real thats why I have such a hard time with my school work. White boys in that school plot against the black students. I hate that school. Please take me out. " The whole time I stood there holding a letter the school sent home stating they would not be accepting me back the following year due to my lackluster academic performance. Mom responds" Okay Slishy I will talk this over with your father" I calmly walked out of her bedroom and into the bathroom. Promptly flushing that letter down the toilet. My parents were not going to find out I got kicked out of High School. This would be one of the many lies I've told during my lifetime.

Lying has always come naturally to me. When ever I get into some shit you can be damned sure I've already formulated some kind of believable story to get me out of it. I probably tell one lie a day to either keep the peace or avoid the inevitable. Either way I know this is wrong, but my own arrogance and insensitivity can't seem to stop my nose from growing.

Yesterday I accidentally broke my lady's shower head right out of the wall. I called her immediately " Baby I broke the shower head" Shawnla responds " How??" I say" I was trying to adjust it so that it could be positioned right above my head and WHAM it came right out of the wall water just splashing everywhere. " Shawnla " Okay don't worry i'll call my landlord he'll come down and fix it. I respond " kewl " Shawnla " Slish MAKE sure my bathroom is clean! Don't want my landlord to come down there and see my dirty draws or tampons in the trash." I push the trash behind the toilet, look around in the shower and think to my self What the hell is she talking about. The shower is clean, but once again I forget that my version of clean and Shawnla's version are two different things. Then she says " You know what Slish. Tell my son to do it he knows how I like it done, because I can see you're expression right through this phone!" DAMN THAT WOMAN!!! Ofcourse The Slasher knocks Slish out, decides Shawnla is not the boss of him , and never tells Little D to clean the bathroom.

Later that evening we get back to Shawnla's place. I do my usual. Turn on the television and plant myself on the couch. Shawnla goes into the bedroom with Little D so that he can try on all the new clothes she bought for him. Then I hear the inevitable. Shawnla says " Little D thank you for cleaning out the shower" Little D responds " You didn't tell me to do that Mommy" Damn Damn Damn! Slasher starts twitching in the couch while his brain starts to spin a tale of deception." Shawnla looks out of the bedroom door and asks " Babe did you tell Little D to clean the bathroom? " Slasher responds" No baby I decided to do it myself since he was still getting dressed." Shawnla smiles and says " Oh okay Sweetie thank you for doing it " Slasher smiles to himself, places his hands behind his head and responds " Noooooo problem anytime" See!! Ain't nothing wrong with a little white lie!

Shawnla leaves the bedroom and goes into the bathroom to do her nightly routine. I look in and notice her inspecting what I have supposedly done. This is where the inevitable happens again " Slish where did you put the bathroom cleanser" Slish says to Slasher "You are sooooo busted FESS UP!!!" Slasher "I have already anticipated that question" and calmly responds " I put it where you always keep it. " Slish says " Daaaaamn negro you are good " Shawnla looks back, gives me this devilish grin and asks " What did you use to wipe the shower" Slish says to Slasher " BUSTED YOU ARE SOOO BUSTED NOW!!!! Slasher didn't think that far ahead he responds " Ummmmm I used that white rock you keep on the shower floor " Shawnla shouts " YOU MEAN THE ROCK I USE TO SCRUB THE BOTTOM OF MY FEET !!! " Awww Hell!! I 'm caught. Slish takes the wheel and starts with the damage control " Baby you know that I know that you know " Shawnla cuts me off " Ooooh SHUT UP!!! LIAR!!! I asked you to do something so simple, but instead I get LIES. " I resort to the ridiculus and say " But sweetheart I was just playing" SLAM! Shawnla shuts the bathroom door on me.

Little D hears the commotion and comes out of the bedroom eyebrows raised " She's mad " I smile at him and say " What else is new"

Lesson Learned: Don't lie for dumb shit. Especially to a woman. Telling the truth might get you cussed out, but at least the trust factor remains intact.

Guess who's Back!!!

2007-03-22T19:59:00.000-04:00

I was telling my lady today " Babe you know why are started bloggin" she sighs and responds " No, but i'm sure you're going to tell me" I giggle and say" Keep that up and your coochie will become tighter than a virgin with nooo prospects. Anyway my lotus flower. I started blogging because I was frustrated with my life. I was single, sex deprived, and no way in HELL was I going to tell my boys my pussy supply had dried up. So I started writing shit down. "

"It was liberating! I had stories for days. What made it even better was that other people found my life interesting. I fed off the energy their comments gave me. I kinda miss it" My lady responds " So what ya gonna do about it Hammer!!! " I start rappin " DON'T CALL IT COME BACK! CAUSE I BEEN HERE FOR YEARS! She laughs and says " Baby I'm going to stop at the first Rite Aid I see and get you some medication for that " I respond " HATER!!! luv you! She responds " Luv you too. Call me later"

So lets get down to business people.

Through out the years I have taken on a few pupils and trained them in the art of R.I.T(Relationship Interaction Techniques) in other words how to get the chick and keep her. It mostly involved dating etiquette, 3 steps to great conversation and how to close the deal without using alcohol. Then one day I came across a young sista. Just out of college, eyes wiiiide open and ready for a good Brotha to come into her life and piece together her puzzle.

Well a few years went by. I noticed my nubian pup wasn't getting the respect she deserved. She was constantly asking me questions and wondering why I kept laughing at every story she told me " Pharmacist you didn't see that shit coming" Pharmacist responds" Naw I really thought he meant what he was saying. He sounded so sincere." I say " You are so green to the ways of The Jedi, but I sense The Force is strong in you. I will train you. Teach you how to counteract The Force, Ya know bend it to your will." Pharmacist eyes light up " Really Slish! You Would do that for me" I respond " Sure would. Balance is needed. Can't have you go into a game without acquiring certain skills. "

The Pharmacists training began. We started out slow. Her first lesson. How to read into what a brotha is saying without letting him know you're on to him.

1. "I'm dating" Really means " He's met someone he likes but he's not sure what his next move is going to be now that he's met someone he likes more.

2. "I'm seperated from my wife." Really means he still lives with her fulltime and has only been toying with the idea of leaving but too much of a coward to do the right thing.

3. "I don't believe in bank accts and credit cards. Real men carry cash" Really means he's broke, got bad credit, works off the books, and hasn't filed taxes in more than five years.

4. "I always keep it real" Really means he's too ignorant to research anything he may not understand. So when met with any obstacles he quickly gets defensive and indignant wanting to place blame instead of pointing the finger at his own ignorance. Hence the coin Phrase " I keep it real"

5. "I'm not really close to my mother" RUN RUN RUN....If a man doesn't respect his MOMMA means he probably won't respect you. I don't care I don't care !!! RUN I tell Ya!!!

I gave The Pharmacist those pearls of wisdom and off she went.

Present Day

The Pharmacist " Slish i've met someone" I respond" Bout damn time! Who, when and where" Pharmacist responds " Not ready to tell you just yet, Met him last June at a concert while hanging with some old fuddy duddy trying to impress me." I say " Hold on!!!! You been hiding this negro from me 1,2,3, 4, 8 MONTHS!!!!! Pharmacist " No Slish its not like that. I met him in June, gave him my business card, and he called me in January. I say " WHAT!!!! you met him June and he called you in January! What is he slow! He can't read? Took him 7 months to figure out you have a 914 area code. Thats a red flag Pharmacist ! If I meet a woman I'm feelin. I don't wait 7 months to call. I call her as soon she puts those numerical symbols in my cellie" Pharmacist laughs " Slish you're crazy" I respond " No I'm thorough" Pharmacist " Slish I want you to meet him" I respond " You gave him the draws already! " Pharmacist giggles again " Its been a while Slish ! " I say " Whatver he doesn't get a sit down until the 6 month mark. If he makes it that far i'll grant your request. "

A month later.....

Pharmacist's finds out her new booty ain't got no bank acct, no credit, and no future. To make matters worse he likes to dissapear. Whats a girl to do. Well I 'll tell ya. Call on the Jedi Training her big brotha Slish gave her and Fade Awaaaaaay. Which she promptly did.

Now whats the lesson here. ANYBODY!!! Okay I'll Tell Ya. The Pharmacist let the dark side of the force cloud her judgement. Ya know Lust, Loneliness and desperation. When those three components are in play. The other team is sure to score before you do.

DAMN I MISSED THIS SHIT!!!!!

The End

2007-01-01T12:06:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

2006 Was an eye opener for me. I discovered I had a voice. I discovered I was able to love unselfishly. I discovered that I am not the only person on this planet that thinks the relationship game needs a cheat handbook. But you know what. After all the ups and downs. I wouldn't change a thing. Right now. TODAY. I am a better man from the experiences i've had in 2006.

Bloggers promise me in 2007 that you all will try to live in love and not in fear. Cherish every moment you have with friends, lovers and family. Don't take anything for granted. Life is too short to enable bitter and hurt feelings to consume your days and nights.

Everyone will not share your opinions. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will not always share your passions or your dreams, but as long as they are passionate about you. The things you hold most dear to your heart will eventually attach themselves to theirs. So don't be so quick to toss someone away.

I must say i'm in a good place right now. My life has come together so quickly that my head is still spinning. This is the first time I have made a decision without analyzing or weighing the pros and the cons. I took a leap of faith and faith caught me. Shiiiiiit faith is cooking me breakfast right now...lol

After some discussion with The Slasher we both came to a decision and decided its time for me to stop Blogging. Its not that I don't have any more stories, or have nothing to talk about. We just feel my job here is done. Time for me to challenge my self in different ways. Stop procrastinating and write my story. Thats write Yalll!! Slish is finally going to write his book.

So in th immortal words of Russell Simmons " ThankYa'llforcomingoutGodblessandGoodnight"

Phantom Zone

2006-12-18T13:34:00.000-05:00

It was my senior year in high school. My guidance counselor told me I had to take some kind of science class in order to graduate. I had been trying to avoid that. Since the last science class I was in turned me into a cheating back stabbing nutcase. Cause when yo boy Slish got caught! Errrrrboooody was going down with him! Thats what happens when your parents force you to go to school with Paranoid white boys. We all know when white folks get caught doing something unmentionable(Enron) everybody involved goes down.

Anyway I digress. I picked pyschology. How hard could that class be. My boys thought I was already waay to cerebral. Seemed like a perfect fit. Then I got the text book that almost broke my desk in half. "READ! YOU WANT ME TO READ!!!! Awww hell!" Guidance counselor " Mr Slish you need this class. You've already failed Mythlogy " I respond " How could I fail a class that a teacher stopped teaching! She QUIT in the middle of the semester! " Guidance counselor " Correct but you were supposed to pick up another english class which you never bothered to do. So now you have to take Pyschology and Advanced English Literature" I respond "DA HELL!!!! Are you mad MAN! Advanced literature! Wh Why would you give me that class !" Guidance Counselor " It was the only english class available" I say " And I'm supposed to graduate WHEN ! 1990!!!! " Slamming his door on the way out.

I go to my pyschology class and drop that heavy ass book on the floor next to my desk mumbling to myself " I can't believe this shit. I ain't never gonna graduate" Then she walks in! Mocha complexion, Jet black hair curled upward. Tight jeans that stopped at her ankles. She was poetry in motion. When I noticed her coming my way I immediately sat up! My frown turned into the smile Eddie Murphy had in Coming to America.

She sits down next to me. I try not to stare, but I couldn't help it. She was so pretty and poised. You know. Hands on the desk, legs tightly tucked underneath. She catches me! She smiles! Then looks me up and down and says " You think you're fly huh " I respond " "Excuse me?" She says " Your sneakers. Noooobody has a pair of Eliesse's in this entire high school. You must not be from around here" She was right on both counts. My sneakers were rare and I wasn't from around there. I lived in a different county altogether. Not only was she beautiful but perceptive too" I respond " Ummm i'm from around here" She asks " Where? " I wave my finger in the air and respond while nodding my head " Around Here! " She laughs and responds " Yeah right. I know where you're from " I start to get nervous because if it ever got out that I was from the Bronx and attending school courtesy of The New Rochelle residents tax dollar. Slish would not be part of the graduateing class of 1987. She continues " Your secret is safe with me" I respond " How did you know? " She " My boyfriend told me " I respond " Who's your boyfriend " She says " Matador he's in your history class " DAMN!!! There goes my love connection. I sigh and say " You must be Nessa "

That whole semester Nessa and I grew closer becoming really good friends. I was crushing on her something terrible. I even started studying and taking detailed notes in class just in case Nessa was out sick and needed to catch up. Although I hated that Matador was her boyfriend and he didn't appreciate her the way I did . He was still a good friend to me so I never told her how I really felt. Decided I would just admire her from a far.

8 years later Nessa and I rekindled our friendship and started hanging out since we were both living in the same county. Immediately those feelings I had in High School came rushing back. Before I knew it! I was in love with a woman I had never kissed or fondled. I mean back then I wasn't a playa but I did crush a lot, therefore this was new territory for me. So I decided once again to keep my feelings to myself.

Eventually me not telling Nessa how I really felt started to take its toll on me. We would go out to clubs and if I saw her talking to some other dude. Oh! and let it be someone I knew! I would instantly turn into that beeeatch The Slasher and cause all kinds of problems. It got so bad my boy Grantlove had to call me on it "Nigga if you don't stop acting like some punk bitch and tell that chick how you really feel. Its going to eat you alive! The only thing she could could say is no and NO ain't never killed nobody" I say " No will definitely kill me. I cant take that kind of rejection" Grantlove " How do you know! You haven't even tried. You just gonna stand there and let some other dude snatch her away from you! I say " Shut up" Grantlove laughs " Time waits for no man bruh " and hangs up

I pick up the phone to call Nessa and there is a female voice on the other end " Slish?" I respond" Nessa ? " Whoa! This must be a sign. I play it cool and respond " Hey. Whats up " Nessa responds " Oh nothing just calling just to call " She's calling me to say hi! Nessa continues " Figured I would check on you since you've been acting kinda weird lately " WEIRD! Just because I want you to turn me into your love slave doesn't make me WEIRD! I respond " Have I ? Nessa " Yeah that mood swing you had at the club the other night. What was that? " That was me wanting to take you home and say MINE MINE MINE!!! I say " I have something i've been wanting to tell you for quite some time now. Its the reason why i've been acting so strange " Nessa " What is it? Are you okay ? I respond " I'm fine. Its just that, Damn this is so hard to say " Nessa " Just say it Slish " I say " I like you Nessa. I think i'm in love with you. " Nessa" Awwwww Slish I love you too" SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME " but as a friend." RECORD SCRATCHING " That is the only kind of love I could ever offer you" SEE! THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR LISTENING TO DR. GRANTLOVE !

2 years later Nessa and I are still good friends despite the fact she ripped out my heart and shoved it up my ass. We're on the phone one afternoon I say " How the fellas treating you. Seeing anybody ? Nessa " Yeeeah Kinda " I ask " Who? " Nessa " Hmmm Lets just say he's a professional ballplayer" I respond " Oh really Football, Baseball or Basketball" Nessa " Basketball, thats all i'm gonna tell you" I say " Hmph Well he must play for a NY team because you're not into long distance relationships " Nessa " Stop digging Sliiiiish. I'm not going to tell you. " I say " Thats cool. He' s probably a bench warmer ANYWAY! " Nessa blurts " Chris isn't a bench warmer! " I yell " I gotcha!!! Chris Childs. You're dating Chris Childs from the Knicks! Nessa " I hate you! Always figuring shit out. You better not tell anyone!" I laugh and think to myself You better not tell anyone cause that dude is married with three kids, but since Nessa didn't follow sports she wouldn't know that now would she. I say " Your secret is safe with me"

3 Months later Nessa's Romance comes tumbling down. I say " You found out he was married didn't you " Nessa " Yeeah how did WAIT A MINUTE you let me date this man knowing he was married ! I respond " Ummm yup" Nessa " How could you Slish" I respond " You sounded so happy at the time besides if I had told. Would you have believed me or classified me as a hater because of the feelings I once had for you" Nessa " You got a point it wasn't your place to tell me it was his. I feel like shit Slish " I respond " Its alright everybody makes mistakes. The next guy you meet will worship the ground you walk on." Nessa " Yeah right. The well is dry right now" I scratch my head Maaaaaaan I know I shouldn't do this but this woman needs a pick me up. I say " Nessa I have this friend. I think you might like him. He' s intelligent, well mannered, and is attending Wharton Business School. Nessa " Wharton ! " she must have smelled the dollar signs. Ness continues " Whats his name? " I respond " Corporate Corporate America "

2 weeks later Corporate calls me " EEhhh Booooy. Thanks for the connect with Nessa " I respond " What are you talking about" Corporate " She came down here to Philly and blazed me lovely " There goes that fucking record scratching noise again! I respond " You fucked her. ALREADY! " Corporate responds " Thats what I do" I was pissed! But I wasn't going to let Corporate know that I say " She must really like you" Corporate " Yeah well I hope she knows I don't have time for a relationship right now" I wanted to throw my phone through a fucking window! I put this woman on pedestal and this nigga just tosses her like a wet rag. I HATE MY LIFE!!!!

I realised something that day. The reason Nessa didn't want to get with me wasn't because I was unattractive or vertically challenged( Corporate and I are the same height) which is what I had originally thought.

1. I should have told her how I felt before she put me in the friend zone and we all know the friend zone is like the phantom zone.

2. I didn't look good enough on paper. I had no college degree and a blue collar job. I wasn't even in her league.

Yeah it sounds like I was feeling sorry for myself but it was the truth. Why be bitter because Nessa had worked hard to get her degree and post graduate degree, Why be bitter because she wanted financial security, Why be bitter at all. She was Just a project chick that done good.

Close The Fridge

2006-12-11T15:15:00.000-05:00

5 Days post my break up with Barneys. I should be lying in a corner somewhere hand outstretched begging for someone to make the pain go away, but your boy Slish has felt nothing. I started to feel guilty about it. Then I had a conversation with Slasher. " Slish you did the best you could. You made the appropriate changes by putting me in a closet and throwing away the key. Although I hated you for it. I understood and played my position, but then I noticed you doing things that made me want to throw up. All that compromising and shit. WHERE DID IT GET YOU!!! NOWHERE! So I picked the lock and let myself OUT."

" Slish I know you think my only purpose in life is to stick your dick in as many fat asses possible. But when you get right down to it. I love you man. I couldn't just standby and let you give up the best part of you. THAT! Will never happen again! I promise. We'll find a way to work together and find someone who will love, trust & respect the both of us. Feel me " I respond " I feel you" Slasher " Now get the fuck outta this bed! "

I get out of bed as instructed and head over to Corporates Plush pad. We both wanted to watch the Season finale of The Wire on demand. I swear that is the best show on television. I get there in about 10 minutes. Doorperson" "Ahhh you're here to see." I respond" Corporate . Corporate America" Doorperson " Wait a second I'll see if he's in" She dials his number but he doesn't pick up " Ummm he's not picking up. Is he expecting you? I pull my ear from my cell phone and respond " Yes " Doorperson" I can't let you up until he answers his phone" I respond " Okay I'll sit right here until you get through." Since my complexion is waaay to tan for a pass. I mean I did tell you the person I was looking for. Its not like I picked that name out of a hat! Fucking crackers!

5 minutes later Corporate comes out. Hand in hand with his lady Legal Eagle. " Hey Bruh " Corporate " How long you been down here? " I respond " About 10 minutes " Legal Eagle " Hey Slish " I give her a hug. She looks over at corporate and says " You kicking me out for Slish! " Corporates gives his lady a WTF are you taking about look. I say " Legal don't say that too loud. You know your boyfriend is Homophobic " We both start laughing . Legal Eagle " So Slish whats been going on?" Hmmm she knows something. Legal Eagle doesn't know me well enough to ask me that. Corporate see's the suprised look on my face and says " Oh yeah I told her about you and Barneys"

I quickly change the subject " Legal Eagle look at you! Looking all Hood Chic and shit. Got the matching boots to go along with that Parka coat. I must say Corporate is one lucky negro." Legal eagle smiles and responds " Sliiiish does that mean you're not going to tell me what happened? " I respond " Pretty much " She laughs and gets into her Benz. I start thinking to myself Why can't I bag a chick that drives a benz Shiiiit why can't I bag chick that drives period.

Corporate kissed his lady Goodbye. She honks the horn and pulls off. Corporate walks towards me tight lipped. I say" Whats the matter with you. Be happy. At least Legal Eagle is making the effort to come and visit you from Brooklyn and you know she hates doing that. Corporate " I know. Its just sometimes. " I cut him off " Legal Eagle is just spoiled. Thats the least of your worries. You just have to learn how to close the fridge after you open it. " Corporate looks at me puzzled I continue " Then she won't be so damn spoiled " He grins and nods his head in agreement.

Virus

2006-12-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

Through out the years i've tried to be as honest as I can possible be without alienating my girlfriends, boys and family. I've been told my kind of honesty can sometimes be brutal and unwarranted. My boys accept this personality trait, my family members just ignore me, and the women in my life can't take it at all.

There was a time I thought I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship because of it. So after my last failed attempt at obtaining the white picket fence I decided to go to a therapist. After a few sessions she pretty much told me " Slish there's really nothing wrong with you. You just need to listen before you make any assumptions about anyones situation." So I took that advice and started out on my new journey to find happiness.

1 yr 1/2 and two or three romantic mishaps later I meet Barneys. Great personality , extremely attentive, and beautiful. I say to myself " This is it Slish. Make this happen by becoming completely focused on the task at hand. So I dig deep and started to put the work in. It was hard at first. Barneys was and is very independant. My attempts to make her feel comfortable and safe went unnoticed, but I wouldn't give up. I pressed on and somehow broke through that impenetrable shield. Months later we're in romantic Bliss. I've fallen for her and she has finally fallen for me. I get comfortable and the honesty part of my personality decides to rear its ugly head. He comments on a few of Barneys personality traits and all of sudden her shield started to repair itself while at the same time pushing me out.

That didn't deter me from this new love I had. I would not let this obstacle keep me from having one house, two cars and one name. But the damage had already been done. Barneys shield had fully repaired itself and had made some modifications. I was only allowed in if I kept the Honesty virus out. So I went out and got me a vaccine for it. Only thing after taking it. I started to have side effects like irritability, hurtful thoughts, resentment and somtimes contempt .

I hid the side effects well. Barneys never picked up on it. So much that when I accidentally slipped it caught her totally by surprise. Adding tension to an already extremely tight rope.

Eventually we stopped communicating. Yeah. We said the occasional I love you and stuck to our usually routine, but after a year of being together I felt like I didn't know the person I was in love with and she didn't know the man that loved her so deeply. This kind of silence can be unbearable.What made matters worse. I became immune to The Honesty Vaccine. I eventually had a relapse and started to address the very things that threatened the existence of our relationship. Barneys broke down because of it. Crushing her spirit and changing both our lives forever.

I guess Love is unconditional, but relationships come with conditions.

Its Possible ?

2006-11-27T03:00:00.000-05:00

I wake up groggy. Drool dripping down the right side of my mouth. I get up from my couch and walk into the bathroom to take a piss. Whats that noise! Sounds like water hitting plastic. Oh Shit. I look. The toilet seat cover is down. Damn! Pissed all my over myself !

What the hell was I drinking? Why am I so out of it? Wait a minute! I didn't drink last night as a matter of fact I stopped hanging out in clubs/lounges all together. So why don't I remember how I got home? I scratch my head in confusion and turn to look in the bathroom mirror. What the hell is that on my right shoulder! I look closer using my left hand to inspect it . Hmmm looks like a scratch or a bite, but why does this scratch look like its almost completley healed.

Hmph thats weird. The last memory I have was from the night before. I was driving home from Westchester county after dropping something off at my parents. I took an alternate route since on the way up there I noticed the southbound side was backed up with holiday traffic. While driving my left front tire blew out! At first I didn't want to pull over. Why! That parkway was dark! Slishy doesn't like the dark. I watch movies. You know what happens to Africans when their tires blow out in the middle of some straaaaange dimly lit parkway.

Slasher yells at me " Stop being such a pussy and pull this car over before you damage your rim! You know your broke ass can't afford a new one with christmas right around the corner" He got a point so I pull the Batmobile over, pop the trunk and get out.

Shit !! Its dark out here. I look around first. Ya know to make sure no crazy hill billy serial killers hiding in the bushes. I look to my left and then to my right. So far so good. I walk to the back of the car, open the trunk and start pulling out the jack. "Grrrrrrrr." What-The- Fuck- was- that! I shake my head from side to side and whisper to myself " You buggin son! Deers make that noise too. "Grrrrrrrrrrr a whooooooooooo." HOOOOOLD UP! Thats sounds like one hungry deer! The bushes behind me start to move. Slasher " Ummmm Slish I think this is the part where you start RUNNING! "

I'm running towards the front of the batmobile! I hear four legs running behind me " a whooooooo" FUCK FUCK FUCK ! This cannot be happening to me! What part of the game is this! I yell " Somebody! Anybody! Help me Please!" I get to the drivers side of my car. I attempt to open the door. FUUUUCK!!!! ITS LOCKED! Where are my keys!! "Grrrrrr. GRrrr. Grrrr!" That sounded real close! Like right behind me close! I decide not to turn around. Whatever it is behind me can kiss my ENTIRE ass! This ain't the movies! I'm not gonna turn around and act all brave and shit! Yelling " C'MOOON C MOOON " Hm Hm not me! I tightened up my ass cheeks , braced myself for impact, and yelled out "MOMMY!!!" That was the last thing I remember.

Okay so that explains where I got the bite mark from. It doesn't explain how it healed so fast or how I got home. Guess I should be grateful. State Troopers could have found my body parts on the side of the parkway. Anyway I don't have time for all this speculation. I Hop in the shower, get dressed and head out the door. Barneys and I have some christmas shopping to do.

I'm on the highway headed towards Barneys house. Wait a minute! I brush my hands across my face. I don't have on my glasses! My vision is waaay to blurry for that! I should have wrapped the Batmobile around a tree by now! All of a sudden I can see clearly? Like 20/20 vision clear! How can that be? I've been wearing glasses since the 6th grade! Hmph lets see how clear my vision really is. I'm about 1 mile from the toll area. Without my glasses I shoudn't be able to see SHIT, but for some uncanny reason Not only can I see the toll booth clerk but right before he took money from that last car. The driver picked his nose and shook the clerks hand. Thats just nasty. Glad I have ez pass.

I get to Barneys apt. "Sniff Sniff Sniff" Hmmmm someone smells good. WTF! but i'm still in the car with the doors and windows shut! I get out and follow the scent to Barneys door. I ring the bell. 20 seconds later she opens her window. Thats the smell! Its Barneys! But how? I look up at her " Baby why are you looking at me like that. " I respond " N Nothing its just that everytime I see you its like the first time all over again" Barneys " Awww baby" She throws me the house keys.

As i'm walking up the stairs Barneys opens the door so that Poochie P can give me her usual meet and greet. She comes running out, sniffs then makes that noise dogs make when they're either scared or injured. I walk into the front door Poochie P is hiding under the couch and won't come out! I say" Sweetie your dog is bipolar.Why she hiding under the couch? Barneys comes out of her bedroom and says " Hmph Thats strange she's usually all over you as soon as you step into the apt. I say " Fine by me. Didn't want doggy drool all over me anyway. You ready? " Barneys " Si "

1 hr later we're still on Steinway Ave shopping for goodies. We're walking out of Dr Jays. Barneys has her wallet in her right hand and is trying to stuff 100 dollars into her purse. I say " I hate it when you do that." Barneys looks at me and responds " Hate what baby?" I respond " I hate that you wait until you are outside of a store before you decide to put money back into your bag. Thats dangerous. Its not like we're in a mall with security." Barneys " Whatever who's gonna take WHAM!!!! Barneys drops to the floor! Dude wearing a black scully has my baby's handbag in his hand and has taken off top speed down the sidewalk! I push some of the Bystanders out of the way " Baby you okay! " Barneys " SLISH he has my bag! My apt keys and Nys Id with my address! Its all in there! I look around for an officer! None around! Figures. They only show up when a crime isn't happening. Fuck it! I take off running after Black Scully !

Black Scully is Fast! This muthfucka should have been in the olympics. On a normal day I would have given up but this wasn't a normal day. I felt different. After chasing this dude for more than 3 blocks my ass wasn't tired. Shiiit if this was yesterday I would have been clutching my chest after running one block! I yell " Just give me back the bag! I won't press charges! " Black Scully doesn't respond instead he cuts in front of a parked commercial van and out of my sight.

Slasher starts talking to me " Slish you know good and well something very extraordinary is going on with you right now. I think you can cut that dude off!" I respond " How?" Slasher" Jump over the van!" I respond " Excuse me! You been watching too much television. I can't jump over no damn van! " Slasher " Trust me Slish you can and you will. NOW JUMP!" My legs tighten as i'm running and up in the air I go. Ohmyohmyohmy Whooooo Hooooooooo! I look down as I see the van underneath my feet. This is incredible! I must be 10 feet in the air! I see Black Scully and yell " Don't you ruuuuun from me! " Black Scully turns, looks up and stops dead in his tracks in Shock! I land on top of him knocking both of us to the ground grabbing Barneys handbag in the process. I get up and wipe my jeans off. Black Scully looks at me mouth wide open as if he wants to say something. Before he does I say " I won't tell if you don't " Black Scully just nods in agreement.

5 minutes Later I come running back to Barneys " Here's your bag sweetheart." Barneys gives me this amazed look and responds " How? " I say " You wouldn't believe me if I told you " Barneys " Try me" I say " Okay. Last night I was bitten by an animal possibly a coyote or wolf. Today I wake up with all these extraordinary abilities " Barneys smiles and says " Cops caught up to him before you did huh" I laugh, hug my future, and respond " Yup thats exactly what happened"

The Adventure Continues

Save the Cheerleader Save The World

The Other Woman

2006-11-20T03:01:00.000-05:00

What was that! Something wet just brushed across my lips. I keep my eyes closed because i'm afraid if I open them and don't see Barneys pretty brown eyes. The reality might cause me to have a nervous twitch for the rest of my life. There it goes again! This time that shit felt soooo goooood. Thats got to be my sweetie! OooooooWeeeee! I'm about to get breakfast Early! Let me open my eyes. Aaaaaaaw Heeeellllll No!!! Fucking Poochie P ! Damn Dog!

I wipe my face with the back of my hand, turn away from the pooch, and whisper in Barney's ear " Baby baby your dog is awake and she wants to go outside. " Barneys half sleep " huuuuuh, whaaaat, who's awake? " She turns away from me and goes back to sleep. I see where this is going. Barneys dog is very time conscious. She wants to go outside because she needs to make her daily deposit onto NYC's fucked up sidewalks. I try to ignore the inevitable by attempting to caress my sweeties forbidden zone. Barneys quickly slaps my hand " Baaaaby quit it i'm sleeping." Huuuge Sigh I turn around and Poochie P is perched up at the edge of the bed looking at me with her tongue out and tail wagging " Okay Princess daddy is going to walk you since your mommy being stingy with the booty"

I Take Poochie P for her walk. 3 Blocks and 2 stop lights later. Poochie P has not taken a shit. DAMN DOG!!! Got me out of my bed for NOTHING! So I decide to stop at the neighborhood Taliban grocery/deli and get breakfast for me and Barneys. " Let me get a Bacon egg & cheese scrambled well. " Taliban smiles and responds " What you say?" Why do these muthafuckas always act like they don't understand you! Bet if I said I was the health inspector gimme some free shit or i'm shutting you down they would understand that! I repeat " Bacon egg & CHEEEEEESE on a roll and make sure my EGGS are Scrambled WEEEEELLLLL! Taliban smiles " Okay. Anything else sir " I respond " Yeah I also want a bagel with butter and Bacon" Taliban responds " What you say ? I thought you say Bacon egg and Cheese ?" Huuuuge Sigh I shake my head and look down at Poochie P hoping that she will take a shit right in there in the grocery store.

10 minutes later Poochie P and I are back in the house. Barneys is still asleep. I turn on the computer so I can check the movie time schedule for Casino Royale. Poochie P starts sniffing around the area behind me. When she does that. It only means one thing. She's about to release last nights dinner on the carpet! Which she does with flair. I give her the BAD DOG LOOK! Poochie P gives me the NIGGA YOU BETTER PICK IT UP LOOK! DAMN DOG!!!

Barneys gets up shortly after. " Baaaaby why you let me sleep so late" I stop typing on the computer, look up at her and turn my head right back around and go back to typing. Barneys " " Did she pooh?" I respond " Yep " Barneys" Where ? " I respond " Right behind me " Barneys" Where is it? I shake my head while i'm still typing " She ate it " Barneys Gasps " No she didn't! I laugh and respond " Nah I ate it" Barneys sucks her teeth " So stupid " I say " Hey you wanna see Casino Royale later " Barneys quickly responds " Nope " Ya see Barneys won't see a movie just for entertainment purposes. It has to contain substance, global meaning or some sort of human sacrifice( not in the literal sense ex Babel, Catch a fire) Me! Hand to hand combat and gadgets IM IN THERE!!! I respond " Fine" but under my breath I mumble " I'll just go with the next chick" Barneys says " What you say baby " I respond " Oh nothing. I'll go while you're at work. Catch a matinee"

Barneys goes into the bedroom to get dressed for work. I look over to see if her door is open. Its closed. Good ! I pull my phone from out of my pocket and start pressing digits . Next Chick picks up " Heeeey Baaaaby " I say " Hey there sexy. What you doin." Next Chick " Oh nothing about to hop into the shower." I say " Where your man at? " Next chick sucks her teeth " He probably reading the newspaper somewhere? I respond " You and him have anything planned for later? Next Chick giggles and responds " No. What do you have in mind." I say " Lets go and see that new James Bond movie Casino Royale" Next Chick " Mmmm. I read the reviews that movie got 4 stars. " I say " Weeeelll." Next chick " Its a date" I respond " Okay I'll pick you up at 3:00pm" Next Chick " Okay, Btw Slishy do you want to speak to your father " I respond " Hmmm No. I'll talk to him when I get there"

I arrive at my parents house at 3:00 pm. My mom is dressed and ready to go" Slishy how long is the movie? " I respond " 2 hours and 24 minutes " Mom " You know what Slishy you better give me another 8 minutes " She closes her room door. I laugh and say to my dad " Thats your wife. Btw you wanna come? Slish Sr sucks his teeth and responds in his jamaican accent " Mi. Pleeeease. I don't support such Propaganda and filth. I roll my eyes and respond " Never mind. When mom and I get back. I'm taking the both of you to dinner. Make sure you're ready. Slish Sr " Bwoooy you must have hit the lotto. I'll be ready. " I start laughing " Why you acting like i'm taking you to some 5 star restuarant. We're going to Applebees! My dad laughs then my mom comes out of her room and we both leave.

My mom and I arrive at the Movie theatre. " Slishy. You know I haven't been to a movie since the mid eighties" I respond " Really! 20 years! " Mom " Yes. Your father won't take me" I say" How come you don't ask me or Stughetto to take you?" Mom shrugs her shoulders " You kids have your own lives. "Using my right arm I give my mom a hug and say " From now on if you want to go to the movies and I mean ANY MOVIE just ask. I'll take you" Mom looks over at the Spider Man 3 poster then looks up at me " Really Slishy ! " I hug her tighter and say " Yeah " My mom looks over at the concession stand " Can I have Popcorn too. " I say " Yeah " Mom " I don' t have to pay for it myself " I laugh and respond " Noooooo"

My mom gets her popcorn. I 'm still at the concession stand waiting for my goodies. As I'm waiting I watch my mother and she's walking around the movie theatre like she's visiting from another Planet. Eyes wiiide open. Probably looking around and making a mental note of what she can get the next time she comes.

We're inside watching the movie previews. My mom whispers to me " Slishy do the lights come back on when the movie is over? " I laugh and ask " Why you asking? " Mom " I don't want to fall down these steps. We both start laughing" Mom continues " I could just pinch myself. I can't believe i'm actually at the movies " Right then I thought to myself i've been taking my mother for granted. Am I that caught up in my own life. That I didn't realize something this simple could make my favorite girl so Happy. I felt bad and I mean really bad. I Look over at my mom and smile. She looks back at me, puts some more popcorn in her mouth and smiles back.

Priceless

Uncle Slishy

2006-11-13T03:07:00.000-05:00

We go through our lives hoping that we never have to experience the kind of pain that can change our entire outlook on life. You know. The kind of pain that can make you bitter. The kind of pain that will have you contemplating your own existence. The kind of pain that can cause hopelessness and despair. Thats the kind of pain that will turn a good person into one of Satans rejects.

1 yr and 1/2 ago. " Slish i'm pregnant" I respond " Noooooo waaay. For real Bashy? Who's the daddy?" Bashy " TDH" I respond "TDH!!! Bashy I thought you stopped seeing him? Bashy " No we're still together and i'm afraid to tell him." I ask " Why? " Bashy " Slish he has three children already! He's going to try and convince me to have an abortion. uh uh I'mnottellinghim." I say " Bashy you have to tell him. " Bashy " Why! " I respond " Baaaaasshy" Bashy " Okay Ill tell him " She hangs up.

1 week later " So how did he respond" Bashy " Like I knew he would. He wants me to have an abortion says he can't handle one more kid right now. I respond " He should have thought about that before he stuck his dick in you raw, but I can't let him take full responsibility you let him do that. Why? Bashy " We were using a condom, but it broke. " I respond " Baasssshy" Bashy " Okay maybe not all the time, but i'm in love with him and i'm going to have this baby" I say " Kewl what he say when you told him that." Bashy " He said i'm being selfish and that I could always have another baby why do I have to have this one. " I respond " He said that! FUCK HIM! Have your baby! He don't want to be a stand up dude! FUCK HIM! You don't need him. Anything you need before and after you have this child. I'll be there! Bashy responds " Slish you can't do that. You have your own life to live." I respond " Yeah and you and that little critter are a part of that life now." Bashy giggles a little and responds " Slish you're like the big brother I never had. Thank You."

5 months go by. Bashy was glowing. Her outlook was positive despite the fact that TDH had abandoned her. I picked Bashy up from her job whenever she worked the late shift. We went baby shopping I even started planning her baby shower along with her sister. We were like one big happy family. She was going to have this baby and I was going to be Uncle Slishy. I looked forward to it.

7 months Its a girl!!! Bashy " Slish everything I didn't get as a child. This little girl is going to have. " I say " Thats great Bashy. Anything you need, babysitter, money , anything at all. Just call me and i'm there" Bashy " Slish how many times do I have to tell you. I'm grateful but I can't expect you to put your life on hold. What if you meet someone special. She's not going to want you spending all your time with me and my baby. I respond "At the rate i'm going your baby will be 21 by the time that happens cause these hoes don't looooove me " We both start to laugh I ask " How many times the baby kick you today?" Bashy " You know what Slish she must be tired because she hasn't kicked me since Friday night. I get quiet and think to myself. Today is Sunday that baby should be kicking her daily I respond" Yeah you're probably right. Listen I need to make a phone call. I'll call you back. I hang up and quickly call my mom. " Ma if a pregnant woman hasn't felt her baby kick since Friday. Should she be alarmed? " Mom" Slishy thats not good.Take her to the Hospital NOW!

I call Bashy " Hey Slish" I say " Hey girl. I don't want you to get nervous but just to be on the safe side. Lets take a drive to the Hospital. Make sure things are what they should be." Bashy's voice starts to tremble " W Why" I respond " Baby don't worry lets just go to the hospital" Bashy calms down and responds " Okay I'll be ready in ten minutes"

1/2 an hour later we're at the Hospital in the waiting area. Bashy is calm and i'm telling her stories about the women that are currently in my life. " Slish you ain't never gonna settle down" I respond " If your fine ass sister would stop dating white boys maybe I might have a chance at happiness. " Bashy " Please she ain't thinking about you" I respond " One night. Ooooooone night is all I need to become your brother in law" Nurse " Ms Bashy Ms Bashy." Bashy responds " Thats me " Nurse " Could you follow me please" Bashy gets up and walks toward the nurse. I say " Bashy you want me to come with you? " She looks back, smiles and nods her head yes. I get up and walk behind her.

10 minutes later Bashy is lying on a bed, shirt pulled above her stomach, while the doctor is performing an Ultrasound. I hold her hand and smile " I'm sure its nothing" Bashy gives me a worried look but manages to smile back. I look over at the doctor, but she's not smiling just moving the pad around on bashy's stomach. I look over at the monitor but I can't figure out whats going on. Doctor " Ms Bashy it seems that your baby's heart has stopped beating. I gasp as I felt my heart stop ! Bashy lets out a scream from the pit of her stomach "'Noooooooo my baaaaaaaby Noooooooo Whyyyy Why! What did I do! What did I do! I've been soooo good. Why my baby Whyyyyyyy!" I grab Bashy, pull her close to my chest, and hug her making sure she doesn't see me crying. Bashy " Why Slish Whyyyy." Then she pushes herself away from me and gets angry " He did this to me! He didn't want this baby! I bet his ass is happy now! I'm gonna kill him ! I grab her and say " Bashy! Don't say that! Its not his fault. Its not your fault. We're gonna get through this.

I turn to the doctor and ask " Whats our next step" Doctor " We're going to have her admitted then induce labor. Bashy starts to cry harder " Nooooooo Sliiish. Why my baaaby!" I respond sadly " I don't know sweetheart" At that moment I start wondering if there is truly a higher power because if there was it would not have allowed this to happen. I mean. What lesson could Bashy possible learn from this experience.

The next day Bashy pushed out her future and her past. She called her sperm donor several times but he never showed up. I kinda thought he would. Considering the circumstances, but you know NIGGAS. They're always consistent. Him not showing up caused a self destruct button to go off in Bashy. I went into Super Hero mode and tried to save her, but Bashy let go of my hand and started to freefall. Our friendship eventually disintegrated into Vapors.

I guess what they say is true . Once a good girl gone. She gone forever.

Ya'll Gone Make Me Lose My Mind

2006-11-06T03:00:00.000-05:00

Life isn't fair. Men get the short end of the stick when it comes to committed relationships. We take a back seat to anything that is important to our female counterparts. Its like there is this double standard we know nothing about.

Now the reason why I haven't lost my God Damn mind. Is because I take comfort in knowing that this shit is Universal. All men across the nation experience the same bullshit I do.

This morning I was walking Barney's dog. Something I do every weekend. I run into this white dude with an accent . Both our dogs are trying to get at each other. I ask " Your dog? " he responds " No. My girlfriends " I laugh and say " Does your girlfriend spoil her?" His eyes light up " My girlfriend and I have big fight over dog because she refuses to discipline" I laugh even harder because Barneys and I argue about the same fucking thing. Her response to me " Its my dog" Not realizing that her bipolar pooch has invaded my space. Not the other way around. I was sucking my sweeties toes waaay before that dog was.

I don't think women recognize how much men sacrifice in relationships. Our boys become a distant memory while their homegirls are the cornerstone of every decision they make. Our bad habits are intolerable. Their bad habits are " You knew this about me when we met! Don't start trippin NOW!" Let us be on our cell phones for an hour while we're spending quality time" When they do it. Its " Baby i'm taking care of business" Yeah Riiiiight. Like i've said before LET A MAN DO THAT!.

Ladies this is the reason why most men cheat. They feel short changed and figure shiiit if I have to put up with this I might as well find some piece(spelled correctly) of mind. But doing that gets old. Why because this shit right HERE ! Is universal. Women treat all men the same and its probably not going to change.

How many of you fellas out there have done some bullshit to push a woman over the edge changing her outlook on relationships forever. Making them hard as nails and unforgiving. Yeeeeah you know its true. Women are the way they are today because of us. Right now every annoying thing my sweetie does. I take it on the chin because I know i've probably done the same exact thing to someone in my past. Its like poetic justice.

So my brothas. When you're biting your bottom lip, fist clenched, ready to toss your Cuddle Muffin through a fucking window. Think about the pain and hurt your lady has been through. Think about that one dude that could have driven her to a self imposed exile. Think about " Damn! That dude used to be me"

Then and only Then will it all start to make sense.

The Black Hole

2006-10-30T03:00:00.000-05:00

Brubaker. That was the name of my first real bicycle. My dad bought it for me on my 11th birthday. Brubaker was orange with real rubber tires. Not like the hard plastic tires I had on my previous one. Couldn't put air in them at all. If they got flat might as well get a new bike. Which was the very reason why my dad bought me Brubaker. Getting that bike was like a coming of age. Slishy was becoming a big boy.

Now having Brubaker was great , but there was only one draw back. Slish Sr wouldn't let me leave the block with it. He was afraid an older kid would take it from me. So riding up and doooown my block became redundant. I got bored quick. Before you knew it Brubaker was collecting dust in my basment.

It wasn't until a few years later when Fondu and his big brother got bmx bikes. I brought Brubaker out of retirement. The crew had started a little bike posse. We used to build ramps and jump over shit. Well actually we used to jump over people. If you could jump over 4 individuals lying on the floor! You were the man! Brubaker wasn't built like those bmx bikes. All light in the frame and shit. So Fondu and his brother held that title until our parents caught us and SHUT THAT SHIT DOOOOOOWN.

One Saturday morning in the summer. Phantom comes over to get me for our usual visit to the ice cream store. Our video game of choice Arabian Knights. I get dressed, run down the stairs and push open the screen door. Phantom is sitting on my porch waiting patiently. " What took you so long? " I respond " Had to make sure my fro was tight" Phantom laughing" The only way that girl(Casey) is gonna notice you is if you talk to her and we know you're too chicken shit to do that" I respond " Yo Momma! " Phantom stops, looks at my head, and says " Your fro is uneven " I gasp like a little bitch and run back into the house. When I get there I look in the mirror. Muthafucka !!! He got me again!!!

5 minutes later Phantom and I head over to Fondu's house to pick him up. That seemed to be our routine. Phantom comes and gets me we both go and pick up Fondu. Today would be different. When we get to Fondu's house. He and our other boy Lump Lump are prepping their bikes. I say " Hey. You not coming to the ice cream shop?" Fondu quickly responds " Nope" Phantom " Where you guys going? " Fondu grins proudly " To that man made dirt bike course next to the Bowling Alley " Lump Lump knodding his head in approval. Phantom " I wouldn't do that if I were you " Fondu gives Phantom a screw faced look " Why! " Phantom " Rumor has it. That place is like the black hole." Fondu looking all confused pointing a scewdriver at Phantom " What is that supposed to mean" Phantom " It means you'll come back, but your bike won't. " Fondu's eyebrows tighten " Shut the fuck up. You just jealous cause you don't know how to ride a bike" Which was true Phantom had never learned to ride. He used to just sit around and watch us. Fondu " Slish you wanna come " I respond " Nope. You heard Phantom" Fondu laughs " Ain't nobody gonna steal that piece of shit you riding" I respond " Laugh if you want to. I remember hearing your mom say if something happens to that brand new bike she got you. She was not only going to beat your ass with every pot in the house but you would not be getting another one. " Fondu gets on his bike and rides over to phantom and I. He starts sniffing and says " Both of you smell like pussy " Fondu and Lump Lump ride off.

Phantom and I go the Ice cream store as planned. We play a few video games and eat some ice cream. On our way home we decide to take the long way so that we would end up on Fondu's side of the block. As we're walking up the hill we see Lump Lump kicking rocks and Fondu sitting on his steps with his head between his hands. We head on over to them. I say " Whats the matter? What happened?" I start looking around and didn't notice Fondu's or Lump Lump's bike " Where are your bikes?" Lump Lump shakes his head and sighs " They took them " Phantom " Stop playing! For real! Fondu finally lifts his head up. WHOA!!!!! His face was FUCKED UP! Lip swollen and split wiiide open. I look at Lump Lump. Not a scratch on him. Fondu " You happy now Phantom! You gonna say I told you so!" Phantom chuckles " Nah, but your lip is fucked up. You might have to go to the emergency room." I say " Lump Lump how come you don't have a scratch on you?" Fondu says" Lump Lump is a PUSSY. They just tapped him on the shoulder and he gave his shit up! ME! I FOUGHT FOR MY BIKE" Lump Lump rubs his face and responds " My bike wasn't worth ruining my good looks" Phantom and I laughed so hard our stomachs started to hurt.

Fondu is infuriated now. " You guys think this shit is funny!" Lump Lump " No one told you to hold on to the handle bars while the dude who was stealing your bike was punching you in the face" Phantom laughing even harder " Thats what happen ! Thats how you got that fat lip!" Phantom then pushes out his bottom lip. Making fun of Fondu. Fondu responds " Fuck You! Phantom shouts back " No! Fuck You!" and pushes out his bottom lip again " You're the one with the FAT LIP and NO BIKE! Think i'm going to wait till your momma gets home so I can witness the biggest beat down of the century! " Right then. Fondu realised the worst part of his situation was not over.

Later on that day his momma beat him like he had two parents and swore he would never get another bike from her. Lucky for him. The brother Fondu now despises offered him his bike . In doing so he gave up a portion of his childhood so that his little brother could have one. Funny thing is. If you tell fondu that story he still has the same response

" Fuck You"

Halloween Marauders

2006-10-23T03:15:00.000-04:00

Back in the day Young Slishy had a serious sweet tooth therefore Halloween was like a dream come true. Free candy that I didn't have to share with my little sister Stughetto ! Yeah it was selfish, but its not like she was going to share hers with me. So October 31st became my second favorite day of the year . Christmas being my first.

As I got older hmmmm I would say 15. Right around the time I met my first love Casey. Halloween for me came to a screeching halt. You see the year before. My greedy ass tried to go trick or treating knowing I was too old. But I figured with a mask on and two younger kids Casey's brother Picasso and little brother SquirtBoy. I could go door to door and get my fill of treats. Saving my allowance money for more important things. Like porno magazines.

So we're on our way home skipping along like we just won the lottery. Some older kids approach us " You little muthfuckas too old to be trick or treating" and they grab Picasso's bag of candy. He holds on and responds " Noooooo. Stop it. Let go of me!!! " he breaks free and starts running. Me and SquirtBoy do the same. The older kids take off after us. I yell " Split up! " Picasso heads in one direction, Squirt Boy hides under a car and I hit top speed in the middle of the street ! In those days I was the Chocolate Tornado! It was damn near impossible to catch me. So the older kids gave up, but Picasso wasn't so Lucky. I hear a loud scream, stop dead in my tracks, turn around and see Picasso surrounded by white smoke and egg splatter. His goodie bag split wiiide open and his candy all over the street. I run back! Dodging eggs and powder bombs. I yell to Picasso " Forget about the candy! Run Nooooooow!!!!" I distract the older kids so that he and Squirtboy can get away. " When I realize they're in the clear. I take off behind them. Splat!!! I look over at my left shoulder. I'm HIT!!! Egg yolk was all over me! I catch up to Picasso and Squirtboy. I look at Picasso and start laughing hysterically" He frowns, wipes the powder from his cheek and responds " I'm glad you think its funny" I laugh even harder and give him my goodie bag " Take some of my candy you deserve it." I laughed so hard I fell on the floor holding my stomach.

The Following year. There would be no trick or treating for me. I learned my lesson from the year before. Instead I spent it hanging out on Casey's porch trying to get her to notice me. All of a sudden Picasso comes dashing out of the house. Mumbling something about he's going to be better prepared this year. He runs down the steps and into the night. An hour later he comes back with the rest of my boys Phantom and Fondu holding a bag of apples and pears in one hand and a garbage can cover in the other. I say "Watcha gonna do with that!" Picasso " Anybody who throws eggs at me! Will get one of these!" Then he motions " Look Slishy! I'll block" holding up the garbage can " Then throw an apple. Its full proof!" I laugh and respond " You looking for trouble. Hit somebody in this neighborhood! Will get you more than just an egg thrown at you. You might get stabbed!" Picasso responds " I'll take my chances "

Later on that night. Some kids from another street snuck up on us and threw eggs from the top of a one story building that was located on our block. Picasso was the first one to retaliate. Me, Phantom and Fondu followed his lead. Those kids got lit the fuck up! Teach them not to fuck with Jamaicans. We're naturally gifted with good aim. So they retreated. Picasso and Fondu decide to go to the store and get some candy. 5 minutes later I see Fondu running back and he yells at me and Phantom " They're coming!!!" I yell back" Who!? Where's Picasso!? Fondu keeps running and points behind him. Phantom and I look down the street and see Picasso running while blocking eggs thrown at him with the garbage can cover.

10 minutes later Me, Phantom and Picasso end up getting barricaded in Fondu's house. 10 kids from the next block were outside waiting for us to come back out. Fondu is cursing at Picasso " Get the fuck out. Why you come here! Picasso responds " I didn't want them to egg my house! My mother will kill me! " Fondu " What the fuck you think my mother is going to do! " He pushes Picasso out of the house and slams the door. Me and Phantom peak through the window and watch Picasso bob and weave on the porch while eggs are thrown at him. Fondu is pacing back and forth hoping his mother doesn't wake up and bust his ass. We look out the window again and see that Picasso has disappeared. Phantom "Where he go? " I respond " I don't know? Doesn't matter anyway those guys are still out there! Fondu starts getting teary eyed and puts his hands over his eyes " What am I gonna do NOW!!! My mother is going to wake up in about 1 hour and throw a pot at my head!" Phantom says " Okokok! Slish and I are gonna leave and run in the opposite direction of your house. Get us two garbage bags. I say " What we gonna do with those. Phantom ignores me, takes the bags from Fondu and makes 3 holes in each of them. He hands me a bag and says " Put this over you" I laugh and say " Wow you a genius! " Phantom responds " Shut up and RUN!!!!" he pushes open the screen door and we JET!!!!

The Halloween marauders take the bait and follow me and Phantom in and out of backyards, porches and bushes. Phantom " Okay Slish lets head back " I respond " They still out there!" Phantom " We can't stay in this backyard all night! I shrug and respond " Aiight" We watch the Marauders walk by, peak our heads out and RUUUUN!!!! One of the marauders turns around and Yells " They're trying to get away. Get em!!!" Phantom and I look at one another and run for dear life. Eggs are flying everywhere hitting the plastic bag shields we had on. We get to our block and Phantom stops running. I yell " Watcha doin!? They're right behind us!! Phantom out of breath responds " Can't run anymore" Right then. I could have left him. But I learned early on never leave your friends behind. I say " Okay what we gonna do" Phantom smiles and walks over to a tree. Pulls both of his hands and head inside of the bag and kneels down. I'm like WTF!! Hold up! Oh shit!!! This nigga looks just like Garbage.! Thats genius ! I did the same thing and leaned right there next to him. The Halloween Marauders ran right by us.

A few minutes later the coast is clear. Phantom and I rise from the darkness and head to our houses. On the way we notice a rumbling in some bushes. We stop ! " Phantom whispers to me "Whats that." and OUT comes Picasso " They gone!" Phantom and I sigh in relief and respond in unison " Yeah" We all laugh and go home.

The Next day we watched Fondu's mother use his head for target Practice. That woman could throw a pot. I mean even when Fondu tried to run around a corner to hide. The pot would just turn in that direction and SMACK !!! Right in the head. Anyway. That didn't surprise me. After all Fondu's momma was Jamaican.

Ms Fat Booty

2006-10-16T15:13:00.000-04:00

Temptation can be a muthafucka!!!

There I am standing outside of the Caridad restaurant waiting on the food I ordered for my future. This Mocha toned sista with long black straight hair comes around the corner. Her shirt was slightly open. Exposing just enough cleavage for a brotha to slip a little sumthin sumthin between. My eyes worked their way down to her hind part section. Laaaaaaawd haveth mercy!!!! Please take this temptation away from me!! Her ass turned to the right then to the left. Shiiiit I could have sworn it winked at me. Then the blind guy on the corner looked , smiled and nodded his head in a approval. I swear I have never seen anything quite like it.

The Slasher is wide awake now. He whispering in my ear as Ms Fat Booty is walking by. " Say something nigga " I respond " Say what !!! " Slasher " Say Woman your ass is a weapon of mass destruction. I'm going to need your phone number in order to protect the rest of humanity" I respond " You definitely on some shit. I'm going back into this restaurant, getting my food and going straight to Queens" Slasher " Say something Fool. See if you still got it " I say " See if I still got what? A brain. The only woman I want to see right now is my sweetie. Leave me alone. You're not getting me into any trouble today. " Slasher " I'm tired of this shit!!! You got me locked up like a crackhead needing a fix!! LET ME AT HEEEEER!!! I say" Nope we have other plans. "

Ms Fat Booty comes back from the store and is heading in my direction. I start to go back into the restaurant to avoid temptation. Then I say fuck the Slasher. I'm standing my ground. Why can't I stand here and appreciate Ms Fat Booty' s asstributes without trying to get at her. You know what. I can and I will. Its called self control, its called having someone believe and trust that you are the man she fell in love with. Its called being a Good man. Ms Fat Booty walks by. I smile and give her a kind nod. I open up my cell phone and call my sweetie " Baby I'll be home soon. "

Real Nigga's

2006-10-09T03:08:00.000-04:00

While driving through my neighborhood Saturday afternoon. I showed Barneys and her sister Bush Baby the elementary school I attended. As we're passing by I point out the fire hydrant Grantlove slammed this white boy's head into because he made the mistake of talking about his Momma. That shit was hilarious. Grantlove is slamming this kids head against the hydrant after every word he says '' Say " slam " Something" slam " About " slam" My " slam " Mother" slam" Again " slam slam. Good and Plenty and I had to grab Grantlove before the nuns came out. Classic Gangsta moment

After telling Barneys and Bush Baby that story. Bush Baby says" Why you talking about who Grantlove beat up. What about you" I respond " What about me!" Bush Baby " Who you beat up Slish " I respond " Oh I was worse than Grantlove. You didn't have to talk about my momma for me to beat ya up. I beat people up for fun." Barneys rolls her eyes and looks over at me and says sarcastically " Yeah riiiight. Who you beat up baby. " Bush Baby chimes in " Yeah Slish who ? " I become a little defensive and respond " Umm I lumped up a few cats right there in that school yard " Barneys giggles, nods her head up and down , and says" Okaay baby" Bush Baby in the background laughing. I say " Whats so funny. You think I can't get RAH RAH!!! I can get RAH RAH!!! Barneys laughing harder " Verbal RAH RAH yeah. Physical RAH RAH I don't think so. Didshejustcallmeapussy! Slasher responds " Yeah bruh she just called you a pussy" I give Barneys this devilish grin and say " You would be so wrong to assume that"

Now I know I'm not one of those hood niggas that stabs himself in the chest with an ice pick right before a fight, but i'm no punk and it hurts my feelings Barneys assumes that I couldn't protect her if some shit went down. What do I have to do to change her perception? Walk around with a blunt in my mouth, wear jeans and timbs all day, when she asks " Baby where are you?" should I respond " BITCH SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU! " Will that convince her I can protect her Then! Yeah I've choked a nigga who threatened to shoot me, Yeah i've been jumped and left three of them cats on the floor grabbing body parts they didn't know they had, Yeah a psychotic muthafucka on the train threatened to harm everyone around him and I was the only one brave enough to step to him, But real nigga's don't brag about shit like that! Real niggas do real THINGS !!!

Let me tell you ladies something. Its real easy to rob, hustle, stab and shoot another African. It takes a real man to walk away from shit like that. If you think i'm wrong why are so many brothas locked up, why are there so many more black women attending college than black men. Why are so many of you still searching for that one brotha you don't have to share or visit through a plexiglass window. WHY? Because you have this perception that a brotha who's chosen to duck bullets instead of standing up in front of them is a Pussy! When in reality he's exactly the kind of man you need to build your life with. The kind of man that will put his family before anything else. If you ask me thats the only kind of protection any woman needs.

Yeah ya'll . I'm a real nigga. A real nigga that does GROWN UP THINGS.

Brother Can't Get A Break

2006-10-02T03:00:00.000-04:00

I've always wondered why black men shut one another out. Why don't we show each other love. Are we afraid to let other brothas into our circle. Is it considered gay to say whats up or even hold a decent conversation with another Brotha?

When I worked on Wall street my white counterparts always reached out to me before the Brothas did. Its Like they had to check out my cool meter. Its ridiculous. I've said whats up to a brotha I work with for an entire year even invited him to a few events i've hosted in the city. Dude just brushed me off. Probably thinks just because I wear slacks and a dress shirt to work that i'm bougie. SO WHAT!! If I am. I'm one of the coolest bougie mofo's in NYC.

Brothas judge one another on appearance and by what they do for a living. I'm not gonna lie. When one of my homegirls tells me they're dating someone new . I always ask them what the guy does for a living. If they tell me he works for the city I automatically assume he's a broke mofo like myself. If she says he is in law enforcement Automatically I assume Womanizer, Alcoholic and probably divorced. If they tell me lawyer, doctor or banker Automatically nigga gotta be stuck up and probably a control freak like my boy Corporate. I shouldn't do that. As a matter of fact no one should judge anyone by what they do or did for a living. Get to know the person first, ask the right questions. You might gain some insight into that Brothas world and learn something important.

I learned something new about my boy Corporate just the other day. I discovered he is not a self absorbed arrogant prick. I just assumed so because of his status in the community and position in life. In other words I was jealous of his success and had to find a way to compensate for it. I've always been proud of him. But jealousy and ignorance can cloud ones thinking. So I just got used to calling him names and forgetting about the time I came home from work one afternoon and saw that eviction notice on my front door. I called Corporate. He put the money in my acct to cover my rent that very day. Shiiiit he's done that for my dead beat ass more than once. Even though I paid him back in a timely manner he never once called to remind me about how much money I owed.

About a month ago Clipperman was about to lose his barbershop because of back rent. Corporate was willing to front me the cash to buy it from him. We both agreed that Clippermans employees needed that shop open. If it got shut down their livelihoods would be lost. It was a noble gesture. I'm ashamed to admit that I discrimate against Corporate because he has money. What makes it worse is that I know other Black folk do it to him also.

Corporate explained to me the only difference between he and I is our tax bracket. When we hang out people assume that he's pretentious because of his white collar career. They assume i'm down to earth because of my blue collar status. Truth be told i'm more pretentous than Corporate. I've never known him to judge a book by its cover. Shit the man never asked a woman he's dated what they did for a living. ME!!! I ask that shit before I get the number. Guess I discovered something new about myself the other day too. I'm a stuck up Blue Collar Prick!

Guys like Corporate are not the reason why Black men don't reach out to another. Its jealous assholes like myself.

The Boris/Beyonce Effect

2006-09-21T19:50:00.000-04:00

I was talking to Corporate America ummm think it was Tues. We were discussing the possibility of Clipperman getting married to his current psycho, needy, and co dependant girlfriend. I say " Yo Corporate. Lets take a close look at Clippermans history with women. What does he have to offer or ever offered ? " Corporate laughs and responds " Slish thats a fucked up thing to say." I say" True but what does he really have to offer. Clipperman is cheap, Self absorbed, A habitual cheater, manipulative, and constantly depends on a woman to dig him out of what ever financial hole he digs for himself. What woman would want to be with a man like that! " Corporate laughs some more and responds " The woman he's with right now. I hear she's already looking at reception halls." I say " Stop Playing. For real ! I know its not the sex because clipperman doesn't put his back out for chicks. Something about it being easier for him to break up with them if the sex is wack. " Corporate says " How do you know that " I respond " He told me" We both start to laugh even harder.

Corporate says " So why do you think women are so drawn to Clipperman " I respond " Its gotta be his looks. I mean Clipperman really is a good looking man " Corporate says " First! Your faggot ass better not be looking at me like that. Second Clipperman is no better looking than you or I. I respond " Believe that bullshit if you want to that Nigga is waay better looking than the both of us. " Corporate " Does Barneys know you're GAY! Get out of here with that bullshit!" I laugh and respond " Whatever man! Check this out! Some women especially insecure ones will put up with foolishness because a man is good looking. Men do it all the time. Why should it be any different for women. " Corporate laughs says " I gotta hop. Don't tell anyone else about this Faggot ass conversation "

How a person looks has a lot to do with the way they're treated by the opposite sex. Today despite being vertically challenged i'm considered handsome, chocolate and even sexy. Back in the day I was that blaaaack big nose, nappy haired kid who wore glasses. I was not the main attraction at all! The good looking guys with no lyrics got all the attention. I mean the things they would say to girls. No creativity at all.

When we were in elementary school Grantlove got all the girls because he was light skinned and had curly hair. Remember the girl Chip Tooth he stole from me. Well we spent most of our time chit chatting with one another during class. We had so many things in common. I always made her laugh, but for some reason she never really saw me. But when Grantlove's Chico Debarge ass showed her some interest. THAT WAS IT! No more chit chatting with Young Slishy. It was Booty grabbing in the school yard with Grantlove. Why . Because he was light skinned with curly hair!

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but DAMN!!! Does everyone have to date/marry someone that makes them look good or help their self esteem! Dude/Chick could be dumb as a door nail. Let them look like Boris Kodjoe or Beyonce! They could SHIT ALL OVER YOU and you probably wouldn't smell it.

I've been a victim of The Beyonce Effect. I remember once. I tracked my then lying, cheating ex Butterscotch down at a restaurant. When I found her inside. She was sitting with some other guy. Bitch didn't jump, explain, cry NOTHING! Just sat there and gave me a WTF you looking at stare. Later on that evening she called and gave me some bullshit explanation. The Beyonce Effect kicked me right in the ass because I didn't break up with her. Shit! Now that I look back on the relationship. She got away with a lot of Bullshit because of the way she looked. Honey complexion, long black hair, flat washboard stomach and an ass that made a brotha want to bury 2 or 3 body parts into it.

So I guess the point i'm trying to make is everyone wants to be with/marry an attractive individual and thats fine. Just be secure with yourself and show no fear. Why? because pretty/handsome people already know they're good looking and use it to their advantage. But if you show no fear the average person can FLIP IT and use the pretty folk to boost their Romantic Value Meter making themselves a CATCH!!!!!!

Slish to Slasher in 1.2 seconds

2006-09-18T00:20:00.000-04:00

I am a moody Son of a Bitch. I think my friends and family know but they have knoooow idea that my moods can change faster than a channel surfer on steroids. I remember one morning I got up in a good mood. Birds chirping, my clothes fit just right, skin was clear no razor bumps insight and if you took a quick glimpse at my car it might have looked like a Lexus I 350. WHY IS IT !!! While walking through the hospital on my way to the office humming Aint No Woman Like The One I Got. A colleague stops me in the Hallway to talk to me about BULLSHIT and she has a piece of Egg stuck between her teeth! JUSTLIKETHAT!!! I'm in a bad mood for the rest of the day..No WOOOOSAH!!! for this muthafucka !!!

Here are a few things that can turn Slish into Slasher in 1.2 seconds...

1. Never call me more than once for the day especially if you've left me a message. Call again!! You might not hear from me for the next 3 days. If you call 3 times. The Whole Week...

2. Radio stations that play the same fucking record 4 times in 1 hour. At the work place the only station that white bitch in my office listens to is z100. I can't stand that station. Any Black artiist I hear them play is a sure fire way for me not to buy their CD!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! Who am I kidding. I meant download for free!!

3. Some chick wining about her no good husband/boyfriend who cheated, got some other chick pregnant, but she refuses to leave his tired ass because she's worked too hard to make him the man he is today. Bitch you should have put in overtime cause that nigga has poor dick control!

4. Brothas who complain about nagging, money grubbing, cheating girlfriends. Then marry them because they don't want any other brotha to stick their magic stick up in em. 1 year later. The only thing thats changed is she's using your car to pick that muthafucka up! So what happens next!! They start cheating as PAY BACK!! Recipe for disaster!!! DINGLEBERRY shouldn't have married that "I Ain't Saying She's A Golddigger ! "

5. When more than 2 Africans go out to dinner. The bill comes. One dumb ass says " I only had fries. Why should the bill be split evenly. Cause we all came here together!! If a muthfucka come up in here right now and rob this bitch he gone take AALLL our money he ain't gonna skip over you because you just had fries!!!! Put yo money in!!! Ya cheap bastard !!!

6. Niggas who leave doo doo stains on public toilets. YOU don't do that shit at home. Why all of a sudden you wild and free now!!!! WIPE YO ASS before you get off of the potty!!!

7. When the doorman at some trendy spot in the city tells me I can't come in with sneakers and some dirty, grungy looking white boy with bad hair,wearing sneakers walks out of the spot with two of the baddest Black Chicks!!!!

8. Grown as men(35-40) still wearing Braids. I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE that shit is not cool. Keep it real and Grow the fuck up!!!!

9. Women who say " I want a man with a little thug in him" Translation I want a nigga that has 3 baby mamas, Tells you he' s coming over at 10pm but he don't get there till 1 am, and hits on your homegirl as soon as you leave the room. Fuck that shit !!! You might as well slap yourself repeatedly its less painful.

10. Men who beat, shoot, and stab women/children they supposedly love. Funny when the mystery of why they did it begins to unfold you find out. They had another wifey waaaay on the other side of town with two kids that also belong to them. Deranged muthafuckas!! Probably saw himself in every one of the victims he shot.

I'm in funny mood today Africans I think The Slasher wants to tell his story. Wants people to know that Slish is not always the boss of him. Sometimes we need the get in touch with the slasher in all of us. To help fight against the bullshit we experience daily.

The Boy Can Move !!!!

2006-09-15T03:30:00.000-04:00

Mama Slish places her little bundle of joy Young Slishy in front of the record player. She needs to clean the living room and can't do it with him in her arms. The record player seemed to hypnotize him. Mama Slish being an oppurtunist put his ass right there while she cleaned. 5 minutes later she looks over to check on her baby boy "OH MY" This boy can mooove. I mean he's doing steps that she's only seen Slish Sr do. She calls out ' Slish Sr! Come here quick !!! " Slish Sr runs to the living room " Wha happen Mama Slish!! Whats so important ! " Mama Slish whispers " Look pon yuh son." Slish Sr giggles and looks at Mama Slish with PRIDE, pats is chest and responds " Thats from my side of the family " Mama Slish sucks her teeth and responds " Move from here bout im get it from your side of the family" Slish Sr giggles some more and leaves the living room.

As the years went by and Young Slishy entered adolescence. Mama Slish noticed that her son was a freak of nature. She would take him to other kiddie parties and he would clear the dance floor with his near perfect moves. He danced like he was a grown ass man. Not in the sexual sense but in a way that intrigued his viewers. She thought to herself " When and where did this little boy learn these dance steps. " Ya see. Back in the day Mama Slish and Slish Sr loved to throw house parties. What they didn't know was that Young Slish would sneak downstairs while the party was going on and watch the grown folks do what grown folks do. Once Mama Slish figured that out. She thought to herself if I can't beat him might as well show him off. Which she proudly did.

Few more years go by. Young Slishy is now a teenager. He's already known for his quick steps and innovative moves. As a matter of fact his Michael Jackson impersonation was FIIIIIIRE!!!!! His boys The Crew loved that Young Slish could dance. Since they couldn't and girls back then were drawn to guys who could. Everytime they went to a house party and some cat was in the middle of the dance floor getting all the attention meant for them. They would say to Young Slish " Shut that down" Young Slish would do his Stunna moves and the honies eyes would light up! Once that happened The Crew would break into a smooth dance routine called The Norton( Taught to them by Young Slish) When done in unison it would cause the crowd to gather in a circle and stare in awe. It was a good hustle any teenage girl having a party in our neighborhood made sure The Crew attended.

Time passed. Young Slish is now Slish. His moves are still tight. So tight that he was asked by a one hit wonder music producer to dance for an artist he was developing. When Slish heard the song he liked it immediately, but there was a snag. Slish's boy White Chocolate was the one who connected him to the producer therefore making his non dancing ass his partner.

We had a week to practice and come up with a routine. That was the longest week of Slish's life. White Chocolate couldn't pick up the moves fast enough and had a tendency while dancing to look over at Slish in order to see what the next move was going to be.. THATS A NO NO!!!! You do that and you're always a step behind.

Judgement day. Friday 1 day before their first performance at the Palladium in NYC. Slish has already told all his friends and female admirers that he' s going to be a star and that they should come and see him perform. But before that could happen The producer had to make sure their dance routine was tight. Which it was. White Chocolate somehow found his rhythm somewhere between Weds and Thursday. They were ready !!! Mr producer says " Alright fellas lemme see what you got. " He pushes the play button on the tape deck. That infectious beat hit Slish's ear drum and he starts to move. White chocolate is moving right along with him step for step then his DUMB ASS looks over at Slish to see what the next move is going to be. Ya'll know what happened next !!!! Producer stops the tape deck and says " What is this ! You guys promised you would have this down by tonight for tommorrow!..This isn 't going to work. You guys are OUT!!!! Artist you will be performing without these knuckleheads "

Slish looks over at White Chocolate he quickly blurts out " Its not my fault you were moving too fast" he didn't respond he just took his stuff and went home. That summer the song hit the clubs hard!!! I mean it was hit!! Still is till this very day. If that song comes on in any club the crowd goes wild. Would you guys like to know what that song is? CLICK THE BAR BELOW, because my fingers refuse to type it.

The Grass Ain't Always Greener

2006-09-12T02:15:00.000-04:00

Women fail to realize when a man gets into a relationship that he's decided to put in 110 % He wants to see the fruits of his labor immediately. Unfortunately women do not use the same score card so somewhere in the middle of it all Men become disgruntled and start to think his significant other is not putting in the same amount of work that he is. Naturally our immediate response would be " Fuck this shit. I can go find another chick that appreciates me." So we leave thinking the grass is greener. BUT and there is a BIIIG But!!! The next woman in line not only has the same issues as the previous one but a suitcase full of skeletons.

Last night on my way home. I call Corporate America to remind him the Season premiere of The Wire and Def Jam are on. Corporate " Yo on your way home stop by " I respond " Why? I'm not doing any manual labor and i'm not driving you anywhere" Corporate " Nah Bruh nothing like that. Just wanted to smoke a cigar with ya" Immediately I know something is wrong. African knows I don't smoke. I respond " I'll be there in 15 minutes."

20 minutes later we're on Corporates deck drinking Heineken lites. Corporate " So Slish hows the family " I respond " Uummm fiiine" Corporate " Your lady good? " I respond " Cut the bullshit man! This ain't about me! You been in a funk since the beginning of this month. Is your family okay!?? Is everything alright with your lady! CMON!!! " At that moment Corporate's cell phone rings he answers " Hey" pause "I'm on the deck chit chatting with Slish" pause " Slish Legal Eagle says hello" pause " I just wanted to see you. Spend some time " pause Corporates face gets reeeal tight " Call me when you're done " He hangs up. I say " That your lady." Corporate looks up at me with this tight grin sighs and says " Yeah. I just don't know Slish. I'm thinking about being single again " I say " Why!! I thought things were going well with you and Legal Eagle " He shakes his head from side to side and responds " They were! Then the bullshit starts .The demands, The nit picking , The constant having things her way Allll the time. When is it going to end Slish. I work haaaard bend over backwards for this woman and all she does is complain ! I can't take it! I feel like i'm doing all the work! I start laughing " You think the grass is greener on my side of town. Check again! Things ain't always peachy in Slish and Barney land. We fight! She nit picks and wants things to go her way too! Corporate says " So what do you do" I respond " Its not what I do. Its what we do. COMPROMISE. Sometimes I bite the bullet and take it on the chin and then they are days Barneys has to suck it up and just deal. "

Corporate " The game is all fucked up man. Look at us. Doing things we normally wouldn't do. The sacrifices." I say " What!!! You think this love thing is Like Great Adventures !!! FUN FUN FUN!! Nigga you got to put in the work. Six months ago. Barneys wouldn't ask for my approval in regards to any outfit she wore. Now she not only asks but if i don't like it she'll change. WHY!!! cause I put in the work. I've earned her trust. You've been dating this woman for about hmmm Six Months. C mon. Corporate you and I been running from this love thing for years. We get into a relationship first sign of trouble WE BOLT!!!! For once! Let the women tell us its not working. For Once ! Let them be the ones to walk away. I don't know about you but i'm tired of running. Time for us to be smarter and love harder "

Corporate looks up at me, smiles and says " Be smarter huh" I say " Yup" Corporate continues "Love harder Huh " I respond " Yup Yup" Corporate laughs and says " This game is soooo fucked up. "

Why Can't I Cry

2006-09-06T04:00:00.000-04:00

I just read Royce's most recent post. Barneys called me after she read it and told me she had tears in her eyes. Royce you cannot imagine how much that story moved me and how it has caused me to re-evaluate the emotions I would encounter if I lost a family member, a dear friend or the woman I call my future.

Don't get me wrong I have lost friends and family members close to me and some not so close. I'm going to be honest. I've never grieved the way a person that loves someone should. Somehow my psyche will not allow me to show that kind of emotion.

A Childhood friend of mine I grew up with from I was a weee bitty lad. Both he and his brother are the reason I am addicted to porn till this very day was killed in a horrible auto accident. I didn't cry when my mom called me at work, or at the funeral or when I went to his parents house to give my condolences. I was the rock of Gibralter. No tears. No tears at all.

Think I've conditioned myself to be this way and I don't like it. I know I feel the pain of losing someone dear to me, but somehow I can't express it the way other people do. When my Dads mother and father died I never went to the funeral. Both were in Jamaica but thats no excuse I should have gone and paid my respects to the two individuals responsible for my existence. Instead I made up bullshit excuses about not wanting take time away from my job. That hurt my dad deeply. He has never spoken to me about it but I know how he felt.

Lately i've been thinking about "what if my parents died" already i've started to desensitize myself from it. Only thinking about "If My dad goes first I will have to move in with my mom because without him she would be lost. If my mom goes Stughetto and I would probably have to sell the house because Pops would never live there without her. Those are the thoughts going through my mind.

My problem I think ? Is that I don' respect death the way I should. I have desensitized myself because of the fear that I won't be able to get over the pain. Fear that I am never going to see this person again. Fear that whatever goals I have set forth for myself will come to a screeching halt because of my loss. I wish to the core of my SOUL!!! I wasn't built like this. But those are the cards I have been dealt. My sweetie says its because i've never lost anyone dear to me. I pray to the powers that be that she's right. Because if I lost her I want my first thought to be " What am I going to do now ? "

Thank You Royce

Let The Dollars Circulate

2006-09-05T00:38:00.000-04:00

15 minutes later Grantlove calls me back. " Slish its on." I say " How did you get Good & Plenty to agree so fast ! " Grantlove " Oh Slish that was easy. I mentioned ass and free admission in the same sentence. He was sold after that! " I say " What time we heading out" Grantlove " Well. Why don't you and Shaft come to Good & Plenty' s apt and have a drink before we go." I scratch my head for a second and answer" Heeeelll Noooo ya'll probably up there smoking trees. Making me and Shaft come up there just gives ya'll an excuse to smoke some more. Think you slick!!! Meet us at Sues 11pm sharp! " Grantlove laughs " Aiight Nucca"

1 hour and 4 porn sites later(Can't go into the shake shake club all open and shit) Shaft Calls me " Slish I'm in front of your house" DAMN!!! He's early! I'm still in my draws sitting in front of the computer checking out that last porn site. I respond" I'll be out in ten minutes"

I jump into Shafts truck and give him a pound " Whats up man . Haven't seen you since the BBq" Shaft " I know its been hectic. Ready to roll ? I respond " Yes Siiiir " We pull off.

On our way there. I call Barneys " Hey sweetie. I'm on my way to the titty bar " Barneys says calmly " Okay baby. Btw SLISH!!!!! If you touch an ass, titty or chocha i'm fucking you up !!!! I laugh look over at Shaft and respond " Sweetheart whats the sense in me going then " Barneys responds " C0ño!!!! Ya te dije- Te Rompo el Culo! Translation I will Fuck you up!! I respond " Yes Dear " I hang up. Shaft looks over at me laughs and says " Why you call your lady and tell her you were going to a strip club." I respond " Because she's psychic and i'm not suicidal. " Shaft laughs and says " I didn't tell my wife shit. She thinks i'm going to a club " I respond " Thats how niggas get fucked up, but to each is own. I rather tell the truth now and get cussed out.Than her find out the truth on her own. I will not only get cussed out but I won't get any pussy either. Shaft laughs even harder and says " True indeed. Istillainttellingmywife!"

We're inside Sue's Rendevous. Grantlove and Good & Plenty are no where in sight. I say to Shaft " Lets sit at the front of the bar. " Shaft asks " Why ? " I respond " All the strippers enter at this section of the bar. They do their best work when they first come out. " Shaft laughs and we both sit down. This fine ass Bartender with dirty blond hair walks over to us " How you guys doing tonight . What would you like?" I say " Hennessy straight " Shaft " Rasberry Stoli on the rocks " Booty girl 1 is shaking her fine ass in front of me and Shaft. A few booty drops later she starts giving us the googly eyes. She comes down from the stage and greets us with her money maker. She bends over and gently pats her beaver section. She then strokes it with her fingers. Both our eyes light the fuck up. I say " BARTENDER!!! Can we get some singles dammit!! I'm about to pay somebodies light bill up in huuuure!!! "

1/2 an hour goes by. Good & Plenty and Grantlove show up. I'm still sitting at the bar trying to give Booty girl 2 my hard earned cash. Grantlove yells out " Sliiiiish" I get distracted and end up giving Booty girl 2 more singles than I had anticipated. Grantlove " What up my nucca" He gives me a hug since he hasn't seen me since last year. Good & Plenty sits down next to me looks around, nods his head in approval and says " Slish this is the best fucking idea you've had all year. " Whew this Afican must have licked the weed before he smoked it! I caught contact from his breath alone! I respond " Yeah Yeah enough with the chit chat. Help some chick with her bills and spend some money! " Good & Plenty laughs, calls the Bartender over and gets himself some singles. A few minutes later Grantlove does the same.

12:30 am We're all having a good time. I'm already 3 drinks deep and making eye contact with every stripper that gets on stage. Grantlove says " Slish the facial expressions you're giving these hoes is priceless " I respond " Grantlove look around. All these dudes up in here mean mugging the pussy. FOR WHAT!! Takes a lot for these women to come in here and get up on that stage. My many facial expressions lets them know I appreciate their efforts! Let me show you" I call Booty Girl 3 off the stage and over to me. I say " Hey guuurl. Ya know I appreciate ya " Booty Girl 3 responds " How Much " I slip a few dollars between her D-cup pillows and say " Thaaaat Muuuch" She then squeezes her sweet melons between my hand while licking her lips " Grantlove says " You know that Chick!! I say " Nope, but I do appreciate her services " We both start laughing

10-15 strippers have graced us with their presence and its already 1:30 am. The working girls are starting to notice my boys and I aren't shy or stingy. They start to gravitate towards our section of the bar. We take notice and decide to call it a night. Another hour of pussy stroking and perfect asses jiggling in my face would have caused me to BLACKOUT!!!! Had the Slasher taken over. My bank acct would have been depleted and some stripper would have had her rent money for the month. Not to mention Barneys sent me a text message that stated " You betta not be touching no asses.If so bring your ass HOME!!!! "

So like the trained dog that I am I head home to my master for a Scooby Snack !

A Few Kind Words

2006-09-01T11:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes no matter how hard you work it seems like the only reward you get is more work. It seems like people who do the least amount of it get rewarded . What do I mean . Well for example if an employee's job performance is waay below average and they KNOW IT!!! Somehow the corporation/company they work for gives their hard working coworker the projects the slacker hasn't had time to finish. Since most companies encourage team work the phrase " Fuck off " is a no no. So hard workers pick up the slack and the Slackers get to surf the net, chit chat on the phone about bullshit, and collect the same pay!!!!

So yesterday I visit the psyche ward. When I get there I say a few kind words to the deranged, crazy and confused " Damn you still here! " Eeeew You took a shower today! Did you really stab yourself and your MAMA in the ass! " When I'm done. I walk into the nurses station to read a chart. One of the Nurses asks " Mr Slish can I speak with you." I respond " That depends. I owe you money . Nurse " Mr Slish please. This is a serious matter. I respond " So I don't owe you any money? Kewl. How may I help you " Nurse " There is a patient thats been here for at least 3 weeks and NO ONE from your dept has been here to see her. Right away I know its not my patient. Got to be that Slitch(Slacker Bitch) in my office. I ask " Whats the patients name " Nurse responds " Bi Polar " I say " Where is she. Nurse responds "Right outside. Will you please speak to her. She's worried about the enormous hospital bill she will have once she gets discharged. " I respond " As soon as I'm done reading this chart I'll go talk to her."

Few minutes later " Hi Ms Bi Polar i'm Mr Slish from the pt accts dept. I hear you need some assistance " Bi Polar responds " Oooooh Mr Slish i'm sooo worried. I don't have any insurance I don't have no job I told these people I didn't have any when they admitted me" I calmly say " Ms Bi Polar. Calm down. When was the last time you worked on the books" Ms Bi Polar responds " I was working part time in July, but since my mind started playing tricks on me I had to quit" I ask " How much were you earning' Ms Bi Polar responds " About 400 dollars every two weeks" My lips get tight and I take a deep breath. How am I going to tell this manic depressed woman that she hasn't been out of work long enough to be eligible for medicaid. If my slacker co worker had done her job and interviewed this pt 3 weeks ago. We could have persuaded the psyche staff to release her earlier. They assume a pt is medicaid worthy if they're unemployed therefore keeping them in the hospital longer than its necessary in order to generate more revenue. What the pysche dept fails to realize is Medicaid assumes anyone who's been working has also been saving. They believe an individual needs at least two months to deplete all of their resources once they become unemployed if Ms Bi Polar was admitted to our hospital 2 months after she quit her job. I would have been able to help her. I Look at up at Ms Bi Polar before I decide to give her the bad news. Her lips are quivering and the tears start rolling down her cheeks. " Mr Slish can you help me. I can't afford no hospital bill ? " I respond " Ms Bi Polar. Don't cry. I'm going to take care of this for you. Ms Bi Polar say " How ? " I smile and respond " Ms Bi Polar when someone is doing you a favor never ask how or why. Just say thank you " Ms Bi Polar gives me a warm smile and sticks out her hand and says " Thank you Mr Slish "

A few hours later. I'm sitting in my living room. I'm so tired that the television is watching my ass. My cell phone rings. I look at the screen. Its my boy Shaft. I pick up " What up playboy. " Shaft responds "What up Slish. We hanging tonight" I respond " Grantlove didn't call you and give you the 411 ? " Shaft " Yeah but he said call you" I shake my head and laugh " Aiight this is whats poppin. Good and Plenty wants to the go to the China Club. If we can't get in then we'll head down to Negril" Shaft responds " Hold up. What happened to the Titty Bar idea. I was looking forward to that " I say " I knooow me tooooo. You know what Shaft! Let me call Grantlove and have him put the Chocha bug in Plenty's ear." Shaft " Aiight Slish call me back " I hang up and call Grantlove " WHAT YOU WANT NIGGA!!! " I say " Yo is Good and Plenty next to you right now. Grantlove responds " Yeah he right here" I say " He know who you're talking to right now" Grantlove " Nah" I respond " GOOD! Tell that nigga you ain't really feeling that china club shit and say you would rather go to SUE'S Rendevous" Grantlove " WE GOING TO SUES!!! I'll call you back in 5 minutes!!!!

I'll tell the rest of this story later. I'm still in a henny state of mind... lol

Dress up again

2006-08-28T11:00:00.000-04:00

My sweety Barneys doing what she does. Did I mention shes a magnificent make up artist in high demand. I appreciate that she took the time to do this for my Family. I love that woman...
The Finished Product. The Beautiful Bride. My baby cousin Den Den. Barneys does great work doesn't she..
Figured I would put another pic in there of me... DAMN!!! I look good in that tux..lol

Lets Dress up

2006-08-28T10:30:00.000-04:00

I went to my baby cousin's wedding this weekend. Since I rarely post any pics. Figured I would do it today..Since this was one of the best Weddings I have ever been to. I have more pics but Blogger is blocking me from posting any more...

Me and My Little Cousin. De De. Don't I clean up nice Ya'll

Yes our parents have good genes. Me and my younger sister Stughetto.

My Sister Stughetto with her Boyfriend . He's lucky to have her. Hopefully the next wedding I attend will be theirs. Since he was the one who caught the garter.

Figured I would take a picture with my future Brother In law...

The Matriarch of Our Family. My Grandmother. Thats her happy face right thuur. You should see her when she's angry.

Slish SR
This is what I would like. If I didn't shave my head daily and pluck the gray hairs out of my beard.

I'm out...I just felt like sharing...

Whats Underneath Your Shoe.

2006-08-25T03:30:00.000-04:00

One thing I have realized over the years is women have a tendency to forget all the fucked up shit they do when their Husband/Boyfriend has done something fucked up. I'm going to give you an example of how females get tunnel vision as soon they're significant other gives them a taste of their own medicine.

Poochie Lee " Nigga's be on some shit!!! " I start laughing she continues " I SWEAR!!!! NOW I know why bitches be lickin each others pussies. Ya'll niggas drive us to do it ! I laugh a little harder and say " What happened " Poochie Lee " Slish. Me and my man live in Georgia right. North Carolina is about six hours away. This past weekend my man informs me that he' s going there with his son for the day. I'm like cool. Have fun. So the next day my intuition is kicking me in the ass and I decide to call him and see how the trip is going. THIS MUTHAFUCKA doesn't even pick up his phone. Slish my heart started to beat like an african drum! So I decide to keep calling until he picks up. Which he finally did. THIS MUTHAFUCKA !! gonna tell me the reason he didn't pick up was because he was driving. I'm like THIS MUTHAFUCKA must think i'm stupid I've been in the car with him on numerous occasions and his dumb ass be on that phone! " I say " Okay. Clearly your man is hiding something " Poochie lee " Oh i'm not done! A few more hours go by this DINGLE BERRY calls me and says he's on his way back from NC. AAAW Hell NO. THIS MUTHAFUCKA didn't go no damn place !!!! How you gonna go the North Carolina and come back in less than 8 hours ! "

Poochie Lee sounds like she's about to have a nervous breakdown. Last time that happened she two pieced a dude that was 6'2 300 lbs. Poochie Lee brought ol boy to his kees took 4 guys to hold her. I say " Calm down. You think your man is cheating on you ? Poochie Lee " Shit he's probably too stupid to do that right. " I respond " Then whats your problem. " Poochie Lee " My problem is that he's a liar !" I say " Poochie Lee do you know for sure that he's lying to you. " Poochie Lee " Yeah " I ask " How?" Poochie Lee" The next day I called his house and his son picks up. I ask what he and his dad did that day. He told me they hung out in Georgia and some CHICK his father knew was with them! I say" Poochie Lee you calling me from jail right now? " Poochie Lee " Slishy shut the fuck up!. I drove to my mans house, confronted him and asked why he lied to me. He told me the reason was because I mentioned I was uncomfortable with the relationship he had with this chick. SLISHY !!! I dont care about that woman!!! She ain't no threat to me !

Now this is where keeping it real goes Horribly wrong. I say " Poochie Lee a few months back. Didn't you try to hide from your man the fact that your ex boyfriend came to Georgia and stayed at your apt the entire weekend. Not only did you lie but didn't you get caught when your man came by your apt unannounced. Poochie Lee nonchalantly responds " Whats your point . " I say " My point is. The problems your having with your man now all stem from that incident. Him not taking you anywhere and the inconsistant behavior all comes from that bullshit you did. " Poochie Lee responds " But Slishy. He told me he was cool with it and nothing happened anyway cause he stayed over that weekend too " I say " That doesn't justify what you did, doesn't mean he wasn't hurt by it" Poochie Lee " So why hasn't he expressed his anger " I respond' "Poochie Lee I think he just did "

Ladies before you accuse your man/ husband of some bullshit. Look underneath your shoe first.

Free Stylin

2006-08-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

Its Moooooonday. I wake up and look at the clock. Its says 6: 15 am. The Slasher looks over at his sweetie. " Hmmm I wonder if I can get a quick one in before I go to work." Slasher starts rubbing parts of the anatomy that curls toes. Barneys responds with a looong moan " Baaaaaby waaatcha doooin " Slasher responds " Its Monday I have to go to work and you get to stay home. Shiiiit I need to be in a good mood. I want a Scooby Snack! " 15 minutes later i'm well fed and in a Good Fucking Mood. I even pet the dog on the way out of Barneys apt.

I get to work and they're two patients waiting for me. Both of them spanish speaking only. But I'm in a good mood so I don't cuss underneath my breath. I get my coworker Little Louie and he translates for me. 20 minutes later i' m at my desk. Listening to my office mate and resident no it all WHITE GIRL Gaby talk about how she went to a wedding and her boyfriend told her to write the bride and groom a check for a thousand dollars. In my mind i'm like WHAT KIND OF MADNESS IS THAT!!!! I quickly say " Never at a Black wedding " Gaby " Why cause Black People get married in recreation halls and backyards " Slasher " I know you heard that Slish. That Bitch always got something smart to say. Like she knows about our struggle when in reality she craves black culture and would be the first one to have a black dick stuck in her mouth. Rip her a new asshole. You leaving that dept in one week anyway. Slish responds " Slasher Its cool. I had a Scooby snack this morning." I smile and respond to Gaby " No we get married in the same catering establishments as you white folk but we are not going to give the Bride and groom 1000.00 dollars unless we got it like that and unfortunately we don't. Slasher adds "But I guess your gooomba boyfriend can write that off "

11 am my cousin Patra calls me begging me to find her job. I call my best bud Phantom to set some shit up. He agrees to give her an interview . I call Patra back " Cousin you want to work with kids" Patra " What kind of kids " I respond " Bad Pickney. The kind that cuss and bite if they don't get their way " Patra " Ummm I'llgetbacktoyouonthatone" she hangs up I laugh to myself. I guess she don't want a job after all.

11:30 am I call my cousin Philly Live. " Yo son I see you back on the blog scene" Philly Live "Yeah son I got some things I want to say " I say " Where you been I haven't heard from you in a minute" Philly live " Been coaching football with the youngins. Figured since i'm a grimey nigga I should give back to the community that puts up with me " I laugh and say " Your an ass " Philly Live " Yoooooo I bagged two baaaadd joints this weekend" I say " lemme guess you were driving in the hood and saw a chick with a mega booty, pulled over and started spitting those tired ass lyrics you got. Bet she has like 5 kids " Philly Live " First of I got more game than you could ever imagine and I didn't ask if she had any kids. Besides she didn't have any stretch marks " I start laughing " What that got to do with anything. I know plenty of women with children and no stretch marks." Philly Live says " Whatever "

Two to three sentences later Philly Live makes this statement " Sliiiish Sliiiish you know I Lick pussy better than you do" I respond " You couldn't lick ice cream from a cone. Besides How the fuck would you know . We ain't never licked the same pussy. " Philly Live responds " You don't have that I eat pussy look " I shake my head, laugh, but I don't respond Philly live continues " Women tell me I have that Look" I say " What Look!!! " Philly Live " You know what i'm talking about SON!!!! That I eat pussy well LOOK!!! " I'm laughing Hysterically I respond " I didn't know the dry crusty lip look was a prerequisite for licking pussy. Those ghetto vultures you fuck don't know any better. " We both start laughing.

To me licking pussy is an art. You can't just rush right in. First you Eeeeease down her stomach. Then lick the belly button on your way to her inner thigh. Gently glide your tongue across that area while taking a nibble here and there. She might squirm in anticipation but thats okay. Gently caress both her breasts. That will let her know your in charge of her kitty. Now Fellas dont get over anxious. The other thigh needs attention too. Move your lips slowly across your goal and breath a little hot air on it while on your way to the other thigh. ( Note to Pussy Licker brush yo teeth. Dragon breath can dry out the pussy) Okay She should be taking a few deep breaths in anticipation of whats coming next. Since you know its time you tease her some more. Pinch those nipples a little harder.( Disclaimer: Nipple pinching is an acquired taste.Not all women like it ) Look up at her real quick. Her eyes should be closed and her bottom lip between her teeth. NOW!!!! Remove both hands from her breast and position them under her legs gently pulling her closer to you. Now this has to be smooth do not stop nibbling the thigh area it will ruin the moment.This has to be done in one fluid motion.

OOOoooooooooh....Thats the sound she should be making right now. Your tongue has already begun to caress her inner sugar walls. Find your rhythm and what I mean by that is find her CLIT! If you've done your job correctly it should be swollen and waiting for you to play with it. Now during this time you're going to be asking yourself am I doing this right ? Your Answer will cum shortly after when her pelvis starts to gyrate and her ass rises up off of the bed. The head grabbing will start first then the pelvic BUCK!!!!!. Don't stop fellas !!! keep going and hold on to that clit for dear life because if you stop. Your face will be on the front page of THIS NIGGA IS SOOO WACK NEWS!!!!! OOh OOoooooh Ooooooooooh Ahhhhh YI YI YI YI YEEEEEEEE OHHHHHHH oooooooooooH Fellas that should be music to your ears.. Whatever you do dont start laughing. Keep sucking on that clit until the music either stops or she pushes your head away because she can't take it anymore. What comes after that is entirely up to you...

Hey Philly Live How ya Like me now...lol

Scooby Snack

2006-08-17T23:21:00.000-04:00

This relationship game is fucked up ! Men are told at a very young age. Go to school, get a high paying gig, find yourself a pretty woman to marry and have some kids. Thats IT!!! Once that happens its the end of the road for us. Do we get any breaks in between. HELL NO!!!! We just become mirror images of the women we've devoted our lives to.

Fellas i'm about to tell you something and you're not going to like it. We are being trained like DOGS by these Women!. For example my boy Corporate's lady likes to cook for the both of them late at night. Therefore he ends up eating at 11 pm. Now corporate has been eating dinner at 8 pm for years. Since the change in schedule he has developed a little belly. Thats a no no for my boy . So Corporate kindly suggests to his lady they eat a little earlier. She agrees. Yesterday about 10pm he's on his way to her house. He calls to give her his E.T.A and she tells him " Baby hurry up and get here I just finished cooking and I don't want your food to get cold " Okay hmmm scratching my head DIDN'T THEY AGREE NOT TO EAT LATE!!! Corporate is annoyed but decides its not worth the headache. He gets to his lady's crib and once again eats dinner at the time SHE wants him to eat. Ain't that some shit ! Totally dismissed his request. Let a man do that!

Example number 2. Barneys has inherited a dog. Now yo boy Slish is Allergic to any kind of animal fur. If it touches my skin or I happen to rub my eyes without washing my hands first. Lets just say I will be looking the way Will Smith did in Hitch ! I tell my sweetie this little fact before the dog moves into my territory. Does Barneys take her cuddle muffin's health into consideration. Noooooo. Instead my training begins . First it starts with " Princess (thats the dogs name) go to daddy . " " Baby i'm sooo tiiired can you walk the dog" I bring the dog back and Barneys pats me on my bald head kisses me and says' Aaaaw she likes youuu. I love you baby " THAT GESTURE RIGHT THERE!!! was the equivalent of a SCOOBY SNACK! Now i'm walking, feeding, and wiping dog piss off the carpet . Let a man do that!

Example number 3. Years ago my mother decided that frying chicken was too much of a burden. She HOODWINKS my father into thinking she's ill. Since its a family tradition to eat fried chicken on Sunday my father decides to take on the task. My mother tells him how to prepare it and 2 hours later we're eating Daddy's Fried chicken. Now he did a good job and my mother saw this as an oppurtunity and throws my pops a SCOOBY SNACK " Sllish Sr this is the best fried chicken I have ever tasted. You really have a knack for this. Hmmmm Bwoy I couldn't have fried this chicken better myself" Before I knew it my pops was frying chicken every Sunday ! Let a man do that !

Fellas do you see where i'm going with this. We can't win. No sense in trying to buck the system. Women are our masters. When they tell us to shower we shower, If they don't like the outfit we've picked out we have to change , If you have a female friend that looks Halle Berry you have to trade her in for someone that looks like Whoopie Goldberg, Your best bud rubs her the wrong way. A night out with him will turn your bedroom into the North Pole as soon as you get home. The thing that amazes me is that Women are able to control a majority of our actions using the ultimate SCOOBY SNACK ! PUSSY!!!!!!

Call Me If You Need Me.

2006-08-13T18:18:00.000-04:00

Although i've found my future. A few friends and family's personal lives are crumbling into 100 little pieces . The first call came on Friday night before the bbq. It was from my ex girlfriend Casey.

" Whats wrong ? " Casey Crying on the other end responds " I I i'm sorry Slish I shouldn't have called " I respond " No its okay. Something must be wrong because you never call this late and you're crying. You have my full attention" Casey still crying " I'll be fine I shouldn't have called" I sigh and say " Casey does this have anything to do with your B-day on Sunday? Casey responds " Something like that " I say " Your boyfriend have anything planned ? Casey starts crying again" N No he's working and doesn't have time. " I respond "DOESN' T HAVE TIME!!! Its your birthday ! How could he not make time for you ! Casey " Slish his job is very demanding ( Note to Bloggers Casey's Boyfriend is a doctor) He did come by and see me tonight. " I say " I get it now. I know why you're crying. Dr Dolittle came over a hug, kiss, and two to three strokes later . He tells you he has to go and hopes you understand " Casey sobs " Yes. Slish I I just wanted more time with him. I just wanted more time. " I look at the side walk sigh and answer " Damn. When is this cat going to realize what he has " Casey is a bright, successful, beautiful woman. A great catch for a smart brotha. Dr Dolittle may be a doctor but smart he is not! " Casey you need to stop doing this to yourself. Don't let him use you like this. You deserve better. A man that truly loves you wouldn't treat you this way. Do Little loves himself and his career. If you keep him in your life it will prevent you from meeting your future." Casey responds" I know. Listen i'll be okay. Go back to what you were doing. " I respond " Okay. I'll check in on you tommorrow. Try and come to the bbq. I think it will be good for you to get out " Casey " We'll see " She hangs up

1 hr later after showing Zed where the 6 train was. I'm walking back from the train station. My phone rings again. I look at the screen I must be in the twilight zone !! Its my ex Poochie Lee. I answer Poochie Lee " Nigga what you doin " I respond " Walking down 23rd street. Whats up." Poochie Lee sighs " He doesn't get it he just doesn't get it " I respond" Who doesn't get it ? Poochie Lee " My man. He hasn't figured out that i'm bored. I stepped out on his ass twice and he hasn't even noticed. " I say " Poochie Lee that ain't right. Have you spoken to yo man ? " Poochie Lee qouting YO-YO " Yeah but he don't hear me Yo" I start laughing and say" Listen I can't have this conversation with you right now. I'll call you on Sunday. Oh yeah Poochie Lee STOP hanging out with other guys. Resolve things with your man before you get yo ass in trouble. Poochie Lee " Whatever don't forget to call me on Sunday "

Early Sunday morning My cell phone is ringing again. Barney's " Baby aren't you going to pick up your phone? " I groan and respond " Nope. Don't care who it is " Barneys " Baby I told you about not answering your phone. It could be an emergency " I sigh look at the screen. Its my cousin Bowie I pick up the phone " Hello " Bowie " Nigga take your face out the pussy " I respond " Maybe if you did that more often your fucking lips wouldn't be so dry. State your business or get hung up on" Bowie laughs " I was just calling to see how the cookout went" I respond " Bowie !! Its 9 am you could have called me in the afternoon for that shit. I get out of bed and walk into the Barneys living room " Whats wrong?" Bowie responds" Why something always has to be wrong for me to call you " I rub my forehead and respond " Boooowie!!!" Bowie" Okayokayokay ! I left BB( his wife) last night and moved in with my sister. " I'm not surprised because that marriage was over before it even started. I respond " What happened ? Bowie " I just had enough of her disrespecting me. This time around Slish I snatched her up and it felt too good and came so easily to me. I don't want to be that kind of man. So I left " I smile on the other end of the phone and respond " I'm proud of you. You did the right thing. Sooo is this it. Have you finally taken enough abuse. " Bowie " I don't know haven't put much thought into that. Just had to get way before someone got hurt. " I respond " I hear ya bruh. Want me and Good & Plenty to come down for support " Bowie " Nah i'm good. This time around it didn't sting as much. " I respond " Aiight call me if you need me. "

That always been my motto.

Call me if you need me.

Welcome To The BBQ

2006-08-10T02:40:00.000-04:00

Batman Music !!!!!

I say " Where are you now? " Zed responds " Oh I doubled back and got on the 2 train. Just don't know how far away I am from that Gunhill road stop. Next stop is Pelham Pkwy " I respond " WAIT RIGHT THERE! I'm like 2 minutes from that train station. I make a bee line and head for the African.

2 Minutes later Zed is in the Van doing a meet and greet with Barneys. Barneys says" Baby I'm hungry and I need my iced coffee. I'm going to run into that Dunkin Donuts on the corner." She gets out the van and goes in the store. I turn to Zed " Yo ! Remember the chick that came into Deweys last night. " Zed " Which one ? " I say " The one that recognized you from the lips pic on your blog. Her name is Cat" Zed " Yeeeeeah " I say " You know what she said to me after I walked you to the train station last night " Zed laughing " What ? " I respond " And I quote " I'd fuck Zed. Lucky for him i'm on my period " Zed starts laughing again" No she didn't " I say " Negro you ain't even been in Nyc two full days and some chick wants to FUCK YOU!!! " Zed continues to laugh, Barneys gets back into the van and we pull off.

30 minutes later Barneys, Zed, Picasso and I are standing outside my parents house. I'm pissed off because my keys to the house are in the bronx and the fried chicken and rice and peas are inside. I make a call to Slish Sr. He doubles back and hands me his keys . We go inside and pick up the BBq goodies. On the way out Picasso notices a bottle of my daddy's Jamaican White rum and decides to take it along. Trouble Trouble Troooouble !

25 minutes later we pull up at the park. I see Lightweight sitting in front of her truck reading a book. Phoenix is nowhere in sight. Probably in the bathroom admiring herself. I introduce everyone, unpack the van and show Picasso where the grills are. Phoenix comes strolling back giving me a its about time you got here look. I introduce her to Zed and Barneys. While they make small talk I sneak off over to Picasso and ask him to hit me with some of that White Rum. Picasso quickly obliges . Barneys catches me " BABY!!! Its not even 12:00 noon" I jump and respond like the wino that I am " I just need a little taste " Picasso laughs and says in his Jamaican accent " Bwooooy . Barneys have yuh under some heavy manners" I laugh and respond " Mind yuh business and keep hitting me with a cup of this gasoline every 1/2 an hour. I shout out to Zed " Yo you want some of this feel good juice " Zed responds " Naaaah I drink that and you'll have to carry me out this park" I look Zed up and down and say " On second thought you ain't getting none of this shit. You're a big muthafucka. Yo ass fall out and get left in this park. You too big to carry! We all start laughing. Phoenix comes over and says " Slish what you over here drinking " Picasso responds before I do " White rum. Matter of fact you need some to take that edge off you " I slowly move away from Picasso after he said that CAUSE HE ABOUT TO GET A VERBAL LASHING!

An hour and 2 cups of Devil Juice later. I start having thoughts about dragging Barneys into the woods for some Heavy Petting and breathing. Lucky for her my boy Sun Man shows up with his family. Sun Man " I just called you asshole. " I say " What for ? " Sun Man " Thought I got lost figured I would call you before my ass ended up in Texas! " Sun man's girlfriend and son start laughing Sun Man " Son I want you to meet the man who verbally abused your father throughout elementary school " I look at Sun Man's son and say " Your father was a bully that I couldn't beat so I teased him instead. Yo Daddy's butt was sooooo big " Sun Man " Sliiiiish !!!! " I continue " We used to say if he was a girl we'd hit on him " Sun man's son starts to laugh hysterically and says " Daddy is that true ? " Sun man laughs and responds " Unfortunately " I say " Sun Man I want you to meet my future. Barneys this is my boy Sun Man and his family" They make small talk and I sneak off and get me another cup of devil juice.

1pm i'm waaaay past tipsy, but no one seems to notice. I walk over to Phoenix and help her with whatever she was doing. I look towards the parking Lot and see that our guests are starting to arrive. My boy D mack is unpacking his van. Phoenix's eyes light up " He married? " I respond " Uuuh Yeah . " Phoenix " Wheres his wife? I respond " In the van with the rest of his 3 CHILDREN Homewrecker!!!! Phoenix shrugs her shoulders " Awww well " I laugh and walk over to the parking lot to greet the guests

3 pm most of the guests have arrived. Royce and her crew come in like the Number one Stunnas that they are. Chezniki and her sisters arrived either before or after I can't seem to remember anyway Chezniki says " No Thongs ??? " I laugh and respond " Ya see thats why yo nasty ass almost got me into a fight in that Club a few months back " Chezniki introduces me to her sisters and of I go for another cup of Devil juice.

Cook out is in full swing now. As i'm walking away from Picasso. I feel something Brush across my ear and go SPLAT!!!! on the grass. I look down and its a green water balloon! OOh Shit!!! I quickly find my own supply and the water wars begin. My first target was my boy D mack. I throw the water missile. D Mack looks up and quickly moves out of the way. My boy Speedy was sitting right behind him SPLAT!!! right in the face! Fuck it !!!! I lit that whole section up. But like all wars the enemy will retaliate. Which was bad for me because I had depleted my supply of water ballons. About six Africans ganged up on me. As I ran away I tried to snatch some water ballons from the kiddies but they just threw what they had at me !!! All of a sudden it was desert Slish!!! I dodged a few caught a few but got hit by a whooooole lot!!! My ass was drenched!!!

As I walked back from the parking lot dripping wet. I notice Royce and her crew laughing and carrying on with Zed, Chezniki playing spades , Barneys holding her niece and chilling with her sisters and My boys being the fathers I always knew they could be. At that moment I start thinking to my self " This is what the African American Family is all about. If I could bottle what I've seen here today. I would be a millionaire.

Baste Em and Taste Em

2006-08-08T02:30:00.000-04:00

6 am my alarm is screaming " WAKE UP SLISH!! You ain't hung over! " Waaaake uuuup! I slowly place my legs on the carpet, sit up and stare at my feet. Why does my head hurt so much ? Then I laugh to myself . Oh yeah! Damn Stoli Kamikazes. I rub my head and look at the clock OH SHIT!!!! Its almost 6 :30 am! Pheonix and Lightweight will lay my ass out! If I get to the park later than the designated time which is 9 am.

I turn my computer on, then run to my bathroom. I rub my head and my face DAMN!!! Should have shaved last night when I got in ! Lucky I didn't. My drunk ass probably would have slit my throat. Police find my hairy body laid OUT in a pool of piss. I place my hands on the sink and realize ZED !!! Gotta call Zed!!! Make sure that african is up and in the shower because he needs to meet me in the bronx at 8am in order to fulfill his destiny.

I make the call. Zed's phone rings three times then goes to voicemail. " Good Morning Mr Zednanreh. This is Mr Slish "WAKE THAT ASS UP!!!!! You should be in the shower. Don't forget to take the 5 train to Gunhill rd. " I hang up, press the burn button on my cd creator and go back into the bathroom. 1 minute later my cell phone starts jinglin. I look at the screen its Zed I pick up " Please tell me your walking to the train station" Zed starts laughing and responds" Nah I just woke up. " I laugh and respond " Aiiight get in the shower and try to get on that train by at least 7:20 am. Zed " I think I can do that " I respond " Cool "

Back in the bathroom now. I'm shaving and burning Slish mixes at the same time. My cell phone rings again. I look at the screen its my boy Picasso. SHIIIT!!! I was supposed to pick him up a 1/2 an hour ago. I reluctantly pick up " Yo " Picasso says " You know what time it is right! Think Slish! Place the blame on someone else!!! I respond " Yooo my boy Zed is here from out of town. I can't make any moves until he gets to the bronx " Picasso asks " Where is he staying? " I respond " Wallstreet. Told him to take the 5 train to Gunhill road he should get to the bronx by 8:15 am " Picasso yells back " Idiot ! The 5 train does not run on the weekends! Hope yo boy is smart enough to take the 2 train. I'm leaving not going to sit around here waiting on you. I panic and respond " Where you going! Who' going to bbq all that food we bought. Picasso " Don't worry I made a promise. Unlike you I don't break my promises and I respect people's time. " I respond " Okay man! Stop being a beeaaatch. I'll pick you up as soon as Zed gets to the bronx " I hang up and call Zed. He picks up I say " Hey the 5 train ain't running " Zed yeah I figured that out. I'm the 2 train now. I think to myself " Now thats a smart african!

30 minutes later I finish getting dressed and head out the door to pick up my sweetie. 10 minutes later she's in the car and were both headed to Picasso's house. My cell phone rings.Its Zed " Yes sir. " Zed laughs and responds " You're not going to believe this" I respond " What happened " Zed " Weeeeell I thought I was on the 2 train turns out I was on the 3. I look at Barneys She says " Baby whats the matter " I respond " Zed is on the wrong train"

Batman and Robin Music in the Backround

Will Zed get to the Bronx on time in order to fulfill his destiny!!!!

Will Slish have to leave him behind before Picasso gets pissed and decides he doesn't want to go.!!!!

Is Barneys still harboring bad feelings towards Slish since their verbal tug of war a few days ago!!!!!

Saaaaaame Bat Time Saaaaame Bat Channel !!!

The Fuck You

2006-08-04T06:35:00.000-04:00

FUCK YOU!!!!! Rings in my mind Daily.

Fuck You ! To the Jackass who oversteps their bounds.

Fuck You! To my Coworkers who've been around me for years that are totally unaware when i'm in a bad mood.

Fuck you ! To my mother who constantly makes me feel like i'm a crack head or alcoholic whenever I need a favor or try to express how I feel.

Fuck you ! When my lady doesn't understand that I am not perfect and fails to realize she does come first in my life but sometimes things beyond my control can cause a shift in that balance.

Fuck you! To everyone that doesn't realize I am only one person. Although I make things look easy. Sometimes I need help too.

It took me years to control The Fuck you side of my personality. The Slasher is mostly sexual but The Fuck You ! Whew!!! Lets just say it takes a lot for him to come out. He usually surfaces when someone I love or respect does or says something that cuts me deep. The Fuck you says things like " Meet me outside muthafucka!, Say something else so I can snap your fucking neck!, Bitch i'm about to choke the SHIT out of you if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!. The Fuck You is a nasty individual capable of sooo much personal destruction. Most of my closest friends have seen that side of me. Ask Grant Love he's witnessed The Fuck You in action.

All my girlfriends have experienced The Fuck you including Barneys. Only difference this go round is Barneys has just as much Fuck You in her. So when we argue which isn't often its Intense!!!! No one wants to give in. No one wants to admit their wrong. No one wants to show weakness. What Happens ? A minor issue turns into a Nuclear Bomb and things are said that can't be taken back. Lucky for me the things I said to her were spit right back at me. Therefore we cancelled each other out.

Bloggers I love Barneys deeply . You know how I know. The Whole time we argued I never ONCE! had thoughts about cutting her off or imagined my life without her. Only thing on my mind was " Slish. Just have to work a little bit harder and love her a little bit stronger" Making that force field of love impenetrable.

Se ya'll at The BBq

The Return

2006-07-27T16:10:00.000-04:00

A summer afternoon in 1980 Young Slishy is running down the stairs with his baseball glove. He gets to the 7th step stops and jumps down to the bottom of the stairs. Mom hears him and says" Sliiiiiishy !!!! What I tell you about jumping down those stairs! One deh yuh a go bruk yuh neck!!! Where are you running off too" Slishy responds " I'm going to the bank parking lot to play baseball" Mom " Slishy yuh better be careful! Last time you played in there you broke a window and your daddy not only had to replace it but install it as well. He was not happy ! Better not let him catch you in there ! Slishy " Yes Mommy" Mom " Make sure you get home in time for dinner 6 pm yuh her me! Young Slishy pushes open the screen door and says " Yes Mommy" and runs to the parking lot so he can practice before the game starts.

Young Slishy gets to the parking lot to find that everyone is already there. As he squeeezes through the fence and jogs down the mini hill. He notices an unfamiliar face. They make eye contact. Young Slish gives him a nod, keeps going and greets the rest of the gang. Young Slishy " Hey Chubbs who's that kid standing by himself giving everyone the screwface" Chubbs shrugs his shoulders and responds " Don't know. He just showed up. Hasn't said anything to anybody. If you ask me. I think he's crazy" Slishy shakes his head from side to side and says " How would you know. " Slishy walks over to brother from another planet and says " I know you? " Stranger doesn't answer and turns his head from side to side Slishy " You look familiar. You live on this block ?" Stranger nods yes . His hat is covering his eyes so Young Slishy bends down a little to see what his whole face looks like and says " Whats your name? " Stranger looks up but doesn't smile and responds " Fondu " Slishy" What kind of name is Fondu? Never heard that before, Thats a weird name. Anyway we're about to play baseball. You know how ? " Fondu just nods Slishy " Okay you can be on my team. FELLAS!!!! The new kid is gonna be on my team" Slishy hands Fondu his glove and says " Lets see if you can catch " Fondu smiles takes the glove, runs to the other side of the lot. Slishy throws the ball to him. Fondu drops it.. Slishy yells "Thats okay you'll get better " Fondu got better and like Childs Play we became friends till the end.

July 25th 2006 I'm at work waiting for someone to jump out of the coat closet and say " You've been punked!!! Cause this job sucks ! Every patient I have to interview either overdosed or too old to speak. My phone rings I pick up" Patient accounts this is Mr Slish." Voice on the other end says " Hello Mr Slish this is Mr Fondu " Oh Shit!!! Bloggers how strange is that! Glad he doesn't read this blog. I respond " Hey dude. " Fondu " I called and left you a message yesterday. You didn't return it" Slasher is thinking " SO WHAT NIGGA!!!!! I respond " Been kinda busy " Fondu responds " I understand . So How you been? " I say " Things are great. I met my Future and found all of the missing pieces to my puzzle. How you been ?" Fondu responds " Still working both jobs. Working full time at my part time job right now since work for electricians is slow. Other than that i'm well. " Awkward silence for about 30 seconds I say " Fondu. I know you and I have had our ups and downs. Our relationship is toxic to say the least. But for some reason we've remained friends for 26 years. Why? Who knows ? Maybe I was placed here on this planet to be your conscience. I say that because you've always made me feel like I was being an asshole when I tried to get you to live right" Fondu interjects " I understand Slish " I say " No! I don't think you do. I have love for all my boys and want everyone of us to be the kind of men our children and future children will look up to. So chastising you about your behavior was not me trying to control your life, or judge you. I care about your well being and want the best for you and all my amigos. Why show contempt for the ones who care about you. I care dog thats all " Awkward silence again Fondu responds " I hear you loud and clear Slish. Yo. One evening me, you and Phantom should get together for a drink " I smile and respond " Yeah lets do just that. "

Friends till the end ? We'll see.

Evolved

2006-07-19T04:00:00.000-04:00

Evolve. Everyone does sooner or later. August 2005 it happpened to me. I evolved into a creature that needed positive energy to sustain itself. Too much negative energy caused this creature to lose focus. Without focus anything positive went unnoticed.

Fondu's presence in my life was draining me. He called me daily to vent about his mistress"

"Slish why couldn't things have remained the same, "

"I want penile implants. I Know that Blaack Muthafucka has a bigger dick than me."

"Slish I went to the park today, got out of my car, opened the trunk and looked at the clean sheets my mistress and I would use when we went to the tele. I cried when I realized I haven't used them in months "

"Son I can't do it. I know I should let her go but I can't . I- I- I feel like I just want it all to end."

I say " WHAT!!! are fucking kidding me! Get a grip. Sounds like you're about to get careless and do some dumb shit. Go home to your wife Fondu! Your mistress has moved on. Fondu " Slish I know, but I love her . Why can't things just be the same" I yell " FONDU!!!! Listen to me !!! LET - THIS - WOMAN - GO!!!!!! Fondu " I'll talk to you later Slish " He hangs up

I immediately call my boy Phantom " Yo Fondu about to do something stupid" Phantom laughing " What that crazy nigga up to now" I respond " This shit aint funny. I think he might hurt himself " Phantom " Whoa Whoa Whoa HOLD UP!! He tell you that ? I respond " Lets put it this way. This nigga is at a park RIGHT NOW!!! Crying over the fact he hasn't used some fucking sheets" Phantom " Slish what the fuck are you talking about. What sheets ! " I respond "The sheets he and his mistress use when they go to the motel to bone! Phantom is laughing real loud now and says " Thats yo boy. Glad he don't call me with that bullshit. " I say " We need to do something. Fondu needs an intervention " Phantom " Correction we don't need to do shit " I say " C mon Phantom !!! If he gets careless and his wife catches him. Thats his ass. His marriage will be over, she will take him for the pennies he's got including those 3 houses. Besides your trained to handle situations like this " Phantom responds " The msw program i'm in does not train me to keep psychotic friends from cheating on their wives. " I rub my forehead, close my eyes briefly and respond "This shit has to end Phantom. I'm calling the mistress! " Phantom " You buggin!!! Don't do it Slish! He'll resent you for it" I respond " Fine! Wouldn't be the first time. Besides its a win win. I call the Mistress, tell her how Fondu is behaving, she gives him his walking papers or she tells him I called her, he gets angry and never speaks to me again. WIN WIN !! Phantom " I've trained you well. "

So that day I called Fondu's mistress. Surprisingly we had a very pleasant conversation. She told me that she recently got engaged to the Big Blaaaack Muthafucka and that she and Fondu are only friends. Nothing more. I explained to her that Fondu does not see it that way and is behaving irrationally and she needs to clarify to him that their relationship is over. She agreed and swore she would not tell Fondu I called.

The calls stop coming from Fondu shortly after I had that conversation with his mistress. As matter of fact he wasn't even calling me to say whats up. Seemed like my plan had worked. After all I knew the mistress would tell.

August 2005 We all had to go to Phantoms wedding in Jamaica. Fondu and I somehow reconnect at Phantoms bachelor party. I offered him and his wife a ride to the airport since I already arranged to park The Batmobile there while we were away. He accepted but probably out of neccessity Phantoms wedding broke both our pockets.

I get to his house the morning of our trip. I get out of my car to open the trunk and help him and his Lady Love with their bags. Lady Love goes back into the house to get some more luggage. Fondu looks up at the doorway to see if she's coming and whispers to me " I should fucking bury you. " OH SHIT!!! This is going to be a loooong trip" His wife comes back out the house. His frown turns into a smile and he gives me a pound " Yo I really appreciate you doing this for me. You're a good friend. " This cat is going to throw me off the fucking plane !!!!

5 hours later we're in paradise and on a bus headed to Ochi Rios. Fondu " So Slish what happened? How come you came to Phantom's wedding by yourself ? " I respond " Couldn't find the right person to go with me. Can't take some random chick to your best friends wedding which happens to be in Paradise. She might fall in love." Fondu " Thats your problem Slish you're too damn picky. You will always be alone. Look at me. I have a beautiful wife , property and I make more money than you do. You want what I have " I shake my head and take a sip of my hennessy "Slasher don't answer this nigga he looking for trouble"

I somehow knew this would happen probably why I decided not to stay in the Hotel with the rest of Phantom's guests. I avoided Fondu for most of the trip. If we had to be in the same room I made sure I stood next to his wife. Fondu couldn't say anything slick while she was around.

Wedding day. I do my job as the Best Man. I make sure Phantom gets dressed and to the alter on time. I must say I did a damn good job. I made my speech and the crowd went " Awwwww thats so sweet" Phantoms bride turns to him and says " Baby did you really say everything you did to better yourself you did for me? " Phantom nods and kissses his bride. I take my seat next to Phantom. Heeeere comes Fondu with this shitty grin on his face. Its obvious he's drunk. He congratulates the bride and groom then makes his way over to me " Great job. You really are the best man " He shakes my hand and squeezes it reeeeal tight. This muthafucka!!!! I start hearing that Incredible Hulk music again. Before I knew it I had Blacked out!!! The Slasher had taken control of the steering wheel.

The Slasher gets up from his seat and spots Fondu by the bar. " Can I talk to you outside ." Fondu follows the Slasher Slasher " Whats your problem! " Fondu responds " Problem? I have no problem with you" Slasher " Bullshit nigga you been taking verbal jabs at me since we set foot on this Island ! " Fondu " Slish why don' you tell me why I've been taking verbal jabs at you " RIGHT THEN IT HITS ME!!!! This muthafucka don't know shit ! He suspects but has nothing concrete to prove it!!! Slasher plays along and responds " Tell me what I did. " Fondu's face gets tight!!! because he realizes that I am not going to confess and tell him I spoke with his mistress about ending their relationship. " Why Slish? You were like a brother. You betrayed me " I feel a hint of guilt and Slish starting to wake up. Slasher slaps the shit out of Slish and says " I betrayed you! You betray yourself daily! You betray your wife! Your friends and family by making them cover for you! I point over to his wife who is clueless to what is going on and say " You betray that woman over there!!! Who somehow believes that you will ride or die together!" Fondu yells back " Then go over there and tell my wife everything you're telling me right now ! " I say" Hmph!! Thats what what you want. Make me the bad guy so you can walk away from a marriage you never wanted in the first place. That my friend is true evil. You are an evil man. When we get back to the states This friendship is over! Fondu smirks and responds " You don't mean that Slish " I respond Oh I mean it ! Its time you fought that demon that lives inside of you by yo DAMN SELF!!!!!

I evolved that day people . I evolved into a man with a conscience

Stand Up!!!

2006-07-16T23:00:00.000-04:00

For years people have said to me " Slish you talk too much. You always telling somebody' s business or sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong " Truth about it is. The business is always about something they shouldn't be doing in the first place. Problem with my personality is I can't watch someone do fucked up shit to someone else and just stand around or do nothing. Now the funny thing is Slish is always the one saying " Keep it to yourself don't get involved " The Slasher on the other hand will take action and Fight for Truth, Justice, and The American way.

Friday night Clipperman calls me while i'm at my part time job. Clipperman " Slish I bought the 60 gig Ipod. Still gonna be able to uplaod your playlist tonight? I look at the clock on the computer screen its says 9: oo pm I respond " Meet me in the Bronx at 10 pm " Clipperman sounding excited says " Thank you sir !!! " I finish up what I'm doing and head for the bx.

10:o6 pm I get to the Bronx and drive to the location where Clipperman stated he would be. I pull up to his van. He's in there chit chatting with his boy Drizzy. Drizzy says " What up gay boy. " I laugh, ignore his comment and respond " Can't call it. Haven't seen you in a while. Where you been ? " Drizzy responds" I 've been right here in the Bizonx just been laying low. Btw Slish whats with the no mustache. Looking like a circumcised penis." Clipperman busts out laughing. I respond "OOOh I see where this is going. Let me park my car." I get out, walk over to the van and rest my elbows on the drivers side window. " Drizzy you do realize that you used the word Gay and circumcised penis in back to back sentences. Clipperman starts to giggle cause he knows i'm warming up. Drizzy trying to make an exit says " Aiight fellas I gotta go. Waking up early in the morning" I say " Oh yeah for what? " Drizzy " Going to Va in the morning " Slasher responds " What for? " Drizzy " going to visit someone " THAT RIGHT THERE!!! Was the wrooooong answer. Slasher responds " You're going to see someone ? Not I'm going to see my family or I'm going to see some chick. YOU'RE GOING TO SEE SOMEONE!!! Clipperman starts the chuckle a little more. I say " Why be so secretive pretty boy. What you hidin! Drizzy responds " I'm going to see a chick." I look at clipperman and say " Riiight African!!! Drizzy " Aiight Slish I'm out " Clipperman and I start laughing real hard now I say " Aiight bruh Peace"

We're still laughing then Clipperman's cell phone starts to buzz. He looks at it. His smile turns into a frown. I laugh and say " Thats gotta be your lady." Clipperman nods and answers " Hello . No i'm with Slish and Drizzy . No i'm not avoiding you !! Cmooooon !! No i'm not up to anything !!! LOOK i'm with my people I will call you back ! " He hangs up " Slish she been driving me crazy all week!! I respond " Follow me back to my crib so we get these songs on your ipod I don't have time to hear any bullshit reason for her anger towards you tonight.

10 minutes later we're in my crib i'm downloading all my music files to his ipod. Clipperman cell phone starts to buzz again He sighs looks up at the ceiling and picks it up " Yes!! No i'm still with Slish and Drizzy " When he said that I turned around thinking why is he lying for no reason. We left drizzy 20 minutes ago. Clipperman continues " I am not avoiding you. Yes I know I haven't seen you since Sunday WHY!!! Cause i've been stressed and when i'm stressed I like to be alone " I laugh to myself because thats clipperman's favorite line to a woman when he's trickin " he hangs up " Slish I don't know why she's flippin like this. " I respond " I know why. She knows " Clipperman responds " Knows what? About me going to Cali this weekend with the chick I told you about " I respond " Yup " Clipperman's ignorant ass says " How could she know ? " I say " ASSHOLE ! They always know. She calling because she's annoyed at the fact that she does know but has no proof. Therfore she cannot accuse you of anything. So instead she'll find something else to nit pick about. Throw you off your game, causing you to get pissed, careless and BAM BUSTED!!!! " Clipperman laughs and responds " Slish you're giving her too much credit" I respond " See!! That right there is your problem. You think women are stupid. You can't just pick up and go to Cali with another woman for 4 days and expect your lady to sit at home and believe you're stressed and need time alone. She knows Nigga!!!! " Clipperman " Fuck it! I need to get away and this chick is paying for the whole damn thing! How could I say no to that ! " I respond " I hope you been doing tongue exercises " Clipperman looks puzzled " Why would I have to do tongue exercises? " Cause you're definitly licking some pussy this weekend. You were bought and paid for. Don't you feel cheap ? Clipperman starts laughing and responds " Whatever lets go to the diner and get something to eat"

Bloggers. Clipperman is my boy and I got love for him, but he's an Ass. My personality will not allow him to treat women this way. Now its not because i'm in love. I just feel that men like Clipperman can cause so much damage to a womans psyche that when a real man comes along with good intentions and real dreams. She's so wounded that she interprets his good nature as game. Therefore dismissing or pushing the poor guy away.

I'm calling out!!! To all the Brothas out there. Fuck this Guy Code we have about infidelity. No. You don't have to rat yo boy out, but you can help him see the error of his ways. Things are hard enough for Black folks already. We can't trust our white counterparts at all so why mistrust one another. Black women need Black men. SO STAND UP!!! Tell your boy who's married to hang out with you instead of that fat ass chick that works at his job. STAND UP!!! and tell your buddy to stop using you as an alibi when he's cheating on his lady. STAND UP! and STOP listening to their stories about extracurricular activities. It only encourages them. Its time to rebuild people. We can't do that if we're divided.

A Day To Remember

2006-07-10T03:03:00.001-04:00

Saturday 1pm I'm sitting at my computer downloading some new music. Chili's(TLC) new Joint Game Proof , Tamia's Too Grown For That and a few others I can't seem to remember right now. I open my mixmeister program and decide to add these slamming tracks to one of my Slish Mix's at Six. Before I knew it. It was 1:45pm SHIIIIT!!!! My boy Spankinazz is getting married TODAY!!! Let me get dressed before i'm late for this momentus occasion.

I hop in the shower. Scrub the dust off me. Put on an outfit that says " Who's That Nigga !!!" I leave my house and jump in the Batmobile. I look at the clock in the car. It says 2:45 pm. I'm running a little late so I call my sweetie and let her know. Barneys responds'' Papi we're going to be laaaate." I respond " Baby this is a west indian wedding. The invitation may say 3:30pm but they really mean 5 pm. Don't worry I'll be there shortly"

Arrive at Barneys apt at 3:15 pm. I go inside. DAMNNNNN !! They gone be some jealous bitches TONIGHT!!! I wipe the drool from my face and kiss my future . Barneys hands me a dress. I say " Whats this dress for" Barneys" Baby you didn't think I was going to wear the same thing to the reception " I shake my head, laugh and respond " Let me find out i'm in love with a diva. Okay J-lo lets roll " She pushes out her bottom lip, I give her a kiss and off we go "

Barneys and I get to the church at 3 :45 pm. As i'm driving by I see Spankinazz dressed in his tux walking down the block. I look over at Barneys and say " See that baby what I tell you. West indian wedding. Barneys giggles and responds " Whatever" I park the car and we head over to the church.

As the both of us walk over. I see that Spankinazz is still outside. I say " Yo B its not too late. I have a full tank of gas and a navigation system. If you're having cold feet say the word" Barneys slaps me on the arm " Baaaaby " I say " What!! I 'm just saying! Just in case !!! Spankinazz would do it for me ! " Barneys rolls her eyes and pushes me out of the way and shakes his hand Spankinazz smiles " Its nice to finally meet you " I say " So whats the hold up. Why is everyone standing outside" Spankinazz responds " West Indian wedding bruh. Bride is on her way" I say " Is it all right for us to go inside ? " Spankinazz responds " Unless you're a vampire I don't see why not " Barneys starts to laugh I respond " Punk ass. " We go inside the church.

5pm on the DOT! The bride has arrived! Music starts to play. The bridesmaids and groomsmen start to walk out. When they get to the middle of the Isle. Each groomsman spins the bridesmaid. Oh don't look at the screen side ways that was some fly shit. Flower girl is the last person to walk down the isle before the bride. The whole church gets quiet. John Legend's So High is what the bride has chosen to greet her future husband. Barneys and I stand with the rest of the guests as she walks down the isle. Something comes over me. My hand starts to move slowly down Barneys back making its way to the forbidden zone. I must have dozed off for a minute and let the Slasher take over. Barneys looks at him and whispers " Don't you dare grab my ass in this church" The Slasher gives her a devilish grin " Wait until we get home woman" Barneys giggles and changes the topic " Baby Spankinazz's bride looks so beautiful her dress is fantastic." I smile and respond " She does doesn't she "

The ceremony lasted about 40 minutes. During that time a family member recited a poem and in that poem she said Marriage is not natural but a culture. We as African Americans must empower our spouses due to the many challenges we face as a people. Spend less time arguing and more time strengthening the African American family structure. Without that we will become extinct. I grabbed Barneys hand real tight as those words were being said.

6: 35pm we get to the reception. Barneys and I head straight for the appetizers . I walk over to the gentleman slicing up some turkey and roast beef. The guests ahead of me are either choosing turkey or beef. Ofcourse when I get to him " Ummmm can I have both" Barneys starts shaking her and gives me the I can't take you anywhere look. We leave him. All of a sudden Barneys gets excited " Papa look. Moooooore" I look over to where my sweetie is pointing Whoa!! What a spread. Cheeses, Fruit, Stuffed mushrooms, eggplant, calamari and a whole bunch of other delicious goodies. Since Barneys and I are not ashamed WE DIG IN!!!

3 1/2 hrs later Barneys and I have stepped in the name of love, wined up our bodies to wait de now ah who dat ah come, and disco danced to ain't no stopping us now. We had so much fun. Too bad we had to leave a little early. As i'm walking out. I hug my sweetie and say " You make me look good" She responds " Baby thats my job" I look back at Spankinazz sitting at the main table. We make eye contact . I give him the thumbs up. He gives me a nod like " Thats right nigga you're next "

I look at Barneys and then head for the door thinking to myself I don't mind. I don't mind that at all.

Fear

2006-07-07T03:07:00.001-04:00

4th of July evening. Barneys and I are walking along the pier under the Triboro bridge in queens. We decide to stop and look at the fire works across the Hudson and watch the boats as they drift by. Barneys stands in front of me. I hug her from behind and gently kiss her on the left side of her neck. She closes her eyes, smiles, and hugs me tighter. " Baby" I respond " Yes Ma ? Barneys " Baaaaaby" I answer " Yes Ma ??? " Barneys says" Shawnla left a comment on your latest blog entry." I respond " Yeah I saw it, but she didn't say much " Barneys " I know baby, but can I ask you a question ? " I say " Anything " Barneys' If Shawnla was to call and say that she really does love you and wants you in her life. What would you do? How would that make you feel ?" I start thinking to myself THIS HAS TO BE A TRICK QUESTION. I say " Sweetheart ive already made my decision" I Bend down and squeeze her real tight. 20 minutes later we leave the pier, go home, and make some fireworks of our own.

July 5th 5pm I'm walking out of the building where they force me to work for pennies. My cell phone rings. I look at the caller id screen. It says anonymous caller. That could only be one person. Let me find out my sweetie is a witch !! I pick up " Hello " Shawnla says " Hi. Slish. How are you" I respond " I'm good and you. " Shawnla " I've been okay. Just keeping a low profile. Hey! I checked out your latest blog entry interesting story. I say " Oh really which part of the story did you find interesting. " Shawnla " The whole thing it was good. Sooooo Slish you getting married ? Okay its obvious this woman has been keeping tabs on me by reading my blog. I respond" No, but i'm in a good place right now. Love has caught up to me FINALLY " Shawnla " So you're back with your ex" I respond " Yes. Figured it was time for me to go home. "

Shawnla "Slish you watch that show girlfriends? " I respond " On occasion" Shawnla " You remember when Mya and Darnell got divorced. I respond " Vaguely" Shawnla" Anyway he meets another woman and decides to marry her. The day of the wedding Mya comes crashing through the church doors . Darnell looks at her and decides he doesn't love the woman he is about to marry but still in love with Mya. Leaving the bride at the alter" Here we go. I respond " You say that to say what Shawnla" Shawnla responds " I've had a revelation. I love you Slish. I've always loved you. I'm not telling you this to cause any confusion between you and Barneys. Its just that I was in such a dark place when you expressed how you felt about me. I was so scared " I say " First you could never cause me any confusion when it comes to my feelings for Barneys, I am where she is and she is where i'm at. You know me Shawnla. Once a woman has my heart no other exists. Shawnla says " Slish I know, but i'm not one to hide my feelings. I love you and if you were ever to express your love for me again. It would definitely be reciprocated" I respond " Thank you" Shawnla sighs " Well Slish with all that said i'll let you go. Goodbye." I respond " Bye Shawnla"

I stare at my cell phone and just shake my head thinking "Love conquers all Fear Shawnla. Love conquers all Fear."

Buttons Not To Push

2006-07-02T19:00:00.000-04:00

I've always believed that when you break up with someone. You break up! No phone calls the next day to see how the other person is doing, No leaving shit behind just to have an excuse to come back, No hanging out in places your significant other usually frequents just to catch a glimpse of them. When I break up with someone I'M DONE!!! I don't call, write, stalk, or beg for forgiveness. Come to think of it! Barneys is the only woman i've ever broken up with and called back. Any other woman who wanted to reconcile. Would have to call me. Don't get me wrong they don't have to grovel at my feet. I'm easy! Soon as they say " Slish i've missed you" I would respond " LETS GET BACK TOGETHER!!!"

Mid 90's my ex Butterscotch and I had a huge fight about absolutely NOTHING!!! Think I wanted to furnish our apt using credit and she wanted us to save for it. Looking back she was right. I could have been more patient but that woman knew how to push my buttons. So much that it might have caused me to have Slap a Bitch spasms. Without medication thats hard to control. Since I am allergic to steel bars and wearing the same shit everyday. I decided to break up with ButterScotch and move out.

For weeks I was in a funk. Everything I heard or saw reminded me of Butterscotch. To make matters worse Clipperman had intel about Butterscotch riding in her ex man's whip CHEESIN!!!! I was SICK when I heard that. But I never broke down and called her. My pride would not allow me to that. I'm Slish DAMMIT!!! ME RUN TINGS. TINGS NUH RUN ME!!!

About 4 months go by. I'm feeling like myself again. My swagger is back. Fondu, Phantom, Scavenger and myself plan a night of debauchery. First we would hit this hole in the wall spot where the most expensive drink was 3 dollars. Then we would head down to the Shadow nite club for some easy pickins. If a nucca couldn't pull a chick in that place! Mean't his mama breast fed his ass until he was 18!

We get to the Shadow and there is a long line Full of scantily clad women. I'm happier than a pedophile in a nursery school playground! As we're walking passed all the different flavors Fondu turns to me and says " Slish ! You see all this pussy out here. We need to get in pronto. I want first dibs on what ever comes through the door! If we wait out here on this line i'll miss out. Turn around and walk back to the front and do what you do." Unfortunately I happened to agree with him. So I turn around and head for the front of the line looking for a familiar face to cut in front of. Half way to the Club entrance I hear a female voice " Hey you" I turn to see who it is. SHIIIIT FUCK ! Butterscotch! I Look at her face. Then work my way down. She was dressed in a short tight black dress. Why is it when you break up with a woman and you see her again after a couple of months she looks 5 times better than when you left her. Slasher quickly grabs Butterscotch by the arms and pushes her off the line and into the corner of some dark store front. He caresses her sexy frame and slides his tongue between her lips. Butterscotch lets out a sigh when the Slasher finishes his assault. " Am I going to see you inside" Slasher responds " You'll more than just see me inside."

I walk back over to the crew. Slish has managed to get back into the drivers seat. I realize I can't go inside The Shadow if Butterscotch is going to be in there. I'll have a fit if I see some dude push up on her. I'll have a nervous break down if I see her give him a number. " Fellas I can't go in" Fondu responds "Why" I say " I just saw Butterscotch. It hasn't been enough time. If I see her talking to the next man I might act out. " Fondu " Fuck that!! You left her! Deal with it! I'm not passing up all this pussy just because you have FEELINGS." Phantom starts laughing and says " Slish don't worry. Its so big inside you probably won't see her. I respond " Probably right " Then I turn to Fondu " Think your girl is out doing the same thing you are right now ? His face gets tight, he turns around and doesn't respond

In front of the club now. Bouncer looks at us and says" You three guys can go in. Yo boy can't " he's pointing at me . I say " Why? What did I do ? Bouncer responds " Its not what you did its what you're wearing. This club has a strict no sleeveless shirts and sweater policy. I had on a sleeveless sweater. I say " Thats cool. I didn't want to go in anyway. Fondu gives me a screwfaced look. " Fuck you. You see all this ass!! I'm going in! Phantom says " Fondu didn't you just hear the man say Slish can't get it in." I say " Phantom its aiight. Fondu give me your car keys. I know a spot about 5 blocks from here that doesn't have a dress code. Some of my people are already there. " HELL NO! You are not driving Brandy! His semi brand new BMW. I respond " Okay. Then drop me off over there and the rest of you can come back. " Phantom says " Thats fair. Come on Fondu lets drop him off."

We're in Brandy now. Music is blasting. I'm in the front seat. Phantom and Scavenger are in the back. I look over at Fondu to see if he's still pissed. His eyebrows look like they're about to connect with the bridge of his nose. Then we make eye contact. He turns his radio down " You know what Slish! Why does everything always have to be about you ! " I turn around and look back at Phantom and Scavenger. Phantom gives me a I don't what the fuck he's talking about look. I respond " Excuse me. How is this about me ?" Fondu " You alwaaays get your way" This nigga is drunk. Ignore him Slish before he awakens the beast. Fondu continues " Even as kids you always had to have your own way. Your fucking SELFISH and I'm tired of it ! I hear myself say " Well its not like me to break tradition so shut the fuck up and just drive me where I need to go" Fondu SEE THAT!!! SEE THAT PHANTOM !! THIS NIGGA IS SELFISH! The beast is awake and he's still a bit tipsy from the 3 dollar a drink bar !

Slasher " I'm selfish ! Back in the day when Casey's brothers jumped your obnoxious ass. Who ran to your rescue and got lumped up right along with you, When you graduated from college and couldn't find a job for almost six months. You came wining to me. I made a phone call GOT YO ASS THE JOB YOU CURRENTLY HAVE TILL THIS VERY DAY! Phantom interjects " Slish chill !! " I continue" NO!! I'm not done! When your fat fuck of an exgirlfriend was sucking the life force from your body. Who noticed it and introduced you to that beautiful, buxom firecracker of a girlfriend you have right now ! Therefore making it easy for you to break up with that monster! You know what Nigga! The question you should really be asking yourself is WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT ME!! I made you!!!! You're my creation FRANKENSTEIN!! This fly whip, your Job and your girl aallllll belong to me ! Don't - You - Ever - Forget - That BITCH! Fondu presses the car breaks in the middle of traffic and says " GET OUT!!! Slasher responds " Fuck you. I'm not getting out!! Fondu pulls the car over to the side walk " GET OOOOUT!!! Slish manages to regain control and realizes what he said was out of line. I get out of the car figuring the both of us just needed a little time to cool off. I was mistaken because as soon as my foot hit the sidewalk Fondu was out ! Left me right there on the West Side Highway.

4:oo am I'm alseep in bed after finding my way home. My phone rings. I pick up " Hello " Butterscotch softly says " I thought I was going to see you in the club? I was looking forward to it. I've missed you " I say " I've missed you too. Baby lets get back together! "

What can I say ya'll. I'm easy.

Tagged by that chick over in Boston

2006-06-27T20:00:00.000-04:00

Dynasty don't do this again..lol Here goes...

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2006?

What kind of dumb ass question is that. I'm The JUGGERNAUGHT!!!!

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?

Dead end street in my car, behind a bowling alley in my car, in a park while in my car, in front of Barneys landlords front door. Broke the landlords chair too and heavy petting sessions in public restrooms. So to answer that question HELL YEAH !!!

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Yes. One time while giving my ex girlfriend Butter Scotch a Back Shot while both of us were standing. Danger climaxed. I got dizzy and my legs buckled. She looked back at me and said " Nigga hold on before you fall" . We both started laughing.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Almost. The Slasher was sticking it to this chick one night in the early 90's when Danger accidentally slipped out. Slasher rushes to put Danger back into that warm wet climate but he misses and rams Danger right into her pubic bone....HURT LIKE HELL!!!! That will make a nigga cry for sho!

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?

Truthfully I like to cuddle before sex. But thats just me.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?

Yes.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?

Do men really do that ? WHY? Even bad pussy is good pussy.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?

Dirty talk, Dirty slaps on the ass, hair pulling. One time during sex a chick slapped in my face while talking shit to me. I grabbed my face and said " OOOOOH yoooou biiiiitch. I LIKE IT!!!!! but don't do that shit again !

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX:

Who hasn't.

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Oh I remember Corporate was dating this chick. That woman was Fire!!!! Body was RIPE..She had Video Vixen Titties and Ass. I kept asking him how the sex was so I could fantasize about her. Don't remember if I jerked off...lol

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?

What do you mean ? One night stand as in never see or talk to the person again. Or have sex with someone only once and decide the both of you are better of remaining friends. If its the first one then my answer will have to be no. My personality will not allow me to do that.

12. HOW BOUT A 3-SOME?

Almost. One night about a year & 1/2 ago I was in a titty bar. This Dominican stripper dressed in a school girl outfit gave me a lap dance that almost made me nut in my pants. I pulled out the cash to hit her off. She saw how much money I had and whispered in my ear " Papi you can have me and my girl( as in her lesbian girlfriend) 200.00 for an hour. Wheres your car parked. Slasher wide awake now. Quickly starts counting his cash and says " LETS BOUNCE" Before I could head for the door my boy Matador pulls me to the side and says '' Sit yo ass down thats the Hennessy talking."

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?

Yeah !!!! How else are you going to learn new positions!!!!

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?

Yeah. I thought about having sex with a fat leggo beast chick so I wouldn't cum real fast. Back in the day I used to watch televison during sex as a distraction. Started making women angry. So I had to come up with a new strategy. Today I am the master of my domain

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKE?

Of course. Any man who hasn't. All I can say is THERAPY !!!

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRISING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?

That night with Hot Mama. When Danger decided to take a nap without telling me.

17. 19 Tried before but virgin pussy wasn't ready for DANGER!!! lol

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?

C mon. Do I really have to answer that. Ya'll know already.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT number 18 IS POSSIBLE?

I make it possible everytime I pour peach champagne over Barney's nekked body

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?

I'm always horny. Have to where tighty whities just to keep Danger in check!

21. WOULD U HAVE SEX WITH THE PERSON THAT POSTED THIS?

Shes a cute girl. I'm hoping R Mack will step his game up and allow me to live vicariously through him...lol

Save A Pretty Girl For Me The Finale

2006-06-26T00:23:00.000-04:00

Summer of 84. Here I am the man. The prettiest girl on my block was my girlfriend. Most of my crew was proud of me except for Fondu. He didn't expect my first girlfriend to be so pretty. Figured I would end up with a chick that looked like his bow legged leggo beast we nicknamed The Black Bandit. She was yuuuugly!!! I mean she was beyond dark skinned and had a wet jheri curl. Her only redeeming quality. She was cool as shit. Nothing phased her not even Fondu's obnoxious personality. Maybe thats what he saw in her.

Now I was real nervous about having a girlfriend. As you all know the only girl I ever kissed was my pillow and it didn't kiss back. What was I going to do ? Ask my boys for help ? Heeell no! I would be subjected to ridicule for months. I didn't want to kiss Casey, be horrible and she leave me for some other boy that was better. I needed to practice on another girl a willing participate who wouldn't tell. That summer Casey wasn't the only girl that liked me. Lips had been chasing me since spring, but she scared me. Everytime I saw her she would lick her lips and whisper real nasty things to me. Being inexperienced I knew if Lips ever got me behind closed doors. I would be found OUT!!! Cause she would definitely tell and make me a bigger herb than I already was, but that didn't matter to me. Would risk it. If it meant keeping Casey as my girl.

One day The crew was hanging out at Fondu's house. It was me, Phantom, his girl Cherry , Fondu, and Cherry's homegirl Lips. I was in Fondu's room playing Atari. Phantom was in the next room getting busy. Fondu probably downstairs trying to get Lips to forget about me. It didn't work because about a half an hour later she was standing in front of me licking her Lips asking " Slish don't you like me?" I say " I like you , but there is someone else I like more. " Lips responds " You mean that girl at the end of the block ? I say " How do you know that! Who told you? Lips responds " Fondu. He told me coming up here woud be a waste of time", Licking her lips and rubbing on her chest " Tell me Slish am I wasting my time " It took every bone in my body not to jump her ass right there and start practicing my kissing technique. I respond " Ye yes. " I decided then I would take my chances with Casey. If she really liked me. Not being able to kiss wouldn't matter.

For a whole month I would go to Casey's house, watch televison and just hold her hand. I was still too scared to kiss her. I could sense she was getting frustrated too. Then one night while doing my usual its 9 pm time for me to go home routine. Casey blocks her front door " Slish you're not leaving here until you kiss me! I say " But Casey I have to go. You know my daddy will whup my ass if I come into the house past curfew. " Casey " Slish all you have to do is kiss me and I'll let you leave. Don't you want to ? " I looked in Casey's light brown eyes. I wanted soooo badly to kiss her , but my mind was telling me no. So I tried to push passed her but she wasn't having it. Casey grabs my head and pulls my face closer to hers. Our lips touch! She starts to suck on them. I'm thinking to myself this isn't so bad. I can do this! Then Casey opens her mouth ! Whats This ? I'm not prepared ! Do something Slish ! I open my mouth too. Casey's tongue reaches out to mine. I meet it half way. Our tongues start to dance like they've been taking tango lessons. We were so caught up in our dance session . That we didn't notice her front door opening . Coming in from behind it was Casey's Daddy!!!! I push her off me immediately !!!! Casey's Daddy says " Whats going on here!!!! I respond " N N Nothing sir I was just leaving !

For most of the summer all Casey and I did was kiss. I got real good at it too. One night I stepped it up a notch and brought Casey over to my house while my parents were asleep. When I did it I made sure The Crew saw me. Mistake Mistake Mistaaaake!!!!! Fondu was with them! He shouts out " WHOO HOOO AIIGHT SLISH GET THAT PUSSY!" Oh Shit!!!! Casey whispers " Did he just say what I think he said " DAMN DAMN DAMN Casey " Take me home Slish. I don't feel comfortable here. " SHIT SHIIIT !!! He's going to pay for that! I take Casey home, walk over to where the crew is, grab Fondu by the neck and throw him on the concrete HEAD FIRST!!!! I say " WHY! WHY! Do I do things like that to you when The Black Bandit is in your house! Fondu " GET THE FUCK OFF ME! " I let go of him . Fondu gets up off of the floor, wipes the dirt off his face. Phantom laughs and says " Slish just whupped yo ass. Bet you won't do that dumb shit again ." The Crew starts laughing . Fondu gets pissed and leaves.

Summer is over. The School year begins. I'm in my sophomore year. Casey is in her freshman year at a different High School. As the months went by I noticed Casey was becoming a little distant. I figured it was probably the stress of her being in a new school. Wasn't that at all. Casey was a very pretty girl and pretty girls get a lot of attention from other guys. The extra attention caused Casey to question her feelings for me. Looking back now I can understand, but you try telling a 15 year old boy in love that his girlfriend might want to date other guys. Casey "Slish I care about you but we're still young and i'm getting all this attention I don't know what to do" I say " You want to go out with someone else?" Casey " No, yes , no I don't know! I'm confused Slish and I don't want to hurt you." I say " Its too late for that Casey." I leave her house. Later that night Casey and I broke up over the phone. We were never a couple again.

Casey and I never lost touch. We've remained friends for the past 23 years. I can say with confidence she is my best friend, but like always all good things must come to an end because Barneys has quickly taken her place. I'm sure Casey wouldn't mind that at all.

Save A Pretty Girl For Me.

2006-06-21T03:40:00.000-04:00

When I was a teenager I was terrified of approaching a girl I had a crush on. I would just wait around and hope she noticed . Joke was on me because some other guy would always have the courage I didn't and get the girl. So every night before I went to bed I would pray. " God? Please save a pretty girl for me."

The summer of 1983. I new family had moved onto my block. One day while coming back from the candy store. I passed the family's house. As I'm walking passed their drive way. I see an angel. I swear everything started to move in slow motion. She turns her head and looks at me. I look back. Her hazel eyes had me hypnotized. All of a sudden my heart started to beat really fast, my feet had stopped moving and my palms got all sweaty. Then my boy Chubbs peeps his head out from her door to see what she's looking at. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! God I thought you were saving a pretty girl for me! Chubbs " Slish come in here. I want you to meet my new friend Casey" I say " New friend ! You mean as in girlfriend ? Chubbs smiles and says " No, but i'm working on it" Casey gives Chubbs an annoyed look then turns around and shakes my hand. I felt a little woozy but kept my composure. I welcomed her to the neighborhood and excused myself quickly.

As i'm walking away I feel this tingle in my belly. It was the first time it had ever happened. Come to find out it wouldn't be the last. Everytime I saw Casey come home from school, walk to the store , or play outside with her brothers. My stomach would tingle. I wanted and needed to get close to her, but whenever she was in my presence the words would never leave my lips. Then I got an idea! Befriend her brothers! They will invite me into their house and get me closer to my goal.

Six months went by and my plan was working. I was constantly at Casey's house hanging out with her brothers. We made eye contact often but I never made a move. I was hoping she would say something but she never did. But I was confident that a higher power had saved this pretty girl for me. So I waited and waited and waited and NOTHING!!!! Okay God are you playing a cruel joke on me. Why haven' t you made Casey my girlfriend! What are you waiting for!

I was getting frustrated. I started kissing my pillow at night pretending it was Casey. My older brother CJ caught me once " Slish what are doing" I say " Practicing" CJ laughing " For what ? I respond " I'm practicing for when I get the chance to finally kiss a girl." CJ still laughing " What girl ? I say " The new girl who lives across the street" CJ" Slishy its not your time. If it was. You would know what to do and say" I'm even more frustrated now and respond " When CJ! When will it be my time! " CJ " When you're able to tell that girl how you feel without any hesitation" I put the pillow over my head because I knew that was not going to happen any time soon. Some other guy was going to come and steal my potential girlfriend away from me.

Summer of 84 came around. I was still admiring Casey from a far. I watched guy after guy vie for her affection, but she never gave them the time of day. It was like she was waiting for something better to come along. Deep down I hoped that something better was me. Then one day I was walking to the candy store and I see Casey sitting on her porch with her sister Jugs . Jugs " Slish come over here Casey wants to talk to you." OH HELL!!!! I slowly walk across the street. Casey walks down her steps and meets me in front of her drive way " I sheepishly say " Hi" Casey smiles and says" Hi Slish. I want you to sign my graduation book. WHAT!!!! Back then if a girl wanted you to sign her graduation book and you didn't go to her school meant SHE LIKED YOU!!! WAIT!!! SHE LIKES ME!!!! SHE LIKES ME!!!! Okay breath Slish, take the book from her hand and act real keeewwl " It would be my honor, but I have to run to the store can I write in it when I come back" Casey says " Take the book with you. I'll wait here. "

I calmly walk around the block and out of Casey's sight. YEEEEEES!!!!!! I run to the candy store. When I get there I see Phantom and Fondu playing video games. " Fellas guess who gave me their graduation book to sign" Fondu looks up at me then back at the video game and responds " Who." I say " CASEY!" Fondu stops playing " You mean Casey with the pretty brown eyes and nice ass CASEY! " I respond " YEAH!!!! Fondu" Your lying ! Gimme that book ! " he looks at it and his eyes light up! I grab the book back and say " I don't know what to write! Fondu" Give me that ! Your soft ass is going to write something corny and mess up your chances. I'll take care of this. I say " What are going to write " Fondu's usual response " Don't you worry about that. "

When Fondu was done. I was so excited didn't even read what he wrote . I ran back to the block and Casey was waiting for me on her porch. I gave the graduation book back to her and quickly excused myself. Didn't want to be there when she read it. No telling what that AFRICAN wrote .

Later that evening the phone in my house is ringing. My mother gets to it before I do. "SLIIIIIISHY telephone. " I pick up '"Hello" Voice says" Hi Slish " I say " Who's this? Voice responds " Its me Casey" YES YES YEEEES! Wait a minute! How did she get my number I never gave her my number! I respond " H How did you get my number? Casey " You wrote it in my book along with that beautiful poem asking me to be your girlfriend" WHOA!!!!! I'm Shook now! What the hell did Fondu write!!! Never mind that! Who cares !Slish its your time! I say " Weeeell will you. Be my girlfriend " Casey responds " Slish do you know how long i've been waiting for you to ask me that. Ofcourse I'll be your girl" I must have blacked out cause I don't remember the rest of that conversation.

That summer I was the man! Casey was my girl. Fondu hated me for it and God had finally answered my prayers.

Has Anyone Seen This Man !

2006-06-18T14:30:00.000-04:00

That stunt Dough Boy pulled last week Saturday bugged the shit out of me. I didn't know how much until he called me at work on Weds.

Dough Boy " Whats good Slish" I respond " Before this convo goes any further I want to let you know. What you did last week Saturday to Corporate and me was not cool." Dough Boy " You and Corporate need to grow up. Its not like Harlem Nites is wifey, that shit between him and Supa Dad happened years ago and Corporate was wrong for doing it. " I'm annoyed at the fact this African is so fucking dense! I respond " DOUGH BOY! Harlem Nites is still a person and my friend. Supa Dad and Corporate have already resolved that issue. Don't bring that shit up in public again! Dough Boy " You and Corporate are acting like a bunch of bitches. " Slasher responds " CHECK THIS OUT!!! Mention those two topics in public again YOU and I will have a problem!!! Dough Boy calmly responds " Slish you're not scaring me " Slasher " Aiight AFRICAN!!! You heard me!!!! Click!!!!!

5:00 am Saturday Morning. I'm caressing a specific part of my sweeties anatomy. My cell phone starts ringing. Barney moans, looks at the clock and says " Sweetheart who's calling you at 5:00 am " I continue caressing that body part and respond " Hell if I know" I reach for my phone and look at the screen . Its Dough Boy. Fuck him! I put the phone back on the dresser and get back to the business at hand.

An hour later Barneys has just finished whispering " Cojelo Papi Slish, eso es tuyo " My cell phone rings again. I reach for it, look at the screen ITS DOUGH BOY AGAIN!!! Wtf could this cat want this early in the morning! I answer " Hello " A female voice responds " Slish this is Dough Boys wife. I'm sorry to wake you so early in the morning, but Dough Boy didn't come home last night. Was he with you? I respond " No. Haven't heard from him in a couple of days" Mrs Dough Boy " Well this isn't like him not to call. I'm worried." I respond " I'll make a few calls and see if I can track him down. " Mrs Dough Boy " Okay Slish thank you" I hang up

Barneys " Baby who was that? " I respond " Dough Boys wife. He didn't come home last night" Barneys " Where do you think he might be?" I rub my head and respond " I don't know. Just hope he's not doing what I think he's doing" Barneys " Hmph" Then lays her head on my chest.

Where the fuck could this man be aallll night. I mean he just got married and he's hitting the streets like that!!! This is some disrespectful shit. I wonder ? Did Dough Boy marry this woman for some underhanded reason and his dissapearing act is a manifestation of his true feelings for her. If thats the case. Mrs Dough Boy has been bamboozled into marrying a man who does not respect her.

10:30 am Corporate calls me " Slish I just called Dough Boys home phone and his wife told me she hasn't heard from him all night" I respond " Yeah man. You know where he might be ?" Corporate " I have no idea but I hope this isn't serious" I say " I'll keep calling around to see if I find him" Corporate " Aiight talk to you later"

I call Mrs Dough Boy back " Mrs Dough Boy. When last did you speak to Dough Boy" She responds " Yesterday morning " I say " Did the both of you have an argument" Mrs Dough Boy " No. I'm worried Slish this isn't like him " I respond " Maybe he's at work I'll call him there" Mrs Dough Boy " I already called. His voice mail picked up" I'm scratching my head cause now i'm worried. All of a sudden this wave of guilt overcomes me because the last time Dough Boy and I spoke it wasn't pleasant.

I dial Clipperman's number. He picks up " Whats up Slishy" I say " Yo I think Dough Boy is missing. His wife called me this morning and said he didn' t come home last night" Clipperman " He'll turn up" I say " How do you know that?" Clipperman " I just know" I say " You know where he might be ? " Clipperman " Weelll I know he had a jump off in White Plains" I respond " Think he might be there? Clipperman " Who knows. Slish Didn't I tell you this would happen. Dough Boy's marriage is a joke " I respond " It might be, but his wife doesn't know that. So until that time comes we will respect their union " Clipperman " If you say so . I gotta go. Call me when you find him"

1 pm my cell phone rings. I look at the screen and see that its Dough Boys number. I pick up. Dough Boy " Whats up Slish " I sigh with relief and respond " AFRICAN!!! Where you been ? " Dough Boy " I was at the Harlem Apt" Dough Boy and his wife still have the apts they lived in before they got married. Why they haven't given up one of them up. Remains a mystery to me. I respond " You okay. Why didn't you tell your wife where you were? " Dough Boy " I called her but something must be wrong with her cell phone because I wasn't able to get through" I start to smell something OH WAIT WAIT!! must be the BULLSHIT coming out of Dough Boys mouth. I respond " Well at least your okay" Dough Boy" Thanks for the concern. I respond " No problem I'll talk to you later "

Why do I get the feeling Dough Boys situation is about to get really complicated.

I need a Jump start

2006-06-14T01:45:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer Please READ!!!

This Story Happened waaay before I met my Sweetie Barneys

One Friday afternoon last year I got a phone call from Hot Mama. Brief history. I met Hot Mama about 2 weeks after I broke up with my girlfriend The Bugger sooooo that would be Feb of 2004 . Physical description age 33, 5'5, brown complexion, perky upper body and a whole lot of energy. I had been chasing that woman on and off for about a year. Why was it taking me so long? Well. Hot Mama had two kids!!! Making it very hard to plan any kind of romantic outing. But despite those obstacles we managed to maintain somewhat of a platonic relationship.

We made plans to get together on a Saturday. Hot Mama lives in Peekskill. Since that is quite a hike for me we usually meet at the Cross County Mall in Yonkers. She parks her car there and I drive to whatever spot I think might get me closer to my goal. Tonight I decide to go back to where it all began The G-bar. Our first date was there.

We walk in. The Slasher is in full effect and knows exactly where to sit. Lounge area couch by the door side by side. I think to myself "this will get me closer to my goal" Hot Mama's usual drink of choice is white wine, but white wine is not going to get me closer to my goal. I decide to take control because tonight DAMMIT is MY NIGHT!!!!!. I suggest the Mojito. Sweet but lethal. Two of those and everything coming out of my mouth will sound like poetry. I'm evil I know. But desperate times calls for desperate measures.

An hour goes by and my plan seems to be working. I'm flowin , my jokes are on point, and i'm gently caressing parts of her anatomy. Letting her know that tonight is MY NIGHT!!!! I go to the bartender to settle up my tab. Walk back over to Hot Mama and ask " What would you like to do next " not to be transparent I suggest we go to a comedy show. She says " No. We can go to your place" Oh shit!!! Did she say what I think she said! Mind you I have tried this formula on hot mama many many times before and she would just BRUSH HER SHOULDERS OFF !!!.

We leave. On the drive to my place. I remember that my place is not really my place. My aunt owns the house and I reside in her basement apt rent free. The conditions were that I could not have any overnight guests. My aunt thinks i'm a manwhore therefore this little rule was set into place to curtail my activities. But tonight was MY NIGHT!!! Fuck the rules.

We're in my humble space now. I keep the lights out cause I know its a messy world I live in. I go to the bathroom. Come back out. Her sandals are off and she is on my couch looking like okay nigga whatcha gonna do now!!! I think to myself " Its time to make the donuts! " The heavy petting and breathing begins. We tussle for a while . I do somethings to her she doesn't do anything to me. We get down to injection time and my needle decides to have a malfunction. Not once but twice. I think to myself " Why is this happening!!!!! This must be a sign, Can't get lucky two nights in a row Slish, remember Harlem Nites had her legs wrapped around your back the night before. Typical R kelly moment but in reverse. My Mind was tellling Yes!! but my Body was telling me NO!!!

Hot Mama gets dressed but she doesn't seem upset. I apologize for not rising to the occasion. She responds with that typical female response "Its okay sometimes those things happen" SOMEBODY JUST KNOCK ME THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW!!!! is what I was thinking.

I drive her back to her ride. We kiss each other good bye. As soon as she gets into her car I call my boy Corporate America. I tell him what happened. He says "Well look at the bright side" then he pauses and says " There is none!!! " and starts laughing.

What lesson did I learn people? Never call your boys for emotional support they'll let you down everytime.

Young Jedi

2006-06-13T02:00:00.000-04:00

Hey Bloggers. Its been a year since I've been doing this tell my business to the Cyber Space community. I must admit I'm glad I did it. I have learned, laughed, and empathized with so many of you. So this week I'm going to give you the best of Slish. There are some folks out there that have already read these stories. All I can say is READ EM AGAIN!!!

I take pride in my understanding of the opposite sex. I've always been able to anticipate their wants, needs, & desires. Why I am still single then ? Well. I never said I understood myself. Without knowledge of self its hard to maintain relationships.

Now my knowledge of the opposite sex was not some innate ability I developed over the years. It was taught to me by my best friend. The Phantom. His super power. The ability to see you without you seeing him.

My training began in the summer of 1993. We both shared an apt in the Bronx. His rule was " Slish while your living here with me your going to have to check that nice guy shit at the door. I don't need you fucking up my flow. So my training began. It started with simple stuff like

1. Never call a woman the day after you get her number shows desperation.

2. Don't do too much extra shit early ex Flowers, candy, plays. WHY? When you f#$%K up you would have already run out of tricks to make up for it .

3. Always tell the truth. Why ? So when shit hits the fan she can't call you a liar. Women seem to loooove that word.

4. Leave all incriminating evidence out in the open. Women never look for the obvious.

5. Never ever ever ever ever Lie on your dick. Its bad Karma. Can cause impotence.

6. If you're going to cheat. Your side chick should never come before your Girlfriend. ex You have a date with yo side chick and wifey calls you. Go see WIFEY!!! Brothas get caught when they get greedy.

7. Never introduce your girlfriend to your boys girl. WORLDS COLLIDE!!! They will conspire against the both of you or compare notes. Ex "Slish took you to a play and SHOPPING!!! " Yo Boys girl " WHY YOU NEVER TAKE ME TO A PLAY OR BUY ME NICE JEWELRY LIKE SLISH!!!!

8. If your stepping out to do some dirt. Call Wifey first. Make sure you tell her all the things she needs to hear. Most likely she'll be too caught up in " MY MAN LOVES ME thoughts to bother calling you back to check up on ya. ( You ladies might be looking at me sideways right now but believe me that shit used to work.)

With this new found knowledge Mr Slish was born. Now there were a few hit & misses at first but I was a quick study . I made my teacher proud. Before you knew it we became legends amongst our peers . Our Motto " Nuh Bwoy Test Me Nuh Pussy Brush Gainst Mi" Lay man's terms " We don't take no shit and a strangers lady is not safe in our company".

Over the years this system was modified and I took it upon myself to take on a few pupils. One of them I am very proud of is Boogie Baby. I met Boogie Baby in 98 he was a local Dj in need of some business cards. I referred him to one of my boys. Thats how our friendship began. During our interaction I thought to myself this is one cool brotha. Dependable, Loyal, always in a good mood. I must know at least one sista he could get with. So I started bringing him to my usual haunts. To my surprise the fish weren't biting. Consensus. " Yo Boy has no flavor " Thats when I heard The Phantoms voice " You must train him Slish. The force is strong in this one " Boogie Baby's training began shortly after.

It was tough at first. Since he was a dj he had this strong hip hop personality. Nikey's top ten, Phat Farm & Sean John. Nothing wrong with those labels but if you want to stand out from the rest. You can't wear someone elses name on your chest. A couple of trips to Banana Republic, Armani Exchange & Kenneth Cole. Boogie baby was a new man and the ladies noticed ( Well just the ones that didn't know him before the make over).

A few years go by Boogie Baby is no longer a Dj. He traded his turntables in for a laptop. Thats right he evolved into a computer engineer.( Microsoft certified). Making good money and living in a condo in money earnin Mt. Vernon. Around 2004 at my movie shoot. ( Don't ask thats another story) Boogie baby is introduced to this vanilla sista. A show stopper at that. Truth be told. I didn't think he had a chance. But with my training and guidance. He pulled off the biggest upset of 2004 . Clipperman didn't even see it coming. He was also in heavy pursuit of this prize.

The relationship started out hot and heavy. Already Boogie Baby broke rule number two of the Phantom Commandments. Why? Pretty face, nice body can cause brain damage. 6 Months in he's in love & Show Stopper loved him back. But when an average guy dates a pretty woman. His mind can play tricks on him. All of a sudden every guy she knows is a threat, A night out with her girls is unacceptable, & your boys become a distant memory cause you spend most of your time with her making sure no one else can steal your prize. Big Mistake . Recipe for Disaster.

To make a long story short. They broke up about a year ago. I haven't heard from my boy since. Probably blames me for it. I've reached out to him several times. He doesn't return my calls. If your reading this bruh. Call me . Don't want to lose you as a friend. Lifes too short.

Fight Night

2006-06-11T18:00:00.000-04:00

Saturday fellas got together at Supa Dads house for the Antonio Tarver and Bernard Hopkins showdown. In attendance was Clipperman, Lexus, Dough boy, Clark Kent, Corporate and yours truly Grand Master Slish.

The fight was fantastic! Bernard Hopkins not only whupped Tarvers ass but he showed him what real boxing is all about. You see Tarver's whole career was defined by him beating Roy Jones Jr so critics figured he would fight Hopkins the same way. Only thing Roy Jones is an offensive fighter not a defensive one making it easy for Tarver to hit him with his awkward Jab. Hopkins is a defensive fighter and he can take a punch. Every punch Tarver connected with Hopkins made him pay for it . Connecting with 2-3 power shots of his own. By the end of the fight Tarver's left eye was swollen and his ego deflated. Bernard Hopkins gets to retire as a legend and Tarver gets to go home and figure out who his next pay day is going to be.

After the fight we all stuck around and chilled for a bit. Corporate is telling Clipperman about the time me and my ex Butterscotch had I big fight. Corporate " So Clipperman. Slish calls and tells me to come to his apt. I get there and this cat meets me at the the door with a plastic bag full of his clothes. As we're walking out the apt building Butterscotch yells out the window to Slish " I hope you die muthafucka!!!!" Now mind you Clipperman I'm holding this africans shit and trying not to laugh then Slish yells back " I HOPE I DIE TOO BIIIIITCH! SO I CAN COME BACK AS A GHOST AND TORMENT YOU WHILE YOU'RE FUCKING THE NEXT NIGGA!!! Yo Cipperman! I almost pissed my pants " Clipperman says " Slish that really happen? I respond " Don't listen to that fool. Corporate has had brain damage since La Bonita broke up with him five years ago"

Corporate goes into Supa Dads living room. Clipperman and I stay behind. Clipperman says " You know you're next " I respond " Next for what? " Clipperman responds" Next to get married. Your light is on Kid" I say " There you go with that bullshit again." Clipperman " I can see it. The way you talk about ole girl. You next son. " I changed the topic cause I don't want to jinx my future.

I say " Clipperman where you headed after this? " He rolls is eyes and responds" Gotta go out to Staten Island " I respond " I thought you broke up with her. Clipperman" I did. Then I didn't. Then I did again. Slish its just a horrible cycle. She beefing about me being her with you guys right now! I look at him strangely and say " Why? Clipperman " I originally invited her to come, but when I found out no women would be here I called and told her she couldn't come " I respond " You don't get it do you. You're not supposed to invite a woman out then tell her she can't come. What you should have done was inform her that no ladies would be present giving her the choice to decline on her own. Instead you took the choice away from her. Thats why she's mad. Clipperman you need to learn how to translate what women are saying or else you are going to continue to have problems. Women never say what they really mean. If they did. They would get along with one another" Clipperman man rubbing his head like I dropped a dictionary in his lap.

We're all in The living room now. I say to Dough Boy " Yo its almost time for us to go" Dough Boy " Why. You in a rush to go see our ho Harlem Nights." Then he elbows Corporate in the side " You know me and this nigga slept with the same chick" On the inside i'm heated cause there was no reason for him to bring that up. I respond " For the record I tapped it first and from what Harlem Nights told me YO DICK WAS NEVER IN THE PUSSY!!! But since you hadn't had any ass in so long you couldn't tell the difference. Dough Boy " Thats bullshit. I got the ass Son" I say " Yeah you got the ass alright ASS CHEEKS!!! Dumb muthafucka couldn't even tell if his dick was in the pussy. " The whole room starts laughing. Dough Boy tries to divert the attention away from himself and pulls a bitch move and says " What about when Corporate made one of Supa Dad's exgirlfriends his lady" The whole room got quiet. Corporate looks at dough boy like he's going to DROP KICK HIS JUGULAR ! Then Corporate looks around the room to see if Supa Dad heard. Although Supa Dad knows. Its a very sensitive topic we try not to discuss.

I say "Dough Boy WTF is the matter with you. Why you bringing that up now. What does that have to do with anything we've discussed here tonight" Dough Boy shrugging " I'm just saying its the truth. Why be ashamed of it. I say " You're an ass and you're DEFINETLY not ashamed of that!! I look at Corporate and see in his eyes that Dough Boy is going to pay for that shit.

Supa Dad's wife comes home shortly after . We take that as our cue to leave. On the ride Home i'm thinking to myself. Imagine if it had been women having that conversation.

My day started out like this.

2006-06-08T19:30:00.000-04:00

I wake up, look over at my sweetie and give her a warm kiss on her angelic face. The Slasher isn't satisfied so he inches his way down to her left ass cheek and kisses it gently. Barneys whispers " Sweetie quit it. Don't be starting nothing . You're going to be late for work." Now I'm caressing both ass cheeks. Slasher whispers " Let me stick my tongue where it belongs " Barneys giggles and pushes my head away and responds " You're going to be late, besides I still haven't recovered from last night " I mentally pat my self on the back. CAUSE I PUT IN WORK!!!! I think Papi is my new name. Might change it legally. Slish Papi ? Papi Slish ?

8:37 am I get to work early and stop in Mcdonalds. I order my food from this nasty Jamaican cashier. I swear Jamaicans should never work in customer service. Cashier " Wha yuh want" I respond " 2 hash browns" she walks away " Excuse me i'm not done " Cashier sucks her teeth and turns around " I would also like a medium orange juice" Cashier " Why yuh neva seh dat when mi ask yu wha yuh want" Since i'm in a good place this morning I ignore her and think about how good Papi Slish is going to sound once I legally change it. Cashier hands me my food I smile and say " Have a wonderful day" Cashier rolls her eyes

I get to my office, say good morning to my coworkers and sit down at my desk. Radio station is playing that stupid Ne-Yo song When You're Mad. DAMN I hate that song! Who the fuck wants to make a black woman angry on purpose!

My desk Is full of cases. I don't know where to start. So I pick up my new cases first and head upstairs to the 5th floor so I can check if they have any medical insurance. I'm standing in front of the computer running social security numbers while doing that dance Roger From Whats Happening used to do. My Coworker Big Momma " Booooy that little white girl you got over there in queens must have put it on you last night!!! Over there dancing like you gone and lost yo mind" I laugh and respond " Why you always in my business old woman and she's not white she's Dominican. Big Momma " White, Spanish, Asian they all the same to me ! " BOTTOMLINE SHE AIN' T BLACK! I say " You going to hell for that comment" Big Momma " Gladly. Yo ass need to find your self a nice black woman like me! I respond " You mean like you used to be" I start laughing and run out of the room before Big Momma got the chance to slap the shit out of me.

Back in my office now. I start chit chatting with my coworker Gabby about infidelity. " I say cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend is bad karma " Gabby responds " Slish thats bullshit" I say " No it isn't. A Month ago you traveled to west bubbafuck Ohio to get with some dude you met while you were on vacation with your boyfriend" Gabby " Yeeeeeah.Your point? " I continue " Did he or did he not. Allow you to suck his dick and other areas I rather not mention " Gabby " Yeeeah" I continue " Did he or did he not! Abandon you in the the middle of nowhere! When you refused to give him the pussy! Her head drops " My point exactly! BAD KARMA! I'm done here. Time for lunch.

Bloggers I got into all of that before 1pm. LOL....

The Black Man's Survival Guide

2006-06-04T23:30:00.000-04:00

1988 The drug game in the Bronx had taken a wicked turn. Jamaican drug dealers hit the scene and were unruly. NYPD was not used to getting shot at when they announced " FREEZE!!!!PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND DON'T MOVE!!!! You see in Jamaica. The police don't do that. They shoot first and ask questions later. So NYPD announcing themselves to a YARD MAN! was a joke. Their response to that ! " Im just seh put mi hands dem inna di air? Dis man is a rasss idioooot !!! I gone shoot im rass " Not only was NYPD jumpy but they were running scared. The Jamaicans had The Bronx under siege.

One night Clipperman and I traveled to the Bronx to get the New Edition concert tickets my buddy O North had purchased for us. He lived right across the street from Edenwald Projects. A place no one wanted to be late at night. Especially since The Jamaicans not only shot at police, but their american counterparts as well.

We arrive at O North's house at 8pm. My car radio was blasting at the time so when I got out the gunfire coming from the projects caught me off guard. I knock on the passenger side window and say to Clipperman " You hear that!!! Clipperman responds " Hear what. The firecrackers coming from the projects? I respond " You see. This is why you should NEVER travel around the Bronx without me! THATS GUNFIRE YOU IDIOT!!! O North comes running out of the house " Slish lets make this quick . You hear that shit going on across the street! As I'm reaching into my back pocket I see this dude run from inside the projects. He crosses the street to where O North, Clipperman and myself are. He runs by us, tosses a gun into the bushes next to O North's house and takes off running TOP SPEED!! O North says " OH SHIT!!! Slish did you see that! I respond " Take this money so Clipperman and I can get the hell out of this warzone" I hand O North the money I owed him for the tickets. He then gives me an envelope. Before I could turn around and get into my car I hear FREEZE! EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND DON'T MOVE !!!

I turn around to see 8 police officers had surrounded us. "EVERYONE KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM" These officers looked real jumpy. They're hands shook as they pointed shot guns and various automatic weaponry. O North quickly obliged, Clipperman has this OH LAAAAWD look on his face, and me " WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!!!! WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! THE MUTHAFUCKA YOU'RE LOOKING FOR JUST RAN THAT WAY!!!! Officer" PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!!! I respond " THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT YOU PUNK MUTHAFUCKAS TO AFRAID TO GO BACK INTO THE PROJECTS BECAUSE THATS WHERE THE REAL GUNFIRE IS COMING FROM!!! O North " Slish! Shut up! You trying to get us killed. Those are real guns they have pointed at us! This ain't the time to be a civil rights activist!

One of the Officers walks over and orders me to open the trunk of my car. I respond " Nope. For what ? O North " Slish! Open the trunk ! I comply. The Officer looks around and finds nothing. I say " NO GUNS OR DRUGS!!!! You're wasting your time here! Then the Officers get a call on their radios that they should be where the gunfire is coming from. THE PROJECTS !!!! They get in their Police van and leave.

O North and Clipperman verbally assault me for about 5 minutes. O North goes inside his house, Clipperman and I get into my car and head back to where gunfire is damn near non existent.

11 years later Feb 4th 1999 another brotha was faced with the same situation. He wasn't as lucky as I was. What caused him to die and not me. Well. Although I was talking all that shit. My hands never left the air. They were positioned where the Police could see them. The black man's survival manual says so on page one. Too bad no one showed Amadou that book.

Can't Stop Won't Stop

2006-06-02T02:00:00.000-04:00

I was reading Phoenix's latest blog entry about her High School Crush" She mentioned in the blog that they reconnected at a party. Well folks that party was organized by yours truly. What Pheonix didn 't know was that party was history in the making.

1997 my boy Matador, Monie Luv and myself started a little side hustle promoting parties once a month. It was going really well until we had an event at one of our regular venues. The capacity of the club was 350. Our dumb asses sold about 200 hundred tickets. The night of the party we were also taking money at the door. Word on the street was that U.S.C(Uptown Saga Continues) was on the come up and this particular party was going to be FYAAAAAAAH!!!!! Therefore people without tickets showed up early. Biiig mistake. We ended up filling the club to full capacity causing ticket holders who arrived late a nice cozy spot standing outside of the club. Friends and Fam can I tell you ! ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!! I got cussed out, threatened, pussy promised to me was taken away and my close friends vowed never to come to another event hosted by SLISH. I couldn't show my face in the hood for months! Especially at Clippermans Barber shop. Rumor was The Local Thugs who bought tickets wanted their money back. What was I going to do! Give them the new leather jacket I was wearing !!!!

Few months later. Matador calls me " Yo Slish. You get an invite to our ten year High School reunion? I respond " Yeah but i'm not going to that Cracker Party" Matador laughing " I know what you mean cousin. I know what you mean. So you come up with any ideas on how we're going to redeem ourselves from that last party . People are still salty." I respond " The only idea I could come up with is to find a bigger venue and give the people who lost their money complimentery tickets. " Matador starts laughing " Slish thats a lot of people. Monie luv is not gonna endorse that. You know how money hungry she is. Come up with a new plan" I respond " How about we go by that spot your always talking about and see if they'll let us have our next party there" Matador " You mean The Carib ? " I say " yeah " Matador responds " I'm on it "

A week later Matador sets up a meeting with the Club Owner. We're looking around the place and discover its waaay bigger than we thought. Matador whispers to me as the owner is showing us around " Slish this place is too big. We can't possibly fill it up by ourselves" I say " Your right and we won't have to" Matador gives me this puzzled look. Then the Owner turns to us and says " Fellas what do you think . Want to book the club or not. " I respond " Hell yeah!" Matador looks at me like I just put my lips on his girlfriends titty. Owner responds " What night do you want " Before Matador can respond I say "Thanksgiving " Matador looks at me like I stabbed his mama, pulls me to the side and says " Nigga are you crazy!!! First of all we can't fill this place up by ourselves. Second!!! The last time someone had a party on Thanksgiving ( That would be Puff Daddy now known as Diddy) there was a stabbing, shooting and multiple fights. You know New Rochelle and Mt Vernon don't get along! I respond " What do we have that Puffy didn't" Matador responds " What. " I say " Working class people just looking to have a good time. Besides we'll have a strict dress code. That will deter our friendly neighborhood trouble makers. Matador responds " Okay. You've solved that problem. The owner said the capacity of the club is 800 we've never had a party with those numbers before" I respond " We'll get Kuh Teeth involved he's been wanting to throw parties with us for the past few months. His crew is good for about 400 people" Matador starts laughing to himself and says " You had this all planned out before we even got here. " I respond " Yes siiiir. Now go ask the owner how much the rental fee is. "

Week before the Party. Word on the street! U.S.C was throwing the party of the year! Matador came up with the idea to promote the event as our very own Ten Year High School Reunion. That shit worked! Cause no African wanted to go to that snow flake reunion Our High School comittee was organizing. We sold advance tickets at 15 dollars a pop. Printing only 400 this time around we didn't want to make the same mistake twice. Anyone who sold tickets for us got 5 dollars from each sale. Those tickets went quickly !!! U.S.C was about to do what no other Promoter could since The Carib has been open. Have a party and invite The Bronx, New Rochelle and Mt Vernon. Usually that would be a recipe for disaster.

Night of the party. We hired 12 Sumo type body guards. Monie luv is at the door making sure our money is coming in right. Matador and myself are walking around the party making sure no mini fights break out. Of course yours truly is collecting coochie coupons at the same time.

1 am Dj Billy Busch has that Place jumping!!!! We not only filled the club to its capacity WE EXCEEDED IT!!! Bar ran out of hennessy at 12 midnite. But most important thing of all NO FIGHTS!!!! We made history. U.S.C set the precedent for future events held at that venue.

End of the night Matador hands me my dough. I look in the envelope, smile and say " Luck + Preparation = SUCCESS!!! Never accept defeat. Even when the odds are not in your favor. We could have walked away. Instead ten years from now we'll look back on this night and say DAMN!!! That was a Slamming Party !!!! "

The Guru Of Love

2006-05-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Sixth grade. It was a new school year and my attraction to girls was full blown. I remember walking into the classroom and noticing how well developed my female counterparts were and thinking to myself maybe some one will want to hold my hand this year. Then I notice most of the girls are staring at this light skinned curly haired boy sitting in the back. Me being an oppurtunist and no dummy sat down next to his ass. " Hey you look familiar where do I know you from" Curly haired boy responds " I don't know" and continues to chat up the girls. Then it hits me. This dude is not a new kid. He was in this very classroom the year before. None of the other kids seem to notice or care so I kept my mouth shut and befriended him. You know how that old saying goes if you can't beat em join em.

Couple of years go by . We're in the 8th grade now. Since being dark skinned wasn't in. Good n Plenty and myself stuck to Curly haired boy like glue . He was a chick magnet !!! Fat firls, skinny girls, older girls all wanted a piece of pretty ricky. What he didn't want Good n Plenty and myself were happy to pick up the scraps. It was a perfect marriage he made us popular with the girls we helped him with his home work. We didn't want his ass to get left back again!!! That would ruin our hustle!! So we made sure he kept a B average.

That year our class took a trip to Washington D.C. I had a crush on this girl named Chip Tooth. This trip was my chance to express my undying love for her. SIKE!!!! I just wanted to feel her up on the bus ride to D.C. Anyway when we get there I notice everyone gets off the bus except Chip Tooth and Curly haired boy. So my nosy ass goes back on . I LOOK !!! Curly Haired Boy and Chip Tooth are going at it. He's on top of her, her tongue is in his mouth. I'm fuming!!!!! I wanted to run over and pull his ass off her, but instead I leave quietly. Me being the hater that I am told my teacher they were still on the bus. THATS RIGHT !!! Thats what Curly Haired Boy gets for liking the same girl I liked.

We graduate. I end up going to some prestigous High School and getting myself kicked out, Good n Plenty becomes this big time High School Football and Basketball star , and Curly Haired Boy just fell through the cracks. His family didn't have the money to send him to a Catholic high school so he ended up going to public school. A few years later he drops out and moved to Atlanta with his family. Good n Plenty and myself never heard from him again.

1992 I'm at a house party in money earnin Mt Vernon. Good n Plenty and myself are chilling drinking cervezas. Door bell rings. Our host opens the door and greets these two dudes. One I know from high school the other OOOOOOH SHIIIIIT!!!! I slap Good N Plenty in the back of the head and say " Nigga look!!!!" Good N Plenty looks and says " Hell naw!!! is that Curly Haired Boy !!! I say " Sure looks like him" I walk over to Curly Hair and say " Ya Know. I still haven't forgiven you for sticking your tongue down Chip Tooth's throat" Curly haired looks and his eyes light up " SLIIIIIIISH!!!!! he looks over my shoulder and sees Good n Plenty " PLEEEEENTY!!! I haven't seen you guys since high school. What a small world." I say " So what you been up to man!!! Curly Haired Man " Yooo. I joined the airforce then got myself kicked out !!! I say " How" Curly haired Man " Got mad and shot a gun at some cat so they put me out" Me and Good N Plenty start laughing I say " Your pretty boy ass shot a gun at somebody. Thats classic " Curly Haired Man pulls his wallet out of his back pocket and says "Check this out" He shows us a picture of a baby female version of himself. I say " You have a son?" Good N Plenty starts laughing Curly haired Man responds " Asshole thats my new born daughter, but I do have a son " I respond " DAAAAYUUM nigga you ain't even 25 you got 2 kids already!!!! That must be the puerto rican in you. Curly haired Man responds " How many times I gotta tell you I'M NOT PUERTO RICAN I'M BLACK" I laugh and respond " So you say. Yo mama hiding something!!!! Truth be told Curly Haired Man never new his daddy.

So we're all reconnected now and became The 3 amigos again . Curly Haired Man still has his mojo but that shit came at a price. That nigga got bored with women quick. His second baby mama stayed calling my ass looking for that trifling negro. I rememeber one time Curly was bold enough to have the next chick pick him up from his baby mama's house while he was still living there. He was off the chain. Baby Mama eventually got tired of it and put him out. Yours truly had to help him move NOT ONCE but several times.

Good N Plenty and Myself started to notice when it came to women Curly Haired Man was extreeemly unstable. He'd meet a chick, wife her in less than two weeks even move in . Once he got bored all hell would break loose . He would leave these women broken and confused. Did he care ? NO!!!! did we talk to him about it? NO!!! Shiiiiit we thought it was comedy. Then we hit our thirties and that shit wasn't funny anymore.

Curly Haired Man had met a much younger woman than himself. In less than a month she was pregnant with his third child. He did the usual and moved her into his crib. Now I give him credit he stuck it out for about 2 years. Then he got bored and when Curly Haired Man gets bored with women he can become dismissive, agressive, and just down right rude. He had ole girl in tears daily, calling her fat ( mind you she just had a baby) , he's not sexually attracted to her, she's stupid etc etc etc but Third baby mama loved Curly Haired Man and would not leave him so he moved out and came to live with me.

Every night Third baby mama is callng my apt looking for Curly haired Man, but he was never home. I started to get suspicious because the whole time I assumed he was with her. One night Curly haired Man decides to make an appearance. I say " Yo Curly where you been these past couple of days. Your baby mama been calling here looking for you" Curly haired Man responds " I been hanging out with a friend" I say " What friend and I hope she has titties ? " he starts laughing and responds " I met this chick at work. YO!!!! I'm really feeling her too" Here we go again I respond " Let me guess you've known her two weeks " Curly says" Yeah how you know that?" I respond " I didn't. I know you. Thats your M.O meet a chick, wife her in two weeks, get bored in two months, and bounce" Curly Haired Man " This is different. I'm really feeling this woman. I respond " You said that about Second Baby Mama and Third Baby mama. You haven't even broken up with Third Baby Mama already you talking about getting serious with this woman you just met. Curly you always do this man! You move too fast. Once that new feeling is gone YOU'RE GONE!!!! C mon !! Don't do this ! Curly Haired Man responds " Slish I respect what you're saying and I love you like a brother for keeping it real. BUT!!! I've never felt this strongly about a woman. You don't feel what I feel. Two weeks later Curly Haired Man broke up with Third Baby Mama and moved in with that woman.

Good N Plenty and I were counting the days. We were sure Curly would get bored with his new lady Fina . Months went by, then a year not once did he try and leave or cheat. I noticed a certain calm about Curly too. Don't get me wrong his ass was still moody, but somehow Fina was able to manage Curly's kind of insanity. She was able to do what most of his ex's could not. Fina took the time to study, nurture and helped my boy mature. After a while I embraced this new relationship and encouraged him in any way I could.

2003 The day Finally Came. Curly Proposed to Fina. It was a beautiful wedding. Fina was glowing. I never saw Curly so Happy. He had found the ying to his yang. 2 1/2 years later they added a baby boy to the mix. Curly Haired Man was finally getting the chance to become the kind of father he always wanted to be.

Now Bloggers have you figured out who Curly is. You read the profound comments he leaves on my Blog. Curly Haired Man is Grantlove!!!! His knowledge came from years of ups, downs and child support payments. He wasn't always the Guru of love. Just goes to show you how one woman can a change a man.

Now its my turn ...

I Want Half

2006-05-23T19:30:00.000-04:00

Monday 8:30 pm I leave my parttime job. Get in my car and check my cell phone . I see a missed call from Philly Live. I call him Back " What up . Philly Live " Yoooooooo SON!!!!! What the fuck is going on with YO BLOG!!!!!! 41 comments in one day from some bullshit !!!! Son you need to shut this shit DOWN!!!!! Tell these muthafucka 's you gone fall back, focus on yo lady, and get back on track with whats important. Fade to BLACK!!!!! Like Jay Z!!!! Then!!! Take a 2 week break and come back with some NEW SHIT!! THEY'LL LOVE YO ASS !!!!! hahaha. I'm laughing I respond " You have waaay to much free time to come up with that shit !!! he starts laughing " Whatever "

I say " So whats poppin. Did you come to nyc this weekend? " Philly Live " Yeeeaah Son my presence was requested by you know who" I respond " You put it any work? " Philly Live " Naaaw. I was a gentlemen the whole weekend " I say " You telling me you came all the way to NYC to play footsy. What part of the game is that ? " Philly Live responds " The part you know nothing about . I play chess not checkers nigga " Thats code for he likes ole girl and doesn't want to ruin the honeymoon period with his wack love making skills. I say " Aiight loser"

Philly Live says " Slish. Let me ask you a question. Do you think Chivalry is dead? I start laughing " Why would you be asking me a question like that. You still eat with your hands" Philly Live " Fuck you. Listen. This weekend i'm walking with ole girl. I was on the right side of her then she crosses in front of me so that i'm on the left. I ask her why she did that. She says its proper etiquette to walk on the left side when walking with a lady. So I ask her what purpose does that serve other than if a car jumps the curb its gonna hit me before it hits her !!!! " I start laughing he continues " Slish. W omen be on some real bullshit when it comes to what a brotha should or shouldn't do when it comes to dating etiquette. Slish you open car doors for women? I respond "Only until I pull those panties to the side after that she's on her own . " Philly Live says " Shiiiiit I get into the car first, reach over to the other side, push that shit open and say GET IN!!!!! I laughed so hard I almost hit a truck .

Philly Live " Check this out Slish. Women are selfish creatures and it says so in the bible" I respond . "Where !!!!! " Philly Live " The Adam and Eve story. God distinctly told the both of them not to eat any of the apples from the garden of eden. What does Eve do!!! She up and eats one of the apples. Now she knows her ass is in trouble but instead of taking the HEAT by her damn self!!! She gets Adam to take a bite of the same apple so she wouldn't burn in Hell alone !!!!! My car swerves again cause I can't stop laughing . I respond " Where do you come up with this shit ? Philly Live " Women do shit like that to us all the time. Get themselves into all kinds of bullshit and wait for us to either take the fall with them or shovel them out.

Now Philly Live has a point. Peep Game( Taken from The Roycester) Man makes six figure income. He meets a woman who makes good money but not as much as him. They get married and decide to start a family. Both of them agree the wife should stop working since his salary can provide for the entire household. Which she quickly does. Now wifey is home . Shouldn't she be managing and paying the bills on time? HELL NO!!!! Ms stay at home has been living the high life keeping up with the Jones. Credit cards are maxed, Bills are over a month LATE!!! and the whole time Mr six figure is clueless. Cause all he cares about is that his wife still looks good in her thong. What happens next. Wife is away visiting family thinking she's covered her tracks. Husband picks up the mail and discovers a FORCLOSURE NOTICE for his house. ALLLLLL HELLLL BREAKS LOOOSE and they end up on Oprah!!!!

This is how I feel . When a man and woman get together it shoudn't matter who makes more or less because someone is always going to make more. What does matter is how the couple approaches it. For example Brotha's if your lady makes waaaay more money than you do. No way in HELL!!!! should you be paying half of the bills WHY?? cause at the end of the day you will be left with no money for yourself. Split the bills in percentages if she makes more she pays the larger bills like the mortgage, rent, car note etc . Now this goes for the fella's too If your making waaay more money than your lady the same rules should apply.

Ofcourse I broke this scenario down to Philly Live and he disagreed. He said " FUCK THAT I WANT HALF EEDDDIIIEEE !!!!

So what do you guys think .

2006-05-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES SUNDAY'S POST HAS BEEN REMOVED....Please check back later....Lmaof

How Could You!!!!!

2006-05-17T01:00:00.000-04:00

Damn!!! I'm stuck in 1987 now ! Went through a whole lotta shit that year. I was struggling with the notion of not going to college and joining the Marines. But my girlfriend at the time Poochie Lee said she would miss me terribly if I joined and would have no choice but to replace me if I stayed away too long. So I nixed the Hoorah idea and decided to attend The School of Visual Arts in NYC . My sweetie was ecstatic. She would be at St. Johns and I would be in the city. Nothing would change. Together forever.

About a month after The Rumble with The Crew. Poochie Lee's and my prom had come and gone. Poochie Lee told me she didn't attend hers. Something about not wanting to be around a whole bunch of white people, the music would be wack, none of her friends were going etc etc etc . That was fine by me. So we went to my prom instead.

Poochie Lee looked beautiful on Prom Night. She wore a cream and gold dress. It fit her perfectly too . Poochie Lee's 36 Ds were screaming squeeze me in the limo Slish!!!! Sqeeeeeuuuze me !!!! I had a wonderful time . As a matter of fact the next day was when I tried to get rid of The Virgin Logo printed on my forehead. But Poochie Lee had that same logo. Making it hard for Danger to squeeze his way into her warm wet climate.

One summer evening Good & Plenty and myself drove over to Poochie Lee's house to chill for a little while before we headed downtown to 42nd street for our usually porn run. We're inside watching television and drinking Poochie Lee's Daddy's beer. Poochie Lee's phone rings. She gets up from the couch and goes into the kitchen to answer it. Poochie Lee is chit chatting away. I notice to the right of me some kodak envelopes. I look inside. Aaaaaw the pictures from my prom. I forgot all about those.

So I start running through the pics. Passing them to Good and Plenty as i'm done looking at each one. Shiiiiiiit. I looked sharp that night. Brown suit with gold Pinstripes, gold bow tie, and some black pointy pimp shoes. I was SLICK I TELL YA SLIIIICK!!!!! SLASHER !!!! can we get back to the story please. Oh Oh sorry. So as i'm going through the pics I notice a picture of Poochie Lee and another guy sitting in what looked like a limo and she's wearing the same exact PROM DRESS!!!!! I wipe my eyes and look at the picture again hoping the guy sitting next to her starts to look like me, but he doesn't. Since Good and Plenty also attended my prom figured he would have some insight. I whisper to Good and Plenty " Yo take a look at this. When did Poochie Lee have time to go and take this picture with this dude on prom night ? " Plenty looks at the picture. All of a sudden he has this OH SHIT!! look on his face and says " You sure thats not you ? " I snatch the picture from his hand and respond " DUMB ASS!!! You know thats not me. Dude is Light Skinned with a straight nose !!!! Good and Plenty " I dont know when she took that picture cause as far as I can remember Poochie Lee didn't leave your side the whole night. " I say " Thats what I'm thinking. When did she have time?" Then it HITS ME!!!!! BITCH WENT TO HER PROM!!!!!!

I put all the pictures back except for the one with Poochie Lee and Mr Straight Nose. I placed it underneath my right leg. Poochie Lee is done with her phone call, comes walking back into the living room with a box of ritz crackers in her hand. She notices I had gone through the pics. Her eyes get reeeeally big. She rushes over to the couch, sits next to me, and starts to pick up the Kodak envelopes. Poochie Lee is going through them now. She can't find what she's looking for. I pull the picture from underneath my leg and say " You looking for this BITCH!!!!!! YOU LOOKING FOR THIS!!!!!!! Poochie Lee" Slishy I I can explain." I respond " EXPLAIN WHAT !!! That you went to your prom with this pretty boy muthfucka and WORE THE SAME DRESS!!! Your prom was 3 weeks before mine !!! Poochie Lee " I didn't want to go. My friends convinced me at the last minute. " I respond " Oh yeah!! So why didn't you ask me to go with you? Poochie " I was, but at the time we weren't getting along and you know how temperamental you are. I didn't want to risk you embarassing me in front of my girls " I say" FUCK YOU!!!!! I'm out!! Come on Good and Plenty!! Lets leave before I choke this chick!!

Good & Plenty and I leave Poochie Lee's house. Poochie Lee comes running out behind me and says " Slishy wait. Don't leave. I'm so sorry" I ignore her and keep walking to my car. Poochie Lee Catches up to me and jumps on my back. I shrug my shoulders, push her off and turn around to face her. With tears in her eyes Poochie Lee says " Slishy I love you. I didn't mean for this to happen. You weren't supposed to find out. I was miserable the whole time I was at my Prom. I didn't dance with straight nose boy at all. All I kept thinking about was how hurt you would be if you knew. I missed you sooo much that night." Then she shows me the picture of her and dude and says" Look at this picture !!! Does it look like I was happy I didn't even smile " Then she shows me a picture of me and her at my prom " Now look at this picture of us at your prom. We look happy and I was so proud to be with you that night. Please forgive me Slishy" Tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I bend down, kiss Poochie Lee gently on her Forehead, give her the tightest hug and I say " Good Bye "

Good & Plenty and I are in the car . He turns to me and says " You alright Slish ? I respond " I will be. "

Thank You Mama

2006-05-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

I was failing advanced american literature. The teacher said the only way I would pass is if I got a B on my term paper. You wrote the whole thing for me. THANK YOU MAMA!!!!

Switching price tags in Macys so that Stughetto and I could stay laced in fly shit. THANK YOU MAMA!!!!

Told the guidance counselor at New Rochelle High you left Daddy and was getting a divorce causing me great emotional distress which was the reason I was kicked out of my last high school. When the truth really was I failed out purposely because I didn't like going to an all boy school. Guidance counselor bought the story and kept me in the 11 th grade when my ass should have been left back.. THANK YOU MAMA!!!!

Told the elementary school business office that you were the only person in the household working and that daddy was unemployed. BIG LIE!!! Got me and Stughetto free lunch every year until we graduated from that school. THANK YOU MAMA!!!!!

I wrote a story waaay before some of you guys starting reading this blog. Figured I would re post it since my pops has forbidden my mother to partake in any new schemes to get ahead. Making her life pretty dull right now.

One Saturday my family was invited to my cousins wedding. Stughetto calls me in the morning and asks if I could pick up her and my mom and drive them to the wedding. I agree to do so. Biiiiig mistake. My mom is notorious for being a back seat driver.

I get to the house at about 3 : 45 PM called Stughetto and let her know I was outside. They come out & get in the car . Mom says " Slishy I have the directions right here. Want me to tell you how to get to the church" I respond "Nope just give me the address we'll let the car find it " Mom responds " The car??? she starts looking around " You mean the car can tell us how to get there? I respond " Yep " Mom " Excuuuuuuse me" Stughetto says " Your just showing off you know the church is right off I95 you don't need navigation for that. " she's such a HATER!!!! I look back at her, smile, and pull off.

We're on I95. I'm cruising at about 65 -70 miles an hour. My mom is already telling me to slow down and asking why I haven't used my blinker I say " What happened the last time you told me to slow down" Mom responds " You went faster ? " I respond" Thats riiight so be quiet. This car can hit a hundred at anytime. Stughetto shakes her head and says " Thats why I didn't drive " This quiets my mother for all of six minutes then she says " Slishy why are you not using your blinker when you switch lanes " I respond "MOM!!!! I am using the blinkers. Cars today don't have that tic tic noise anymore. she responds " Ooooooh and looks at my side of the car to make sure I'm not lying .

So far my navigation system has us going in the right direction. My mother is very impressed. Mom " Slishy the car talks to you and tells you when to get off right? " I respond " Yes ma" She replies " Then why hasn't it told you to get in the right lane CAUSE WERE COMING UP TO OUR EXIT RIGHT NOW !!!!!" I look at my sister she's shaking her head side to side, then I look at my mother's shiny brown face and we both started to laugh. She knew what she said was stupid, but when you're with the people you love most in the world you can get away with it. Like the Ojays sang " I"LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA SHE'S MY FAVORITE GIRL"....you only get one folks cherish the time you have with them.

Rumble Young Man Rumble .

2006-05-11T00:30:00.000-04:00

1987 my last year in high school was monumental for me. I realized what kind of man I had become and what my boys really thought about me. Smoking weed and running trains on dumb big breasted ugly chicks named Buffy was a weekly pastime Young Slish did not partake in. My crew(Phantom, Fondu, Mongrilus and Que) ridiculed me daily because of it. They called me names like faggot, pussy and virgin. The first two names I could care less about , but me being a virgin !!!! HOW THE FUCK DID THEY KNOW THAT!!!! Yeah I had tried a few times to get some pussy but The Slasher laid dormant during those times and I didn't realize Danger was not a pussy tickler but a pussy CONQUERER !!!!! therefore trying to squeeze him into some virgin bush was damn near impossible.

Right before graduation. The name calling and teasing had taken its toll on me. So I started drifting away from The Crew and hung out with my cousin Bowie and Good and Plenty instead. The Crew hated that shit. Although I was the lame ass nigga that hadn' t gotten any pussy I had a nose for finding it and quality chocha at that. The crew didn't like losing their supply so they lashed out. Any house party I was invited to they would follow me, crash it and act rowdy. When asked who invited them ofcourse The Crew spit out " SLIIIIISH!!!" Bitch as niggas made everyday on my block HELLL!!!!

One night Stughetto( For new readers Stughetto is my sister) runs in the house and comes into my bedroom crying. I say " Whats the matter. Boyfriend break up with you? " Stughetto sobbing responds " N N No " I say " Then what is it? You in trouble with mommy and daddy? Then I hear some noise coming from outside. I look across the street. I see The Crew all gathered together laughing and pointing at my house yelling " Thats right nigga your sister is a Burner!!!! WTF!!!! back then burner meant an individual that had a venereal disease. I say " Stughetto is that why you're crying? " Stughetto still sobbing responds " Y Y Yeeesss " and starts crying even harder I respond " is it true? Stughetto " NNoooooo Slishy. Why would they say that? Why won't they stop!!!! " At that moment I knew this shit wasn't about Stughetto. Since I had the Serve and Protect clause in the verbal contract between me and my Dad meant only one thing. SOMEBODY WAS GETTING FUUUUCKED UP TONAUUUUIIIGHT!!!!!

I tell Stughetto to go in her room and lock the door. I look out the window and count 1 2 3 4 . SHIT!!!! I need back up. Someone with quick hands. I call Good and Plenty. His boxing skills were legendary in my neighborhood. " Yo I got beef " Good and Plenty responds " Them niggas trying to get at you" I respond " Yeah man. Meet me on my block in 15 Minutes" Good and Plenty without hesitation responds " Aight"

I put my sneakers on and walk to my parents bedroom. Knocked on the door. No answer GOOOOD they were asleep. I walked back to my bedroom, looked out my window and see Good and Plenty strolling up the block. That was my que to go outside.

I'm outside now. Good and Plenty gives me a pound and says " What you need me to do. " I respond " Just make sure these muthfuckas don' t gang up on me" Good and Plenty punches his fist into his hand and responds " I can do that " I walk across the street towards the crew yelling " WHICH ONE OF YOU NIGGAS CALLED MY SISTER A BURNER!!! The Crew starts laughing, but no one gives me an answer so I say it again " WHICH ONE OF YOU MUTHAFUCKAS CALLED STUGHETTO A BURNER!!! " Fondu shouts back " I DID!!!! I SAID IT!!!! PUSSY!!!! I respond " COME FIGHT THIS PUSSY NIGGA!!! CAUSE YOU AIN"T GETTING AWAY WITH THAT SHIT!!!! You niggas been stalking me for the past couple of weeks . THAT SHIT ENDS TONIGHT!!!! "

Both Fondu and I have our hands up. Ready to rock and roll. I throw the first punch and Miss!!! Second punch also thrown by me MISS!!!! I think to myself WHO BEEN TEACHING THIS NAPPY HEADED MOFO HOW TO BOX!!!! FUCK IT!!!! I was on the wrestling team Fondu was going down. So I rushed him!!. Biiiiig mistake. All I saw were a flurry of punches coming at my forehead and felt them connecting. I'm not gonna lie HE LIT MY ASS UP!!!!! I backed away from him. Then I start to hear that Incredible Hulk Music from the t.v series. Voice in my head saying " Get angry Slish this nigga is too quick for you. GET ANGRRRRRY !!!!!! " I rubbed my head, looked at FONDU like I was a crazy crackhead on steroids and rushed that nigga again!! This time Fondu doesn't throw any punches he gets scared and tries to RUN!!! Back then Fondu never tied the laces on his sneakers, causing him to trip and hit the side walk. I ran and stood over his ass and said " This is what you get for trying to run!! PUSSY!!!! Head shot, Body shot, Head shot and Hyyyyuuuuuken!!!!! KICK TO FONDU's mid section.

I was out of breath so I stopped the massive attack, backed up and felt someone behind me. I turn around to look. ITS STUGHETTO!!! with a BUTCHER KNIFE !!! She had a look on her that screamed "Come into the beat down zone and get cut NIGGAS!!! " She turns to me and says " Slishy kick his ass some more " I look down at Fondu and just when I lift my leg of the ground for another Hyuken kick!!!! I hear " Slishy STOP!!! You're going to kill him!!! Stop!!! I turn around and see my pops running down the stairs of my house. " Slishy stop. No son of mind is going to jail. I'm not going to lose you to these streets" Pops grabs me away from the ruckus and orders me and Stughetto inside the house.

That was the first and last time my Pops ever saw me in a fight. He decided that night to move our entire family out of the Bronx and to the suburbs. We moved six months later. As for The Crew we became even better friends after the Rumble in the Jungle.

The Kid In You

2006-05-06T19:41:00.000-04:00

Saturday afternoon. You think I would be out enjoying this beautiful weather, or calling some random Slish Playmate for a midday rendevous. Naaaaw i'm home watching Dvds . If I tell you what dvds ive been watching you guys might take away my platinum playa card.

Why am I in. Its safer that way. I hit the streets especially in this kind of weather. No telling what kind of trouble the Slasher will get me into. Once he spots women in tank tops, Sundresses , and cocoa buttered legs. The beast comes out. Now technically this shouldn't be a problem. I am still single, my cuddle muffin and I are still getting reacquainted. So why not enjoy myself. Well i'm trying not to complicate my life and start some shit I can't finish. Why go out and meet someone new when I still have strong feelings for Barneys. So i've decided to keep The Slasher in check until Barneys and I decide what the future holds for us.

Now I can't speak for Barneys. She might be out doing the damn thing. I mean I can't be naive to think that for the past two months Barneys has been sitting home twiddling her thumbs. There has to be at least one dude who's had Barneys thinking Slish WHO??? Hmmmmm. Scratching my head . What do I do ? Do I call her 24/7 to make sure she's not with the next man, Show up unannounced at her door step, tell her those three little words I know she's not ready to hear. I just don't know.

Why does this shit have to be so hard. Remember when we were kids. Boy sees girl. She smiles back. Boy walks over and says " I like you" Girl says "You're cute" Boy says " lets go steady " Girl says " Okay you're my boyfriend" and off the both of you went holding hands in front of the Mr softee truck so you could buy her an ice cream cone. Life was simple back then.

Why as adults do we let all this extra shit keep us from being happy. Why do we challenge Love. Its the most wonderful feeling in the Universe and all we do is challenge it. Lets get in touch with the kid in us again. Fuck it!!! I'm going to get in touch with the kid in me and say Barneys I like you !!! No!!! I take that back!!! I more than just like you!!! I want to hold your hand and walk up to a MR Softee Truck and buy you an ice cream cone.

Lets get in touch with the kids in us

Since You Wanted To Know

2006-05-03T22:00:00.000-04:00

Saturday evening. I get my first cancellation from the The Action Pack. Good and Plenty leaves me a message stating " Hey old man as much as I'd love to attend the festivities later this evening. I won't be able to make it. You know I just moved and still have a lot of unpacking to do." Now bloggers if you listen to that message reeeeal closely. This is what it really says
" Hey old man. I won't be able to make the gathering of The Action Pack. I ain't got no money and my wife didn't sign my release form. "

I'm starting to get a little nervous so I call Philly Live shortly after hearing that message. "Yoooo" Philly Live " What up loser" I say " You still coming to Nyc to chill with me and my boys later. Philly Live " I don't know depends on how I feel after I attend the Penn Relays. What time you guys gonna link up" I say "About 9pm " Philly Live " Oh Really!!! I can do that !!!! Shiiiit I'll come to nyc and kill 2 birds with one stone." I say " What you talking bout WILLIS!!!!! Philly Live responds " Hang out with you and see my new love interest Light Weight. Light Weight Told me she and Phoenix were crashing The Action Pack " I say " Ya'll still kicking it on the phone since Stughettos B-day Party ?" Philly Live " Yeah man " I say " On the real. Don't come at her with that Philly Live macho bullshit. Her girlfriend Phoenix is a Hound!!!! She will smell it and cause you to have a cheekless evening. " Philly Live " I ain't no ROOKIE!!! I got it covered. See you later " he hangs up . I call the rest of The Action Pack and get confirmation that everyone will be at the The Den Between 9 and 9:30 pm.

8:00 pm I call my B-day twin Spankinazz " What up son" I say " You Ready " Spankinazz " Ready for what? " I respond " Dog did I not tell you we had to be in Harlem by 9pm " Spankinazz " Yo son I could have sworn you said you were picking me up at 9pm. I haven't even taken a shower " I respond " You have 15 minutes( I really mean 30 minutes) " Spankinazz says sarcastically " 15 minutes. Riiiiight. " I say " Thats right nigga so get it poppin"

9:05 pm Spankinazz and myself get to the den. The Bouncer tries to charge us a 5.00 dollar cover. HELL NAW!!!! I say " Get the Manager!!! " Manager comes outside two minutes later I say " Hi my name is Mr Slish I have a reservation for 10 people. I was told I would not be charged a 5.00 dollar cover before 10pm it is now 9:10 pm . Manager responds " Thats fine come right on in " I give the Bouncer a WHAT NOW NIGGA LOOK!!! Spankinazz and myself walk in and occupy the section reserved for The Action Pack.

9:30 pm The Action pack is running late. Spankinazz and I are chit chatting away. Then we see 3 chicks walk in. They look around trying to find seating. There is none. Party in the back of the Restaurant and I had the front section reserved so they were assed out in the seating dept. The ladies head towards the bar and sit down. All of a sudden Spankinazz loses his train of thought, stops talking and stares straight ahead. One of the women was still standing and she was in a Wonder Woman pose. Her ass was glowing and I mean that literally her ass cheeks wanted to eat through her jeans. Spankinazz's mouth wiiide open and says " She's a suuuuperhero " I say " I concur" I call the manager over to me and say " Hey bruh . I see its getting kind of crowded in here. Those young ladies at the bar can have one of my tables. " Spankinazz looks at me and says " Slish you're my hero" I say " Hey its your b-day too "

10pm Everyone starts to roll in. Shaft, Supa Dad, Faceman, Phoenix, Light Weight, Dough Boy, Philly Live, and last but not least Corporate America.

Before Corporate got there I made a bet with our mutual buddy Supa Dad that he would not sit with us, but gravitate towards the ladies I gave one of my tables to. Supa Dad" Your wrong Slish those chicks are not his type" I say " They may not be his type, but they're the best looking women in our vicinity and Corporate never wastes an oppurtunity to get his numbers up. " Supa Dad " Aiight Slish we'll see " When Corporate arrives he sits next to me and asks " Slish who's that sitting next to Phoenix " I say " Thats her girl Light Weight and she's off limits to you " Corporate gives me a WTF look. I point my head in Philly Lives direction and Corporate quickly gets the picture and heads on over to the table with those 3 little birds. DRUM ROOOOOLLL PLEEEASE!!!!!! Supa Dad looks at me, the rest of table starts laughing and the whole time Corporate is clueless to whats going on.

11 pm I Notice Phoenix has found her prey for the evening. My boy Faceman. I start laughing on the inside and say to myself " Wait till I tell her old ass that faceman was still in 1st grade while we were doing the WOP!!!!!. On second thought. Phoenix might like that!!!!!

12 midnite I get a phone call from my cuddle muffin Barneys wishing me a Happy B-day. I don't remember what my tipsy ass said to her. Probably something duuurty. Cause Everyone knows Slish is not a mean drunk , but a horny one.

We leave the Den and head to New Rochelle. Phoenix calls me on my cell " Slish you and Spankinazz need to follow me and Lightweight to my apt. I say " Why!!??? " Phoenix " Cause I need to change my blouse and dont we need you to get us into that club in New Rochelle? I say " Noooo you don't need me to get in. Its open to the public" Phoenix says " Well wait for us anyway " I look at Spankinazz and start to laugh and the Slasher responds" On one condition" Phoenix responds " Whats that Slish" Slasher " We get to watch you change" We both start laughing Phoenix hangs up.

12:45 am Me, Spankinazz, Corporate, Doughboy, Supa Dad, Philly Live, Phoenix and Light Weight get to to the Radisson Hotel. Place is crowded. I meet and greet a few people I haven't seen in a while. The Music in this club hmmmm lets just say Straight men don't don't dance to this shit. Although I did see Dough Boy doing the two step at the bar. Since the music was wack. We all just started people watching. Corporate and myself spot this 60 ish black dude dancing. Apparently we weren't the only ones who saw him, cause Supa Dad stuck his head between Corporate and myself and says " Slish thats going to be be you and Corporate in 25 years. My sons are gonna say " Pops I saw yo boys Corporate and Slish at the club again" I say " F@ck You. Then I hear this cackling next to me. I look. Its Phoenix laughing her ass off at what Supa Dad said I say " What you laughing at!!!! Who you think our dance partner is going to be CRADLE SNATCHA!!! I saw you making googly eyes at my boy Faceman. "

1:30 am The Hennessy starts to kick me in the ass. I signal to everyone that I am about to bounce. They all agree to do the same. Corporate and Supa Dad both leave. Dough Boy and Spankinazz ride with me, and Philly Live takes off with Phoenix's homegirl Light Weight.

2 am I pull up in front of Spankinazz's house he says " THATS IT!!!! We done for the night!!! I respond " Yup. Our Old asses don't need to be out past 2 am" Spankinazz says " C Mon lets go downtown. " I say " Nope gotta get some sleep. Need all my energy for later" Spankinazz responds " What for!!!!! I respond " I have a date with an Angel. Now get the f@ck out, go into your house and make your fiancee howl at the moon. "

The Next day I had my date with My Angel and you know what!!! It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

The Action Pack

2006-04-29T15:12:00.000-04:00

Tuesday morning i'm sitting at my desk trying to forget I turn 37 on Sunday. I check my yahoo email. I get a message from Pheonix asking me if i'm having a b-day party this weekend. I told her no the first time. Guess she ain't got nothing to do maybe she was hoping I would change my mind since she sent the first email last friday. I respond " You know what!!!!..You can't read!!...lol Didn't I tell you I wasn't doing anything ...lol....Anyway I will be at The Den this Saturday 9pm with the fellas I reserved a table for 10...You can come through if ya want..and there is a party in New Rochelle later that evening at The Radisson Hotel.. Some Chick I know from back in the day is having a big B-day bash. Should be nice..I believe its free( Figured I would mention that cause pheonix loooooves free shit) and open to the public...Thats where I will be getting my freak on later that evening. Pheonix replies "
What evea nukka. and don't be calling me cross eyed. You are the one who is crossed eyed. lol So you have a crush on Roycee?????????????????? :-) WTF. This woman stay in my business I respond " Blog Crush!!! There is a difference!!....and you are cross eyed."

Later that day I get a phone call from my best bud Phantom. " What a gwan my youth. I saw that you called me last night " I say " Yeah. Just wanted to let you know I was getting the The Action Pack together on Saturday Night for my b-day " Phantom laughing now " Action Pack? Whats the Action pack? " I say " You, Corporate America, Clipperman, Good and Plenty, Venom, Dough Boy, Spankinazz, The Scavenger, Face man , Bouncer , Shaft and yours truly Grand Master Slish" Phantom is laughing Hysterically " Slish how did you manage that " I respond " It wasn't hard. Once I announced no wives or girlfriends allowed they jumped at that shit. Niggas need a break from the blah blah blah sometimes" Phantom responds " I'll definitely be there"

Wednesday. I'm sitting at my desk wondering WHY!!!!! Do I still work here!!! My phone rings I pick up " Pt accts " Cat " You sooooound soooo professional. Why didn't you call me back last night" I respond " I did call you back. Just didn't leave a message" Cat " Why? I respond " Figured if it was important you would call me back which you evidently did." Cat responds " Whatever negro. Listen!!! You work in a hospital right ? I respond in a deeper voice " Yeeeees" Cat " I kinda got my self into a situation at my job and need to get myself out of it" I'm shaking my head. This chick always getting herself into some shit. I respond in a condescending tone " What kind of twouble are we in now Cat. " Cat responds " Its like this Slish. I told my job I have Lung Cancer" I pull the phone away from my ear. This woman has lost her f@cking mind!!! I respond " Cat you don't have Lung Cancer you have Sarcoidosis. Thats faaar from Lung Cancer" Cat responds" Slishy I know that . But theeeey don't know that. I respond " Only you would do some silly shit like that. " Cat says" Anyway i'm trying to get them to grant me a 2 month leave of absence" I respond" So what do you need from me." Cat says " I need you to help me fill out this disability form" I respond " Why don't you fill it out" Cat responds " I don't understand all that medical shit " I say" What makes you think I do ? " Cat starts laughing " You work in a hospital!!! If you don't know someone around must " I respond " Whatever Crackhead fax me the form. I'll see what I can do" Cat is going to hell with a rocket on her back for this shit..lol

This morning I'm sitting at my computer. My cell phone rings. I look at the screen. Its Chicago Brown " Yo i'm suprised you're awake " This nigga must have a crystal ball or something how does he know I was hanging out!!! I respond " How you know I went out last night? " Chicago Brown " Its my job to know what my movie producer is doing" I respond " Yeah Yeah yeah. You coming down to show me our latest project" Chicago Brown " Yup yup " I respond " Aight see you then

11 am Chicago brown arrives with about 10 Dvds. I Place one of them in my Dvd player. Title of our short Movie is Snitch. Hmmm. So far so good looks like we actually spent some money on this bad boy. Story line isn't corny thanks to yours truly and the cinematography is fantastic. Chicago Brown is one talented brotha.

Since I am so impressed with our efforts I will post it as soon as I figure out how to do that.

I'm out for now. Need to take a nap before I get into tonights festivities. The Action Pack together in one place can be extremely problematic. Gonna need all my energy.

Lime To The Coconut

2006-04-25T01:30:00.000-04:00

There is one thing I HATE!!!!! but somehow get tricked into doing it at least one time a year. I HATE HATE HATE !!!!! helping m@thaf@ckas move. I thought I had all these niggas trained!!!! Don' t ask Slish to help you move SHIT!!!!! Why cause I HAAAAATE IT!!!!!

Good and Plenty asked me to help him move this past Saturday. I should have told him to go f@ck himself . He knows I HATE THAT SHIT!!!! I rather give an African money to hire a mover than pick up their old ass furniture or boxes full of books they've never read and ain't never gonna read. Moving turntables, trophy's & and broken down toys from the 80's. THROW THAT SHIT OUT BEFORE YOU MOVE!!!!!

After Good & Plenty, his boy Wookie and myself finish packing up the truck. Out of Curiousity I ask " Plenty does your apt building have an elevator ? " Plenty gives me this look like DAMN!!!! I was hoping he wouldn't ask me that and responds " Nope " I give Wookie a we've just been F@CKED look and say " Yo Wookie this tricky nigga done did it to us again. " Wookie asks " What you mean Slish ? I say " M@thaF@cka got us to say yes before we could ask any details. That explains why Good and Plenty's ass hung up so damn quick after I agreed to help him. " I admit Good and Plenty got me, but I always have a plan to get out of shit. Thats why Slish made an appt to see his therapist at 5:30pm and she lives waaay out in brooklyn, therefore I will have to leave Yonkers between 4 and 4:30pm. I say " You tricky baby daddy if it wasn't for those pretty little girls your wife pushed out. I would have left you and your furniture right here at the storage Facility. Beeech ass Neeeega!!!! You have me until 4:30 pm then i'm out. I have an appt. Good and Plenty asks " With Who? " I say " THEEESE NUTS!!!!! now lets get the rest of your outdated shit on the truck.

4pm most of Good and Plenty's furniture is in his new apt. Time for me to make an exit. I say " Yo Plenty time for me to bounce" Plenty gives me this blank stare like he don't know what I'm talking about and responds " What do you mean? " I respond " Don't give me that look and you know exactly what I mean. DON'T USE YOUR KIDS TO SUCKER ME INTO STAYING EITHER!!!! They been getting on my nerves all day. So it ain't gonna work. " Plenty " C mon maaaan can't you stay until 5pm so we can go back and get the rest of the furniture from my old place. " I say " Nope cause there is no waaaaay in hell!!! your going to be able to go to the bronx, pack all that shit up and get back here by 5 pm. You must think i'm slow. I'm OOOOOUUUT!!! See ya Bitches!!!

I get to Dr.O's office promptly at 5:30pm. Dr O" How are you Mr Slish. How long has it been ? I respond " Probably a year " Dr O " Has it been that long? I thought you ran off and got married" I respond " No Dr O i'm still single and doing dumb shit." Dr O " Slish have a seat and tell me whats been going on" I sit down grab some candy out of a glass bowl and say " Well Dr O since our last session i've been all over the place. My quest for finding a wife has lead me into all kinds of different directions. I was making no progress and wasn't even close to the goals you set for me a year ago. Just when I was about to give up. I met a woman. " Dr O " Oh really whats her name " I say " Barneys " Dr O " Whats so special about her." I say " I don't know. My heart just took to her spirit. We have nothing in common but when we're together I feel like a crobar couldn't pry us apart. I can't explain it. Dr O "Thats usually how it works " I say " Oh i'm not finished. When things got a little rocky I up and break up with the girl on Valentines Day." Dr O " Mr Slish why did you do that. How did that make you feel" I say " At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. But as the weeks passed my heart was saying something different but my alter ego THE SLASHER wouldn't let me call her. Something about pride. " Dr O " So how did you resolve this situation " I say " Oh i'm getting to that. Once I was able to override the Slasher I made the call. Turned out she felt the same way, We had dinner and now she's my cuddle muffin all over again" Dr O " So what your saying is you've fallen for this Barneys " I respond " Fall, trip, jump in front of a bullet Whateva !!! I don't want to be apart from her. My heart can't take it."

10pm I arrive at Barneys apt with Scrimps , fried oysters, dvd, and a bottle of Pre Mixed Mudslide. Sing along now " Im gonna watch her t.v, we gonna play her cd's, I'm gonna be on you, you gonna be on me " WE about to get our FREAK ON!!!!!

Once we're done eating Barneys decides to take a shower. WE GONE GET OUR FREAK ON!!!!!! When she's done she goes into her bedroom and locks the door " Huh!!! we not gone get our freak on . 5 minutes later her room door opens slightly. Barneys sticks her leg out. Attached to the bottom of it is a BLACK STILETTO!!!! . WE GONE GET OUR FREAK ON!!!!! She opens the door all the way. My whole body went numb . This woman had on lime green Victoria Secret coochie shorts with the bra to match. Oh!!! and it was transparent. Long story short " I put that Lime to this Coconut and woooorked it alll ooout !!!!!! "

Who's Right Is It ?

2006-04-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

1988 I was in love with a sex vixen. Her name T Bone. Back then my slasher persona hadn't surfaced yet. I was innocent and inexperienced. T Bone taught me things about a womans body that turned me into a weapon of pum pum destruction, but those lessons came with a hefty price tag.

"Slish i'm pregnant " I respond " WHAT!!!! HOW!!! T Bone " Slish!!!!!" I say " Okay Okay that was dumb but what we are going to do!!!! T bone teary eyed " Well what do you want us to do ? I respond" We're too young we can't handle this now. " T Bone " But Slish my sister had her son when she was 16 " I respond " And you say that to say What!!!! Your sister has no job, 24 yrs old and looks like she's 40, Can't go back to school because she can't afford a baby sitter your nephew doesn't even know his father , THAT'S THE LIFE YOU WANT!!!!
T Bone crying now " N N No "

2 weeks Later. I pick up T Bone from a clinic in the city. I help her into the car. On the way home she's crying and won't stop. I pull the car over, grab her face, look her in the eyes and say " You will never ever have to go through something like this again. I don't care if I get you pregnant a second time.You will not get another abortion. " T. Bone sobbing " I love you Slish " I hug her and say " I love you too " Our relationship grew stronger after that day. I vowed to myself if T Bone got pregnant by me again. I would be a daddy at 20.

A year later . T Bone and I had broken up for a short period then got back together. One day she calls me at home " Slish can you pick me up from this address? I respond " Sure " I leave my house in Westchester and head for the Bronx. I pull up in front of this building and my Slish sense starts to tingle . T Bone see's my car , comes walking out the building very slowly like she was in some pain. She gets in. I say " What is this place and why are you here? T Bone starts to cry uncontrollably " I I I had another abortion " I say " WHAT!!!! You were pregnant and didn't tell me!!!" T Bone " Slish stop yelling at me !!! I found out when we broke up!!! I say " Why didn't you tell me ? I made a promise to you. Told you that this would never happen again. Unless " T Bone still crying " Unless what ? I say " Unless it wasn't my baby" T Bone " SLISH!!!!! I can't believe you just said that to me !!" I say " Then why would you do something like this without telling me after I made a promise to you. WHY!!!!!! " T Bone " I I don't know. Figured since you werent ready to be a boyfriend same thing would apply in regards to you being a daddy. So I made this appt " I respond " Well you thought wrong!!! That was not your decision to make it was ours. At that very moment I realized I influenced her/our first decision, Causing T Bone to deprive me not only of my right to know but my right to be a father.

Bloggers they are so many men that have gone through this very same scenario. When the choice of being a father is either forced upon them or taken away. What rights do men really have? You get a woman pregnant neither one of you is ready, She wants to keep it and does. Brotha stuck paying child support for the next 18 years. Flipside, She gets pregnant but does not possess the mommy gene. Brotha involved wants to have the baby terribly, but once again he has no say. Its not his body. She gets an abortion. How did this ever become soley the womans choice. Why has society forced men out of this equation.

Can't Let Go

2006-04-18T02:00:00.000-04:00

I remember Clipperman told me last year sometime. " Slish your light is on" I respond " "What the f@ck are you talking about" Clipperman Your light is on man!!! I say " You been licking razor bump cream again ? " Clipperman " Naw. Check it. Its cold outside your only way to get home is a taxi, but every taxi that passes you has a passenger inside. Then a beat up nasssty looking taxi rolls up with its on duty light on, driver speaks no english and the back seat smells like shit, But its cold and you want to get home so you get in. I respond " Yeeeah" Clipperman says" Thats your love life right now. Any chick that you date you'll try and wife them. Why cause your light is on and your just trying to get home" I paused, scratched my head , and respond " SHUT THE F@CK UP!!!!! This from a man who chooses to only date baby mamas.

Friday morning I call Barneys " Good Morning " Barneys" Good morning to you too" I say " We on for this evening" Barneys" We sure are" I say " Great. Pick you up between 5 :30 and 6 pm look cute " Barneys responds " Don't I always " I respond " Always baby. See you then"

4pm my office phone is ringing I answer Shawnla " I see you've been busy " I respond " Excuse me ? Shawnla " Who made the first move " I respond " EXCUSE ME!!! Shawnla " So she pulled Danger out huh " I say " Oooh I get it. The only time you call my ass is when you sense new chocha around me. Your a funny gal. What can I do for you" Shawnla " Oh nothing read that post on your blog figured I would give you a call" I respond " Hmmm So my emails and text messages go unanswered but as soon as you read that you want to call me. Nice!!!!!! Shawnla" Listen I didn't call to argue . Just wanted to see how you were doing" I respond " I'm fine just trying to keep myself out of trouble " Shawnla " Slish do you know why I haven't been calling you ? I say " No, but i'm sure your going to tell me " Shawnla " I feel like your pressuring me sometimes" I respond " Pressuring you!!! How? Shawnla " Your actions" Heeeere we go with the bullshit I respond " Shawnla you've been going through a lot figured I would show you some kindness and support, but I guess you interpret that with me trying to get with you " Shawnla " Maybe you don't realize what your doing sometimes. I mean your clock is ticking right? " I respond " Whatever woman. Listen lets end this conversation. If you want to go through this trial by fire on your own. Fine. I'll respect that. You need me for anything you know where I am. Latuh " I hang up

5:30 pm I pull up in front of Barneys apt and call her " I'm here sweetie" Barneys " I'll be right down " 5 minutes later Barneys comes out of her building. My heart starts to beat really fast. She walks in front of the car. Now it seems like she's moving in slow motion cause my heart is beating even faster. She turns her head, looks at me and smiles. I quickly unbuckle my seat belt. Barneys opens the passenger door and gets in. Barneys says " Hiiiii " she reaches over to my side of the car and we embrace one another. I didnt want to let her go. She must have sensed that cause she hugged me tighter. 2 minutes go by then we decide to separate . As I'm moving my head back I look into those hazel eyes and something comes over me, but its not the Slasher!!! I missed this WOMAN!!!! didn't realize it till that moment. I pull her head gently towards mine, our lips touch , then our tongues start to dance the way they used to.

Our date ended at 12 midnite. You guys can fill in the blanks your damn selves!!!!

Grantlove HOLLA AT YO BOY!!!!!!

Can We Be Friends ?????

2006-04-13T18:15:00.000-04:00

Slishy sometimes when two people are in a relationship. They can be unevenly yoked, but this doesn't mean they can't make it work. In order for it to be long lasting both parties have to meet somewhere in the middle. It takes time. Problem is your generation lacks patience. Direct quote from my pops Slish Sr.

I thought about what my father had said on my way home from work last night. Is it possible for two people to have nothing in common but still find common ground and build a life together. Then my mind flashes across Barneys. I haven't spoken to her since we broke up 2 months ago. Slish wanted to call but the Slasher kept saying " I'm having too much fun right now. I have too many things set up for you to go and f@ck it up by calling her" Slish " I miss her man " Slasher " SO!!! has she called YOU!!! Slish " No" Slasher " Has she sent you an email " Slish " No" Slasher " Then nigga WHY DO YOU WANT TO CALL HER!!!! Slish " I miss her. Just want to make sure things are okay. Its not like we had a bad break up " Slasher " Your an ass. When are you going to learn how to let things go " Slish " I'll do that as soon as you learn how to be more patient and understanding " Slasher " F@ck you !!!! Slish " Whatever i'm calling "

Barneys " Hiiiiiiii what a surprise. To what do I owe this pleasure " I respond" I just wanted to call and see how you're doing." Barneys " I'm doing fiiiiine i've been doing some freelance work with my company, I started reading my poetry again and you? Whats going on with you" I respond " Nothing really. Smacked my car up " Barneys says " I knooooow" HOLD UP!!!! she knows??? Oh SHIT!!! she's been reading the blog ! " I had a dream about you a few weeks ago and decided to take a look at your blog and see whats going on " I respond " Oh really. What else have you read " Barneys giggles " Oh just about everything " HELLL!!!!!!

Figured she would have stopped reading my blog since we're not together anymore. I respond " Everything ? Even the stuff about Shawnla? Barneys " Oh yeah how is that going " I respond " Well if you've been reading you should know how thats going. Listen. I called to say the reason why I have not called you since we broke up is because I needed time to process why things didn't work between us. I was very hurt and didn't want to say something to you I didn't mean" Barneys in this sweet understanding voice " Its okay " Thats when I broke down and said " Baby i've missed you. Despite what you may have read . I think about you daily. I'm out here doing all kinds of crazy shit trying to forget about what we had. Barneys " Slish its ooookay " I respond " Its not okay. I could have reached out to you sooner. Now can I can ask you a question? Barneys says " Yes " I ask " Why haven't you called me? " Barneys " I did call you" I'm puzzled cause not once did she call after the night we broke up. I say " When ? " Barneys " The night we broke up I called you to talk some more and you just dismissed me " Bloggers she did call me. I was so upset I rushed her off the phone. Barneys continues " Slish usually when a couple breaks up. The other party doesn't call them the same night. " She got a point. I respond " So your saying we could have worked this out? Barneys " Who knows, but if you had been more receptive maybe we wouldn't have broken up on Valentines Day " Whoa!!!!!

My stomach is in knots. I didn't expect to hear this. Figured I would call, say a few words , hang up and continue to let the Slasher ruin my love life, but For the next hour Barneys and I continued to have the conversation we should have had the night she called. I say " Barneys can I come and see you tonight? So we can talk " Barneys still in her sweet voice " No Slish" I deepen my voice just a little and say " C mon. I miss you I want to see you" Barneys giggles " No Slish and don't use that voice. I laugh and say " Okay we should at least have dinner" Barneys " Hmmmmm Okay I don't see why two friends can't have dinner" I say " Then its a date. So Barneys after hearing all of this i'm a bit confused and curious , but where do we go from here? Barneys responds " Only God knows that answer Slish "

To Serve and Protect

2006-04-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

I remember the day she was born April 9th 1971. I was 2 years old. My mother brought her home and put her in the crib. I must of thought she was a new toy because I couldn't get enough of her. Back then she had to be heard. Cried so loud my little ass would run to her crib and say " Ooookaaay Its Oooookaaaay " grabbing her little toe while trying to calm my new favorite person down. I wasn't like most 2 years olds who got jealous when a new sibling was brought home. I embraced it. I had someone to finally play with , someone I knew I would have to protect.

Ten years later this newborn turned into a little a firecracker. She had big brains and an attitude to go along with it. I must admit I was a little jealous at first. Every grade I was in she would get there 2 years later, have the same teacher and do waaay better than I did. Hipping my parents to the fact I was a slacker and needed motivation. Which wasn't the case at all. She was just smarter than me end of story.

A year later she gets into her first fight. It was summer time. I was in the kitchen getting something to drink my Mom's ice tea was like gatorade. Anyway I hear this banging on my screen door " Slishy Slishy your sister Stughetto is about to get into a fight" OOOOH KNOOOW!!! Although Stughetto could hold her own with me in the house. I wasn't to sure about her actually having a street fight and winning. I dropped the Ice Tea half finished into the sink and ran out side.

Stughetto and this other little girl about her size are toe to toe. No punches thrown yet just a lot of pushing and shit talk Stughetto says " Im tired of you. WATCHA GONNA DO!!!" then a push. Other little girl " I'm tired of you too WATCHA YOU GONNA DO!!!!!" she pushes Stughetto back reeeeal hard. I see the tears welling up in Stughetto's eyes . Her scare tactic wasn't working and the other little girl was not backing down. Stughetto looks at me I yell out " Do what I been teaching you!!!! BOX HER!!!! BOOOOOX HEEEER!!!!! Stughetto's face gets serious and tight. She balls up both her fists. I yell out again " THATS RIGHT!!!! NOW SHOW HER WHAT YOU GOT!!!!! Stughetto yells out " HOLD UP!!! WAIT!!!! I'll be right back!!! I'm going in my house to get my boxing gloves" WTF!!!! Bloggers we didn't have any boxing gloves. The other little girl looking at me like I Thought So!!! I run behind Stughetto and go inside the house. She's on the couch crying. " Slishy I was scared" I didn't get mad that she embarrassed me in front of the whole neigborhood. Lotta kids saw what happened that day. Rumor was Stughetto had a lot of mouth but nothing to back it up.

When Stughetto and I would fight and i'm talking knock down drag out FIGHTS!!! My father would get soooo upset with me and say Slishy!!! Your not supposed to fight with your sister" My sister standing behind my pops sticking her tongue out at me. I would say " But Daddy she's always starting with me!!!!" Pops " Slishy she's your sister protect her" I followed my dads orders and let the neighborhood kids know immediately!!!! Despite what they heard . F@cking with Stughetto was like f@cking with me. Therefore Stughetto was able to run her mouth without any repercussions.

Today is Stughetto's B- day and I still feel the same way. F@cking with her is like F@cking with me. If someone says " Yo Slish!!! Stughetto just cussed me the F@CK OOOUT !!!!!" My response will be " You probably deserved it nigga!!!!

Stughetto I was placed on this earth to protect you. I don't care how old you get and how any boyfriends you run through. Its my job and no one elses

Love ya sis.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!!!

Let Me At Her !!!!!

2006-04-06T02:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know whats going on, but lately Mr Slish has been getting more attention than Flaaaavor Flaaaav. Ya know what!!! I take that back cause that ain't hard to do. The Women at my job have been giving me a lot of eye and lip service. Too bad they're either married, engaged or in commited relationships. Since i'm not the whore monger I once was and my old ass can't juggle the women the way I used to. I have decided to refrain from any flirting that might potentially get me into a horizontal position. But as usual The Slasher does not agree and has chosen a specific target for his own amusement.

9:15 Monday morning I get a message from Ms Claxy " Good morning Mr Slish just wanted to let you know it is your responsibility to make me smile today" SHIT!!!!!! I quickly delete the message before the Slasher wakes up. He usually lays dormant until noon. Since I believe in Black Love i've been avoiding Ms Claxy. Don't think her fiancee would appreciate my paw prints all over that beautiful ass.

11:50 am my office phone is ringing I pick up " Pt Accts Mr Slish" Ms Claxy seductively says " I love to hear you say that " I look at the clock Whew!! its not noon yet!!! Slasher is still dormant. Gotta make this convo quick before his ass wakes up I respond " Heeeeey its hectic over here. Can I " Ms Claxy cuts me off and says " Why have you been avoiding me? Thought I wouldn't notice ." I respond in this pimp juice voice " Sweetheart I haven't been avoiding you. Its been busy in my dept " HOLD UP!!!! Where the f@ck did that come from !!! I look at the clock ITS 12NOON!!!! THE SLASHER IS AWAKE!!!! " Talk to me baby whats the matter " Aww hell!!!! Ms Claxy " I kicked my fiancee out this weekend" Slasher responds " Why? What happened " Ms Claxy " He talks down to me constantly always trying to make me feel like i'm stupid and then I realized Hey!! this is my apt. I don't have to put up with that shit!!! So I put him out" Slasher " Really. " Ms Claxy " Hell yeah!!! When his ass came home from work I had his shit packed right by the door" Slasher " Whoa" Ms Claxy " Thats why I want you to come and have lunch with me today. I need some cheering up" She needs cheering up!!! What about that nigga!!! Slasher responds " Okay i'll order from the Japanese rest and have them deliver it to your building. Is 1pm good for you " Ms Claxy " Hmmm.. Yeah that sounds good I should be out of my meeting by then" She hangs up

I pull the Slasher to the side and say " Listen nucca don't be starting no trouble with that chick. You know her fiancee gonna be back in that apt before the end of the week. " Slasher qouting Positive K " What that got to do with me " I say " SHE GOT A MAN!!!" Slasher " I ain't trying to hear that G"

1pm I arrive at Ms Claxy's office, knock on the door , but no one answers. Maybe she forgot. So I leave the unit and head back towards the elevator. On my way I see Ms Claxy walking towards me with our food and smiling. We go back to her office and get our grub on. I say " So you speak to your man today" Ms Claxy rolling her eyes responds " I'm not calling him " I say" What if he calls and begs for your forgiveness" Ms Claxy " You obviously don't know my fiancee he can be very vindictive. He won't call me." then she sighs I say " You miss him huh" Ms Claxy " Hell no!! Just should have gotten some dick before I kicked his ass out . I'm so horny. Then Claxy reaches over me to put her empty containers in the garbage. On her way back she manages to grab my right thigh and starts to rub it. As she's rubbing my leg her hand is inching closer and closer to Danger !!!!! Slasher " LET ME AT HER NIGGA!!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! " Ms Claxy i'm easy . I don' t play hard to get. " Ms Claxy responds " No your not " Slasher responds " Yes I am. So if you don't want to end up bent over on your desk, breathing heavily, and whispering Big Daddy Slish in my ear I suggest you step away from Danger " She looks me in the eye, giggles and removes her hand from my thigh. I get up from the chair , pick up my case folder, place it in front of Danger and back out of her office door. Whew!!

4:50 pm Ms Claxy been on my mind all day. That shit in her office turned me on. The Slasher was not to be denied he calls Ms Claxy " Hey you need a ride home" Ms Claxy " Sure where should I meet you " Slasher " Lobby elevator "

My coworker needed a ride home so I dropped her off first. When she gets out of the car Ms Claxy says to me " Slish I don't feel like going home yet. Take me to that place your always telling me about " Slasher is playing her game now and says " What place ? " Claxy " You knooow" Slasher " My place? " Claxy " No that bar you always go to after work on Fridays the one you've been trying to drag me to. Lets go there" Its so easy being greezy I respond " I aims to please" I make a u turn and head for the highway.

We're in the G bar now. I order two Mango Mojitos. Fruity but deadly. Two of those can cause a woman to lick a niggas face. An hour later Claxy is feeling more ambitious . She lays her head on my shoulder and starts to caress my neck and chest. The Slasher returns the favor by rubbing her lower back with his left hand slooowly moving it down inside her pants EUREKA!!! Claxy's lips gently touch my face. I make sure not to turn around. If our lips and tongues should meet Slish might have a BLACK OUT!!!! causing The Slasher to take over completely I say " Time to go " We put on our coats, I pay the bill , and we leave the G bar.

On the way home Claxy and The Slasher decide to play a little slap and tickle. While i'm driving she pulls out Danger!!!! A few words are exchanged. I won't say what they were cause if I do that the ladies reading this post will consider me a braggart and I don't want my boy Venom to get a complex so lets just say shes even more curious now and wants to place Danger in her warm wet climate.

The Slasher has left the Building...