Who's Right Is It ?
1988 I was in love with a sex vixen. Her name T Bone. Back then my slasher persona hadn't surfaced yet. I was innocent and inexperienced. T Bone taught me things about a womans body that turned me into a weapon of pum pum destruction, but those lessons came with a hefty price tag.
"Slish i'm pregnant " I respond " WHAT!!!! HOW!!! T Bone " Slish!!!!!" I say " Okay Okay that was dumb but what we are going to do!!!! T bone teary eyed " Well what do you want us to do ? I respond" We're too young we can't handle this now. " T Bone " But Slish my sister had her son when she was 16 " I respond " And you say that to say What!!!! Your sister has no job, 24 yrs old and looks like she's 40, Can't go back to school because she can't afford a baby sitter your nephew doesn't even know his father , THAT'S THE LIFE YOU WANT!!!!
T Bone crying now " N N No "
2 weeks Later. I pick up T Bone from a clinic in the city. I help her into the car. On the way home she's crying and won't stop. I pull the car over, grab her face, look her in the eyes and say " You will never ever have to go through something like this again. I don't care if I get you pregnant a second time.You will not get another abortion. " T. Bone sobbing " I love you Slish " I hug her and say " I love you too " Our relationship grew stronger after that day. I vowed to myself if T Bone got pregnant by me again. I would be a daddy at 20.
A year later . T Bone and I had broken up for a short period then got back together. One day she calls me at home " Slish can you pick me up from this address? I respond " Sure " I leave my house in Westchester and head for the Bronx. I pull up in front of this building and my Slish sense starts to tingle . T Bone see's my car , comes walking out the building very slowly like she was in some pain. She gets in. I say " What is this place and why are you here? T Bone starts to cry uncontrollably " I I I had another abortion " I say " WHAT!!!! You were pregnant and didn't tell me!!!" T Bone " Slish stop yelling at me !!! I found out when we broke up!!! I say " Why didn't you tell me ? I made a promise to you. Told you that this would never happen again. Unless " T Bone still crying " Unless what ? I say " Unless it wasn't my baby" T Bone " SLISH!!!!! I can't believe you just said that to me !!" I say " Then why would you do something like this without telling me after I made a promise to you. WHY!!!!!! " T Bone " I I don't know. Figured since you werent ready to be a boyfriend same thing would apply in regards to you being a daddy. So I made this appt " I respond " Well you thought wrong!!! That was not your decision to make it was ours. At that very moment I realized I influenced her/our first decision, Causing T Bone to deprive me not only of my right to know but my right to be a father.
Bloggers they are so many men that have gone through this very same scenario. When the choice of being a father is either forced upon them or taken away. What rights do men really have? You get a woman pregnant neither one of you is ready, She wants to keep it and does. Brotha stuck paying child support for the next 18 years. Flipside, She gets pregnant but does not possess the mommy gene. Brotha involved wants to have the baby terribly, but once again he has no say. Its not his body. She gets an abortion. How did this ever become soley the womans choice. Why has society forced men out of this equation.
"Slish i'm pregnant " I respond " WHAT!!!! HOW!!! T Bone " Slish!!!!!" I say " Okay Okay that was dumb but what we are going to do!!!! T bone teary eyed " Well what do you want us to do ? I respond" We're too young we can't handle this now. " T Bone " But Slish my sister had her son when she was 16 " I respond " And you say that to say What!!!! Your sister has no job, 24 yrs old and looks like she's 40, Can't go back to school because she can't afford a baby sitter your nephew doesn't even know his father , THAT'S THE LIFE YOU WANT!!!!
T Bone crying now " N N No "
2 weeks Later. I pick up T Bone from a clinic in the city. I help her into the car. On the way home she's crying and won't stop. I pull the car over, grab her face, look her in the eyes and say " You will never ever have to go through something like this again. I don't care if I get you pregnant a second time.You will not get another abortion. " T. Bone sobbing " I love you Slish " I hug her and say " I love you too " Our relationship grew stronger after that day. I vowed to myself if T Bone got pregnant by me again. I would be a daddy at 20.
A year later . T Bone and I had broken up for a short period then got back together. One day she calls me at home " Slish can you pick me up from this address? I respond " Sure " I leave my house in Westchester and head for the Bronx. I pull up in front of this building and my Slish sense starts to tingle . T Bone see's my car , comes walking out the building very slowly like she was in some pain. She gets in. I say " What is this place and why are you here? T Bone starts to cry uncontrollably " I I I had another abortion " I say " WHAT!!!! You were pregnant and didn't tell me!!!" T Bone " Slish stop yelling at me !!! I found out when we broke up!!! I say " Why didn't you tell me ? I made a promise to you. Told you that this would never happen again. Unless " T Bone still crying " Unless what ? I say " Unless it wasn't my baby" T Bone " SLISH!!!!! I can't believe you just said that to me !!" I say " Then why would you do something like this without telling me after I made a promise to you. WHY!!!!!! " T Bone " I I don't know. Figured since you werent ready to be a boyfriend same thing would apply in regards to you being a daddy. So I made this appt " I respond " Well you thought wrong!!! That was not your decision to make it was ours. At that very moment I realized I influenced her/our first decision, Causing T Bone to deprive me not only of my right to know but my right to be a father.
Bloggers they are so many men that have gone through this very same scenario. When the choice of being a father is either forced upon them or taken away. What rights do men really have? You get a woman pregnant neither one of you is ready, She wants to keep it and does. Brotha stuck paying child support for the next 18 years. Flipside, She gets pregnant but does not possess the mommy gene. Brotha involved wants to have the baby terribly, but once again he has no say. Its not his body. She gets an abortion. How did this ever become soley the womans choice. Why has society forced men out of this equation.
posted by Mr.Slish at
4/20/2006 01:00:00 AM
28 Comments:
I've gotten two women pregnant in my life. They've both had abortions. I was at their mercies both times. I didn't like it, but that's the way it is. The reason I accept it is because carrying a baby is a bitch, and if I had to do it, the Earth would free of my seed forever.
Our contribution, however necessary, is minute in the big scheme. Pregnancy sucks.
KZ
Unfortunately today in age, to much credit is given to women as mothers. Not every woman is born with the innate ability to be a mother or have maternal instincts.
I have seen many a men that are great fathers but the women that they dealt with are ducks. And have isolated them from the experience. Yet they got the upper hand due to our judicial system.
Looking at our recent/past news, alot of women have been killing their children. Or allowed for their (the childs) demise in abusive relationships not at the hand of their biological fathers.
I am pro choice. But some women use their bodies as vessels to "capture men", "for security", "inspite of" and turn out to be horrible mothers.
Yet we do have some brotha's out there willing to step up and take charge. And be fathers.
Why can't some weight be placed on being a father = care giver= nurturer, and not solely a financial provider?
It takes two to tango and what if she has two left feet and can't dance? Yet he can keep her in stride? Who should be the leader?
I am not pro choice. I believe that it depends what the age of the person is at the time. If your to young to do the do and take on the consequences.. don't!
The burden of living with taking a life is long lasting and that resides with the mother.
The man just plants the seed, but she is the one that carries it for 9 months.
She is the deciding factor!
You do who you know and know what your doing!
The birth control pill was approved by the FDA in the 1960s and abortion became legal in the early 1970s...before that, in the condom-only days, just one generation ago, your hot date in the back of your station wagon could become your wife...because if you played you had to pay.
In our parents time, men were forced to marry the women they impregnated and if not she was usually forced to give the child up for adoption or to an out-of-town relative. In other words, men had even LESS choice (less decision making power) before abortion became legal.
Think about the hotest, sluttiest, skankiest, sexual contortionist youve ever been with. Okay, now think about being forced (by societal or family pressure...or her father's gun) to marry her, because you knocked her up.
It is a woman's choice. Its between her and her God. As a man you should thank your God that it is her choice...considering the alternative.
And to co-sign Zed...child support is a b*tch, but it pales in comparison to full term pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing as a single mother...Adam got off easy.
When it boils down to it, the woman has a final say no matter how the guy feels about. It's just the way it is and the way it always will be. To paraphrase Chez, sometimes you pay to play.
You know where I stand. Womens Choice. She has to deal with the day in and day out of carrying, having, and raising that child.
I honestly think the only way a man has a right to be involved in a decision of this magnitude is when the couple is married and there is a permanent bond between the two. If you're just kickin it, or hittin' it, you have no say.. So strap up and make sure you use your own condoms!! I'm tired of hearing " That bitch trapped me" grow up and take responsibility for your own actions...A woman can't MAKE you get her pregnant!
On the other hand, for the ladies out there trying to get guys to impregnate them, stop your shit! I know this is not the majority, but they are out there, so fellas, don't be stupid and always protect yourself...I was stupid....3 times.
Smart once when I got married and had my fourth.
Oh and child support is a bitch, but very necessary. So if you don't want to pay, don't play... Simple as that.
This equation is a result of what's happening in society.
For example, a friend called me the day before yesterday to tell me she was pregnant by her boyfriend who just knew he was infertile, even though the doctor only told him he had a low sperm count. As of her announcement that she was pregnant, dude emphatically stated that he didn't want to be a part of the situation. Just in terms of what I've seen, as I myself haven't been in her position, I told her, "No matter what, just be prepared to go through whatever you decide without him."
It's sad but true that in many instances, claims are made as to how the other party (the male) will react and what they will do, etc., etc., prior to the actual situation coming to "fruition". Once it is revealed that a seed was indeed planted, sometimes demeanors change and people turn into who they were never thought to be.
As hurtful and unfair as the decision is, it can be understandable when a woman decides to take matters (abortion or keeping the baby) into her own hands without consulting the man. I do feel that it can definitely be unfair. However, you just really don't know people these days and how they will actually react and behave over the long-term as opposed to what they say they will do. A child is a lifetime committment. It's scary looking down the line and thinking about all that responsibility on you alone.
J
I like the comments so far. Didn't know what to expect when I wrote this. Keep em coming...
I myself had the same question ("Who's Right Is It ?" )asked to me when it came down to decide whether i should keep the baby i was carrying. At the time he questioned me because he thought it was wrong that i didn't acknowledge his say in it. That is when i had to question him and ask.. What is my life as well as my childs life going to turn out to be? I was 17, in school and yet no future ahead of me. He still couldn't understand but in reality it was I who had to decide for the babys sake as well as mine.
Just as GRANTLOVE stated "She has to deal with the day in and day out of carrying, having, and raising that child".
-V
I am for pro-choice mainly for the reasons already stated, it's the woman ultimately who is MOST affected by this. For many men, the only affects are financial and even then some don't pay so...
I was 19 when I had my first child by my boyfriend of 3 years who begged me not to get an abortion. Guess who raised that child ALL BY HERSELF? I had my second child when I got married. It was a planned pregnancy and things were fine until my daughter was about 2 and my husband decided he couldn't handle the responsibility of being a husband and a father and a homeowner (mind you we had been married for 2 years before we had our daughter). So, once again I was a single parent.
My motto to women now is "Never have more kids than you can afford to take care of by yourself." The two men I had kids with were selfish and has NEVER put their kids first.
I didn't trick either of these men into having kids, nor did I not give them a say. Perhaps, if I had NOT listened to either of them I wouldn't have ended up a single parents to 2 kids.
My son is now 18 years old and expecting a child any day by a 16 year old who purposely got pregnant. Do I blame her? No, because he knew what she was up to and was foolish enough to sleep with her without a condom.
My daughter barely sees her father because he is too busy living his life as if he don't have kids (yes he has an 18 year old son, too). My daughter has self-esteem issues because she thinks it is her fault that her father doesn't spend time with her. As if something is wrong with her.
Slish, I read your blog about being a parent (a few weeks ago I think). I applaud you for the way you feel about being a parent. I believe you would make a great father and I am always happy to meet a black man who is doing the right thng by his kids. Just make sure you do this with a woman who isn't playing games or trying to use her child as a pawn. (I have a story about that too but this is too long already).
You deserve to be in your child's life. There are TOO MANY fathers out here who don't give a damn as it is.
Sorry, guys but this issue is a sensitive one for me.
@ Ondrea WoW!!!! Its been that long since we've spoken. Your son is 18 now!!!
Mr. Slish: I'm new to your blog but I wanted to leave a comment about this particular post:
I think society pushes men out of the keep it/abort it debate because men, in general, have given society the impression that they don't care about women getting pregnant and/or having abortions. Most men, when they meet a woman, the 1st thing they ask is: "Is your tubes tied?" Tubal ligations (tube tying) is not the only form of birth control in the world today. MEN CAN HAVE THEIR "TUBES" TIED, TOO. But very few men (or maybe I could be wrong) will consider having a vasectomy because they think it emasculates them; disrespects their "seed". So, if a woman gets pregnant, they either care or they don't care. But I get the impression they don't care because hey, "its the woman's body to do as she pleases." That's the lie society perpetuates in the minds of men.
Abortion IS NOT a form of birth control and repetitive pregnancy terminations is absolutely perverse! And men, when they get a woman pregnant "unwantedly", and nine months later she keeps the baby, what does the man do? He turns tail and run for the hills.
I have never come across a man, in my lifetime, who was pro-life. Why is that? Because men really just wanna "play" and not ever have to "pay". Because if there was a man on the face of the Earth who was pro-life, you know how many children he'd have in the world, probably by many different women?
And most women who have had abortions have probably done so because either the man has said he don't want the baby, or the woman has said to herself that she doesn't want to have any ties with a man she doesn't see herself with in the long run. They don't have abortions because they can't afford to take care of a child, because EVERY child in this world CAN and WILL be taken care of and provided for - in some kind of way, and women should just stop telling themselves and believing that lie - and it IS a lie!
Birth control should not just be a worry and issue for the woman; it should be for the man, too. And if there is a man on the earth who will walk away from his children, he had better stop and think before he does it because if he did walk out, and force the mother to have to look elsewhere for companionship, the father of the child(ren) had better realize that by walking out on his child(ren) he has potentially handed his offspring over to every child molester, child rapist, child abuser, what-have-you, that may come into his child(ren's) lives under the guise of "momma's new boyfriend".
It's really all quite simple. If you don't see yourself becoming a parent anytime soon, get on birth control pills AND use a condom. These unexpected pregnancies come about as a result of irresponsible behavior. It
If two unmarried people get pregnant then the decision about the baby is the woman's. There is no guarantee that a man who is not committed to you forever is going to be committed to a child forever (even though it is his child). It's probably safe to make the assumption that the father WILL NOT be there. It's sad but true. If we had more experience with and exposure to a higher number of good, black dads than we do awful, black sperm donors, then women would probably make their decisions according to a different set of norms. (Yes, I did throw "black" into the equation and for obvious reasons).
Wow everyone has some great view on this. I applaude you men for your straight forwardness on this topic. All I have to say Slish is that I hope you now "dress appropriatly when going fishin."
WOW...I am always amazed when I hear brothas come with the truth and I admire your honesty and willingness to share your story.
It really does suck for men in situations like this cause at the end of the day they goin pay either way.
...I have never been in this situation where I had to decide (thank God) but my parents were 17 when they had me and my Dad was on his way to college on football scholarship...he was so not ready for a child but my Moms said she couldn't get rid of me...she just couldn't do it (she knew I'd become a legend LOL!) My Dad didn't try to change her mind but he was hoping like hell that there was some way out of it...Sorry Royce, NONE TO BE FOUND and her I is :-) As you know from my blog, my Daddy is my everthing to me (I'm such a Daddy's Girl). That's because this experience forced him to step outside of his selfishness and become a wonderful father and that took some time but eventually he got the hang of it---and I swear I got the best Daddy on he planet. He was thrown for a loop but he didn't let that stop him...he went on to college and ended up getting drafted to the NFL. A baby didn't destroy him, in fact he says it was the one reason he knew he had to succeed. Tragedy into Triumph!!! (Although he hates to think of me as a tragedy...except when I get in those pockets and I do that regularly...LOL!!)
My point is the life is all reactionary to the decisions we make. When we acknowledge the part we play in life....instead of running from it...we can sometimes find a blessing even in the most difficult situations. The men who realize this become men of honor, like my father, and the ones who don't become losers...losing the chance to share in a life they created (which is such a blessing)
I am and have always been Pro-Life and maybe that is because if it wasn't for Moms conviction I wouldn't be here...but I realize everyone doesn't have my story and I try to respect that.
I don't stand in judgement and I am humbled by the candid perspectives shared by the brothas on this blog.
This one was a winner, thanks for sharing!!!
Oh and not saying your a loser...referring to the men who have kids but roll out on them.
Just wanted to be clear...LOL!!
Yes, its a double edged sword, but Zed is right. Men don't have to be pregnant, therefore its not their body to make the decision...
The only person that will "have to be there" is the woman, the man can and sometimes will leave when shit gets to rough.
this discussion sounds so familiar....seems like i was discussin this same topic at work. First of all let me just say I applaud any man who is willing to support & be there for their children throught their lives & not just for financial reasons. But unfortunately this is the way society have the system set up. Its crazy that the men who want to be there for their kid(s) get stuck w/ crazy baby mommas & the good women who are willing to let the man be apart of the kids life is missing in action......its just comes down to a society that doesnt want to teach people to be responsible.
I am Pro-Choice all the way. Unfortunately, society has changed and a man is not bound to a woman because she is the mother of his child. The typical man (and many women) today is carefree and wants to be independent of many responsibilities. With that being said, many women don't want to go through the toil of being single mothers or trying to fight for child support and fighting to have a man spend time with his children. Generally speaking, the woman bears the bigger burden, which is why the decision ultimately lies with her. It may not be fair or ideal. But, who ever said life was fair?
Abortion is not a contraceptive. But, it's one of society's evils that will always be around until people (men and women) begin to take parenthood seriously.
I am pro-choice because I am a Black woman and I dont trust the US government, or the church, with my body or my family. (reference the Tuskegee Experiment)
However, I am also someone who is diagnosed infertile in a family of women who sneeze and come up with twins. I would love to get pregnant 'by accident' or any other way. I have cousins in the south who are waiting for their 21st birthday to get their tubes tied-sponsored by the government (covered by medicaid). They are in their late teens and cannot imagine a world where they may get older, finish school, have a legal job and a legal husband. In their world, pregnancy and motherhood equals years of physical and emotional pain and poverty. Bad thing about it, at my age, and even with my education, I cant tell them that they are wrong. Professional women with educations and investment portfolios are fired and demoted everyday, due to pregnancy discrimination on the job.
I dont think anyone should be forced to carry a baby to term if they dont want to...but I also think that if she decides to do so, she and her child should get the support she needs, from the child's father, from our community and from us.
Slish says..."How did this ever become soley the womans choice. Why has society forced men out of this equation."
I think the only time a man truly should have a say is if he's the woman's husband (or equivalent) . Raising kids is not something you leave to chance, on some, 'oh maybe he'll stick around and be a daddy'...esp if you know he wouldn't have been sticking around if you're legs weren't open.
Yo Slish, this is a hot topic right here playboy and alot people get mad over Pro Life / Pro Choice. I'm glad I do not have to make that decision. But on some real shit, its not the man's choice to make. We just have to deal wit whatever decision the woman makes. STRAIGHT UP...
The only leg men have to stand on is a paternity test. And we all know that's a woman's worst nightmare... She' scream'n you are my baby's daddy and I'm scream let's check the results of the blood test. No paperwork is signed until I'm 99.9% sure me and junior are identical. Unless I'm married.
Ondrea said: My motto to women now is "Never have more kids than you can afford to take care of by yourself."
Amen to that, I use the same motto. A man can always, always walk away before a mother can. Think about how you feel when you hear a mother "abandoned" her children.. left the poor man with three kids and just left..He's probably got 16 different women ready to move in and play mommy. But when a man leaves a women with three children... hmmm.. not the same reaction. Why is that?
I became a single mother at age 22, my sons father knew I wasn't on birth control, we both knew I could get pregnant, and when I did.....his reaction was... eeeerrrrrrkkkk.. stop the bus.. wait.. I didn't mean it.
Subsequently 10 years later my son sees his father once every 2,3,4 years...and has only met "his" family just this last year. He has uncles he has never met and a brother and sister he doesn't know.
So here I am, raising a young black man by myself. Ideal? Nope. That's why I only have one.
If I get married before my fertile years are gone and we want to have children, we will embrace it and celebrate it. And if not, I have one beautiful young man that will be a respectable, charming and responsible black man one day.
Men & Women: PLEASE be responsible for yourselves. These days, pregnancy is not the biggest of your worries.
Once that life has begun inside a woman's body, it is ultimately her decision whether she continues the pregnancy or not. The man has a 'hand' in getting her pregnant and he has to live with the consequences, whether they be emotional or financial, just like she has to. We carry the babies, and dem's the breaks. Even if you are married, it doesn't give you jurisdiction over a woman's body. You don't want to be a mother or a father? Take the necessary precautions. It's a no-brainer.
Just like Knockout, I've gotten two women pregnant and they both had abortions. Neither one of them told me until it was over. They knew that regardless of what my situation was I would not have wanted them to have abortions. To this day I still think about what could have been. I know my life would be totally different, but I would have loved to find out.
2 sides of a flip coin.
unfortunately, men weren't created to be the bearers of children. they're the planters of the seeds. once the seed has planted, the woman's body will handle the rest.
not saying that u shouldn't have been informed. b/c u should've known what your sperm did. but,ultimately, the woman is responsible for maintainance of her body. and the man is responsible for the planting of his seeds.
men gotta pay close attention to their soldiers that run rapid thru the fallopian tubes of their sex partners.
because the sperm is always looking to seek and penetrate an egg. and make a baby. that's their duty in this universe.
peace, love and balance
Wait a muthafuckin' minute...her name was T Bone? Getdafuckouttahere!
KZ
I know I'm late but damn this one really hit me in the gut, no pun intended. abortion is such a tricky subject. I am pro life because life is vital it's how each one of us got here, but I'm also pro choice because unfortunately not everyone makes for a good parent and sometimes people know they won't make good parents.
I had a procedure without telling me long term college boyfriend and it broke his heart. it's years later and neither of us have kids and he feels like that was our chance and that I blew it without giving him a chance...it's a slippery slope and years later it still hurts!
Great frigging post!
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