Why Can't I Cry
I just read Royce's most recent post. Barneys called me after she read it and told me she had tears in her eyes. Royce you cannot imagine how much that story moved me and how it has caused me to re-evaluate the emotions I would encounter if I lost a family member, a dear friend or the woman I call my future.
Don't get me wrong I have lost friends and family members close to me and some not so close. I'm going to be honest. I've never grieved the way a person that loves someone should. Somehow my psyche will not allow me to show that kind of emotion.
A Childhood friend of mine I grew up with from I was a weee bitty lad. Both he and his brother are the reason I am addicted to porn till this very day was killed in a horrible auto accident. I didn't cry when my mom called me at work, or at the funeral or when I went to his parents house to give my condolences. I was the rock of Gibralter. No tears. No tears at all.
Think I've conditioned myself to be this way and I don't like it. I know I feel the pain of losing someone dear to me, but somehow I can't express it the way other people do. When my Dads mother and father died I never went to the funeral. Both were in Jamaica but thats no excuse I should have gone and paid my respects to the two individuals responsible for my existence. Instead I made up bullshit excuses about not wanting take time away from my job. That hurt my dad deeply. He has never spoken to me about it but I know how he felt.
Lately i've been thinking about "what if my parents died" already i've started to desensitize myself from it. Only thinking about "If My dad goes first I will have to move in with my mom because without him she would be lost. If my mom goes Stughetto and I would probably have to sell the house because Pops would never live there without her. Those are the thoughts going through my mind.
My problem I think ? Is that I don' respect death the way I should. I have desensitized myself because of the fear that I won't be able to get over the pain. Fear that I am never going to see this person again. Fear that whatever goals I have set forth for myself will come to a screeching halt because of my loss. I wish to the core of my SOUL!!! I wasn't built like this. But those are the cards I have been dealt. My sweetie says its because i've never lost anyone dear to me. I pray to the powers that be that she's right. Because if I lost her I want my first thought to be " What am I going to do now ? "
Thank You Royce
Don't get me wrong I have lost friends and family members close to me and some not so close. I'm going to be honest. I've never grieved the way a person that loves someone should. Somehow my psyche will not allow me to show that kind of emotion.
A Childhood friend of mine I grew up with from I was a weee bitty lad. Both he and his brother are the reason I am addicted to porn till this very day was killed in a horrible auto accident. I didn't cry when my mom called me at work, or at the funeral or when I went to his parents house to give my condolences. I was the rock of Gibralter. No tears. No tears at all.
Think I've conditioned myself to be this way and I don't like it. I know I feel the pain of losing someone dear to me, but somehow I can't express it the way other people do. When my Dads mother and father died I never went to the funeral. Both were in Jamaica but thats no excuse I should have gone and paid my respects to the two individuals responsible for my existence. Instead I made up bullshit excuses about not wanting take time away from my job. That hurt my dad deeply. He has never spoken to me about it but I know how he felt.
Lately i've been thinking about "what if my parents died" already i've started to desensitize myself from it. Only thinking about "If My dad goes first I will have to move in with my mom because without him she would be lost. If my mom goes Stughetto and I would probably have to sell the house because Pops would never live there without her. Those are the thoughts going through my mind.
My problem I think ? Is that I don' respect death the way I should. I have desensitized myself because of the fear that I won't be able to get over the pain. Fear that I am never going to see this person again. Fear that whatever goals I have set forth for myself will come to a screeching halt because of my loss. I wish to the core of my SOUL!!! I wasn't built like this. But those are the cards I have been dealt. My sweetie says its because i've never lost anyone dear to me. I pray to the powers that be that she's right. Because if I lost her I want my first thought to be " What am I going to do now ? "
Thank You Royce
posted by Mr.Slish at
9/06/2006 04:00:00 AM
28 Comments:
what a blessing that our writing is. Royce's Daughter's post was so emotional I couldn't even comment, but maybe because that's cuz i've lost loved one.
Buried a sister, a Grandmother, a dear friend...well a few dear friends. In one year I lost 7 people.
i too think of my parents morality and mostly i just realize that i don't want to bury my parents with no one by my side.
i try my very best to love them my very best, and pray that i outlive them because it's un-natural for parents to bury their kids.
be blessed, enjoy your love, live life to the fullest..
Baby , I Love You.
I know that I called you on some ole emotional shyt after reading Royce's blog.
That had me crying and I will be for days.. but...
I don't want to see the day that I exist without you! You are my lifeline, phone a friend, my 50/50.
Man I am crying all over again!
I Love you...
My mother got hit by a car three years ago. When I got that phone call I thought it was over. I broke down right there on Fulton Street. For that split second that I imagined life without my mother I was no good at all. I would have done anything to have switched places with her that day. I am so thankful that God spared her life that day, and has allowed her to still maintain all of her facilities, despite going one on one with a pickup truck. That was one of only two times that I actually cried over someone . . . at least until last night when I read Royce's post . . .
Mr. Slish...from the strip club to a heartfelt post.
With my mom being sick this last month, I had to face the "what if's" and it wasn't pretty.
All we can do is enjoy the people we love and tell tham how much they mean to us. Live life with no regrets.
"Both he and his brother are the reason I am addicted to porn till this very day"...I know this was a serious post but that was the funniest shyt I've read all week LMAO!!! Slish you always put a spin on your work and that is why I love it so much!!!
As for my post. I thank you from the depths of my soul for your kind words of encouragement and support. ALL OF YOU!!! I never thought that people would respond this way...in fact I don't really know what I expected, I just felt that it was time to write about it since writing is my passion and he is my inspiration.
It's wierd because often times when you talk about your relationship with Barney's I get a little sad because I remember what it feels like to feel that good about someone else and at the same time I find myself extremely happy because I know how wonderful that feeling is for you both. I pray to the Most High that you guys will always have it...the force is strong with you two LOL!!! But seriously, what you guys share is so rare that when you find it you have to hold on to it, fight for it...whatever it takes...it's that important, not just for you two but to so many of us who believe in what you have and want to see it grow into becoming the fullness of Love that God has planned for you both.
Despite what I go through on a daily basis...just to get up and find the strength to live without that love that was so dear to me...despite all that, I have no regrets. Life is only a short time...but what is given after death is eternal. I believe that is where I will find the other half of my soul. Until then I'll find the peace in whatever the Most High has planned for me. He's already blessed me with a wonderful group of people I now consider friends (Slish and Barneys...and so many others)...TRULY!!
I've received everyone's emails and I intend to write you all back (and to call those who left numbers) as soon as I am able to swallow all of this. This was a difficult work, but worth every tear shed. With every breath in my body I say Thank You...Thank You for being there to listen and love without judgement...YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!
To those who haven't read...that's Ok too, just humor me for one more sec (sorry my comment ended up being so long)...
I know we'ver heard it all before but it is my experience so I know how true the statement really is..."Life is NOT promised to anyone" so please stop taking the blessing of Love for granted. What you have been given today will eventually be gone away...that is a certainty. If you Love it, cherish it, work for it, and give it your very best. If you do I promise you that in the end...whenever that may be...you too will have no regrets!!!
Blessings...
Roycee
Thanks for sharing this, Slishy. I am feeling this one.
I find myself playing the "what if" game too. I pray (more like beg) daily that the Lord will allow my parents, my sisters, my husband and kids to live long lives. I CANNOT bear the thought of living without them. I make my husband swear to me that he won't die and leave me. I know that sounds crazy but he understands my fits of paranoia (LOL).
I know exactly how you feel, man.
Take care and continue to live hard and love hard.
Everybody grieves differently, based on culture, age, cause of death. Just because you dont pass out, scream or cry, doesnt mean that you didnt feel deep loss and grief when your people passed away.
I didnt cry at my Grandma's funeral because I had to be strong for my mom and sisters. I miss her everyday and she is with me. I look in the mirror and I see her in me. But at the funeral, I had to hold it in for about two hours so I could drive and arrange to get my family through it, so I did.
When I think about my parents passing, I think of the logistics as well, maybe its some kind of avoidance or denial, but we are notorious in my family for lack of estate planning...My Grandma and her sister didnt speak for twenty years because of what happened when my greatgrandma passed!
Bottom line, everybody grieves differently.
I am worried that when my parents die (especially my mother) that I won't be able to go on. My best friend lost her father this year and watching her go on with her life has been amazing. She breaks down at times, but for the most part she's moving on and it amazes me. I think I would still be lying in bed crying. Great post.
Death... Wow, what a crazy topic to discuss.. I remember it like yesterday when I got the phone call that my dad had passed. I felt very empty inside. It was like time stood still that day. At the funeral, I felt like I was going to pass out. I could not catch my breath. Everything was moving so fast. It was like my whole life had flashed before me. Shyt, it took me like six months to a year to recover and I still shed a tear when I'm in my pops crib. But I can talk about it now, because I've realized it's a part of life and I have to accept it. However, there will always be a void when a love one passes and things will never be quite the same.
At the end day, the real question is this. ARE YOU DYING TO LIVE OR ARE YOU LIVING TO DIE???? THINK ABOUT IT...
I lost it when my maternal grandma passed. I was so close to her. In spite of the ups and downs in our lives, I still talk to my mom daily. I am praying I can be strong when the time comes. Because we all know it is not IF the time comes, but when.
For some reason I think about death a lot. I talk about it a lot. I always say I think I am going to die in a car accident. I tell my family how I want my burial to be...Actually they are sick and tired of me thinking about it all of the time.
My worst fear is that hubby dies, I can cry just thinking about it. So at times I wish I could become a little more ok with death, but I find at times the thought of death consumes me...
Addicted to PORN!!!! LOL! Me too...
Holla!
Not going to respond to everyone because you all have different perspectives on death and have had various experiences with it. Lets just say Its is a scary mofo! I hide my grief behind my silence. Not going to do that anymore...:)
@ Royce. Barneys says you get to sit in the front row HInt Hint..lol..OOps did I let that slip
Hey! I know this is unrelated but do I have to have a site on here to post a pic? I love the baby pics that people share. They are sooo cute!
Also, all of you porn addicts, let a sistah know where the really good websites are! I love that stuff, too.
Ok now I'm beyond excited!!! I got your message loud and clear Slishy...Ooooooh!! I can't wait. Ok lemme start getting myself ready...what am I going to wear, gotta get my hair done, Ok this is going to be the event of all events. I'm so happy...proud...honored!!! You guys gone make me cry LOL!!!
you are getting married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stop playing slish...fa real?!?!?! Barneys....is he fa real????
Hey when my dad died back in 1995, I was too busy planning the services to cry or even really grieve. It was until months later that I was having quiet moment with my mom that it hit me that my dad was gone.
He Has Not Proposed! , I think we scared eachother off with "our" preliminary wedding invite list... Geezzzzz about 300!
But whenever the time comes, it comes... I already met him and stopped looking!
That's my FUTURE!
Thank you for your good wishes.
I totally understand the strength element...
I have always had to be the strong one so I
am emotionally dry too- which is REALLY weird for
"the woman". I think it is because I too don't know if I
could face the pain. This was a GREAT post,
and when I stop being lazy I'm going to add you to my roll and stop going to Zed or Miss Ahmad's page to get here!
I have a close girlfriend who lost both her mother and father to long and suffering cancer. But whenever she talks about them it's always with laughter and rememberance of good times. She is my role model for how I want to be able to handle death. I've got the strenght to do what has to be done, but I want the strength to focus on the blessing of having that person and not on the sadness of not having them anymore.
The death of a loved one is always hard to take. We all grieve in our own individual ways. When someone close to me passes away, I don't shed tears. I just give God praises that He shared this person's life with me and I was honored to have had that person's presence in my life.
I've never lost anyone close to me.....then again I have...
...it didn't too much affect me...I just wish every now and then, that I had my grammy here still.
...yet, I think if I lost my daddy... *why am I tearing up as I think about my daddy gone*... I think my world would stop.
...and if I lost the boys...my life would cease to exist.
I know that it's life...it's the end to our journey... I have no fear of death myself...but all I have in this world... are those 3 men.
*ok...why I gotta go re-apply my mascara and shit because you and RD feel the need to write emotional shit....dammit! lol*
I haven't read Royce's post but I will...
I haven't lost anyone dear to me...which is why I haven't cried over death...
Wait, I cried when Aaliyah died...
I hate thinking about death because its something we can't control....I think GOD knows I am not strong enough to deal with it right now with someone close to me, because I would be in shambles...as if my life isn't there already...
For my sake, I would rather go before anyone I truly care about...so I won't have to grieve, then at the same time, I wouldn't want them grieving so its a catch 22....
I try to desensitize myself as you do, but I can't...not at all, just the thought makes me shiver...
I wouldnt wish that feeling on anybody. ITs teh worst feeling in the world. ANd true its not the same as losing a parent, a sibling, a friend. Just make sure your loved ones know that each day they are loved. I try not to think about it. the woulda's,coulda's,shoulda's. But i have learned alot about self and life nad love.
BTW....you have been tagged
http://www.mznewagenda.blog-city.com/books_books_books.htm
I don't think you're alone in your struggle to express emotions. I know many, many men who can't bring themselves to cry when something tragic happens. I think it's sad! Men are allowed and expected to express all kinds of emotions...especially anger and frustruation but when it comes to sadness, they draw a blank and don't feel comfortable expressing that emotion.
I hope you don't let things build up too much, it can't be good for you. If you ask me, many of the problems in this world stem from men ONLY being comfortable expressing anger and never dealing with their sadness.
Nice Post Slish!
Many people grieve in different ways. You shouldn't feel guilty because your process is different from that which is typical or expected. I personally agree with Barneys; once you lose someone truly important, it'll affect you differently. I hadn't cried in years because it's just not something I do. And then my grandma passed away, and that record was wiped clean. But don't expect it, don't criticize yourself for it. You're entitled to your own process
Ok I had to stop reading these comments. I've never had anyone really really close to me die. And I'm not afraid of death, as in for me but I've had family members like great aunts and uncles. I felt a sense of lost and cried but not that I can't go on without them feeling. Even when my mom told me my "father" died (which she didn't find out until months after he died) I felt nothing. No sense of lost because I had absolutely no relationship with him. He never acknowledged me. But when I think about my mom, my grand mom, sister and nephews I can't bare it. I think it was mznewagenda who said something about her maternal grand mother and I immediately stopped reading. My strong, common sense, logical side of me says that I'll be able to handle it. I've always had control over my emotions. But this is scares me because I really have no idea of how to handle it. I've thought about how I would react when/if I get that fatal call about someone close to me dying. I think I will just curl up in a fetal position. What if it really breaks me, what if I can't go on, what if I have a nervous break down. I know it's inevitable and I think me imagining how I would react is my way of staying in control. I feel like I need to go home to see my family. Awww I miss them!
Awww I know it's a little premature but CONGRATULATIONS BARNEYS and SLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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