Virus
Through out the years i've tried to be as honest as I can possible be without alienating my girlfriends, boys and family. I've been told my kind of honesty can sometimes be brutal and unwarranted. My boys accept this personality trait, my family members just ignore me, and the women in my life can't take it at all.
There was a time I thought I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship because of it. So after my last failed attempt at obtaining the white picket fence I decided to go to a therapist. After a few sessions she pretty much told me " Slish there's really nothing wrong with you. You just need to listen before you make any assumptions about anyones situation." So I took that advice and started out on my new journey to find happiness.
1 yr 1/2 and two or three romantic mishaps later I meet Barneys. Great personality , extremely attentive, and beautiful. I say to myself " This is it Slish. Make this happen by becoming completely focused on the task at hand. So I dig deep and started to put the work in. It was hard at first. Barneys was and is very independant. My attempts to make her feel comfortable and safe went unnoticed, but I wouldn't give up. I pressed on and somehow broke through that impenetrable shield. Months later we're in romantic Bliss. I've fallen for her and she has finally fallen for me. I get comfortable and the honesty part of my personality decides to rear its ugly head. He comments on a few of Barneys personality traits and all of sudden her shield started to repair itself while at the same time pushing me out.
That didn't deter me from this new love I had. I would not let this obstacle keep me from having one house, two cars and one name. But the damage had already been done. Barneys shield had fully repaired itself and had made some modifications. I was only allowed in if I kept the Honesty virus out. So I went out and got me a vaccine for it. Only thing after taking it. I started to have side effects like irritability, hurtful thoughts, resentment and somtimes contempt .
I hid the side effects well. Barneys never picked up on it. So much that when I accidentally slipped it caught her totally by surprise. Adding tension to an already extremely tight rope.
Eventually we stopped communicating. Yeah. We said the occasional I love you and stuck to our usually routine, but after a year of being together I felt like I didn't know the person I was in love with and she didn't know the man that loved her so deeply. This kind of silence can be unbearable.What made matters worse. I became immune to The Honesty Vaccine. I eventually had a relapse and started to address the very things that threatened the existence of our relationship. Barneys broke down because of it. Crushing her spirit and changing both our lives forever.
I guess Love is unconditional, but relationships come with conditions.
There was a time I thought I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship because of it. So after my last failed attempt at obtaining the white picket fence I decided to go to a therapist. After a few sessions she pretty much told me " Slish there's really nothing wrong with you. You just need to listen before you make any assumptions about anyones situation." So I took that advice and started out on my new journey to find happiness.
1 yr 1/2 and two or three romantic mishaps later I meet Barneys. Great personality , extremely attentive, and beautiful. I say to myself " This is it Slish. Make this happen by becoming completely focused on the task at hand. So I dig deep and started to put the work in. It was hard at first. Barneys was and is very independant. My attempts to make her feel comfortable and safe went unnoticed, but I wouldn't give up. I pressed on and somehow broke through that impenetrable shield. Months later we're in romantic Bliss. I've fallen for her and she has finally fallen for me. I get comfortable and the honesty part of my personality decides to rear its ugly head. He comments on a few of Barneys personality traits and all of sudden her shield started to repair itself while at the same time pushing me out.
That didn't deter me from this new love I had. I would not let this obstacle keep me from having one house, two cars and one name. But the damage had already been done. Barneys shield had fully repaired itself and had made some modifications. I was only allowed in if I kept the Honesty virus out. So I went out and got me a vaccine for it. Only thing after taking it. I started to have side effects like irritability, hurtful thoughts, resentment and somtimes contempt .
I hid the side effects well. Barneys never picked up on it. So much that when I accidentally slipped it caught her totally by surprise. Adding tension to an already extremely tight rope.
Eventually we stopped communicating. Yeah. We said the occasional I love you and stuck to our usually routine, but after a year of being together I felt like I didn't know the person I was in love with and she didn't know the man that loved her so deeply. This kind of silence can be unbearable.What made matters worse. I became immune to The Honesty Vaccine. I eventually had a relapse and started to address the very things that threatened the existence of our relationship. Barneys broke down because of it. Crushing her spirit and changing both our lives forever.
I guess Love is unconditional, but relationships come with conditions.
posted by Mr.Slish at
12/04/2006 01:35:00 PM
45 Comments:
wow. I can totally relate to "the virus" since I have it to. Only I took a virus pill daily and it worked but it caused me to become distant from the person I was with. I feel your pain slish!
I hope this post ain't sayin' what I think it's sayin'.
Dude, call me when you get a chance.
KZ
I'm with Zed...I don't want to jump to conclusions and possibly over a cliff so I will wait for clarification.
I'm sorry to hear this. It's sad when things don't work out, especially after having put so much work forth in what you thought you'd finally learned was a healthy fashion. But, when it comes down to it, the best thing we can do is take the lesson as a blessing and use it for later. You shouldn't have to change who you are to make a relationship work. Compromise, yes. But, if you're the "call it like I see it" outspoken individual, know that there are women out there who aren't phased by it.
*huggs* Keep your head up, luv.
...?
@ Joy..So can we start a support group..lol
@ Zed...Its is what it is.
@ Newy Things are never truly clear now are they..:)
@ Bz Thank you for the support. I will be fine...:)
@ Blah That right there is the story of my life....?????????
I understand and I'm sorry. I've been where Barneys is and it's a tough place to be.
Oh no...say it ain't so! I really hope things work out. It sounds like you two are/were really great together.
I'm so sorry to hear this, Slish. I think my brutal honesty is also a reason for my singleness, but I am who I am. Someone will love me for it one day, I hope.
Honesty without discretion causes you to be alone. You really dont have to say everything to everybody all the time. My baby sister and a couple close friends are Taurus(es) so I can say, yall are very honest, but most of you have no f*cking tact whatsoever.
You have to strike a balance, Snookums...be honest enough so that you dont catch hives, headaches and nervous tics in your eyelid
...but be tactful enough so you dont lose all your friends and your HunnyBunny.
I dont know her zodiac sign, but if she is a Cancer like me, she will be shut down until she feels safe enough to come back out...or whenever she feels good and d*mn ready!
You all in love and whatnot so I know youll figure it out.
So Sorry to hear this Slish - but does this mean that the entire "Keep It Real" perspective should be PUT OUT TO PASTURE - since folks don't really want to hear what a person may have to say.
If you can't look at your mate for who they are not just the glossed over romantic version - is that the person who would like to speak the truths problem OR the person who can't handle the truth.
Really in 2006 actually the end of 2006 - has the total febreze effect taken over and nobody's shit stanks?
Personally the person I'm with has to be able tos ay "Pam I'm really not feeling xyz". That's real.
I'm have to agree with Chezniki.. You can be honest without being brutal, even though I know you mught not interpret it as being brutal. Don't loose your love over "style points". Is there room for compromise on both sides.
And .. To Barney's if you're reading. Girl don't lose your man because he has diarrhea of opinions. The love of my life is the same way, brutally honest. And we're back after 20 years apart! So do like I do, when he says something just a little too cutting, just tell him "Shut the Fuk-up"!!!! In a loving way of course.
Slish WTF!!! I guess I speaka spanish now...no make that german or russian or some very foreign shyt like that.
I don't even know where to begin. But just remember. Sometimes it has to be from the rock bottom and then up and NOT the other way down. We're all fuked up in some way shape or form but we do the best that we can to find the commonalities through our flaws. It's painful...this love shyt. and sometimes we gotta let it go just to realize how very important it is to us. Sometimes we find ourselves to be a help to the ones we love and other times a hinderance (an enabler if you will). But love doesn't die because the relationship does...sometimes it is that very same love that speaks life back into those relationships we've grown to cherish and that which you sought will return to you more polished, more open, more ready then it ever was before.
As for your vomit mouth...well I think it is imprtant to recognize that if in a relationship you come to a crossroads and you find that you don't easily recognize the person you've become because you're constantly compromising yourself and your values for another...well that just isn't fair to you or the other person. Honesty is the cornerstone of all realtionships...even when being honest hurts you or the person your being honest with. If you can't be completely honest then you're not being true to anyone. I agree that how we are honest is important but what is equally as important is that we don't become so compromised that we have to hide what we really feel to make someone else feel good about themselves.
Give "B" what she needs right now to work thorugh some of her feelings...and don't forget that loving from a distance is still love. I believe in you two...always have. I know you both have fiesty personalities and that we probably always be a challenge in your relationship, but that doesn't mean the challenge isn't worth it. And if in the end loving from a distance is all you guys have, be thankful for the memories that God allowed you to create with one another...those are eternal!!!
Sorry I typed so much you know I can be long winded when I am passionate about something. You got my # so you betta use it! Ain't nothing changed...after 7pm I'm all ears *wink*
Give her and yourself some time & talk later. Sometimes perspective from a distance is necessary. Being honest is not a bad thing, as my mom always told me "It is not about being right or wrong it is about how you said it". *sigh* I have to catch my mouth sometimes too, unless I am pissed or feel wronged, then oh well! I understand your position. I agree you should be who you are, that should not change because who you are with should love you for you, faults and all. Communicating how you feel is important and not honestly doing so can be more damaging than anything else. Silence, omission, or brutal honesty can sometimes be used as manipulation to get what you want too though. I have been on both sides of that coin. Keep being you, it will all work out.
What in the hell is going on in the world! Every Blog I turn to (including mine) Another One has Bitten The Dust! WTF!
I think that people should be able to be who they are. I think that sometimes behaviors need to be modified, but not if it changes the essence of who you are. Which it sounds like was happening here. I only say that because you became resentful.
As BZ said, there is someone out there that will love you for your honesty and at the same time you'll WANT to be more tactful to spare their feelings. It's all about the right two people connecting
***Huggs***
it ain't over 'till it's over...relationships take twists and turns. i am sure you know this better than i.
i am also a firm believer that the tongue can be a sword. i have talked myself outta more good shit than i care to admit because what i condsidered to be honesty was also a defense mechanism that i used to keep my own shield in tact.
that may or may not be you, but if it is, ask yourself what it's getting you.
Slishy...you always have a penchant for telling stories with surprise endings and unforeseen twists... and I sincerely hope this is only part 1 of this saga.
Slish...sorry to hear this. Are you okay?
Okay, I read this twice because I just knew there was gonna be a funny punchline at the end???? No funny punchline and I don't believe this is the end either.
I understand your position because I am often described as too outspoken. Most people can't take a "call it as I see it" personality. You can be honest but try to say it nicely and sometimes that works and sometimes that does not work. Some people don't want you to be straight with them they want to hear what they want to hear. What do you do?
I think Barneys knows how you feel about her and that you would never intentionally do or say anything to hurt her. You have certainly done nothing wrong by being you. If you change who you are to make someone else happy, then who is it they love, you or the person they want you to be? Hmmm?
Give her some time. I believe she will realize that that's just who you are and that your words are not meant to be hurtful, just insightful. Maybe you two can talk about ways that you can be straight without her feelings being hurt. If there is a way that can be done.
(sigh) I will be thinking of you and Barneys.
I know the feeling Cuz... Trust me, I know the feeling... You put a lot of energy into that relationship and I really thought this was it for you. So now what?? I guess you got to come of the bench and get into the game huh??? Well, its only the third quarter and guess what, the other team just called a time out. The head coach is looking at you son. He's ready to put 45 (Jordan's number when he came out of retirement)into the game. 1
LOL @ Phillylive. Ummmm I think he should sit tight for a minute and get his bearings before getting back into the game. There is plenty of time left on the clock and his team is up by 14 points. They also have the ball...let him marinate for a second cause he's got a slight injury and we don't want it to result in permanent damage.
Blogger Fam..Thanks for all the sentiment its greatly appreciated. I am fine. Barneys is fine. We both want the best for one another and when you love someone you should do what you can to make them happy.
Letting each other go was a loving gesture not a selfish one....:)
Wow Slishy - I couldn't believe what I was reading. I wish you and Barneys the best.
Remember, you win more bees with honey than with vinegar.
The Chairman (my husband) has that brutal honesty and I got a mouth when I have an attitude. Needless to say our confrontations have been "interesting". I am STILL learning that it's all about tact, timing and compromise.
No advice here. I think every relationship teaches you things. Peace.
...just out of curiosity...
why did you write this post?
just to get it out, to read other responses to see if they mirror your thoughts, to read ppl cheerleader you on... or for B to read and sorta understand where your coming from and see that maybe through the comments... you may be valid in your being "honest" about some of her habits?
...I'm just sayin...
Oh Slishy, I'm so sorry sweetie. Take from this that your honesty isn't a flaw; it just needs some monitoring and self control to take other people feelings into consideration. But you can hide who you are Slishy; be loved for who you are an who you aren't.
*big hugs*
Support group...yes. However it would merely be a meeting of the same minds. I know people say you can be honest without being hurtful but I just dont know how to do it other than say nothing which means eventually im distancing myself from you. Sorry for your breakup. Im new to your spot so I dont have a lot of history but breaking up is always hard to do. However, it is not permanent until we say so. And never stop being honest. And when you find that sugar coating for the tongue...holla please.
:( this was muy saddo. (i'm very prolific w/my spanish)
Slish that's such a shame....hope things work out between the both of you....
don't lose that honest trait. just know how to manage it. see i'm like barney i run from the truth. but Lord knows now i'm tried of running. sometimes we get sooo caught up in the lies we create in our lives that we're afraid of the truth. cause once the truth is revealed to us, denial is no longer a valid excuse. sometimes the truth brings embarassment. my question is we go through our whole lives learning all these lessons for WHAT? when do we stop learning and live that "perfect" life?
u don't have a virus ur bless to not be fooled by fakeness. don't change just improve!
I have to agree with Cheznikki. Alot of folks take freedom of expression too far.
I know in general men have fragile egos when dealing with women, not all but alot. So just remember treat someone like you want to be treated. Some men can dish out brutal honesty to a woman but cannot take it.
Tact and compassion needs to be mixed with honesty. Sometimes the truth hurts and the wrong delivery can make it worse.
Have you ever stopped to think why you tend to be honest? Have you ever paused and evaluated if it is wise to be so honest?
All in all does this honesty really need to be told. I mean will it make a difference or make things worse. Some things are best left unsaid.
If the conclusions that i came to after reading that post are anything like KZ then i really hope this aint for real what i see.
However i have always been told honesty is the best policy and my honest part of this month is that i am in love with someone else.
What do i do slish - ???
xxS*Bxx
I've been where Barney's has been too-
I hope yall work it out...
Man I tell ya...
Funny how we know that love is unconditional and that we should love a person for who they are the good and the bad....but when we as women let our guard down and someone is brutally honest with us...sometimes we can't deal...we all want honesty no matter how much it "hurts" but truth of the matter is sometimes we wanna believe a lie...and you are correct it is what it is
i like the new look man..ya'll are upgrading spots and what not, gonna make me jump the bandwagon on renovations.
I like this new format!
Now stop fooling around and give us a new post! LOL
Just came back to see if u had a new post and *BLAP like a slap in the face*
Lovin the new layout sweets.
xxS*Bxx
"They say you ain't hittin' in New York, Hammer? What you gon' do now?"
It looks like you turned this mutha out!
KZ
Loving the new digs...I think I started revolution :)
Grr @ Blogger beta..ok, better now.
I am so happy to see that you all did it out of love for each other, because that is rare..and mature..definetly an example to many on 'how to'..
Love the new layout..
I am like you, brutally honest, and it gets me in trouble cuz sometimes it just falls out of my mouth, then it's done! Oops..and sorry..
Some folks are just made that way, and we don't really know any other. If it's in your nature, then you can't fight it, just hone it.
Keep ya head up..
Aww Slish...you and Barneys broke up?
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Do you think it's really over or can this be fixed?
Ya'll seemed so well suited for each other. I enjoyed reading about your relationship!
:-(
oooooh! I like the new layout...
one of these days i'm gonna do it too! : )
mr slish!
i'm so sorry to hear of the departure. that's life for you...you aren't supposed to compromise who you are in a relationship, but compromise is key in a relationship. go figure. keep ya head up.
on a different note, i love your upgrade.
I stopped reading some of the comments on this post...because I was getting a little upset. I am a vibe person..and from the beginning when you would talk about "B", the vibe was you holding back and naming it, Slash. I don't care what people say...it is about find yourself versus to lose someone.
Look, you are grown as hell! No woman would put you through all that mess and squeeze the essence out of you. (maybe my language is a bit strong but really that is what happens slowly but surely when we give up ourselves)
Do you. I promise you will find a woman that is grown and can handle the truth without you having to make a compliment sandwich.
We aren't in junior high people! We don't need to have someone mashed up apples for us to digest it...Take a bite..chew it...and digest it. I think that is part of being grown.
As a black man...in how many areanas do you HAVE to censor yourself? I believe at home and in love that is a space to just be...without the pressures of the outside invading you, again! That is my view of black on black love...we are suppose to understand the intersections and create a space free of those stressors. Your home and love life....soon be without regular BS.
I hope you gather a thought or two and understand. My investment is in you...not her. Do you man!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The Barneys chapter has closed!
:( i know ur happy now, but damn! thats some painful shit!
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