DNA
My life Blows, and the relationship game Blows. There is no happy medium. I realized something a looooong time ago, but refused to let myself believe it. In order to be a happy in any relationship you have to lie. Lie about the kind of person you are, Lie about your true feelings and Lie so that the person you are involved with can trust you. Ain't that some shit! A person has to lie to be trusted! What part of the game is that! I'll tell you. Its the part where you hold back your true thoughts from the person you love to spare their feelings, but by doing that you make matters worse because the truth will come out eventually. Giving them pause and causing them to never trust you again. Well. Thats what always seems to happen to me.
Shawnla " Little D's father called me yesterday" I respond " Oh yeah what did he have to say "
Shawnla" I didn't say to much to him. I just gave Little D the phone" I ask " So the conversation between them went well?" Shawnla " Well, I asked Little D what they spoke about and he tells me his dad said he gave me some money recently and that if he needs anything he should just ask me" I say " Really? So he's acting like the money he paid to get his ass out of jail for not paying child support was money he actually put into an account to help out with Little D." I'm thinking to myself this man is a piece of work. Shawnla continues " So babe today he calls again telling Little D that he wants to see him this weekend. Little D explained to his dad that he has plans but he'll check with me. I get on the phone and tell him that Little D has plans. His father proceeds to tell me when he was in court the Judge told him he had to follow the visitation agreement that was set up previously and this weekend is part of that scheduled agreement." I think to myself again. Man got a point. Technically it is his time to visit with his son. Even though he's been a dead beat dad for most of Little D's life the law is the law. The circus can wait. Tell Shawnla to offer those tickets to his daddy and let him take Little D instead.
Then I hear the Slasher " Don't you go and do something stupid" Slish " What are you talking about its the right thing to do" Slasher " Not to Shawnla she has put up with too much from that Loser. Telling her that Little D should see his father is the wrooooong idea." Slish " But if I don't say anything now it will probably come out later. Then she'll say i'm keeping things from her" Slasher " Sliiiiiiiish "
Shawnla finishes her last sentence with " He can't just pop up and say he wants to see his son because he paid me some MONEY! I'm not going to let him come in and crush his spirit by not showing up! I say " Babe why do you do that" Shawnla " Do what ? " I respond " Make decisions for Little D. All I hear you talking about is what you want. Has anyone bothered to ask Little D what he wants" Shawnla's tone changes " Why are you attacking me! " I respond " I'm not attacking you but Little D is old enough do decide whether he wants to see his father or not. Don't make that decision for h CLICK!!!!!! Did she just hang up on ME!!!!
Slasher " I told you to keep your fucking mouth SHUT!!!
Shawnla " Little D's father called me yesterday" I respond " Oh yeah what did he have to say "
Shawnla" I didn't say to much to him. I just gave Little D the phone" I ask " So the conversation between them went well?" Shawnla " Well, I asked Little D what they spoke about and he tells me his dad said he gave me some money recently and that if he needs anything he should just ask me" I say " Really? So he's acting like the money he paid to get his ass out of jail for not paying child support was money he actually put into an account to help out with Little D." I'm thinking to myself this man is a piece of work. Shawnla continues " So babe today he calls again telling Little D that he wants to see him this weekend. Little D explained to his dad that he has plans but he'll check with me. I get on the phone and tell him that Little D has plans. His father proceeds to tell me when he was in court the Judge told him he had to follow the visitation agreement that was set up previously and this weekend is part of that scheduled agreement." I think to myself again. Man got a point. Technically it is his time to visit with his son. Even though he's been a dead beat dad for most of Little D's life the law is the law. The circus can wait. Tell Shawnla to offer those tickets to his daddy and let him take Little D instead.
Then I hear the Slasher " Don't you go and do something stupid" Slish " What are you talking about its the right thing to do" Slasher " Not to Shawnla she has put up with too much from that Loser. Telling her that Little D should see his father is the wrooooong idea." Slish " But if I don't say anything now it will probably come out later. Then she'll say i'm keeping things from her" Slasher " Sliiiiiiiish "
Shawnla finishes her last sentence with " He can't just pop up and say he wants to see his son because he paid me some MONEY! I'm not going to let him come in and crush his spirit by not showing up! I say " Babe why do you do that" Shawnla " Do what ? " I respond " Make decisions for Little D. All I hear you talking about is what you want. Has anyone bothered to ask Little D what he wants" Shawnla's tone changes " Why are you attacking me! " I respond " I'm not attacking you but Little D is old enough do decide whether he wants to see his father or not. Don't make that decision for h CLICK!!!!!! Did she just hang up on ME!!!!
Slasher " I told you to keep your fucking mouth SHUT!!!
posted by Mr.Slish at
4/09/2007 12:06:00 AM
28 Comments:
First!!!
Ooh I'm so glad I don't have kids sometimes I swear. I know I'm not ready for kids when my first thought is that if the dude doesn't wanna be with me any more than he should make sure he packs ups that snot nosed bastard of his and takes it when he leaves....
yea, I'm the pits and you're actually a much better person than I if it makes you feel any better!
Lmaof...You telling me if you had a kid and the baby daddy didn't want to be with you anymore he has to take the crumbsnatcha with him!...lmaof...
I'm sure after you see your eyes in that little boy or girl you would change your mind...:)
Gonna have to agree--sometimes you have to lie. This is one of those cases. I have a friend who I always feel is only thinking of herself when it comes to her son and never the son or father's feelings. Sometimes you just have to let those situations go...do your best to stay out of them.
By the way I agree with Miss Ahmad. Take that lil bastard with you.
Go easy on Shawnla... and Slasher. It was a good idea to have LilMan's dad take him to the circus. If his dad keeps missing visitation, she can always take it back to the judge. Also, unless there is some type of abuse, Lil Man needs to experience his real father for himself.
Child support is the property right of the child (whether the father sees his child or not) its not a pay-as-you-go option. That said, anybody who has to be forced by a judge to care for their own children is a certified a$$hole.
Slish.. sometimes its better to be honest.. you did something most men are afraid to do but you were right.. if Lil D is old enough to make a decision concerning his dad.. THEN LET HIM.. he might actually surprise his mom..
Speaking from experience.. with 2 dead beats.. The child will make their own judgement.. It's her staying strong and being able to HANDLE that decision whether its the one she wanted or not..
Give her some time to cool off.. and talk to her.. because she accused you of attacking her.. although you didn't she felt you should be on "her side"..
Sorry you have to go through that but damn a hang up wow..
You were right. Lil D should be able to make a decision about where he wants to go.
However, there might be a long history of the Deadbeat saying he is gonna show up and then never following up. Shawnla is probably trying to spare Lil D from any unnecessary hurt.
As the kids grow up, they will have to realize something's for themselves. She should let her son decide and if the Dad fails to show.....he will eventually have to deal with his son telling him that he doesn't want to see him anymore.
Good luck Slish. It's hard to date someone with children.
You weren't wrong. Homegirl needs to step back and allow her son to see for himself what deadbeat is really about. She's just not mature enough to see that she needs to put her son before her pride.
I'm sorry but dont fukin lie to me EVER!!! Lying simply prolongs the inevitable and honestly a lie hurts way more then the truth cause you gotta deal with the issue as well as the initial lie...NOPE I HATE LIES!!!
In this cause I think you did the right thing and your wifey should be proud of you for being honest with her. Oh and I hate it when people deal with their feelings by disconnecting. Hanging up on someone is one of the most disrespectful things you can do...and I use to be a hanger-upper but I have gotten better.
Seriously, Shawnla needs to think about what you said and talk to Lil' D about how he is feeling on the issue. Regardless of the hurt this baby daddy dude has caused her, she needs to set aside those feelings and do the best thing for her son and a little boy should know his father PERIOD!
Sorry Bruh.. but I disagree with erverybody. YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!
You shoulda took a silent on this one.
Point one: that's not your child
Point two: that's not your wife
Point three: you don't share finances or the same household or dicision making
point four: She didn't ask you for your opinion.
Sorry but I think you should have just shut up, been a supportive boyfriend and taken her side. You should have known that she was upset and just needed your shoulder for a minute, not you opinion YODA
Personally I feel that since you are not married to Shawnla 90% of the time its gonna leave you at the sidelines when it comes to her son and his dad...eventually he'll find out on his own about his father, and make his own decisions but if he's young..I agree with 1969 Shawnla is right to try to protect him..its up to her (his mother) to know what's best and her instincts to know how he's gonna handle a certain situation and she's gonna try to protect him no matter what
You should always be supportive of her decision of course and suggesting the circus was actually a noble idea..but where it concerns LilD I wouldn't try to sway her one way or the other because she's gonna always feel she knows what's best..as least I would.
@ Consistently A lie a day keeps the tongue lashing away
@ Chezniki Certified he is. I don't understand why any brotha would not want to spend time with their child especially a kid like Lil D He's such good company..:)
@ bklyn Diva Hang up she did not once but twice...This story is not over Conclusion coming soon...lol
@ 1969 Thats exactly what I was trying to tell her then she hung up on me...lol
@ BZ Don't let Shawnla tell it...lol
@ Royce Well she wasn't proud of my ass that night... I got a verbal beat down the following day...Part two to this story is coming
@ OnefromPhilly SHUT UP!!!! Who asked for your opinion anyway..lol
Now I understand the dynamics of what you are saying but I would not be a good man to Shawnla If I didn't express what I felt good or bad. WHY?
Point one: that's not your child
You would be soooo wrong about that one I treat Lil D as if he were my own. Shawnla's insists that I do
Point two: that's not your wife
Maybe not but if we're ever going to get to that Happy Place. We have to be able to express our opinions without punishing one another. Shawnla gives unwarranted advice constantly,but she's my lady if our relationship is going to grow stronger I must allow her to plant the seeds whether I like or not.
Point three: you don't share finances or the same household or decision making
WRONG AGAIN!!! I sleep, eat,shower, and shit there. Therefore I gladly contribute to Shawnlas household finances. What good man wouldn't.
point four: She didn't ask you for your opinion.
By her telling me the situation is as good as asking for my opinion. Cause where I come from if you don't want someones opinion about something then you don't say SHIT..Feel me.
I was being supportive. It just wasn't the kind of support she wanted..lol
@ GG Shawnla has extremely good instincts when it comes to her son. I just felt now that Lil D has a positive and constistent male role model in his life. Shawnla letting him hang out with his dad would prove to Lil D his dad could be doing sooo much more ...
Whew! Touchy subject. Slish, sometimes a woman likes to vent and not have an opinion. So if she needs to vent then she should be quiet because you will give her an opinion.
I have been in Shawnla's place except for I never had a prob with child support. If you trust how Shawnla has raised her child then let her navigate how she does it. She needed an ear not a mouth.
I understand men like to solve problems and fix things. But men have to know women like to vent and have a supportive ear. I feel Shawnla on that. When a woman is worked up and frustrated, opinions and advice are not what is needed.
[Scratching head] I'm still trying to figure out the "lie?" I hear and agree with your response to Philly, especially since you posted this and have your comments open for discussion:
One - I figure I come hear enough
Two - I feel you on what your saying
Three - Trying to follow yours and Philly's frame is harder than it looks
Four - End of my two sense ( payday is Wednesday, hence no "cents").
I hope Shawnla and you made nice again. Part two of the kiss and make secks details to come, right? LOL
Maybe it's not so much the msg as the delivery. The truth is ALWAYS necessary...even if she gets mad. But if this is a pattern for you, then maybe you need to find a new way to be honest, brah.
@ Shai So what your saying is a man should be seen but not heard. Have no opinion unless asked...Shiiit I feel like i'm back in grade school.LOL....
NO WOMAN and I mean NOT A ONE wants a man with no opinion. Its just unfortunate for women that men don't come with a remote control. Red button SPEAK blue button sit an listen to me rant and rave all day... In perfect world maybe...:)
@ Proactiff My mistake was I should have lied through omission. My responses to Shawnla should have been
" Yeah baby he's an ass"
"Nooo I totally understand where you're coming from "
" He said WHAT. That Jerk"
That right there would have been lying through omission. In my post Born Liar wasn't Shawnla's response to me lying a door slam. I was trying not to make the same mistake twice, instead I got hung up on..can't win with you females...lol
Yeah we made up. Baby Boy style...lol
@ So wise I'm so tired of hearing "Its in the delivery" When has a woman especially a BLACK WOMAN ever sugar coated any concern she has pertaining to her relationship. Please! Save it. That rule seems to apply to men only..cause Sista's don't pull any punches when it comes to expressing their opinion...lol
Glad it worked out for u, Brother Slish/Slash:-)...it's tough dating people w/ kids AND their own confusion regarding how to deal w/child & other parent of the child(ren)...tricky balance - but your two personas seem to do the trick:-).
So, did u get up in the mornin', don your apron & fix "some Eggz"? LOL!
She may not have liked the message but you were right. Sorry ladies, but when you choose to create a child with a man, he is in that child's life forever. You don't have the right to block him, because you think he's a flake ( we was probably a flake before you made a baby too) or he doesn't pay child support. At the end of the day... you're the one that choose him. Deal with it like a grown up.
And no, I don't think it should be the child choice.. do you want to spend time with your Dad or me?? It's not cool to make your child "choose" sides wth parents. Do you really think your child won't know that you're upset.
Do what's right... send your child with his father and do the circus later. And don't start trying to make it difficult for the Dad now that you know he wants his weekend. Don't push him away so that you can say later "I WAS RIGHT"> :-0
Tough to swallow, but you had the right idea. I don't have kids or a deadbeat baby daddy to deal with, so I don't know how that goes. I can understand how she feels, but if he's ever gonna stop being a deadbeat, its gotta start somewhere. If she keeps him away, she may be enabling his deadbeat-ness.
Thats really tough.
I did not say to never have an opinion. It is about balance. Timing is everything. Have you ever been so worked up and the advice of someone else did not help or made it worse?
As a woman, I can only speak on myself and what female friends have told me, when a woman, hell when most people vent an opinion will most likely not be heard. Maybe once Shawnla was calmer you then voice your point.
It is not about lying either. You see how the bathroom incident got you caught.
Whew! This is a touch subject. Give her space. Sometimes a sounding board is all a person who is frustrated wants. You can still have your opinion, just weigh is it the right time or even worth it to say.
Well damn who knew you were back! I got to get to reading! Welcome Back Broooo!!!!!!
I try to mind my business when it comes to people and their children. They are never appreciative of the advice. Never. Your opinion was right, but she was not trying to hear that. All she wants you to say is "That is a tough one baby. I support you in whatever you do."
Awwww Poor baby. I am glad I don't have kids either I have enough things going on now. I just love your heart.
Have a good Wenesday.
glad 2 c u back bruh. the form is still there!
signed,
so-called "white chocolate"
I'm not suggesting you sugar coat. But i'm tired of dudes saying that women dont want the truth. Of course we do. Yall just dont want us to be upset by the truth...and we all know the truth is often difficult to hear. So I say all that to say that you should know how to communicate to her, and not to just stop being honest for the sake of upsetting her. Women should do the same.
You think you sooooooooooo cute! LMAO!!! Nice pic Big Bro!
FOR THE RECORD
when does a "real parent" say when.
for almost 10 years, i put up with utter immature nonsense from said dead beat." despite us not being in a relationship, i felt it necessarry, in fact i felt it a priority for this "man" to have a relationship with his child. i did everything in my power to make this happen in the midst of putting up with him popping up @ my house all hours of the night, disrespecting me to the point of physical altercation, disprespecting my family members, dodging the men,(my brothers) who were all to ready to kick his ass, etc., etc., you name it i put up with it all because i knew all too well what it was like to not have my father in my life. yes i initiated everything from child support(only asking for the same amount he had earlier refused to pay prior to me, filing to cover daycare expenses) and visitation.(to date never asked for an increase) i've put up with vindictive behavior such as dead beat verbally admitting to me that he was the one who called children services as a revenge tactic because of his intial non payment of child support, arrest. yes, he did the ultimate NO NO using his child to get back at me & the court for arresting him,potentially jeapordizing our child's life. thank god children services concluded that i was a good parent & pushed the issue no further. even after knowing this & dealing with the TRUST issue, i still played no part in separating him from his child. i hope so far you're getting the point. dead beat has been as useful as tits on a bull in maintaining a solid relationship with his child. in the past 2 years, i can count on one hand how many times he's picked the phone & called both of my numbers just to say 'hi' to his child. regarding child support: i've actually revamped our lifestyle as to not depend on something that shows up once in a blue moon, if ever. honestly, if the court had not informed me of his arrest a few weeks ago, i probably would have forgotten about it. it's extra, and that's how i look at it(like his relationship with his child)
fastforward: explain to me how a year ago, i received a letter from court with dead beat requesting a reduction in the already low weekly payment because he has another child and is on welfare. needless to say, i did not contest it. even at that time i was still waiting for him to resume visitation(never happened) what did happen was another court appearance later that month with his complaint that i would not let him see his child and he was unable to contact me.(strange because non of my info has changed..he did file court docs with my address weeks b4 right?) the judge found his claim to be a crock of shit and resumed visitation sched. that was march of last year. since that order, my son went week after week for 2 months waiting sometimes up to 3 hours for him to only call and post pone or to not show or call at all. now it's been almost 2 years since he has physically seen his child(his lack of effort) he currently makes a bail payment that reminds him he has a child & then he decides 2 days later he wants to see him. my issue was not with him seeing him, see, mr slish failed to tell u that i had already purchased circus tix weeks b4..for our(me mr slish & d's) family time. i explained to dead beat that he could see his child anytime including the scheduled visitation date 2 wks later, but this weekend was already pre planned. (role reversal: i'm taking anytime i can get to spend with my child weekday or weekend 1 day or 1 hour) please don;t get it twisted about me keeping him away from his father or vice versa. honestly, he hasn't done anything critical enough(that i can prove) for me to do something like that despite all the other bullshit. and for the record, because the doors of communication are wide open with me and the kid, he made his own choice to do the circus with me & mr slish. he did; however, leave a message with dead beats girlfriend and on dead beat's cell phone asking if he would like to pick him up after school one or two days this week. has dead beat returned the call????? one week later he's still waiting....the games wanna be parents play.
oh p.s. ask mr slish how far away dead beat lives from my house :)
Wow, Slish. I am glad you told her the truth. Sometimes, we know the truth, but hearing it sometimes hurts and angers us.
I've learned to listen when I know someone has my best interest at heart. Even if, initially, I hang up on the person first. LOL.
In the future, try this out. Shawla speaks. You take it all in, but don't respond. She will ask you, first if u are listening. U will say yes (u better say yes and mean it!). She'll probably say, well, what do u think. At which point, you will ask if she is sure she wants to know. Putting the ball back in her court.
Let me know how that works out. Just made that sh*t up, but it sounds good to me. LOL.
@anonymous. Makes absolute sense. And I commend u for not being vengeful.
Slish. How far does deadbeat live fron Shawnla's house?
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