Ground Hog Day
I woke up this morning feeling like my inner being had slapped me across the face repeatedly. Saying shit like "Wake UP!! Your personal life hasn't gotten any better in the past 5 Years. You are still making the same DUMB mistakes. Trying to complete a circle that is far from being finished."
I feel like Bill Murray's character in that movie Ground Hog Day. Every morning I wake up its the same day. I do minor deeds through out the day to change the out come of what I already know to be a fucked up situation. I WANT THIS DAY TO END!!!! WHY WON'T THIS DAY END !?!
What piece has slipped through my grasp making it virtually impossible to complete this puzzle. I feel like i'm being punished for a crime I never committed. Why does happiness hate me so much. I'm sitting here looking at the computer screen. Both hands on the side of my cheeks thinking " What deal did my boys Phantom, White Chocolate, Good & Plenty, and Grantlove make to find happiness and prosperity. 7 years ago they were in the same boat as me single, broke, confused, and wondering when their Ground Hog Day was coming.
" OUCH" I feel a slap across the back of my head. Its Slasher " Idiot. They grabbed that Ground Hog right out of that little hole and choked it! Your letting that animal have to much control" I rub the back of my head and respond " What do you mean?" Slasher responds" Your boys married women that enhanced them made them better men. You keep falling for women that are in FLUX. Yeah they're intelligent, well educated but they NEVER have their shit together. Barney's had no job for most of your relationship, Shawnla has no job now. Bruh the only reason why you haven't bought yourself a crib, or moved into a plusher pad is because you were and are trying to build a life with women still trying to find themselves. You too old for that. You can't sit around waiting on them. Get off your ass and grab that GROUND HOG by the NECK! "
Hmph " Slasher has a valid point" When I moved out of my plush rental and into my aunts Basment apt 3 years ago. The plan was to save money and buy myself a house. Then the real estate market got crazy! Slish's salary could not compete so I was going to settle for 1 bedroom condo, but I got sidetracked by love. Figured SUCCESS was NOTHING without having someone to love me. So I readjusted my lens and focused on that instead. Today I realize that was a BIG mistake. The women I fell in love with had not found the key to their success therefore making it impossible to be successful together.
So where do I go from here. What decisions do I make in order to have the kind of life I know I deserve. Do I tell my Lady she needs to get her shit together so we can live in prosperity or do I take the cowards way out and just fade to BLACK.
I feel like Bill Murray's character in that movie Ground Hog Day. Every morning I wake up its the same day. I do minor deeds through out the day to change the out come of what I already know to be a fucked up situation. I WANT THIS DAY TO END!!!! WHY WON'T THIS DAY END !?!
What piece has slipped through my grasp making it virtually impossible to complete this puzzle. I feel like i'm being punished for a crime I never committed. Why does happiness hate me so much. I'm sitting here looking at the computer screen. Both hands on the side of my cheeks thinking " What deal did my boys Phantom, White Chocolate, Good & Plenty, and Grantlove make to find happiness and prosperity. 7 years ago they were in the same boat as me single, broke, confused, and wondering when their Ground Hog Day was coming.
" OUCH" I feel a slap across the back of my head. Its Slasher " Idiot. They grabbed that Ground Hog right out of that little hole and choked it! Your letting that animal have to much control" I rub the back of my head and respond " What do you mean?" Slasher responds" Your boys married women that enhanced them made them better men. You keep falling for women that are in FLUX. Yeah they're intelligent, well educated but they NEVER have their shit together. Barney's had no job for most of your relationship, Shawnla has no job now. Bruh the only reason why you haven't bought yourself a crib, or moved into a plusher pad is because you were and are trying to build a life with women still trying to find themselves. You too old for that. You can't sit around waiting on them. Get off your ass and grab that GROUND HOG by the NECK! "
Hmph " Slasher has a valid point" When I moved out of my plush rental and into my aunts Basment apt 3 years ago. The plan was to save money and buy myself a house. Then the real estate market got crazy! Slish's salary could not compete so I was going to settle for 1 bedroom condo, but I got sidetracked by love. Figured SUCCESS was NOTHING without having someone to love me. So I readjusted my lens and focused on that instead. Today I realize that was a BIG mistake. The women I fell in love with had not found the key to their success therefore making it impossible to be successful together.
So where do I go from here. What decisions do I make in order to have the kind of life I know I deserve. Do I tell my Lady she needs to get her shit together so we can live in prosperity or do I take the cowards way out and just fade to BLACK.
posted by Mr.Slish at
6/04/2007 12:03:00 AM
28 Comments:
That's how love can seemingly grow between two people, while they are BOTH driving toward goals and dreams. Does Shawnla have any? Is she taking steps toward fulfilling 'em? "Faith without works is DEAD." By no means does this give you carte blanch to punk out on your dreams and goals. Get back in that "fast" lane and ride out. If she wants to roll with you, cool. But Slish/Slash needs to make it to the next "mile marker" and so on. We ALL go through what you describe. My husband is very goal-oriented and I have always had his back. At times I'm "coach" when he needs it and others I am assisting him; and vice versa. Right now I am striving for something and he is taking the role of supporting actor in my dream. There was a time I gave up an income and many of the things I love to be at home for six years raising our children. During that time he got another degree, yada yada. I know you will make the right decision. You can't live life with regret. You'll end up not liking your mate because of it.
Gotta go. Real estate class starts in 45 minutes. =)
#1) DO NOT FADE TO BLACK. Please don't do it that way! Every woman deserves to be told, to-her-face, if the relationship is no longer working.
Now this is the part where I think that age has bought me some wisdom. I think that there are two schools of thought to "running the race" here. 1-Run the race by yourself, this way you stay lean and flexible. When you get to where you want to be THEN look for someone to share your success with. 2- Find a partner to run this race with you. Hold each other up, push each other, experience the journey with someone who wants what you want. It seems as though you kinda been stuck on school of thought 2, and it hasn't worked. Maybe you should try running this race by yourself for a while.
It's good that you're reflecting like this, all this means is that it's time for a change! Don't put your dreams on hold a minute longer. It's your time NOW!
u can't change the women that you fall in love with but you can change where you are both headed...you can sit down and discuss where you want to be - a real plan , write it down, no more bullshitting..say you want this plan to include her...say you don't want to be in the same place 5 years from now not even 1 year from now..if that person wants to MOVE and make strides with you then by all means stick it out, build it together and walk into that house and the future holding hands..if that person truly loves you they will get their shit together or they should fade to black.. the only person you can change is yourself. could it be that these women have fallen into a type of complacency that Slish will take care of them, of it..they can slack because you'll pick up the pieces..they remain damaged and broken because they want u to stay fixated on fixing them...its like they are your lil projects..well its time to focus on your wants and desires and stop trying to fix and make someone else happy.....and I say all this in loving way *wink*
You seem to be the type of man that likes to "take care" of your woman. There is nothing wrong with that, you attract women that are looking for a protector and you protect. However, it sounds like you are ready to look out for Slish. You want someone that is going to meet you half way or already be on that path.
It is okay to want more for yourself. Don't let lonliness or the idea of love get you caught up. For real, we aren't 21 anymore...NO ROMANCE WITHOUT FINANCE.
Focus on your goals first. Get your house in order. You can't have expectations for anyone else or attract a woman making moves until you are doing the same thing.
We have ALL been forced to step back and take inventory of our goals and refocus. Sometimes, we have to cut someone loose.
If you need a fresh start, that's fine. Just be upfront with your lady. She deserves the truth and being a coward when dealing with a tough situation is never cool. Go out with your self respect in tact.
Make a list of your goals and set a date for achieving each one. Good luck.
Wow, I feel you on this subject. It is indeed a hard one. If you remember my first or second post, I sort of touched on this except my husband was just a user :-)
Anyway, he and I were on two different pages. He was okay with just making it and sometimes not and I was not cool with that at all. I want to be doing more than just making it. I wanted a nice home and to live...well comfortably. That's not asking too much, right? Well, he needed to get his sh-t together because he was preventing that from happening (working off and on, bad credit, child support arrears). The worst part was that he didn't seem to concerned about fixing any of it. He basically wanted to live off of my hard work! My clean credit, my bank account.
So, I am saying all of this to say, like others here, talk to her first and see what she wants to do. Make a plan and if she seems sincere and is really trying then se if that works (give yourself a deadline). If she isn't trying to do better or to be where you are trying to be, then you have to make a decision.
I had a friend who went through the exact thing you are going through. He gave his woman a sort of ultimatum. For a specified period of time she paid no bills so she could pay off her credit cards, etc. and save money. Well, she did not do that. She did what she wanted with the money and he knew then that she wasn't trying to go down the same road as he. They are no longer together now.
I strongly believe that you BOTH have to bring something to the table. One may bring more than the other but both should be bringing something. And if you are the one bringing more you need to make sure you are okay with that and that your partner is at least trying to pull their weight.
I wish you two the best with this!
@ Tanyetta I know the way.Just trying to make the road less bumpy.
@ Pro I know Shawnla has my back but last night I was thinking she wasn't strong enough to hold me up if I was to ever stumble.
When we spoke last night she said something that made feel bad about what I was thinking " Babe stop counting me out. I still have a lot of fight left in me." Thing is Shawnla has been where I want to be with the whole Home ownership thing. It didn't work out for her because she failed to plan. She is still trying to recover from that venture. Therefore the reason why she is in FLUX. Its not like she hasn't tried she has....:)
@ Onefromphilly I feel you on number 2. After Shawnla and spoke in depth about our relationship last night. We both agreed that we want the same things its just that I'm running a little faster. I never intended on fading to black. I love Shawnla. I Just didn't how much until last night when I left her apt. The pit of my stomach screamed saying don't be stupid that woman loves you.
@ GG I'm counting on the fact that she loves me enough to step her game up. I just wish she would keep updated from time to time.So I don't always assume the worst. I had to explain that to her last night.
first thing.. don't fade to black.. dats foul.. be the man you are and EXPLAIN to her without losing your manhood..!!!
you are at a crossroad and because of what I read about you.. you are the PROVIDER.. you like for your women to "NEED" you so to speak.. but you can be NEEDED and her carrying her weight too.. she just has to know how to let you be the man you are and still handling her own..
have a talk with her.. it may be the HARDEST thing you have to do.. but sometimes its what is needed. I've been there and I know how it feels.. I was in your shoes but the conversation had to be done.. and if it doesn't go the way you want it.. DON'T WORRY.. it will be hard but you will rebound back and your blessings will come..
everybody isn't destined for marriage nor do they need it to be happy.. we all want LOVE but if we don't love ourselves and aren't true to ourselves the love we run upon will be some *f*ckery* and never get us to that place we hope to be..
my 2 cents
I agree with most people & repeat....DO NOT FADE TO BLACK! Let her know how you are feeling & have a discussion about future goals, expectations, etc....
It is important to simply communicate. Get everything out on the table & then make the decision.
@ 1969 You mean The Slasher is ready to look out for Slish. We had a talk last night she understands how I'm feeling. I think I just needed to get out in the open. Holding it in was driving me crazy..She has been going on job interviews. Hopefully she'll find something soon. Now don't get it twisted Shawnla can take care of herself. She was doing fine before I came into the picture. Its just that fine for her is slow motion for me. Just have to find a happy medium.
@ Drea That last paragraph you wrote says it all. At the end of the day I have to take a look at myself.Deal or no Deal...lol
Alrighty then...I've been waiting for this post for many many many months now. I personally feel like this is an important place for you to be in right now. I say important because whatever your next decision is will usher you into the next phase of your life and that is not to be taken lightly. I know you have heard it before but I will say it again for validation sake..."We attract what we are" and you continue to attract people who haven't figured out their way because you havent quite figured out your way yet...what can two people who are scrambling to figure out a direction do for each other besides confuse the other. There are things in this life that we have to determine on our own...where we are going, where we want to go is one of those things. I believe with all my heart that we have to spend some very critical ALONE TIME with ourselves before we can actually figure out what we want and how to get it...and while there comes a point where we can work with the ones we love to get there...the ones we love NEED be on the same page as us in terms of goals, objectives, and strategy for achieving those things. Without that the two people will try a whole bunch of paths that perhaps neither was meant to be on. They become each others crutch, creating a false sense of hope in the other when what they really need is to believe in themselves first.
I don't know Shawnla's deal, but as a mother I believe it is important for her to have a sense pride and strength in her ability to figure out what she wants and actually be able to achieve a good number of those things on her own...without that she will always be broken and she will always be dependent on someone else to help her succeed. I know you want more for her then that.
How can you hold her down or more importantly, how can she hold you down if she can't first stand FIRMLY on her own two? Relationships are about having a helpmate...someone to encourage and support but also someone to carry you through during those times when the other can't walk. Slish you do an awful lot of carrying, can you say that your wifey can do the same right now if you couldn't walk?
There is nothing wrong with being alone, when you are alone you are better able to hear from God, understand His plan for you, and develop a strategy to acomplish it! When you know wher you are going then it becomes easier to convey it to others and decide who is worthy to join you and can be a benefit to you (and you then) on the journey.
@ Bklyn Diva and Paula D We had a talk. We may not have been on the same page but now we're willing to turn them together.
@ Royce Maaaaaan!!!! Smh in shame. You're right. I needed to get my shit together too now that i've made some strides in that direction I felt like Shawnla wasn't doing the same.
We talked boooooy did we talk. I'm glad we did I feel so much better now. I was holding on to so much pent up frustration when I should have just packaged and delivered it nice and neatly to her ear drums.
Shawnla and I both know we have differences. I just wanted her to hear me over the music, see our future and get there in a timely manner.
well glad to see ya'll are on the same page.. and are WILLING to turn them together..
Now when you she doesn't turn as fast or you as slow.. WHAT YOU GONE DO???
*that's where I'm at now so holla at me* LOL
wow! that was a mouthful..I guess what i see is one of the biggest differences between men and women because if i even TRIED to date or have serious relationships with men with no jobs, my mother, sisters, and friends would run interference...I guess for men it's okay to allow women a bit longer to reach their potential but really are men and women that different.
My aunt told me that after a man reached between 28-30 that you should no longer judge him on his potential but who he is...which is to say when dating adults can you accept them as they are...if they never get a job/career path, if their credit doesn't improve, if they are in a constant state of crisis?
Well if not you should consider whether or not you are in a relationship with the fantasy of potential or the actual person you are with...
No offense to you are your lady friend's relationship but sometimes "love" can be a distraction as well as an addiction and can keep us from attaining our true goals!
@ Aunt Jackie...consider whether or not you are in a relationship with the fantasy of potential or the actual person you are with.
That is a serious question to ponder. I think many of us (including myself) have been victims of "potential".
Glad ya'll had "The" talk...
now tell her azz I said her first order of business is to get a job cause a broke azz black women is NOT sexy LMAO!!
Slish...I read your comments (Hush, I am on a break)....
Email me man...bklynaka10@yahoo.com
MAN! I have been in this situation with men countless times. The only time I've been unemployed since I was 12 was when I gave everything up and moved to VA to help my sis while on deployment. Even that was only for two months and I had plenty of savings to use to keep me afloat until I scored a gig.
I digress: I have been with too many men who were in flux, didn't know what they wanted, or were otherwise dissatisfied with their lives in some way, mainly employment. I have learned to get the f*ck out of dodge. If a person is not happy with who they are and what they're doing, they won't be happy with you. And, you cannot sacrifice your goals or anything else you know will make you happy, just to be loved by someone. Because, the right person will be right on time with you, in going for what they want.
@ Bk Diva lol...If that happens I will have to re-evaluate my situation and make the neccesary adjustments as should you...:)
Write about it BK....so we can give our two cents...
@ Aunt Jackie That right there is what I'm talking about. A woman would never accept a man with no JOB! But for some reason there is a double standard. If shouldn't be that way. I'm HATIN...lol
@ Drea yeah Aunt Jackie was on point with that comment.
@ Royce she's actually been on the job hunt for a while. She'll find something soon I HOPE...lol
@ 1969 I emailed you...Uuuuuh I'm still waiting for a response..lol
@ Bz That is true, but getting out of Dodge is not the answer for my situation. Communication is going to open the door for Shawnla and I....:)
@Aunt Jackie: Your quotes below are thought-provoking. Whew!
"Well if not you should consider whether or not you are in a relationship with the fantasy of potential or the actual person you are with...
No offense to you are your lady friend's relationship but sometimes "love" can be a distraction as well as an addiction and can keep us from attaining our true goals!"
Hey Slishy!
By all means do not fade to black! Communicate and move forward.
In the end you have to decide what to do for Slish, what's going to be beneficial for you in life and love.
I hear where you are coming from. I could not be with a man who was still finding his way. I have already done that. I need someone who can grow with me not someone who will need to play catch up to get where I am. BUT I am not already in a relationship. My rules are different than your rules. Now that you have had the talk with Shayla do you think you two can grow together?
Umm... yeah... I am way too young for this one!!! This is some real grown folks ish over here!
All I can say is make your first move your best move.
i know i'm late with my comment, but i have something to say. coming from a woman who's got it together (at least for the most part) you have to do you. you can't sit back and allow yourself to be continually brought down by women who want what THEY want and NOT what YOU want WITH them. Lemme spain dis a lil mo fo ya.
I'm a giver; a natural born nurturer. i've looked back on the relationships i've had and seen how the men i chose to be with were all in fact less than me. they weren't as educated, werent as experienced, and whatnot. by being with me, they improved their lives, jobs, experience, etc and when the relationship went south; i sat back feeling drained and confused; not to forget somewhat depleted in every which way. why? because i gave far more than i took and in the end had to ring out the rag, hang it out to dry, and start all over again. i'm at a point in my life now where it's all about ME. i've used the time to grow into the woman i need to be for ME. I've healed and am healing the wounds, which kept opening because i was constantly repeating the same old habits. i now listen to the voice in (like Slasher) and say, "wait, hold up; this shit ain't right". i keep God first and pray often; refusing to allow my faith/stregth/courage/wisdom to be compromised.
hun, you can and will get through this. map out what YOU want and how you can get what YOU want. once you reconcile your thoughts and feelings, you'll be able to focus on a better life and the floodgates of good things will open for you.
Just my long winded two cents!
If she gotta get her ish together she aint the one my friend. And if you got to get your ish together to get with the one you want then you ain't ready. If you moved in with Grandma to save cash you gotta look at it that way and not lose focus. Bust some ass at two jobs for a year or two and stop socializing to stash that cash and do something with it. The other way to do it is accept that you aren't going to have it all put together and you'll have to accept that any woman you get with is going to need as much work as you do.
All told it's better to be with someone that was there for you to work up to success than someone who came along at the tail end. Those are usually the ones a secret agent meets cause they don't appreciate what they have.
Listen there is a certain part of you that needs to be selfish. You are so determine to help you're lady out that you are ignoring your own needs and desires. Take it from me I know. I am not saying you should break up with Shawnla but what I am telling you is that you need to get back to the plan that both you and I had in common when we were both unattached.
For example, we both went to a home ownership seminar about 2 years ago in CT and we both came out with a new energy regarding home ownership. You actually spoke to a counselor before I did and fast forward today I am the one who is in the last stages of my condo being renovated and you are looking for a place to share with your lady?
Come on man get it together, Like Blu Jewel stated "you have to do you". You are a single and have no kids and honestly the only financial obligation you have is you.
I know I am late to posting the comment but as you well know I have been doing me.
why is life so dramatic? that ish is stressful. i'm not trying to be with someone in flux. i don't have the patience. still growing, sure, we all are, but issues galore? i'll pass. at least you're figuring it out now.
Man, leave that woman, now!
Come on....she is who she will be. Single, a mother and unemployed. You accept it now, five years from now, she will throw it in your face. Then, there will be no one to blame but you.
And, you ain't her Daddy...You ain't her provider. Let that ancient ghetto philosophy go!
Look find you a sister with her shit together...where you both can provide and protect each other. Its beautiful for us sistahs to release our brothers from being our fathers. There is the key. You deserve a real woman, with real drive, with real love, with real credit, real career, real retirement plans, responsibility, accountability, hellva sexy, dare I say...childless.
Why accept all that baggage from a woman? Why?
I mean come on, I think I remember you or someone as profound saying...
One house, One Name, One family.
Stepparents and stepchildren and baby Daddy's and single Momma blues don't equate to One House-One Name-One Family. You know it and I know.
Real talk....not popular from other comments. Reality is what it is.
Leave her. Let her find her father figure somewhere else.
You go find some real black on black beautiful love with a sistah that will hold you down and you will hold her down.
With Much Love and Tons of Respect,
Divine Lavender
*Spitting Truth!*
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