Lawd Ah Mercy

Friday night Shawnla somehow ropes me into hanging out with her little brother" Its okay sweetheart go ahead." Aww Hell! I usually don't hang out with cats I don't know. Last time I did that drinks got thrown and fingers were pointed at me to GET OOOOOUT!!! I'm going to need back up! I start scrolling through my cell phone for protection. HA! SPANKINAZZ he's always ready to go out. Probably sitting by the phone waiting for a break from his reality. Wife, two kids and a mortgage payment. I press the send button. Spankinazz picks up on the first ring" YESSIIIR! " I say " The cow has landed" Spankinazz responds" What time do we pick it up?" I say " 9 pm" Spankinazz " Nooooo problem"

I arrive at Spankinazz's house promptly at 9:05. He's already outside waiting and dressed for whatever tonights mission calls for. I push the unlock button on The Batmobile. Spankinazz opens the door and gets in. " Whats up kid " I respond " Same O Same O. Work, love, life and PAIN" Spankinazz laughs " Thats why you're my twin" We both laugh at the same time and I pull off.

As i'm driving up 233rd street I turn to Spankinazz and ask" You still salty with me about helping your wife plan your surprise B-day party" Spankinazz looks at me with this devilish grin "Nah kid. Although I was kinda surprised that my own boy set me up. Do you know what kind of debauchery I had planned for that evening ! Couldn't you have told her to have that shit on Saturday! MAN! You know I hate surprises! I respond " Dog! What was I supposed to do! Tell your wife no! Spankinazz responds " Yeah! Don't you ever ever ever Dothatshitagain!" I laugh " Ooookay I SPY "

Spankinazz says " Since we're on the subject. You remember the owner of that bar where the party was right." I respond " Yeah reeeeal chatty and full of himself " Spankinazz nods in agreement " Dude was giving me free drinks all night and telling me how beautiful my wife was." I say " Okaaaay. That is a good thing right? Spankinazz " It would have been if my wife hadn't pulled me to the side and whispered in my ear baby why are you talking to him. He's such a loser" We're on the highway now and I still don't know where Spankinazz is going with this story I say " Where are you going with this" Spankinazz sucks his teeth " My man! How would she know he's a loser if she claims to have visited that bar only ONE TIME! " I look over at Spankinazz kinda puzzled " Maybe he made a pass at her" Spankinazz " Nah son its more than that" I start laughing " You think they had a moment?" Spankinazz nods his head once more in agreement. I chuckle " You want me to go in undercover and find out" Spankinazz looks straight ahead and says " You do that"

2 hours later Spankinazz, myself and Shawnla's brother D-Stunna are waiting on line to get into the hottest Old School nightspot in NYC called The Freedom Party. I turn around and notice D-Stunna still has on his shades" Umm why do you still have those on." D-Stunna nods his head showing me his pearly whites " Thats how I roll" I think to myself " This is going to be a looooong night" before we go inside the Bouncer stops me dead in my tracks! " That baseball cap has to go" D-Stunna says " Thats some bullshit I just saw two dudes walk in with hats!" Here we go! I have to diffuse this shit quick! I calmly say " No problem dude I'll just put it in my back pocket" Bouncer says " I don't think so. You need to take it to your car. No baseball caps in the club" Think SLISH! before The Slasher wakes up and tells this fool his mammy should have fed him veggies instead of WALRUS MEAT!!! I tell D-Stunna and Spankinazz to go in without me. I look around and see a gyro stand. I get off the line, walk over to the owner, and say " I'll give you 5 dollars if you hold my baseball cap for me" He takes my hat then puts his hand out. I say " Uh Uh you get the money when I come back out " Owner responds with an Indian accent" Okay my friend"

5 minutes later the promoters have given me my free pass into Dancemania! As i'm walking towards the Devil Juice distributer. I notice the club is packed with wall to wall Slasher Prey. Deep down I know an ounce of alchohol will cause a BLACK OUT! So I decided on a one drink minimum then D-Stunna yells out " I got the first round!" AWW HELL NO! He makes his way to the bar and orders 3 shots of Patron, Hennessy no ice for himself & I and a heineken for Spankinazz. We give each other a toast D-Stunna says " To my sister having such a cool ass boyfriend!" D-Stunna and Spankinazz guzzle those shots like they had been in the desert for months! I slowly sipped my shit. Last time I drank a shot that QUICK! I saw Tom chasing Jerry around my head.

A hour later Slasher has rubbed on two asses, battled one chick during Break For Love and drank 1 more shot of Patron and another glass of Henny. Then the Dj throws on some old school reggae " ITS GETTIN HOT IN HERE AH WHA DEM A GUH DO TO HOLD MI! LAWDAMERCY! ITS GETTIN WICKED IN HERE! THE PEOPLE WANT TO CONTROL ME ! ITS GETTIN HOT ITS GETTIN HOT ITS GETTIN HOT! The beat drops I point my head to the floor, raise my right hand in the air and start swaying from side to side. My Slasher sense starts to tingle " You're being watched " I turn to my right and see this 5 foot light complected sista with jingling baby hips! Looking directly at me. Mind you she rubbing her booty on the next cat! I say to Slasher " Don't you dare!" Slasher beckons Jinglin Baby with some head movement. She glides her Beyonce booty right in front of DANGER, reaches behind and grabs my waist pulling me closer to HELL!

Slasher says " You mackin me baby" Jinglin gives me a seductive smile and says " Yeah. " I turn her around so I could get a better look at the entire package. She pulls me in closer and starts her own inspection. " You have a niice body" HOLD UP!!!! Now I've been out the game for a minute. You telling me its still THIS EASY! I respond " Where you from sweetheart" Jinglin says " Manhattan" Turns back around and drops her ass to the floor taking DANGER down there with her. GOOD LAAAAAWD! She gyrates those hips back up, turns around and says" You married" I say" No" " Engaged" " No" " In a commited relationship" I smile " Das Riiiight" Jinglin stops Dancing. I'm thinking i'm about to get cussed out " She says " Thats beautiful then looks around the dance floor " Where is she?" Dumb ass she standing right behind me taking pictures for blackmail purposes! I respond " She's home baby" All of a sudden Jinglin starts to tell me her life story and how she hasn't been in a committed relationship since high school I say " Sweetheart if you don't mind me asking how old are you? " Jinglin responds " 31" GEEZUZ how do these women find me! Jinglin" I want to give you my busines card so we can stay in touch. Stay right here. I'll be right back" That was my que. Time for me to go home and get some Sleepy Buns from Shawnla.

I gather up The fellas. Spankinazz was kicking and screaming" What do you mean its time to go!" I give him the you about to get left look " AlrightAlright" We get outside. I hit the Gyro terrorist with a 5 spot and retrieve my hat. Spankinazz and D-Stunna give him their business. 5 minutes later I push the unlock button on the Batmobile alarm. As I'm getting into the car I notice Broken Glass Everywhere! Back passenger side window was SMASHED! I calmly walk over to that side of the car to get a better look. D-Stunna says " Slish how come you're not yelling obscenities right now! " I don't respond. I just think to myself


"Karma is a BITCH! Should have never squeezed Jinglin Baby's ASS!!!!!"

Outsider

I've always felt like an outsider because my parents have been married for over 35 years. Most individuals i've come into contact with have never experienced that kind of union or understand what it means. When they visit with my parents their jaws are wide open in awe of the kind of relationship they have.

My mom is the Firecracker. I've seen her break plates throw pots even stay in her room the whole day because my father has not given in to her every whim. My dad is a rock, the voice of reason, his powers of perception astound even me. I remember one time while I was still living at home. I was sleeping with this chick that was married. One night she came over for her usual love injection from the Slasher. After we tussled under the sheets. I walk her downstairs to the front door, open it, kiss her softly on the lips, and close it behind her.

Slish Sr happened to be in the kitchen reading his newspaper. I walk in there, open the fridge and pour myself some orange juice. I sit down next to him. While he's still reading he says" Slishy where is that young lady from." I look around like he's talking to someone else " Excuse me" Slish Sr " Heh Heh when since yuh start date married woman" I spit the orange juice out of my mouth, wipe my face " H H How did you know that! " Slish Sr" You think I was born yesterday. Problem with you young people is you think everything you do now ain't been done before" I start laughing " No for real pops how did you know that?" Slish Sr responds" For starters she only comes over at night and its always on a Thursday" I got up from the table, walk over to the sink and place my glass in it. I turn around and bow down to my pops. As i'm walking away he says " Your mother and I didn't raise you that way. What you're doing is wrong. What if that was your wife." I didn't respond because I knew he was right. I hoped to be married one day and didn't want this kind of karma in my life so I quickly ended that relationship.

One of the problems i've always had is that I am extremely critical. When I hear about a situation that would cause my mother and father to cringe. I'm quick to say" Thats some Bullshit! Grown Folk should know better!" But what I'm really doing is alienatng myself because what I consider to be dysfunctional others consider normal and appropriate behavior.

Being raised in a middle class two parent household is probably one of the major reasons why I haven't been able to take the plunge into that happy place. I cannot and will not accept dysfunctional behavior. I was taught to nip shit in the bud before it gets out of hand. So if someone tells me " Yeah her husband used to beat her waaaay before they got married" My response " Why her dumb ass marry him then" or He got 4 kids with 3 different baby mamas" My response " Dude need to get a vasectomy!" I rarely take pity on people who are constantly walking into walls. My advice to them!

Get a new pair of glasses and some head gear cause that wall will come tumbling down. You should at least give yourself a fighting chance.

I want this

You have a choice in life. If your love life sucks you can RIDE OR DIE!, Your job causing you to have panic attacks. RIDE OR DIE! For the ladies. Your New Stud Muffin is packin a little more than you expected RIDE IT OR DIE TRYIN! Thats how life is. You take the good with the bad. Most times the bad out weighs the good yet we still RIDE.

Royce asked me to give you guys a twisted version of what I want from a woman. So i've taken her list and and gave it a Slish/Slash spin. Now Slasher is wiiiide awake! . So who knows whats going to come out. Here goes

I want a Woman who

Is Physically Available-I want those ass cheeks to spread wiiide wiiide wiiide. When I walk through that door I want that ASS UP! Head down!

Is not always Emotionally Available- That can be too much for a brotha. Thats what your girlfriends are for. All that crying and whining will drive me to a Bottle of Patron!

Is Ready for a Loving Relationship and not afraid to admit it- Thats right don't introduce me to your girls and family as your " Friend" if we've been holding hands, planning trips and swapping bodily fluids for the past 6 months!

Thinks I am Sexy beast. If we're watching the tele and Morris Chestnut graces the screen. I want you to look at him then look at me and say " I'm soooo Damn Lucky"

Is Honest some of the time- Somethings you can keep to yourself. I don't need to know where you learned that trick that made my nuts SIIIIING!!! The night before

Has a strong connection to family and respects and knows their father. Its hard to build a loving relationship with a woman who does not. Believe me I knooow. I have the scars to prove it.

Is Creative-I need that in my life. Probably one of the reasons why I love Shawnla. She speaks French, writes poetry, creates beats, sings and isn't afraid of DANGER!

Is Intelligent- I'm not the brightest lamp post on the block. I rarely stay on top of current events. I need someone to make me look good in public.

Is Ambitious- I procrastinate a looooot. I need a push every now and again. If she's anything like me we'd never get anywhere.

Can Hold a Conversation- This is automatic if someone is dating me. Anyone who really knows me. Knows I talk Non Stop! So if you want to get a word in you need this specific quality.

Has a Good Sense of Humor-I have warped sense of humor. I will make a joke out of anything. Dont let me see yo mama with toothpaste around her lips.

Is interested in entertainment media -I am obsessed with Hollywood. I have all kinds of useless info in my brain. So if I turn to you and say " Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are the new Ruby dee and Ossie Davis" don't respond " Babe I don't know what you mean"

Is Stylish- I love a woman who can dress. Nothing like some tight true religion jeans and a meeean pair of Stilettos.

Isn’t skinny- sing along now " I LIKE BIG BUTTS I CANNOT LIE!" Shawnla is BOOOTYLICIOUS! Tell you the truth i'm typing this with my left hand and holding on to her booty with my right.

Has a decent job -I've already posted about this one.

Has a bank account, saving account, cds, mutual funds. Shit I ain't trying to work FOREVER!

Has health insurance-I never thought about this until I dated someone who didn't have any. Lets just say sonograms cost 250.00 a POP!!!

Knows how to drive- This can be useful. Especially If we need to be in two different places at the same time. My lady should be able to drop me off and take my whip to her destination.

Is Romantic and Affectionate- I like both my heads rubbed. Nothing like sitting between a womans legs while she caresses my Milk Dud head. Bubble baths, Scented candles, Full Body Massage with scented oils. My hands and feet manicured. I Love all that shit!

Is Considerate and Thoughtful-Very important quality. Shawnla called me today and asked if we had anything planned for the weekend before making a decision to baby sit her brothers kids. I know it seemed like a simple gesture but it meant a lot to me. She knows I don't like being around loud ass kids all day!

Is Loyal-Hateration is a muthafucka. People will do and say anything to mess up a good thing.

Is Patient and knows how to give me space- I am not the easiest person to get along with. I have terrible mood swings. Sometimes i'm damn near psychotic. The best thing to do is give me space or else you might get cut verbally.

Isn’t afraid to tell me when I am wrong- Yeah I to can be an Egomaniac no it all. A good slap in the back of the head and an occasionally be quiet( NOT SHUT UP) usually calms this beast.

Is Capable of telling me NO! I hate that word, but sometimes I need to hear it.

Is feminine- I like girly girls. Not chicks who wear slacks and jeans seven days a week. I like a nice sundress from time to time.

Is Protective of me- Thats right don't let your girls bad talk me even when i'm an asshole. Only you have that privilege.

Is in shape. You don't have to be a gym rat, but at least keep yourself from looking sloppy. If your stomach is hanging over your jeans " HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

Knows how to let her man Lead and is able to lead me in the right direction if I should lose my way.

Is Social- I am a social Icon. When I go to a social gatherings everyone wants my undivided attention. So if you are unable to play Batgirl to my Batman. Then you're going to feel cold and alone!

Likes to Smell Good-Nothing like a sweet smelling woman. Makes DANGER wish he had a nose.

Has nice Hands and Feet-Pedicure and manicure is a must! If you don't I will pay someone that will. I've done it in the past.

Is Neat-I have some nerve with this one cause I am one junky bastard. If she's a slob like me. No telling what our crib will look like on the inside.

Is Helpful - Slish is not a one man show. I can't do everything.

Isn’t too Sensitive-Like I said before I have a straaaaange sense of humor

Last but not least a Woman Who knows how to be QUIET when i'm watching my favorite television show! Don't tell me about your day when Peter Petrelli has just saved the cheerleader therefore saving the world!

The Snake Strikes

Afroman trained me mostly on the weekends. I wasn't that flexible so I was unable to kick over my head therefore Afroman focused more on teaching me basic hand to hand combat. At first I really did feel like The Karate Kid because most of the moves Afroman taught me seemed useless. I would always say " Mr Afroman when I am gonna learn how to break boards, bricks and various body parts" Afroman " Little man I thought you said you wanted to learn how to defend yourself " I respond while still doing my Kata exercises " I do " Afroman " What does board breaking have to do with self defense " I respond " Duuuh. If like another kid is going to hit me with a bat! All I have to do is raise my arm and block! That bat will split in two! Ya know! Like the kid with The Golden Arm ! Afroman chuckles " The only thing you'll break is your arm. Don't believe everything you see in the Movies" I give Afroman a disappointed look " But isn't that how you learned to fight? " Afroman's grin turns into a frown, his eyes get really intense like he was having a FLASHBACK ! "No little man" I stop my exercises " How then ?" Afroman comes out of his Kata stance, walks over , pats me on the head and says " Vietnam little man Vietnam"


Couple of days later in the lunchrom at school one of my classmates Sunboy decided he wanted to take a shot at playing the Dozens with me in front of my peers. Since I couldn't really fight my mouth became a lethal weapon. Long story short I ended up calling his mother a WRINKLED FRENCH FRY! Grantlove and Good & Plenty being the instigators that they were laughed real hard " YOU GONNA LET SLISH SAY THAT ABOUT YO OLD ASS MOMMA" Sunboy was HUGE for his age and had a reputation for laying kids OUT! He Stands up, points in my direction, eyebrows tight! " YOU WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUTSIDE! "

I take a deep breath, shake my head at Grantlove and Good & Plenty " Why ya'll have to go and make it worse by laughing so hard!" Good & Plenty " It was funny! " I suck my teeth, get up from the lunch room table and walk outside with caution! As soon as I hit the schoolyard Sunboy grabs me by my jacket and starts spinning me around. I somehow wiggled my way out of that jacket and TOOK OFF!! He chased me around that schoolyard with Vigor! Although I was faster. Sunboy had better Stamina. I was getting tired and couldn't keep it up for too much longer. As I'm running for my LIFE! Afroman's image appears out of nowhere sorta Like Obi Wan . " Slishy stop running, turn around and use that boys momentum against him." I stop dead in my tracks, turn around and face Sunboy. I plant both my feet firmly on the concrete. Sunboy starts picking up speed. I take a breath! Sunboy is about 1 foot away! I reach out, grab his jacket real tight, use his own strength against him and throw him to the concrete HEAD FIRST!

Sunboy is on the floor holding his head. I check to see if he's bleeding. No blood splatter. I move in a little a closer to make sure he's okay. Sunboy looks up at me " Im really gonna kick yo ass now!" DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! Where is a NUN when you need one! The school bell rings signaling the lunch period is over. Whew! Saved by the bell literally!


I get home from school really excited about what I had done. I couldn't wait to tell Afroman the news. Then I hear loud noises coming from Afroman's apt. I kneel down on the floor and place my ear to the carpet so I could listen. " Come here BITCH! What I tell you about talking back to me!" Slap! I hear Afroman's wife cry out in pain then the sound of furniture moving. Afroman's wife must have been trying to get way from him. My stomach was tied up in knots. I felt betrayed. It was like he was hitting my own mother. My father walks in on me while I was on the floor. "Slishy get YUH BACKSIDE OFF THE FLOOR NOW! " I quickly get up pointing towards the carpet " Dad listen. " Slish Sr " I already now. Now go upstairs to your room." I slowly walk up the stairs thinking to myself " What would make a man want to hurt someone he loved. I mean my dad got upset with my mother all the time, but he never hit her. Then I remember Afroman's last words to me

" Vietnam little man Vietnam"

Iron Fist

Every little boy looks up to someone when they're young. My idols back in the day were dudes that could Kick Ass. Bruce Lee, Jim Kelly, Steve Austin, Sonny Chiba, Mr T ( loved him in rocky 3) if they could chop, kick and make you spit up blood from an open palm blow to the chest. You were my hero!

When I was about 11. My parents placed an Apt rental Ad in the paper. One afternoon I went downstairs to get some Orange juice. As I walked by the living room I noticed a neatly groomed couple sitting on my parents plastic covered couch. I think to himself " Those must be the people that answered Daddy's Apt rental ad. " Slish Sr calls out to me " Come here son. I want you to meet our new tenants" I walk over and shake the gentleman's hand. I swear he had the neatest afro I had ever seen! No Split ends at ALL! Sitting next to him was this pretty chocolate lady with almond shaped eyes. She reminded me of Jodie Watley. I shook her hand as well. She smiles and says " You're so cuuuuute" Two weeks later our new tenants moved in. They were the perfect couple. The only noise coming from their apt was the sound of their newborn baby girl.

Most afternoons I spent my time in the kitchen watching television while snacking on Ritz crackers. This particular day was no different. As i'm sitting at the table changing channels I hear " Eeee Yah, Ha Yeeeah Wooooosah " I slowly turn the volume down on the television " Sah Eeee Yah Ha Woooooha" I jump out the chair and look out the Kitchen window into the backyard. WHAT!!!!! AFROMAN CAN DO MOVES LIKE BRUCE LEE! I turn the telvision off , run outside and into the Backyard to get a better look!

AfroMan's moves were fluid and hard. He notices me standing behind him cheesin while doing a Round house kick. " Hey little man whats happening " I respond " Uuuuuuhhh Nothin but uuuum could you do that round house kick one more time. That was really keeewl." Afroman obliges. I stood there like a Michael Jackson groupie. Mouth wiiiide open. Then it dawned on me! Why not ask Afroman to train me! I was getting kinda tired of my friends slapping me around. " Hey Mr Afroman could you train me. " Afroman " Hmmmmm I don't know little man your parents might not like that. " I say " Awww cmom PleasePleasePleeeease MyfriendskeephittingmeupsidemyheadIcan'tblockitintime" Afroman cuts me off " Ooookay Little man I'll train you, but promise me you'll use what you learn here to defend yourself and not to hurt others. I close my fists reeeal tight, place them beside me and bow " I promise "

My training began soon after. Little did I know. I would learn more than just how to put my foot up someone's ass.

The Saga Continues.......

Ground Hog Day

I woke up this morning feeling like my inner being had slapped me across the face repeatedly. Saying shit like "Wake UP!! Your personal life hasn't gotten any better in the past 5 Years. You are still making the same DUMB mistakes. Trying to complete a circle that is far from being finished."

I feel like Bill Murray's character in that movie Ground Hog Day. Every morning I wake up its the same day. I do minor deeds through out the day to change the out come of what I already know to be a fucked up situation. I WANT THIS DAY TO END!!!! WHY WON'T THIS DAY END !?!

What piece has slipped through my grasp making it virtually impossible to complete this puzzle. I feel like i'm being punished for a crime I never committed. Why does happiness hate me so much. I'm sitting here looking at the computer screen. Both hands on the side of my cheeks thinking " What deal did my boys Phantom, White Chocolate, Good & Plenty, and Grantlove make to find happiness and prosperity. 7 years ago they were in the same boat as me single, broke, confused, and wondering when their Ground Hog Day was coming.

" OUCH" I feel a slap across the back of my head. Its Slasher " Idiot. They grabbed that Ground Hog right out of that little hole and choked it! Your letting that animal have to much control" I rub the back of my head and respond " What do you mean?" Slasher responds" Your boys married women that enhanced them made them better men. You keep falling for women that are in FLUX. Yeah they're intelligent, well educated but they NEVER have their shit together. Barney's had no job for most of your relationship, Shawnla has no job now. Bruh the only reason why you haven't bought yourself a crib, or moved into a plusher pad is because you were and are trying to build a life with women still trying to find themselves. You too old for that. You can't sit around waiting on them. Get off your ass and grab that GROUND HOG by the NECK! "

Hmph " Slasher has a valid point" When I moved out of my plush rental and into my aunts Basment apt 3 years ago. The plan was to save money and buy myself a house. Then the real estate market got crazy! Slish's salary could not compete so I was going to settle for 1 bedroom condo, but I got sidetracked by love. Figured SUCCESS was NOTHING without having someone to love me. So I readjusted my lens and focused on that instead. Today I realize that was a BIG mistake. The women I fell in love with had not found the key to their success therefore making it impossible to be successful together.

So where do I go from here. What decisions do I make in order to have the kind of life I know I deserve. Do I tell my Lady she needs to get her shit together so we can live in prosperity or do I take the cowards way out and just fade to BLACK.