The Jungle

As I'm walking through the corridor at work " Good Morning Mr. Slish," " Good Morning Mr. Slish", "Good Morning Mr Slish" "Heeeeeeey Slish." Lawd PLEASE PLEASE take this temptation away from me ! Today the Temptress is wearing tight gray capri slacks. Fish net stockings , with black YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET pumps. Temptress says " Once again you have stepped into my office without my breakfast " I look around to make sure i'm the one she's talking to and respond " You say that to say what" Temptress " Slish! You know what. Be like that. Its bad enough you ain't get me nothing for my birthday" I shake my head and start chuckling Temptress looks at me with those chestnut eyes and says " Whats so funny Slish. Why you laughin" I think to myself "If she could only use that Mega Booty for good." I sign my time sheet and walk away from temptation.


1/2 hour later The Temptress walks into my work area to get some coffee. She greets the rest of my staff and proceeds to the coffee maker. She pours herself a cup, looks in my direction, smiles, then walks away while stirring her spoon. She pauses, turns around, and says "Slish you like my stilettos." I look over my desk. FOR THE LOVE OF BRUCE ALMIGHTY PLEASE TAKE THIS TEMPTATION AWAY FROM ME! and respond " They aiight" Temptress gives me that YEAH RIGHT NUCCA look and struts her pear shaped ass right out the door. Slasher says " You are a DAMN fool! She been trying to get at you for weeks. Polite convo, always asking you questions. She wants us DAMMIT! Remind me. Why we aren't plotting to slap those ass cheeks together! I respond " Its like breaking a mirror. Any woman that fine has got to be BAD LUCK" Slasher responds " Truuuue Truuuue"

I press the speaker button on my phone and start dialing the phone number to the reason why The Temptress many attempts to get my attention go unnoticed. Shawnla picks up " Hey Baby " I say in a corny deep voice " Good morning my sexy chocolate swirl " Shawnla giggle's and responds " You are sooooo stupid" I respond " Its one of my most redeeming qualities. What are you doing? " Shawnla " Organizing my apt. " Before I respond I notice the green light on my cell phone flashing. I pick it up. Its a missed call from my cousin Bowie. If he's calling me this early something must be wrong. I say to Shawnla " Sounds boring. I was just checking on you. I'll call you back a little later" Shawnla laughs " Okay baby"

2 minutes later I call Bowie he picks up "Hello" I say " Whats the matter. Why you calling me so early in the morning. You get caught by the police for indecent exposure, Your wife find out your mistress is really a mister, or did she finally leave you for a midget that had a bigger dick ." Bowie starts laughing real hard and responds " How long you been holding on to that one" I chuckle and respond " Bout three weeks. So what can I do for you." Bowie " I needed you to do me a favor, but I can't seem to remember what that was. " I say " Listen! I am not covering for you anymore. If your wife calls and asks why her panties are stretched out with little green stains. I'll have to tell her the truth." Bowie starts laughing some more and says " That was a good one"

Bowie continues " Slish let me run something by you. The other night couple of the fellas and I went out. One of my boys met this Baaaaaad sista. " I respond " Yeah Yeah" Bowie " Anyway they hit it off and met up for lunch this week. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID!" I get all excited now and respond " WHAT? WHAT? Bowie " She brought her girlfriend with her and stuck my man with the bill" I sigh and say " So. Whats wrong with that." Bowie " WHAT! You don't see anything wrong with that! " I respond " No."

1. She met your boy in a club/lounge

2. She don't know if he cwazy and

3. Just in case he was cwazy she brought back up.

Ain't nothing wrong with that bruh. Ya see. You've been married for the past 13-14 years. The dating game has changed. Its a jungle out there and only the strong survive. Yo Boy should have Roared like the King Of The Jungle and politely paid that bill with no hesitation." Bowie " WHY!!! What for? I calmly respond " Bowie. Its called CLASS."

Something a woman never forgets.

Born Liar

I remember when I begged my mom to take me out of private school. " Ma I don't want to go back to that school. They don't like black people" Mom responds" Slishy don't be ridiculous you're just afraid of a little hard work. I say " No mom for real thats why I have such a hard time with my school work. White boys in that school plot against the black students. I hate that school. Please take me out. " The whole time I stood there holding a letter the school sent home stating they would not be accepting me back the following year due to my lackluster academic performance. Mom responds" Okay Slishy I will talk this over with your father" I calmly walked out of her bedroom and into the bathroom. Promptly flushing that letter down the toilet. My parents were not going to find out I got kicked out of High School. This would be one of the many lies I've told during my lifetime.

Lying has always come naturally to me. When ever I get into some shit you can be damned sure I've already formulated some kind of believable story to get me out of it. I probably tell one lie a day to either keep the peace or avoid the inevitable. Either way I know this is wrong, but my own arrogance and insensitivity can't seem to stop my nose from growing.

Yesterday I accidentally broke my lady's shower head right out of the wall. I called her immediately " Baby I broke the shower head" Shawnla responds " How??" I say" I was trying to adjust it so that it could be positioned right above my head and WHAM it came right out of the wall water just splashing everywhere. " Shawnla " Okay don't worry i'll call my landlord he'll come down and fix it. I respond " kewl " Shawnla " Slish MAKE sure my bathroom is clean! Don't want my landlord to come down there and see my dirty draws or tampons in the trash." I push the trash behind the toilet, look around in the shower and think to my self What the hell is she talking about. The shower is clean, but once again I forget that my version of clean and Shawnla's version are two different things. Then she says " You know what Slish. Tell my son to do it he knows how I like it done, because I can see you're expression right through this phone!" DAMN THAT WOMAN!!! Ofcourse The Slasher knocks Slish out, decides Shawnla is not the boss of him , and never tells Little D to clean the bathroom.

Later that evening we get back to Shawnla's place. I do my usual. Turn on the television and plant myself on the couch. Shawnla goes into the bedroom with Little D so that he can try on all the new clothes she bought for him. Then I hear the inevitable. Shawnla says " Little D thank you for cleaning out the shower" Little D responds " You didn't tell me to do that Mommy" Damn Damn Damn! Slasher starts twitching in the couch while his brain starts to spin a tale of deception." Shawnla looks out of the bedroom door and asks " Babe did you tell Little D to clean the bathroom? " Slasher responds" No baby I decided to do it myself since he was still getting dressed." Shawnla smiles and says " Oh okay Sweetie thank you for doing it " Slasher smiles to himself, places his hands behind his head and responds " Noooooo problem anytime" See!! Ain't nothing wrong with a little white lie!

Shawnla leaves the bedroom and goes into the bathroom to do her nightly routine. I look in and notice her inspecting what I have supposedly done. This is where the inevitable happens again " Slish where did you put the bathroom cleanser" Slish says to Slasher "You are sooooo busted FESS UP!!!" Slasher "I have already anticipated that question" and calmly responds " I put it where you always keep it. " Slish says " Daaaaamn negro you are good " Shawnla looks back, gives me this devilish grin and asks " What did you use to wipe the shower" Slish says to Slasher " BUSTED YOU ARE SOOO BUSTED NOW!!!! Slasher didn't think that far ahead he responds " Ummmmm I used that white rock you keep on the shower floor " Shawnla shouts " YOU MEAN THE ROCK I USE TO SCRUB THE BOTTOM OF MY FEET !!! " Awww Hell!! I 'm caught. Slish takes the wheel and starts with the damage control " Baby you know that I know that you know " Shawnla cuts me off " Ooooh SHUT UP!!! LIAR!!! I asked you to do something so simple, but instead I get LIES. " I resort to the ridiculus and say " But sweetheart I was just playing" SLAM! Shawnla shuts the bathroom door on me.

Little D hears the commotion and comes out of the bedroom eyebrows raised " She's mad " I smile at him and say " What else is new"

Lesson Learned: Don't lie for dumb shit. Especially to a woman. Telling the truth might get you cussed out, but at least the trust factor remains intact.

Guess who's Back!!!

I was telling my lady today " Babe you know why are started bloggin" she sighs and responds " No, but i'm sure you're going to tell me" I giggle and say" Keep that up and your coochie will become tighter than a virgin with nooo prospects. Anyway my lotus flower. I started blogging because I was frustrated with my life. I was single, sex deprived, and no way in HELL was I going to tell my boys my pussy supply had dried up. So I started writing shit down. "

"It was liberating! I had stories for days. What made it even better was that other people found my life interesting. I fed off the energy their comments gave me. I kinda miss it" My lady responds " So what ya gonna do about it Hammer!!! " I start rappin " DON'T CALL IT COME BACK! CAUSE I BEEN HERE FOR YEARS! She laughs and says " Baby I'm going to stop at the first Rite Aid I see and get you some medication for that " I respond " HATER!!! luv you! She responds " Luv you too. Call me later"

So lets get down to business people.


Through out the years I have taken on a few pupils and trained them in the art of R.I.T(Relationship Interaction Techniques) in other words how to get the chick and keep her. It mostly involved dating etiquette, 3 steps to great conversation and how to close the deal without using alcohol. Then one day I came across a young sista. Just out of college, eyes wiiiide open and ready for a good Brotha to come into her life and piece together her puzzle.

Well a few years went by. I noticed my nubian pup wasn't getting the respect she deserved. She was constantly asking me questions and wondering why I kept laughing at every story she told me " Pharmacist you didn't see that shit coming" Pharmacist responds" Naw I really thought he meant what he was saying. He sounded so sincere." I say " You are so green to the ways of The Jedi, but I sense The Force is strong in you. I will train you. Teach you how to counteract The Force, Ya know bend it to your will." Pharmacist eyes light up " Really Slish! You Would do that for me" I respond " Sure would. Balance is needed. Can't have you go into a game without acquiring certain skills. "

The Pharmacists training began. We started out slow. Her first lesson. How to read into what a brotha is saying without letting him know you're on to him.

1. "I'm dating" Really means " He's met someone he likes but he's not sure what his next move is going to be now that he's met someone he likes more.

2. "I'm seperated from my wife." Really means he still lives with her fulltime and has only been toying with the idea of leaving but too much of a coward to do the right thing.

3. "I don't believe in bank accts and credit cards. Real men carry cash" Really means he's broke, got bad credit, works off the books, and hasn't filed taxes in more than five years.

4. "I always keep it real" Really means he's too ignorant to research anything he may not understand. So when met with any obstacles he quickly gets defensive and indignant wanting to place blame instead of pointing the finger at his own ignorance. Hence the coin Phrase " I keep it real"

5. "I'm not really close to my mother" RUN RUN RUN....If a man doesn't respect his MOMMA means he probably won't respect you. I don't care I don't care !!! RUN I tell Ya!!!

I gave The Pharmacist those pearls of wisdom and off she went.

Present Day

The Pharmacist " Slish i've met someone" I respond" Bout damn time! Who, when and where" Pharmacist responds " Not ready to tell you just yet, Met him last June at a concert while hanging with some old fuddy duddy trying to impress me." I say " Hold on!!!! You been hiding this negro from me 1,2,3, 4, 8 MONTHS!!!!! Pharmacist " No Slish its not like that. I met him in June, gave him my business card, and he called me in January. I say " WHAT!!!! you met him June and he called you in January! What is he slow! He can't read? Took him 7 months to figure out you have a 914 area code. Thats a red flag Pharmacist ! If I meet a woman I'm feelin. I don't wait 7 months to call. I call her as soon she puts those numerical symbols in my cellie" Pharmacist laughs " Slish you're crazy" I respond " No I'm thorough" Pharmacist " Slish I want you to meet him" I respond " You gave him the draws already! " Pharmacist giggles again " Its been a while Slish ! " I say " Whatver he doesn't get a sit down until the 6 month mark. If he makes it that far i'll grant your request. "

A month later.....

Pharmacist's finds out her new booty ain't got no bank acct, no credit, and no future. To make matters worse he likes to dissapear. Whats a girl to do. Well I 'll tell ya. Call on the Jedi Training her big brotha Slish gave her and Fade Awaaaaaay. Which she promptly did.

Now whats the lesson here. ANYBODY!!! Okay I'll Tell Ya. The Pharmacist let the dark side of the force cloud her judgement. Ya know Lust, Loneliness and desperation. When those three components are in play. The other team is sure to score before you do.


DAMN I MISSED THIS SHIT!!!!!