The Black Hole

Brubaker. That was the name of my first real bicycle. My dad bought it for me on my 11th birthday. Brubaker was orange with real rubber tires. Not like the hard plastic tires I had on my previous one. Couldn't put air in them at all. If they got flat might as well get a new bike. Which was the very reason why my dad bought me Brubaker. Getting that bike was like a coming of age. Slishy was becoming a big boy.

Now having Brubaker was great , but there was only one draw back. Slish Sr wouldn't let me leave the block with it. He was afraid an older kid would take it from me. So riding up and doooown my block became redundant. I got bored quick. Before you knew it Brubaker was collecting dust in my basment.

It wasn't until a few years later when Fondu and his big brother got bmx bikes. I brought Brubaker out of retirement. The crew had started a little bike posse. We used to build ramps and jump over shit. Well actually we used to jump over people. If you could jump over 4 individuals lying on the floor! You were the man! Brubaker wasn't built like those bmx bikes. All light in the frame and shit. So Fondu and his brother held that title until our parents caught us and SHUT THAT SHIT DOOOOOOWN.

One Saturday morning in the summer. Phantom comes over to get me for our usual visit to the ice cream store. Our video game of choice Arabian Knights. I get dressed, run down the stairs and push open the screen door. Phantom is sitting on my porch waiting patiently. " What took you so long? " I respond " Had to make sure my fro was tight" Phantom laughing" The only way that girl(Casey) is gonna notice you is if you talk to her and we know you're too chicken shit to do that" I respond " Yo Momma! " Phantom stops, looks at my head, and says " Your fro is uneven " I gasp like a little bitch and run back into the house. When I get there I look in the mirror. Muthafucka !!! He got me again!!!

5 minutes later Phantom and I head over to Fondu's house to pick him up. That seemed to be our routine. Phantom comes and gets me we both go and pick up Fondu. Today would be different. When we get to Fondu's house. He and our other boy Lump Lump are prepping their bikes. I say " Hey. You not coming to the ice cream shop?" Fondu quickly responds " Nope" Phantom " Where you guys going? " Fondu grins proudly " To that man made dirt bike course next to the Bowling Alley " Lump Lump knodding his head in approval. Phantom " I wouldn't do that if I were you " Fondu gives Phantom a screw faced look " Why! " Phantom " Rumor has it. That place is like the black hole." Fondu looking all confused pointing a scewdriver at Phantom " What is that supposed to mean" Phantom " It means you'll come back, but your bike won't. " Fondu's eyebrows tighten " Shut the fuck up. You just jealous cause you don't know how to ride a bike" Which was true Phantom had never learned to ride. He used to just sit around and watch us. Fondu " Slish you wanna come " I respond " Nope. You heard Phantom" Fondu laughs " Ain't nobody gonna steal that piece of shit you riding" I respond " Laugh if you want to. I remember hearing your mom say if something happens to that brand new bike she got you. She was not only going to beat your ass with every pot in the house but you would not be getting another one. " Fondu gets on his bike and rides over to phantom and I. He starts sniffing and says " Both of you smell like pussy " Fondu and Lump Lump ride off.

Phantom and I go the Ice cream store as planned. We play a few video games and eat some ice cream. On our way home we decide to take the long way so that we would end up on Fondu's side of the block. As we're walking up the hill we see Lump Lump kicking rocks and Fondu sitting on his steps with his head between his hands. We head on over to them. I say " Whats the matter? What happened?" I start looking around and didn't notice Fondu's or Lump Lump's bike " Where are your bikes?" Lump Lump shakes his head and sighs " They took them " Phantom " Stop playing! For real! Fondu finally lifts his head up. WHOA!!!!! His face was FUCKED UP! Lip swollen and split wiiide open. I look at Lump Lump. Not a scratch on him. Fondu " You happy now Phantom! You gonna say I told you so!" Phantom chuckles " Nah, but your lip is fucked up. You might have to go to the emergency room." I say " Lump Lump how come you don't have a scratch on you?" Fondu says" Lump Lump is a PUSSY. They just tapped him on the shoulder and he gave his shit up! ME! I FOUGHT FOR MY BIKE" Lump Lump rubs his face and responds " My bike wasn't worth ruining my good looks" Phantom and I laughed so hard our stomachs started to hurt.

Fondu is infuriated now. " You guys think this shit is funny!" Lump Lump " No one told you to hold on to the handle bars while the dude who was stealing your bike was punching you in the face" Phantom laughing even harder " Thats what happen ! Thats how you got that fat lip!" Phantom then pushes out his bottom lip. Making fun of Fondu. Fondu responds " Fuck You! Phantom shouts back " No! Fuck You!" and pushes out his bottom lip again " You're the one with the FAT LIP and NO BIKE! Think i'm going to wait till your momma gets home so I can witness the biggest beat down of the century! " Right then. Fondu realised the worst part of his situation was not over.

Later on that day his momma beat him like he had two parents and swore he would never get another bike from her. Lucky for him. The brother Fondu now despises offered him his bike . In doing so he gave up a portion of his childhood so that his little brother could have one. Funny thing is. If you tell fondu that story he still has the same response

" Fuck You"

Halloween Marauders

Back in the day Young Slishy had a serious sweet tooth therefore Halloween was like a dream come true. Free candy that I didn't have to share with my little sister Stughetto ! Yeah it was selfish, but its not like she was going to share hers with me. So October 31st became my second favorite day of the year . Christmas being my first.

As I got older hmmmm I would say 15. Right around the time I met my first love Casey. Halloween for me came to a screeching halt. You see the year before. My greedy ass tried to go trick or treating knowing I was too old. But I figured with a mask on and two younger kids Casey's brother Picasso and little brother SquirtBoy. I could go door to door and get my fill of treats. Saving my allowance money for more important things. Like porno magazines.

So we're on our way home skipping along like we just won the lottery. Some older kids approach us " You little muthfuckas too old to be trick or treating" and they grab Picasso's bag of candy. He holds on and responds " Noooooo. Stop it. Let go of me!!! " he breaks free and starts running. Me and SquirtBoy do the same. The older kids take off after us. I yell " Split up! " Picasso heads in one direction, Squirt Boy hides under a car and I hit top speed in the middle of the street ! In those days I was the Chocolate Tornado! It was damn near impossible to catch me. So the older kids gave up, but Picasso wasn't so Lucky. I hear a loud scream, stop dead in my tracks, turn around and see Picasso surrounded by white smoke and egg splatter. His goodie bag split wiiide open and his candy all over the street. I run back! Dodging eggs and powder bombs. I yell to Picasso " Forget about the candy! Run Nooooooow!!!!" I distract the older kids so that he and Squirtboy can get away. " When I realize they're in the clear. I take off behind them. Splat!!! I look over at my left shoulder. I'm HIT!!! Egg yolk was all over me! I catch up to Picasso and Squirtboy. I look at Picasso and start laughing hysterically" He frowns, wipes the powder from his cheek and responds " I'm glad you think its funny" I laugh even harder and give him my goodie bag " Take some of my candy you deserve it." I laughed so hard I fell on the floor holding my stomach.

The Following year. There would be no trick or treating for me. I learned my lesson from the year before. Instead I spent it hanging out on Casey's porch trying to get her to notice me. All of a sudden Picasso comes dashing out of the house. Mumbling something about he's going to be better prepared this year. He runs down the steps and into the night. An hour later he comes back with the rest of my boys Phantom and Fondu holding a bag of apples and pears in one hand and a garbage can cover in the other. I say "Watcha gonna do with that!" Picasso " Anybody who throws eggs at me! Will get one of these!" Then he motions " Look Slishy! I'll block" holding up the garbage can " Then throw an apple. Its full proof!" I laugh and respond " You looking for trouble. Hit somebody in this neighborhood! Will get you more than just an egg thrown at you. You might get stabbed!" Picasso responds " I'll take my chances "

Later on that night. Some kids from another street snuck up on us and threw eggs from the top of a one story building that was located on our block. Picasso was the first one to retaliate. Me, Phantom and Fondu followed his lead. Those kids got lit the fuck up! Teach them not to fuck with Jamaicans. We're naturally gifted with good aim. So they retreated. Picasso and Fondu decide to go to the store and get some candy. 5 minutes later I see Fondu running back and he yells at me and Phantom " They're coming!!!" I yell back" Who!? Where's Picasso!? Fondu keeps running and points behind him. Phantom and I look down the street and see Picasso running while blocking eggs thrown at him with the garbage can cover.

10 minutes later Me, Phantom and Picasso end up getting barricaded in Fondu's house. 10 kids from the next block were outside waiting for us to come back out. Fondu is cursing at Picasso " Get the fuck out. Why you come here! Picasso responds " I didn't want them to egg my house! My mother will kill me! " Fondu " What the fuck you think my mother is going to do! " He pushes Picasso out of the house and slams the door. Me and Phantom peak through the window and watch Picasso bob and weave on the porch while eggs are thrown at him. Fondu is pacing back and forth hoping his mother doesn't wake up and bust his ass. We look out the window again and see that Picasso has disappeared. Phantom "Where he go? " I respond " I don't know? Doesn't matter anyway those guys are still out there! Fondu starts getting teary eyed and puts his hands over his eyes " What am I gonna do NOW!!! My mother is going to wake up in about 1 hour and throw a pot at my head!" Phantom says " Okokok! Slish and I are gonna leave and run in the opposite direction of your house. Get us two garbage bags. I say " What we gonna do with those. Phantom ignores me, takes the bags from Fondu and makes 3 holes in each of them. He hands me a bag and says " Put this over you" I laugh and say " Wow you a genius! " Phantom responds " Shut up and RUN!!!!" he pushes open the screen door and we JET!!!!

The Halloween marauders take the bait and follow me and Phantom in and out of backyards, porches and bushes. Phantom " Okay Slish lets head back " I respond " They still out there!" Phantom " We can't stay in this backyard all night! I shrug and respond " Aiight" We watch the Marauders walk by, peak our heads out and RUUUUN!!!! One of the marauders turns around and Yells " They're trying to get away. Get em!!!" Phantom and I look at one another and run for dear life. Eggs are flying everywhere hitting the plastic bag shields we had on. We get to our block and Phantom stops running. I yell " Watcha doin!? They're right behind us!! Phantom out of breath responds " Can't run anymore" Right then. I could have left him. But I learned early on never leave your friends behind. I say " Okay what we gonna do" Phantom smiles and walks over to a tree. Pulls both of his hands and head inside of the bag and kneels down. I'm like WTF!! Hold up! Oh shit!!! This nigga looks just like Garbage.! Thats genius ! I did the same thing and leaned right there next to him. The Halloween Marauders ran right by us.

A few minutes later the coast is clear. Phantom and I rise from the darkness and head to our houses. On the way we notice a rumbling in some bushes. We stop ! " Phantom whispers to me "Whats that." and OUT comes Picasso " They gone!" Phantom and I sigh in relief and respond in unison " Yeah" We all laugh and go home.

The Next day we watched Fondu's mother use his head for target Practice. That woman could throw a pot. I mean even when Fondu tried to run around a corner to hide. The pot would just turn in that direction and SMACK !!! Right in the head. Anyway. That didn't surprise me. After all Fondu's momma was Jamaican.

Ms Fat Booty

Temptation can be a muthafucka!!!

There I am standing outside of the Caridad restaurant waiting on the food I ordered for my future. This Mocha toned sista with long black straight hair comes around the corner. Her shirt was slightly open. Exposing just enough cleavage for a brotha to slip a little sumthin sumthin between. My eyes worked their way down to her hind part section. Laaaaaaawd haveth mercy!!!! Please take this temptation away from me!! Her ass turned to the right then to the left. Shiiiit I could have sworn it winked at me. Then the blind guy on the corner looked , smiled and nodded his head in a approval. I swear I have never seen anything quite like it.

The Slasher is wide awake now. He whispering in my ear as Ms Fat Booty is walking by. " Say something nigga " I respond " Say what !!! " Slasher " Say Woman your ass is a weapon of mass destruction. I'm going to need your phone number in order to protect the rest of humanity" I respond " You definitely on some shit. I'm going back into this restaurant, getting my food and going straight to Queens" Slasher " Say something Fool. See if you still got it " I say " See if I still got what? A brain. The only woman I want to see right now is my sweetie. Leave me alone. You're not getting me into any trouble today. " Slasher " I'm tired of this shit!!! You got me locked up like a crackhead needing a fix!! LET ME AT HEEEEER!!! I say" Nope we have other plans. "

Ms Fat Booty comes back from the store and is heading in my direction. I start to go back into the restaurant to avoid temptation. Then I say fuck the Slasher. I'm standing my ground. Why can't I stand here and appreciate Ms Fat Booty' s asstributes without trying to get at her. You know what. I can and I will. Its called self control, its called having someone believe and trust that you are the man she fell in love with. Its called being a Good man. Ms Fat Booty walks by. I smile and give her a kind nod. I open up my cell phone and call my sweetie " Baby I'll be home soon. "

Real Nigga's

While driving through my neighborhood Saturday afternoon. I showed Barneys and her sister Bush Baby the elementary school I attended. As we're passing by I point out the fire hydrant Grantlove slammed this white boy's head into because he made the mistake of talking about his Momma. That shit was hilarious. Grantlove is slamming this kids head against the hydrant after every word he says '' Say " slam " Something" slam " About " slam" My " slam " Mother" slam" Again " slam slam. Good and Plenty and I had to grab Grantlove before the nuns came out. Classic Gangsta moment

After telling Barneys and Bush Baby that story. Bush Baby says" Why you talking about who Grantlove beat up. What about you" I respond " What about me!" Bush Baby " Who you beat up Slish " I respond " Oh I was worse than Grantlove. You didn't have to talk about my momma for me to beat ya up. I beat people up for fun." Barneys rolls her eyes and looks over at me and says sarcastically " Yeah riiiight. Who you beat up baby. " Bush Baby chimes in " Yeah Slish who ? " I become a little defensive and respond " Umm I lumped up a few cats right there in that school yard " Barneys giggles, nods her head up and down , and says" Okaay baby" Bush Baby in the background laughing. I say " Whats so funny. You think I can't get RAH RAH!!! I can get RAH RAH!!! Barneys laughing harder " Verbal RAH RAH yeah. Physical RAH RAH I don't think so. Didshejustcallmeapussy! Slasher responds " Yeah bruh she just called you a pussy" I give Barneys this devilish grin and say " You would be so wrong to assume that"


Now I know I'm not one of those hood niggas that stabs himself in the chest with an ice pick right before a fight, but i'm no punk and it hurts my feelings Barneys assumes that I couldn't protect her if some shit went down. What do I have to do to change her perception? Walk around with a blunt in my mouth, wear jeans and timbs all day, when she asks " Baby where are you?" should I respond " BITCH SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU! " Will that convince her I can protect her Then! Yeah I've choked a nigga who threatened to shoot me, Yeah i've been jumped and left three of them cats on the floor grabbing body parts they didn't know they had, Yeah a psychotic muthafucka on the train threatened to harm everyone around him and I was the only one brave enough to step to him, But real nigga's don't brag about shit like that! Real niggas do real THINGS !!!


Let me tell you ladies something. Its real easy to rob, hustle, stab and shoot another African. It takes a real man to walk away from shit like that. If you think i'm wrong why are so many brothas locked up, why are there so many more black women attending college than black men. Why are so many of you still searching for that one brotha you don't have to share or visit through a plexiglass window. WHY? Because you have this perception that a brotha who's chosen to duck bullets instead of standing up in front of them is a Pussy! When in reality he's exactly the kind of man you need to build your life with. The kind of man that will put his family before anything else. If you ask me thats the only kind of protection any woman needs.


Yeah ya'll . I'm a real nigga. A real nigga that does GROWN UP THINGS.

Brother Can't Get A Break

I've always wondered why black men shut one another out. Why don't we show each other love. Are we afraid to let other brothas into our circle. Is it considered gay to say whats up or even hold a decent conversation with another Brotha?

When I worked on Wall street my white counterparts always reached out to me before the Brothas did. Its Like they had to check out my cool meter. Its ridiculous. I've said whats up to a brotha I work with for an entire year even invited him to a few events i've hosted in the city. Dude just brushed me off. Probably thinks just because I wear slacks and a dress shirt to work that i'm bougie. SO WHAT!! If I am. I'm one of the coolest bougie mofo's in NYC.

Brothas judge one another on appearance and by what they do for a living. I'm not gonna lie. When one of my homegirls tells me they're dating someone new . I always ask them what the guy does for a living. If they tell me he works for the city I automatically assume he's a broke mofo like myself. If she says he is in law enforcement Automatically I assume Womanizer, Alcoholic and probably divorced. If they tell me lawyer, doctor or banker Automatically nigga gotta be stuck up and probably a control freak like my boy Corporate. I shouldn't do that. As a matter of fact no one should judge anyone by what they do or did for a living. Get to know the person first, ask the right questions. You might gain some insight into that Brothas world and learn something important.

I learned something new about my boy Corporate just the other day. I discovered he is not a self absorbed arrogant prick. I just assumed so because of his status in the community and position in life. In other words I was jealous of his success and had to find a way to compensate for it. I've always been proud of him. But jealousy and ignorance can cloud ones thinking. So I just got used to calling him names and forgetting about the time I came home from work one afternoon and saw that eviction notice on my front door. I called Corporate. He put the money in my acct to cover my rent that very day. Shiiiit he's done that for my dead beat ass more than once. Even though I paid him back in a timely manner he never once called to remind me about how much money I owed.

About a month ago Clipperman was about to lose his barbershop because of back rent. Corporate was willing to front me the cash to buy it from him. We both agreed that Clippermans employees needed that shop open. If it got shut down their livelihoods would be lost. It was a noble gesture. I'm ashamed to admit that I discrimate against Corporate because he has money. What makes it worse is that I know other Black folk do it to him also.

Corporate explained to me the only difference between he and I is our tax bracket. When we hang out people assume that he's pretentious because of his white collar career. They assume i'm down to earth because of my blue collar status. Truth be told i'm more pretentous than Corporate. I've never known him to judge a book by its cover. Shit the man never asked a woman he's dated what they did for a living. ME!!! I ask that shit before I get the number. Guess I discovered something new about myself the other day too. I'm a stuck up Blue Collar Prick!

Guys like Corporate are not the reason why Black men don't reach out to another. Its jealous assholes like myself.