Its Possible ?

I wake up groggy. Drool dripping down the right side of my mouth. I get up from my couch and walk into the bathroom to take a piss. Whats that noise! Sounds like water hitting plastic. Oh Shit. I look. The toilet seat cover is down. Damn! Pissed all my over myself !

What the hell was I drinking? Why am I so out of it? Wait a minute! I didn't drink last night as a matter of fact I stopped hanging out in clubs/lounges all together. So why don't I remember how I got home? I scratch my head in confusion and turn to look in the bathroom mirror. What the hell is that on my right shoulder! I look closer using my left hand to inspect it . Hmmm looks like a scratch or a bite, but why does this scratch look like its almost completley healed.

Hmph thats weird. The last memory I have was from the night before. I was driving home from Westchester county after dropping something off at my parents. I took an alternate route since on the way up there I noticed the southbound side was backed up with holiday traffic. While driving my left front tire blew out! At first I didn't want to pull over. Why! That parkway was dark! Slishy doesn't like the dark. I watch movies. You know what happens to Africans when their tires blow out in the middle of some straaaaange dimly lit parkway.

Slasher yells at me " Stop being such a pussy and pull this car over before you damage your rim! You know your broke ass can't afford a new one with christmas right around the corner" He got a point so I pull the Batmobile over, pop the trunk and get out.

Shit !! Its dark out here. I look around first. Ya know to make sure no crazy hill billy serial killers hiding in the bushes. I look to my left and then to my right. So far so good. I walk to the back of the car, open the trunk and start pulling out the jack. "Grrrrrrrr." What-The- Fuck- was- that! I shake my head from side to side and whisper to myself " You buggin son! Deers make that noise too. "Grrrrrrrrrrr a whooooooooooo." HOOOOOLD UP! Thats sounds like one hungry deer! The bushes behind me start to move. Slasher " Ummmm Slish I think this is the part where you start RUNNING! "

I'm running towards the front of the batmobile! I hear four legs running behind me " a whooooooo" FUCK FUCK FUCK ! This cannot be happening to me! What part of the game is this! I yell " Somebody! Anybody! Help me Please!" I get to the drivers side of my car. I attempt to open the door. FUUUUCK!!!! ITS LOCKED! Where are my keys!! "Grrrrrr. GRrrr. Grrrr!" That sounded real close! Like right behind me close! I decide not to turn around. Whatever it is behind me can kiss my ENTIRE ass! This ain't the movies! I'm not gonna turn around and act all brave and shit! Yelling " C'MOOON C MOOON " Hm Hm not me! I tightened up my ass cheeks , braced myself for impact, and yelled out "MOMMY!!!" That was the last thing I remember.

Okay so that explains where I got the bite mark from. It doesn't explain how it healed so fast or how I got home. Guess I should be grateful. State Troopers could have found my body parts on the side of the parkway. Anyway I don't have time for all this speculation. I Hop in the shower, get dressed and head out the door. Barneys and I have some christmas shopping to do.

I'm on the highway headed towards Barneys house. Wait a minute! I brush my hands across my face. I don't have on my glasses! My vision is waaay to blurry for that! I should have wrapped the Batmobile around a tree by now! All of a sudden I can see clearly? Like 20/20 vision clear! How can that be? I've been wearing glasses since the 6th grade! Hmph lets see how clear my vision really is. I'm about 1 mile from the toll area. Without my glasses I shoudn't be able to see SHIT, but for some uncanny reason Not only can I see the toll booth clerk but right before he took money from that last car. The driver picked his nose and shook the clerks hand. Thats just nasty. Glad I have ez pass.

I get to Barneys apt. "Sniff Sniff Sniff" Hmmmm someone smells good. WTF! but i'm still in the car with the doors and windows shut! I get out and follow the scent to Barneys door. I ring the bell. 20 seconds later she opens her window. Thats the smell! Its Barneys! But how? I look up at her " Baby why are you looking at me like that. " I respond " N Nothing its just that everytime I see you its like the first time all over again" Barneys " Awww baby" She throws me the house keys.

As i'm walking up the stairs Barneys opens the door so that Poochie P can give me her usual meet and greet. She comes running out, sniffs then makes that noise dogs make when they're either scared or injured. I walk into the front door Poochie P is hiding under the couch and won't come out! I say" Sweetie your dog is bipolar.Why she hiding under the couch? Barneys comes out of her bedroom and says " Hmph Thats strange she's usually all over you as soon as you step into the apt. I say " Fine by me. Didn't want doggy drool all over me anyway. You ready? " Barneys " Si "

1 hr later we're still on Steinway Ave shopping for goodies. We're walking out of Dr Jays. Barneys has her wallet in her right hand and is trying to stuff 100 dollars into her purse. I say " I hate it when you do that." Barneys looks at me and responds " Hate what baby?" I respond " I hate that you wait until you are outside of a store before you decide to put money back into your bag. Thats dangerous. Its not like we're in a mall with security." Barneys " Whatever who's gonna take WHAM!!!! Barneys drops to the floor! Dude wearing a black scully has my baby's handbag in his hand and has taken off top speed down the sidewalk! I push some of the Bystanders out of the way " Baby you okay! " Barneys " SLISH he has my bag! My apt keys and Nys Id with my address! Its all in there! I look around for an officer! None around! Figures. They only show up when a crime isn't happening. Fuck it! I take off running after Black Scully !

Black Scully is Fast! This muthfucka should have been in the olympics. On a normal day I would have given up but this wasn't a normal day. I felt different. After chasing this dude for more than 3 blocks my ass wasn't tired. Shiiit if this was yesterday I would have been clutching my chest after running one block! I yell " Just give me back the bag! I won't press charges! " Black Scully doesn't respond instead he cuts in front of a parked commercial van and out of my sight.

Slasher starts talking to me " Slish you know good and well something very extraordinary is going on with you right now. I think you can cut that dude off!" I respond " How?" Slasher" Jump over the van!" I respond " Excuse me! You been watching too much television. I can't jump over no damn van! " Slasher " Trust me Slish you can and you will. NOW JUMP!" My legs tighten as i'm running and up in the air I go. Ohmyohmyohmy Whooooo Hooooooooo! I look down as I see the van underneath my feet. This is incredible! I must be 10 feet in the air! I see Black Scully and yell " Don't you ruuuuun from me! " Black Scully turns, looks up and stops dead in his tracks in Shock! I land on top of him knocking both of us to the ground grabbing Barneys handbag in the process. I get up and wipe my jeans off. Black Scully looks at me mouth wide open as if he wants to say something. Before he does I say " I won't tell if you don't " Black Scully just nods in agreement.

5 minutes Later I come running back to Barneys " Here's your bag sweetheart." Barneys gives me this amazed look and responds " How? " I say " You wouldn't believe me if I told you " Barneys " Try me" I say " Okay. Last night I was bitten by an animal possibly a coyote or wolf. Today I wake up with all these extraordinary abilities " Barneys smiles and says " Cops caught up to him before you did huh" I laugh, hug my future, and respond " Yup thats exactly what happened"


The Adventure Continues

Save the Cheerleader Save The World

The Other Woman

What was that! Something wet just brushed across my lips. I keep my eyes closed because i'm afraid if I open them and don't see Barneys pretty brown eyes. The reality might cause me to have a nervous twitch for the rest of my life. There it goes again! This time that shit felt soooo goooood. Thats got to be my sweetie! OooooooWeeeee! I'm about to get breakfast Early! Let me open my eyes. Aaaaaaaw Heeeellllll No!!! Fucking Poochie P ! Damn Dog!

I wipe my face with the back of my hand, turn away from the pooch, and whisper in Barney's ear " Baby baby your dog is awake and she wants to go outside. " Barneys half sleep " huuuuuh, whaaaat, who's awake? " She turns away from me and goes back to sleep. I see where this is going. Barneys dog is very time conscious. She wants to go outside because she needs to make her daily deposit onto NYC's fucked up sidewalks. I try to ignore the inevitable by attempting to caress my sweeties forbidden zone. Barneys quickly slaps my hand " Baaaaby quit it i'm sleeping." Huuuge Sigh I turn around and Poochie P is perched up at the edge of the bed looking at me with her tongue out and tail wagging " Okay Princess daddy is going to walk you since your mommy being stingy with the booty"

I Take Poochie P for her walk. 3 Blocks and 2 stop lights later. Poochie P has not taken a shit. DAMN DOG!!! Got me out of my bed for NOTHING! So I decide to stop at the neighborhood Taliban grocery/deli and get breakfast for me and Barneys. " Let me get a Bacon egg & cheese scrambled well. " Taliban smiles and responds " What you say?" Why do these muthafuckas always act like they don't understand you! Bet if I said I was the health inspector gimme some free shit or i'm shutting you down they would understand that! I repeat " Bacon egg & CHEEEEEESE on a roll and make sure my EGGS are Scrambled WEEEEELLLLL! Taliban smiles " Okay. Anything else sir " I respond " Yeah I also want a bagel with butter and Bacon" Taliban responds " What you say ? I thought you say Bacon egg and Cheese ?" Huuuuge Sigh I shake my head and look down at Poochie P hoping that she will take a shit right in there in the grocery store.

10 minutes later Poochie P and I are back in the house. Barneys is still asleep. I turn on the computer so I can check the movie time schedule for Casino Royale. Poochie P starts sniffing around the area behind me. When she does that. It only means one thing. She's about to release last nights dinner on the carpet! Which she does with flair. I give her the BAD DOG LOOK! Poochie P gives me the NIGGA YOU BETTER PICK IT UP LOOK! DAMN DOG!!!

Barneys gets up shortly after. " Baaaaby why you let me sleep so late" I stop typing on the computer, look up at her and turn my head right back around and go back to typing. Barneys " " Did she pooh?" I respond " Yep " Barneys" Where ? " I respond " Right behind me " Barneys" Where is it? I shake my head while i'm still typing " She ate it " Barneys Gasps " No she didn't! I laugh and respond " Nah I ate it" Barneys sucks her teeth " So stupid " I say " Hey you wanna see Casino Royale later " Barneys quickly responds " Nope " Ya see Barneys won't see a movie just for entertainment purposes. It has to contain substance, global meaning or some sort of human sacrifice( not in the literal sense ex Babel, Catch a fire) Me! Hand to hand combat and gadgets IM IN THERE!!! I respond " Fine" but under my breath I mumble " I'll just go with the next chick" Barneys says " What you say baby " I respond " Oh nothing. I'll go while you're at work. Catch a matinee"


Barneys goes into the bedroom to get dressed for work. I look over to see if her door is open. Its closed. Good ! I pull my phone from out of my pocket and start pressing digits . Next Chick picks up " Heeeey Baaaaby " I say " Hey there sexy. What you doin." Next Chick " Oh nothing about to hop into the shower." I say " Where your man at? " Next chick sucks her teeth " He probably reading the newspaper somewhere? I respond " You and him have anything planned for later? Next Chick giggles and responds " No. What do you have in mind." I say " Lets go and see that new James Bond movie Casino Royale" Next Chick " Mmmm. I read the reviews that movie got 4 stars. " I say " Weeeelll." Next chick " Its a date" I respond " Okay I'll pick you up at 3:00pm" Next Chick " Okay, Btw Slishy do you want to speak to your father " I respond " Hmmm No. I'll talk to him when I get there"

I arrive at my parents house at 3:00 pm. My mom is dressed and ready to go" Slishy how long is the movie? " I respond " 2 hours and 24 minutes " Mom " You know what Slishy you better give me another 8 minutes " She closes her room door. I laugh and say to my dad " Thats your wife. Btw you wanna come? Slish Sr sucks his teeth and responds in his jamaican accent " Mi. Pleeeease. I don't support such Propaganda and filth. I roll my eyes and respond " Never mind. When mom and I get back. I'm taking the both of you to dinner. Make sure you're ready. Slish Sr " Bwoooy you must have hit the lotto. I'll be ready. " I start laughing " Why you acting like i'm taking you to some 5 star restuarant. We're going to Applebees! My dad laughs then my mom comes out of her room and we both leave.


My mom and I arrive at the Movie theatre. " Slishy. You know I haven't been to a movie since the mid eighties" I respond " Really! 20 years! " Mom " Yes. Your father won't take me" I say" How come you don't ask me or Stughetto to take you?" Mom shrugs her shoulders " You kids have your own lives. "Using my right arm I give my mom a hug and say " From now on if you want to go to the movies and I mean ANY MOVIE just ask. I'll take you" Mom looks over at the Spider Man 3 poster then looks up at me " Really Slishy ! " I hug her tighter and say " Yeah " My mom looks over at the concession stand " Can I have Popcorn too. " I say " Yeah " Mom " I don' t have to pay for it myself " I laugh and respond " Noooooo"

My mom gets her popcorn. I 'm still at the concession stand waiting for my goodies. As I'm waiting I watch my mother and she's walking around the movie theatre like she's visiting from another Planet. Eyes wiiide open. Probably looking around and making a mental note of what she can get the next time she comes.

We're inside watching the movie previews. My mom whispers to me " Slishy do the lights come back on when the movie is over? " I laugh and ask " Why you asking? " Mom " I don't want to fall down these steps. We both start laughing" Mom continues " I could just pinch myself. I can't believe i'm actually at the movies " Right then I thought to myself i've been taking my mother for granted. Am I that caught up in my own life. That I didn't realize something this simple could make my favorite girl so Happy. I felt bad and I mean really bad. I Look over at my mom and smile. She looks back at me, puts some more popcorn in her mouth and smiles back.

Priceless

Uncle Slishy

We go through our lives hoping that we never have to experience the kind of pain that can change our entire outlook on life. You know. The kind of pain that can make you bitter. The kind of pain that will have you contemplating your own existence. The kind of pain that can cause hopelessness and despair. Thats the kind of pain that will turn a good person into one of Satans rejects.

1 yr and 1/2 ago. " Slish i'm pregnant" I respond " Noooooo waaay. For real Bashy? Who's the daddy?" Bashy " TDH" I respond "TDH!!! Bashy I thought you stopped seeing him? Bashy " No we're still together and i'm afraid to tell him." I ask " Why? " Bashy " Slish he has three children already! He's going to try and convince me to have an abortion. uh uh I'mnottellinghim." I say " Bashy you have to tell him. " Bashy " Why! " I respond " Baaaaasshy" Bashy " Okay Ill tell him " She hangs up.


1 week later " So how did he respond" Bashy " Like I knew he would. He wants me to have an abortion says he can't handle one more kid right now. I respond " He should have thought about that before he stuck his dick in you raw, but I can't let him take full responsibility you let him do that. Why? Bashy " We were using a condom, but it broke. " I respond " Baasssshy" Bashy " Okay maybe not all the time, but i'm in love with him and i'm going to have this baby" I say " Kewl what he say when you told him that." Bashy " He said i'm being selfish and that I could always have another baby why do I have to have this one. " I respond " He said that! FUCK HIM! Have your baby! He don't want to be a stand up dude! FUCK HIM! You don't need him. Anything you need before and after you have this child. I'll be there! Bashy responds " Slish you can't do that. You have your own life to live." I respond " Yeah and you and that little critter are a part of that life now." Bashy giggles a little and responds " Slish you're like the big brother I never had. Thank You."

5 months go by. Bashy was glowing. Her outlook was positive despite the fact that TDH had abandoned her. I picked Bashy up from her job whenever she worked the late shift. We went baby shopping I even started planning her baby shower along with her sister. We were like one big happy family. She was going to have this baby and I was going to be Uncle Slishy. I looked forward to it.

7 months Its a girl!!! Bashy " Slish everything I didn't get as a child. This little girl is going to have. " I say " Thats great Bashy. Anything you need, babysitter, money , anything at all. Just call me and i'm there" Bashy " Slish how many times do I have to tell you. I'm grateful but I can't expect you to put your life on hold. What if you meet someone special. She's not going to want you spending all your time with me and my baby. I respond "At the rate i'm going your baby will be 21 by the time that happens cause these hoes don't looooove me " We both start to laugh I ask " How many times the baby kick you today?" Bashy " You know what Slish she must be tired because she hasn't kicked me since Friday night. I get quiet and think to myself. Today is Sunday that baby should be kicking her daily I respond" Yeah you're probably right. Listen I need to make a phone call. I'll call you back. I hang up and quickly call my mom. " Ma if a pregnant woman hasn't felt her baby kick since Friday. Should she be alarmed? " Mom" Slishy thats not good.Take her to the Hospital NOW!

I call Bashy " Hey Slish" I say " Hey girl. I don't want you to get nervous but just to be on the safe side. Lets take a drive to the Hospital. Make sure things are what they should be." Bashy's voice starts to tremble " W Why" I respond " Baby don't worry lets just go to the hospital" Bashy calms down and responds " Okay I'll be ready in ten minutes"

1/2 an hour later we're at the Hospital in the waiting area. Bashy is calm and i'm telling her stories about the women that are currently in my life. " Slish you ain't never gonna settle down" I respond " If your fine ass sister would stop dating white boys maybe I might have a chance at happiness. " Bashy " Please she ain't thinking about you" I respond " One night. Ooooooone night is all I need to become your brother in law" Nurse " Ms Bashy Ms Bashy." Bashy responds " Thats me " Nurse " Could you follow me please" Bashy gets up and walks toward the nurse. I say " Bashy you want me to come with you? " She looks back, smiles and nods her head yes. I get up and walk behind her.

10 minutes later Bashy is lying on a bed, shirt pulled above her stomach, while the doctor is performing an Ultrasound. I hold her hand and smile " I'm sure its nothing" Bashy gives me a worried look but manages to smile back. I look over at the doctor, but she's not smiling just moving the pad around on bashy's stomach. I look over at the monitor but I can't figure out whats going on. Doctor " Ms Bashy it seems that your baby's heart has stopped beating. I gasp as I felt my heart stop ! Bashy lets out a scream from the pit of her stomach "'Noooooooo my baaaaaaaby Noooooooo Whyyyy Why! What did I do! What did I do! I've been soooo good. Why my baby Whyyyyyyy!" I grab Bashy, pull her close to my chest, and hug her making sure she doesn't see me crying. Bashy " Why Slish Whyyyy." Then she pushes herself away from me and gets angry " He did this to me! He didn't want this baby! I bet his ass is happy now! I'm gonna kill him ! I grab her and say " Bashy! Don't say that! Its not his fault. Its not your fault. We're gonna get through this.

I turn to the doctor and ask " Whats our next step" Doctor " We're going to have her admitted then induce labor. Bashy starts to cry harder " Nooooooo Sliiish. Why my baaaby!" I respond sadly " I don't know sweetheart" At that moment I start wondering if there is truly a higher power because if there was it would not have allowed this to happen. I mean. What lesson could Bashy possible learn from this experience.

The next day Bashy pushed out her future and her past. She called her sperm donor several times but he never showed up. I kinda thought he would. Considering the circumstances, but you know NIGGAS. They're always consistent. Him not showing up caused a self destruct button to go off in Bashy. I went into Super Hero mode and tried to save her, but Bashy let go of my hand and started to freefall. Our friendship eventually disintegrated into Vapors.

I guess what they say is true . Once a good girl gone. She gone forever.

Ya'll Gone Make Me Lose My Mind

Life isn't fair. Men get the short end of the stick when it comes to committed relationships. We take a back seat to anything that is important to our female counterparts. Its like there is this double standard we know nothing about.

Now the reason why I haven't lost my God Damn mind. Is because I take comfort in knowing that this shit is Universal. All men across the nation experience the same bullshit I do.

This morning I was walking Barney's dog. Something I do every weekend. I run into this white dude with an accent . Both our dogs are trying to get at each other. I ask " Your dog? " he responds " No. My girlfriends " I laugh and say " Does your girlfriend spoil her?" His eyes light up " My girlfriend and I have big fight over dog because she refuses to discipline" I laugh even harder because Barneys and I argue about the same fucking thing. Her response to me " Its my dog" Not realizing that her bipolar pooch has invaded my space. Not the other way around. I was sucking my sweeties toes waaay before that dog was.

I don't think women recognize how much men sacrifice in relationships. Our boys become a distant memory while their homegirls are the cornerstone of every decision they make. Our bad habits are intolerable. Their bad habits are " You knew this about me when we met! Don't start trippin NOW!" Let us be on our cell phones for an hour while we're spending quality time" When they do it. Its " Baby i'm taking care of business" Yeah Riiiiight. Like i've said before LET A MAN DO THAT!.

Ladies this is the reason why most men cheat. They feel short changed and figure shiiit if I have to put up with this I might as well find some piece(spelled correctly) of mind. But doing that gets old. Why because this shit right HERE ! Is universal. Women treat all men the same and its probably not going to change.

How many of you fellas out there have done some bullshit to push a woman over the edge changing her outlook on relationships forever. Making them hard as nails and unforgiving. Yeeeeah you know its true. Women are the way they are today because of us. Right now every annoying thing my sweetie does. I take it on the chin because I know i've probably done the same exact thing to someone in my past. Its like poetic justice.

So my brothas. When you're biting your bottom lip, fist clenched, ready to toss your Cuddle Muffin through a fucking window. Think about the pain and hurt your lady has been through. Think about that one dude that could have driven her to a self imposed exile. Think about " Damn! That dude used to be me"

Then and only Then will it all start to make sense.