Mission Impossible

As you all know my break up with T Bone caused a change in your boy Slish. My Alter ego Slasher was full blown in so many ways. Any oppurtunity to cause trouble or instigate some shit! Slasher was right there ready to press any button marked DON'T TOUCH! Anyone wanting to play the dozens with me was sure to walk away with low self esteem. I was a Slick talking, Booty Grabbing JUGGERNAUT! Hmmm now that I think about it. Iwaskindofajerk!

Anyway This jerk needed to make some money so I took a job working in a Psychiatric Hospital in Rye, NY. My title was unit clerk. About a year into that thankless position and after my successful run in with The Human Shit Eater Zingaro(Please refer to my Tales from the Doo Doo Zone post) my supervisor noticed I had a way with the Crazies. She said " Mr Slish I notice our clients seem like to you. Whats your secret and would you like to make some extra cash using it." My supervisor didn't know that The Slasher was slowly driving me crazy and my only outlet was communicating with someone who was crazier than I was. Therfore the Koo Koo for Coa Coa puff population became my Gang. I respond " You want me to wear one of those white outfits don't you" She smiles and responds " You got it" pats me on the back and walks away.

I quickly became The Gatekeeper of The twilight zone. One time a patient threatened to kill anyone who approached him about taking a shower. " Mr Slish don't you come near me! I will fuck YOU UP! I laugh " I'm not gonna force you to take a shower. I'm just here to make sure you don't hurt anyone" Pt looks me up and down. I look him up and down. I reach into my back pocket, pull out my nintendo game boy, sit down on the bed next to him and start playing Tetris.

Ten minutes go by. Pt starts to feel left out of the fun. He peeks over my shoulder and says " Can I play " I chuckle, shrug my shoulders and respond " Uh Uh my brotha you gots to get your OWN! " Pt " Aww cmon Slish lemme play" I look up at him " Play me. If you win you don't have to take a shower. If I win you have to wash yo ASS! " Pt gets excited and responds " BET!!!!" Two games later he's in the bathroom playing with his imaginary yellow ducky. I tell ya The Slasher was a natural. It was like he possesed a remote control button for the insane.

Couple of months later my supervisor hired this Indian know it all named Mr Singh. He had a gift for the Deranged as well and was trying to take over by making drastic changes in the way my crew and I ran things. Mr Singh decided it was time for Zingaro to stop eating his own shit. Now my fellow colleages and I knew that was damn near impossible! We had tried many times before and paid the PRICE! But Mr Singh was determined to prove us wrong.

The following day Zingaro took a shit in his pampers and went into his bathroom to feast. Mr Singh saw this as an oppurtunity to prove he could accomplish what others couldn't. He whispers to me " Slish hold my clipboard while I sneak into the bathroom and steal Zingaro's shitty pamper." As he's walking away I grab him by the arm and say " Ummm You don't want to do that." Mr Singh gives me a smug look, pulls away and says " The hell I won't. Its time for that man to stop behaving like a SPOILED LITTLE BOY! " Mr Singh dissapears around the corner. I chuckle to myself and awaken the Slasher " Oh we'll see about that "

I run over to my coworker Wes " Yo some shit about to go down." Wes responds in his Jamaican accent " Ah wah yuh a talk bout bwoy." I say " Here. Hold this clip board" I take out my staff keys and proceeded to lock every room door on that UNIT. 2 minutes later Wes and I hear Zingaro scream " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Mr.Singh comes running around the corner smiling " I GOT IT! I GOT IT ! and heads for one of the rooms to hide in.

He turns the first door knob " SHIT! " he tries another one" OH MY GOODNESS! " he tries another and another and another. Zingaro comes charging around the corner Naked with flip flops! " YOU COME BACK HERE WITH MY PAMPER LITTLE MAN!" Mr Singh exhausted from trying to open all the room doors looks over at his impending doom, kneels on the floor with the pamper in his right hand and says " ALLAAAAH please preserve ME!" Zingaro leaps passed Wes and I, jumps on top of Mr Singh and pummels him into submission. He calmly takes his pamper and walks away placing mounds of shit into his mouth.

Wes looks over at me and says " Dem ah go lock yuh up inna dis place"

Slish University

Which one of you ladies think you know your man/husband and I mean really know him. Now I'm not talking about what he likes to see you in which is probably nothing. I'm talking about do you know the ins and outs of your Man/Husband. Do you know what makes him tick, Do you know what shade of brown or gray he likes, Do you know that he secretly likes romance movies. Maybe deep down he doesn't like when you surprise him maybe he'd rather know whats coming so he can avoid telling a lie to spare your feelings.

I've dated a lot of women and loved even less. None of them ever really knew me. I've spent years hiding behind smiles and stomach pain due to food being fed to me that my body rejected. When I tell them I don't like something their response " How would you know! You've never even tried it" Listen here Woman! I'm grown! I don't have to try SHIT if I don't want to!

Fellas if you're reading. You ever try and get a woman to do something they're just not into. Shiiiit!! You'll be CHEEKLESS for weeks. Why ! Cause you were an inconsiderate bully. I swear women get away with waaay too much. Every committed guy I know has changed who he was for love. His lady's interest become his interest, Her friends his NEW FRIENDS, All his boys have to be screened before he gets a permission slip to hang out.

I'm here to tell ya. Slish ain't that dude. I've had ENOUGH! I have reached my threshold of Compromise. If a woman does not take the time to Study me! She will fail every course needed to graduate from Slish University! The course of study is not rigorous and they're FREE of charge. So why do these broads keep failing! I grade on a sliding scale!

Last night Shawnla realized she was failing a particular course and decided to CHEAT! How she managed that! I'll tell ya! PUSSSSSSSSSSY! She put it on me so bad I passed her for the entire semester and gave her extra credit for the next semester!

Relationships are hard people. I sometimes think I'm not cut out for them, but then I meet someone who makes me want to enroll them into Slish University. Shawnla enrolled with text books in hand. Although she struggles with some of the course work. She has never dropped a class. Hmmm I think she might graduate on time after all.


Pay attention to your man ladies don't take their love for granted.

The Slasher has Risen

I walk into the kitchen and notice the phone was off the hook and placed on the kitchen counter top. I pick it up " Hello" The voice on the other end responds in a soft whisper " Hey " My heart starts to RACE! " T bone where you been? I've been all over the Bronx and Mt Vernon looking for you. I called Jam Jam you not there, called your job about 20 times, even sat in front of your building most of the afternoon. When you didn't show up for work I got really worried. Thought you were hurt sitting in a ditch somewhere" T Bone " Baby i'm okay " I sigh in relief " Where are you now?" T Bone responds " Work" I start scratching my head cause now i'm confused "Work? You must have just gotten there. Where you been all weekend. Don't say Jam Jam. I know for sure you were not there!"

I hear silence on the other end of the phone " T Bone where have you been" She responds " With a friend" Back then I was too naive to even know what that meant. Chick say that shit to me today! Might get a five finger necklace. I say " Friend ? Why didn't you just call and tell me that. Which friend? T bone hesitates for a moment and responds " Ian" I start scrolling through my mental rolodex trying to figure out if she had ever told me about a girlfriend named Ian. " IAN!!! I hope thats a girls name! " T Bone's voice starts to tremble " Sl Sli Sliiiish. W we ne need to talk." Right then I realized what was happening. T Bone had reached into my ass and ripped my heart out with that last statement.

I BLACK OUT!!! Then I hear the voice. Ya know. The one I've been trying to ignore, but this time its not in my head " Fuck you! I don't need to hear SHIT! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! If you leave. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! " I hang up the phone. T Bone's mother tries to grab my shoulder " Slish! Don't you go and do something stupid! " I pull away " GET OFF ME!" I run upstairs into T Bones room looking for anything I ever bought her. I immediately see a 11x17 picture of us. As I picked it up I slowly felt the tears coming. The Voice says " DON'T YOU CRY OVER THAT BITCH! " I ripped that picture in half and placed it on T Bone's bed for her to see. I start looking around some more. I see the phone I had bought for her. I pick it up, run back down the stairs, and out the door " SLAM!"

20 minutes later i'm at T Bone's job. I push open the door and see T Bone calmly sitting at her desk. She doesn't notice me at first. The voice " Ooooooooh Slish she doesn't even see you. Just walk up and SLAP THAT BITCH! As i'm walking towards her I look to my left then to my right I respond "Can't do that too many people watching " The Voice responds " YOU'RE SUCH A PUSSY! STEP ASIDE! I'M IN THE DRIVERS SEAT NOW!

T Bone looks up and Jumps! She hadn't realized I had been standing there staring at her for the last 5 minutes. The Voice calmly says to T Bone " Come Here" T bone doesn't move. The Voice " Don't make me come behind that desk. COME OVER HERE!" She gets up and walks over to me real slow. " The Voice says to her " Did you fuck him" T Bone responds" Ye Yes " The Voice" How many times" T Bone doesn't respond " HOW MANY!!!" The tears start to flow down her beautiful face " Wh why do you want to know that? " The Voice grits his teeth" I swear if you don't tell me!" T Bone starts crying " Four.FOUR TIMES!" My legs buckle, then the dizziness. I look up at T Bone and hear The Voice " YOU LET THAT NIGGA STICK HIS DICK IN YOU 4 TIMES. WHERE IS HE! HE WORK HERE! T Bone yells " Slish STOP! I met him here but he doesn't work here. "

The voice wanted to slap T Bone so bad his toes started to itch, but my Daddy's genes kicked in and wouldn't allow him to do it. Instead he grabs T Bone's hand, starts caressing it and says calmly. " You ain't shit. The guy you fucked ain't shit. He knew you had a man and still fucked you. Which means he will never respect or trust you. The Voice squeezes T bones hand really tight. " You better go be with him cause your dead to me. I don't want you EVER. The Voice looks over and sees the coat I bought T Bone hanging from her chair. " See that coat. I bought it. I want it NOW. The credit cards you have in my name hand them over. You're leaving this building broke and cold! "

T Bone hands over the items requested. I take them and leave. As i'm walking out the door I hear The Voice " If you don't ever want this to happen again. I suggest you call on me from time to time. I say " Oh really! So you can get me locked up" The Voice responds " Never that Slish. I only want justice" Hmph! " So what should I call you" The Voice laughs and says " Call me The Slasher. From now on your life will never be the same. "

1 month later. Ian caught T Bone with the next dude. He beat her ass and stuck her in his closet for 24 hours!

How do I know? She told the Slasher right before he stuck his dick in her mouth !

Missing! Rise of The Slasher Part 5

I was up all night waiting to hear from T bone. When that phone call didn't come I called Jam Jam one more time " Is she there? " Jam Jam responds " She called and said she was on her way but that was more than 3 hours ago" I place my hand over my forehead, rub it slowly, and sigh " Tell her to call me as soon as she gets there" I hang up and call T Bone's house again. Her mom picks up " Hi Ms T. Bone is " she cuts me off " She's not here! Buuuuurp " CLICK! Drunk beeeaaatch! I hear The gate keeper of HELL position just opened up!

Sunday morning I watched the sun come up and go down. T Bone never called. My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to burst right out my chest. I was waaaaay past jealous or angry. I was scared! I thought T Bones demon family had finally gotten to her. Then I hear THE VOICE " Why you feeling sorry for that CHICK! You worried about where she is and its obvious she's not worrying about you! Fuck that shit go find yourself some pussy! How you gonna get caught. She ain't no where to be found. " I respond " ENOUGH! I listened to yo ass once before and almost lost her. NEVER AGAIN! T bone will show up. Everything is going to be okay"

Monday morning. I called my job and told them the KID wasn't coming in. Got dressed and drove to T Bones Job. I walked into that building like a heroin addict looking for somebody to rob. T Bone was no where to be found. She hadn't even called in sick! T Bone was offcially MISSING !

I sat in my car waiting in front of her office building for hours. Everytime I saw a chick that looked like her my heart would race! The voice says " She won't show up here Slish. Its 4 pm T Bone starts working at 9 am. Go to her house! I turn my car on, shift into first gear, and pull of.

20 minutes later I'm at T Bones door. I ring the bell. Her mother answers it and says in her Weezy Jefferson voice " T Bone's not here" Blowing cigarrette smoke in my direction. I wave the smoke away from my nostrils and say " I haven't heard or seen your daughter all weekend. I'm coming in to wait until she gets home" T Bones Mom sees that determined look in my eye, moves out of my way, and says " Suit yourself."

I'm in the living room flipping through channels. I hear the phone ring. Thats when all the whispering started. T Bone 's mom walks into the Living room and points her head in the direction of the kitchen where the phone is located. I get up from the couch and walk towards the kitchen to face my destiny...............

Love Don't Love Nobody/ Rise of The Slasher part 4

1990 Two years had gone by since T bone and I had been together. I was completely in love with her and she with me. We fought The Cheat demon, The Trust demon and The Pregnancy demon. That last demon we fought twice. We argued hard and made up even harder. I had never felt like this. I was ready to settle down. I got a second job to prepare myself for the inevitable.

It was the weekend of my 21st birthday. T bone took me to dinner. A Fancy chinese restaurant in the Bronx. Food was fantastic. She looked so beautiful under the dim lighting. Her hair neatly permed with a slight bang that brushed across her right eyebrow. I was sitting there thinking to myself " Slish you are one lucky Monkey." Then I hear the other voice " Yeah she is fine.What the HELL is she doing with you." T bone breaks me out of my trance by grabbing my hand " Boo are you having a good time" I respond " Yeah why " T bone gives me the strangest look. It was like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't. " Whats wrong baby" T bone continues rubbing my hand and responds " Sometimes I wish I had a different life" I was confused for a second " A life without me ?" T bone gives me a warm smile and responds " Slish you know I love you" She breaks eye contact " But sometimes people change and want different things for themselves" I place my hand over hers and say " I made a promise to you. I'm going to get us a place. You won't have to deal with all that craziness going on in your house." T bone doesn't respond she just looks at me with tears in her eyes. I say " We'll be okay"

On the drive home T Bone says " Boo I'm going to spend the weekend with my girlfriend Jam Jam" I respond " You guys talking again. I thought she stopped speaking to you" T bone " We really missed one another. So we put our differences aside and mended our friendship" I laugh and say " So she forgave you for setting her up with a guy you had already slept with." T Bone gives me a screwface look and says " Yeah " I continue " She also forgive you for not telling her until after she had already fallen in love with dude?" T bone " SLISH! Thats not fair! I didn't tell you that story so you could throw it my face! I laugh a little harder and say " You know what. I think we better stop by yo crib and ask your crazy ass brother for his hunting knife CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT" We pull up in front of T Bone's house she leans over, gives me a deep kiss, and says " You're such a wise ass, but I love you. I'll call you from Jam Jam's house tomorrow" She shuts my car door and walks into hell.


Saturday afternoon T Bone hasn't called me all day. That wasn't like her she usually called at least 3 times daily telling me she missed Danger tickling her sugar walls. I get out of bed and start rummaging through my dresser drawer HAH!! I found it! Jam's Jam's phone number T Bone had given it to me a while back. She stayed over there a lot when her family situation overwhelmed her. I start pushing digits " Hello " I respond " Whats up Jam Jam" Jam Jam" Heeeey Slish whats happening. Long time no hear. " I say " Yeah yeah. You two try to kill each other yet" Jam Jam responds " What are you talking about? " I laugh a little and respond " Oh you got Jokes. Can I speak to my girl " Jam Jam is silent for a second " Uuuuum Slish she isn't here. " My Slish sense starts tingling " She hasn't been there all night has she." Jam Jam " No, but if and when she gets here I will tell her to call you" I hang up and call T bones house. The phone just kept ringing.

I feel a knot in my throat and that voice. THAT FUCKING VOICE in my head! " She's not in trouble Slish.You know what this is" I respond " No not her. She would never do that to me. She loves me" Then the voice gets old school on me " Slish it takes a fool to learn that Love don't Love nobody."

A lesson I would soon learn to live by.

The Anointed

For as long as I can remember I've always been the go to person in my peer group. If your lonely and want to meet someone new GO TO SLISH! You need a ride to the airport and can't afford a taxi GO TO SLISH! Want to hang out at the hottest spots in NYC GO TO SLISH!

Now I didn't anoint myself into this position. I just got tired of waiting on other people to get shit poppin. So back in the day when my boys started to complain about not having enough access to Grade A Chocha. I figured out a way to make that happen. I Threw a BBQ. Before I knew it The BBQ's turned into renting a 2500 square foot hall with carpet on the floor and putting my boy SUNMAN at the door for security. Money was made, my boys got all the ass cheeks they could handle and I steadily became an Urban Legend.


That title quickly became a problem. Although I made everything look easy that shit took WORK. Just because my peer group reaped the benefits didn't mean they provided fuel to keep the machine going. I lost a great deal of money and quality time with loved ones trying to make my SO-CALLED Fan base happy.

Do you know till this day NONE OF MY FRIENDS have ever planned a surprise ANYTHING for my ASS!!! NOT ONCE IN THE TWENTY YEARS i've been organizing events! NOT ONCE! Ofcourse I don't complain. I just keep on helping those in need of excitement and pleasure. Expecting nothing in return.

Well I'm announcing today I'M DONE! You want to organize a Party, BBQ or Social Gathering do it your DAMN SELF! I am tired of hearing " The why can't you' s" " The you said you would' s OH! OH! Heres my favorite ! " Slish you're acting like a BITCH! "

Is it wrong for me to want to spend time with my lady and her son instead of organizing events for people who don't even know when MY B-DAY IS!!!!! in my lousy english accent " I think not"

So there you have it. Slish is officially out of the event organizing game. I will attend any and every event organized by someone ELSE. Oh wait! On second thought No I won't. Cause Ya Selfish , self absorbed WENCHES probably won't invite me.

Tippin Out

Cheating is the one thing everyone fears while being in a relationship. Just the mere thought of your significant other tippin will cause you to call their cell phone company and have all their calls forwarded to your hotline. Dudes start smelling their wives/girlfriends Little Vickies after they come in from a night out on the town. Women start telling their girlfriends to make a pass at their man just to make sure he's a stand up dude. Its crazy what folks will do to get an answer to a question they really don't want. To tell the truth. I'd rather not know.

I remember back in the day I was dating this beautiful sista . One evening I dropped her off at her place after a night out. I noticed while driving away that she left her purse in my car. I calmly placed it in my glove compartment. It didn't even occur to me to look through her purse. I mean I could have but I was afraid of what I might find.

The next day she calls me. " Slish did you find my purse in your car?" I respond " Yes I did. I was going to bring it to you tonight" She snickers a little and responds " Did you read my note?" I say " What note? " She sounded a little dissapointed " The note I left for you in my purse! " I laugh a little " What made you think I would look into your purse " She says " Yeah right Nucca you looked " I say " You got the wrong dude. I don't do shit like that " Her voice gets a little high pitched " You don't! " I respond " Nope. Ignorance is bliss. "

You see I don't like looking for trouble especially in relationships. I'm not going through cell phones looking for dudes numbers to call and say "STAY AWAY FROM MY LOVE SLAVE!". Not going to use a different car to follow my lady around town. Not going to eyeball every cat my lady comes into contact with. Now in the past this kind of attitude has caused the women in my life to feel a little neglected and unloved. Sick Beatch's ALL OF EM! Why DA HELL you want a jealous lunatic for a boyfriend! Thats not love its a form of PSYCHOSIS.

So ladys if your man is blowing up the cellie while you're out with friends and you've already told him where you were going to be. Don't think that shit is cute. He probably got a straight jacket hidden in his closet! Fellas if your lady gives your female cousin the EVIL EYE. She's not expressing her love. She probably plotting to tie you up in her basement!

Jealousy is a wasted emotion people. If your significant other cheats on you. They were probably that way before you got with them. Don't go looking for ways to catch there booties up in the air.

Love is a risk we all have to take sooner or later.

The Gift Is In The Giving

I recently turned 38 and started to wonder where the time went. I mean I still remember squeezing girls asses in elementary school and running away before they slapped me, " scratching my head" or was that Yesterday? Anyway I hate my B-day, I hate getting older, I hate having to act like i'm getting better when I know my body is trying to find ways to kill me daily. So What do I do ? Get depressed? Start a low carb diet so I can have the body of a twenty year old? Flirt with women 15 years younger than me to boost the ego? No. Instead I reflected, Took a look around and realized I am blessed to have had so many things. Now I figure its my turn to give back some of the love and commitment I have recieved throughout the years.


Yesterday after returning from Martha's Vineyard Shawnla's surprise B-day gift to MOI! We drive to the babysitter and pick up her son Little D. We get there and he gets in the car with this sullen look on his face. Now Little D is the quiet type but he's never that quiet so Shawnla turns around, smiles at him and says " Whats wrong baby" Little D looks up , eyes widen and he gives his usual grin and responds " Nothing mommy" Shawnla " Did you have a good weekend?" Little D " Yes Mommy" Shawnla turns back around, looks at me, shakes her from side to side, because her intuition is telling her something is wrong.


We're in the Apt now. Little D is still too quiet for Shawnla's taste so she sits him down on the couch and interrogates him some more, but Little D is sticking to the same story that nothing is wrong and all is good in his world. I ask Shawnla " What were you and the baby sitter talking about earlier " Shawnla responds " This and that. You know she always trying to gossip about somebody" she turns to Little D " I heard Mikey(babysitters son) got a new bike" Little D doesn't turn to look at his mom and nods his head in response. I realized then why he was being so quiet.

I get up from the chair I was sitting in and calmly say to Little D " Lets go" He looks up at me and responds " Where ? I say " To a place where bikes are in abundance" Little D looks at me puzzled " Abundance? " I laugh. Little D looks over at Shawnla for answers and she responds" Remember that suprise I told you about." Little D smiles " Yeah " Shawnla is grinning ear to ear now " SURPRIIIIISE! "

We both leave. Little D is still a bit confused about whats going on " Mr Slish are you taking me to get a bike ? I respond " Yup " Little D walks over to the drivers side of The Batmobile before he opens the door he asks "How can you afford to buy me a bike? What about your bills? I smile at him and respond " Little D when you get older you'll realize that if you work really hard you can pay your bills and buy nice things for the people that you care about. " He opens the car door and gets in I continue " Little D i'm not getting you this bike because your friend got one. Your good grades in school and the fact that you showed great character by not whining to your mother about not having one is the reason why. You're a great kid Little D and I'm a firm believer that Great kids should be rewarded." Little D smiles, fastens the seat belt around him, and we pull off.

10 minutes later Little D and I are in the store. He's trying to get the most inexpensive bike. I think to myself " This boy just like his mama" I guide him over to a Red and Chrome 21 speed Mongoose dirt bike. It glowed as it sat there all by itself. I look down at Little D " THIS is the bike! " Little D looks up at me then at the bike. His eyes widen " Yeeeeeah! " I call the attendant over " We'll take this one! " Attendant takes the bike off of the rack. Little D hops on it and rides it all the way to the cash register.

As we're walking out of the store . The security guard says to Little D " Yo little man! Thats a HOT bike ! Little D smiles at the security guard and nods in Agreement. Then he stops, walks over to me , places both his arms around my waste and says " Thank you Mr Slish "


That right there was the best birthday gift anyone could have given me.