You Don't Need to Know Everything

I like most people on this planet have Baggage. If I let someone open that suitcase it would cause a great cosmic disturbance. So I've decided when in any new relationship conversations about ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends or f#%K buddies be held to a minimum.

People tend to judge and make assumptions when you reveal too much about your past. Who wants to know why you broke up with your ex !!! Shouldn't you be happy that relationship ended ??? If it didn't both of you wouldn't be playing catch the nipple with your teeth under the sheets. Lets be real Fellow Bloggers no one wants to know about your past relationships and if your nervous about Stds both of you need to take yo asses to the clinic and get a clean bill of health before the bedroom games begin. Its that simple.

I remember back in the late 90's I was dating CORRECTION in love with this woman. Her name Butter Scotch . Pretty Face , Coke Bottle Figure, Light skinned and Full of attitude. She was all wrong for me. The women in my family dissaproved of this union almost immediately but I couldn't get enough of her. She made my dick feel like The Incredible Hulk on steroids.

We argued A LOT!!!!! broke up like every two months. One time we broke up for about 6 months. We got back together after some begging and pleading from yours truly( I'M NOT ASHAMED) During one of our beasting sessions i'm doing the Daddy Long Stroke in her juicy sugar walls. I feel some fingers tickling my nuts ???????? I'm like "OOOOOH SHIIIIIT!!!" eyes rolling in the back of my head now " That feels sooooo goooood " after hearing that she continues but with a twist. She grabs my ass with her left hand and is tickling my nuts with her right hand. HOLD UP!!!!! Butter Scotch ain't never done no shit like this in the past WHO THE f%^&K TAUGHT HER THIS SHIT!!!!!! My mind is doing cartwheels. I'm HOT RIGHT NOW!!!! but that shit was feeling soooooo good that anger quickly subsided. Danger is about to erupt!!!!! Butter Scotch senses my manhood is going to blow and whispers " Cum on my stomach" HUH????

WHO IS THIS NIGGA SHE WAS FUCKING AND HOW CAN I GET HIS NUMBER TO THANK HIS ASS !!!!!!

Who Got Game

I'm sitting at my desk talking to Philly Live on the phone. We talking shit as usual I say " Nigga you know I got more game than you" Philly Live " Is you crazy. I respond " I'm crazy!!!??? Who got that chick on Bp to agree to go on a date after your lackluster attempts caused her to run and hiiide. Philly responds " That don't mean SHIT!!!! Your just better with words than I am you INTERNET NERD!!!! try that shit up in the bar yo ! Bectha yo ass will get NO WHERE!!! I respond " Fine by me cause I like my women sober.

About two weeks ago Philly Live was in New York at my place. While waiting on his date to pick him up( A Referral by yours truly). He jumps on my computer and logs onto his favorite website BLACKPLANET.COM( Shout out to serial dater..lol) Philly live says " Slish come over here and look at this chick I tried to get with " I walk over and look at the pic. Philly Live says " She's hot right look at that body" I respond " Pics are decieving that might be her 3 YEARS AGO!!!! she might be a fat pig by now" Philly Live " You think??? I respond " Leave that chick alone besides the woman I set you up with looks 5 times better" Philly Live responds " She Better cause I drove all the way from Philly just to meet her" ( You guys can read about that date on Philly live's own blog. )

Few days go by. I'm bored at home. I decide to browse through Blackplanet.com and find out why Philly Live hadn't closed on that deal. What Philly didn' t know was that my computer saved his bp screen name. Since he his not the most complex muthf@#$KA I was able to figure out his pass word and log on to Bp as him. I find shorty he was trying to get at and start to read

Philly Live wrote: Subject: Whoa??

A-toy for me?? You can't be serious. How about I be a toy for U??? Think about it?? 4 real.. Oh and by the way, your pictures are fire. Thats why I wrote this note in the first place. So can I please get an invite? If not, I understand I know you must have alot of applications to review.

Not bad I say to myself let me read her response

Bp Girl writes: well well well Mr. Q-Dog...u r too cute for sending me this note!

Okay positive response so far

Philly writes back: Why I got to be Mr. Q Dog?? Mr. Q sounds so much better to me these days. I think that frat image has you confused. I'm such a good dog. And I'm a women's best friend. I'll do all the things your man won't do. And I would luv to have a toy to play with. Can you help me???

Oh, and as for being too cute to for sending you a note. When I saw your picture, I licked the screen. But I don't think you felt me. Do you feel me now?

This pitbull is moving waaaay too fast. Already he wants to hump her right leg.

Bp girl writes back: lol. i'm feeling u baby. definitely feeling u!

AWW HELL NO SHE FELL FOR THAT!!! then why did Philly say he didn't close the deal ? . Then I read further

Philly Live writes: Your feel'n me huh??? Well I'm feel'n you too luv. That's my word. Can I give you my number??? Can I have your number? Please say yes. Lets just talk and see what happens. I can be your homey. I could be your lover. Or I can be your friend.


Loser!!! He never learns. Can't move that fast when your dating on the net.

Bp Girl writes back: lol. u keep me smiling. but i'm not sure. I usually don't exchange numbers so fast. :)

Hahahaha I TOLD YA!!!!!

Philly Live writes: Hmmm.. Take your time... There is no rush. I'll wait until you feel comfortable iight... Until then 1

Bp Girl writes: thank u. i like that. and i appreciate it.

So far it looks like Philly Live has given up. Since he's my favorite cousin and its The Holidays I decide to give him a helping hand. So I gets to typing and pretend i'm Philly Live.

Slish pretending to be Philly Live writes: Just Dropped by...Wanted to let you know Xmas is around the corner . I need a toy thats built just right. Sturdy but fun to play with at the same time..got any suggestions...

Bp girl writes back: ha haaaaa! cute!

THATS IT!!!! it took me 15 minutes to come up with that slick shit .

Slish pretending to be Philly Live writes: CUTE!!! lol...Took me a whole hour to come up with that..All I get is a CUTE...I"LL TAKE IT!!!

How you been sweetie, Who's heart you breaking this week while i'm over here waiting on my turn...:)

Bp girl writes: sorry that i didn't give u more. but it was a good one! ok? :) and breaking hearts? what kind of a person do u think i am?


Uh oh think I might have made things worse . Think Slish Hmmmmm. Time to call on The Slasher !!!!!

Slasher pretending to be Philly Live writes: I think your the kind of person that I would like to learn more about...Yours Stats please ?

1. Happily single or unhappily single...

2. Bad ass Kids or well mannered children.

3. Job you like or Job you hate.

4. When you wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom do you pass yo mamas bedroom..lol


Bp girl writes : 1. happily single

2. no kids (brats or otherwise)

3. BUSINESS i love!

4. and live very much on my own! :)

very cute...this was amusing to me!

Slasher never lets me down. ROCK ON BRUH!!!!


Slasher pretending to Philly Live writes : Well Well Well looks like you've passed my prescreening test...and thats hard to do...Now for the compatibility part.

1. Whats in your cd player right now

2. What kind of food makes you go coo coo for coa coa puffs

3. Describe a night out on the town with you

4. Save the best for last. Satin bed sheets or linen...


Bp Girl writes back: 1. Mary J's Love & Life

2. Soul Food

3. Whatever we'd do on a nite on the town...we'd be having a lot of fun laughing and enjoying stimulating conversation.

4. Satin as long as the room is nice and toasty!


She WARMING UP!!!!! Time for the Slasher to close this deal

Slasher pretending to be Philly Live writes: So our first date would be at a nice and toasty soul food rest that plays some good r & b. Stimulating convo provided by yours truly. I say you take this offer and run with it...:)


Bp Girl writes back: how cute! that put a smile on my face! i think that i'll have to take your advice! :)


THE SLASHER HAS NOW LEFT THE BUILDING!!!!!!!!

Will I Ever Get Married written by Philly Live

Will I ever Get Married??? I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and thought to myself will I ever get married?? I'll be thirty-five this year. I have no kids (at least none that I know about). I have a pretty descent job with benefits and a penision. Hell I even went to college and graduated. I should be a good catch Right??? Wrong!!!! All I get is the drama and the bullshit. I just don't think marriage is in the cards for me especially with the women of today.

All you hear is this nonsense about I need a "Real Man" or I'm an independent woman and I don't need a Man to take care of me. Can do that my damn self." What the f&ck is a "Real Man"??? A man that will let you move into his crib and take care of you and your kids.. Yeah that's real... Real bullshit to me. And that Independent Woman Shit. Save it, put it in your pocket for later. How are you going to be independant with three kids and two baby daddies!!!! What real MAN!! wants to deal with that.

Now ofcourse all women do not fall into this category. There are plenty of of single women with no attachments that I could get with right? Wrong again!!!. These women seem to be pre-occupied with the drug dealers, rap niggas, or ball players. I call them The BBB( bling blung bitches). So where does that leave a brother like me?? Probably on the outside looking in because I refuse to compete. Shit is crazy.. And its real out here in the field.

See I think some women tend to judge a book by its cover. For example, who is likely to get more attention after the club lets out. A nigga pushing a Benz or a nigga pushing a Honda?? The average woman would have you believe that it does not matter but the average man knows that is bullshit.

Here's another example. Would the average woman check for Allen Iverson if he was working in Mc Donalds flipp'n burgers?. Would an average man check for Beyonce doing the same thing? My guess is HELL YEAH!!!! Because at the end of the day, that ass is still fat with or without the FAME .

In my humble opinion, I think women tend to be objective while men tend to be subjective. If you notice, women tend to pursue men on the same level or higher while men pursue women on any level. Again its the "Fat Ass / Low End Theory" that seems to hold true. Of course, there are exceptions but my point is this. A fat is ass is a fat ass whether she is from the projects or Bel Air. Oh and you know the other thing that kills me. The theory that women mature faster than men. That is such bullshit. Are there any studies to prove that nonsense?? The fact is younger women are just afraid to grow with there younger counterparts. So, they take the easy way out and get with an established older man. Its damn near the norm. While on the other hand, younger men rarely hook up with older women. We have an aversion to wrinkled pussy..

Anyway, I stopped looking for Mrs. PhillyLive because I know she does not exist. But I'm like LL " I need luv too" unfortunately, I get it in all the wrong places and I realize that. So what should I do??? I'm tired of hopping from bed to bed its no fun. The challenge is not there anymore. I have done too much. I'm ready to hang up my cleats. Its the fourth quater and its less than 2:00 minutes left on the game clock.. Philly is up by thirty and the coach has just put his best player on the bench.

I'm out

Check out my Blog Phillylive.blogspot.com

Four Letter Word

I've been on a no porn diet for 5 days now. I think my dick is going to jump out my pants and slap the shit out of me cause I didn't send him that memo. According to Grantlove porn can desensitize you. Laymens term when a porn addicted loser like myself decides to get busy with his lady . The Love injector might have a malfunction since it has become accustomed to visual stimulation( In other words watching some dude push some buxom long haired beauty's legs so faaar back that she can lick her toes makes Slishy go GRRRRRRRR!!!.) Hold on a sec I think I just got dizzy.

I was introduced to porn at the very young age of 9. My Mom had a close friend Ms Hinds whose older children were teenagers and the younger kids were about the same age as me and my sister so during school breaks we stayed at her house while my parents worked.


Ms Hinds had two sons G Man who was 13 and Waynski 8 ( Rest in peace Homie) . One day while visiting. G man and Waynski decide it was time for them to let me in on their secret. G man locks his room door while Waynski pulls back the dresser draw. Waynski sits on the bed . G Man goes behind the dresser and pulls out 3 shiny magazines I say " Why do you guys keep your comic books behind your bed? " Waynski starts to laugh hysterically G man SLAPS!!! him in the back of the head and says " SHUT UP!!!! before someone comes in here" he hands me one magazine it says HUSTLER!!!!! AND THERE IS A NAKED WOMAN ON IT!!!!! my hands start to tremble cause i'm thinking anytime now my mom is gonna come in and catch my ass!!!! So I dropped it on the floor. Waynski says " Stop being such a sissy you ain't never seen a nudy magazine? " I respond " Nooooo" G man hands me another magazine this one more graphic than the previous one. G man says " Go ahead open it they're better pictures inside." I do as i'm told and proceed. That very day I realized I wasn't a SISSY BOY!!!!! and looked forward to the day I would be able to place round nipples between my lips.

By the time I was a teenager I had already established my very own collection. The neigborhood kids daddies had secrets their wives knew nothing about. So I would take what naughty magazines I found in their basements or garages. Its not like they could tell their wives the titty magazines dissapeared. That didn't last too long. While making my bed my mother accidentally came across my mags, told my daddy who then instructed my mom to dump them in the trash. HATER!!!!!!

One summer day while sitting on my porch I see most of my boys going into Phantoms house. "Hmmm what goes on over yonder". I leave my porch and go across the street to see WTF was going on. I ring the bell. A few seconds later Phantom peeps through the little window on his door. He opens it slightly and says " What" I respond " What Ya'll doing " Phantom responds " Watching movies Why" I try to look over him and say " Who else in there?" Phantom blocking my view and responds " Nobody go away " I respond " Aww cmon ya'll always doing this to me. Phantom " Thats because you have a big mouth" I say " Ya'll watching dirty movies CMON LET ME IN!!!!! I push him to the side walk into his house and take my place amongst the future Whore Mongers .

Soon after my parents bought their own Vcr. I somehow conned the neighborhood video store owner into letting me rent porn. My addiction was full blown by the time I was 18. It got so bad when I learned to drive I started to visit 42nd street on a weekly basis with a pocket full of quarters for the peep shows. I was a certified porn fiend .

18 years later I find myself trying to kick the habit and its F!@#KING HARD!!!!!! Where is an FEA(FLESH EATERS ANONYMOUS) Sponsor when you need one.

Hello Kitty

I'm sitting at my desk. Daydreaming about taking my cuddle muffin to some Tropical Island she's never been to. Oh yeah we've reconciled. Spent most of last night making up for the time we were apart. Shit I wish we could break up again just to make up.

My cell phone starts to ring. Taking me out of paradise and back to reality. I look to see who it is. AWW HELL!!!!! Its Clipperman. I better answer it. He totaled his BMW last week during that snow storm. He hasn't been the same since. He injured his back while the fireman used the jaws of life to pull him out the wreckage. I pick up " Yo whats up" Clipperman " Yoooo Maaan you know any doctors that take no fault insurance" I say " All doctors take no fault insurance just have the claim number ready. Why whats the matter your back still giving you trouble" Clipperman " Yeah man. I think I made it worse by going back to work and cutting hair again" I respond " Why did you do that? Clipperman " I can't just sit around and do nothing all day" Dumb ass decides to be brave now. When that unruly barber threatened to kick his ass 2 months ago. Nigga stop cutting hair for a week. I respond " Your such an ass. You been taking your meds? " Clipperman responds " No. I don't want to overdose" I say " Jackass!!!! your not a CRACK HEAD!!!!! the doctors told you to take those meds to help loosen up the muscles in your back. Help get rid of the spasms." Clipperman " I know I know I'm gonna go to Docs. Have them check me out " I respond " Aiight call me if you need anything"

Two hours later I don't hear from Clipperman. I call him. Clipperman picks up " "Hello" I say " Hey what did the doctor say" Clipperman responds " I'm at Sound Shore Hospital in the er" I say" WHAT!!!! What the hell happened" Clipperman responds " The doctor told me to come here and get some xrays since they didn't have the epuiptment there. " I respond" How did you get to the hospital " Clipperman" EMS took me" I say " Where's your Van?" Clipperman " Docs office parking lot " I say " How are you going to get home. You need me to pick you up before I go to my evening job" Clipperman " Naw don't want to put you out your way . I called The Pharmacist she's coming to get me. " I say " Okay I'll call Corporate and let him know whats up. Later, on my way home from work i'll stop by your apt and Corporate and I will go and pick up your van." Clipperman responds " Okay"

I get to Clippermans apt at 8:50 pm . The Pharmacist ,Corporate and Clipperman are sitting down channel surfing. I decide to go next door to Corporates apt and raid his fridge. I find some hot and spicy wings, Bottle of soda and I come back over to Clippermans place to warm the food up.

I lick my greasy fingers dry after i'm done. Corporate gives me the nod to let me know he's ready to make that run and get Clipperman's van and leaves the apt. As The Pharmacist and I are leaving I say " Clipperman take your meds before you go to bed and don't go back to work until you can stand in an upright position. Right now you look like Qausimoto" Clipperman responds" I told you before I don't want to overdose besides they gave me a shot for the pain when I was in the ER " I respond " Suit yourself cripple"

Since Clipperman can't bend I take a look in his bedroom to make sure the bed was not full of clothes. No clothes on the bed but my Slish sense starts to tingle. Sheets look like two people were wrestling on top of it I say " Clipperman WTF happened to your bed" Clipperman " I had a rough night" I respond" ROUGH NIGHT???? HOLD UP!!!!! If you were in soooo much pain last night and today how the F@#$K were you able to make that kind of mess with your sheets. Clippermans eyes are dancing now. This only means he's trying to come up with a lie. I yell jokingly" YOU MUTHAF@#$KA !!!! Pharmacist decides this is her time to make an exit and leaves . Clipperman looks at me pitifully and says " Remember shorty from Brooklyn that came by the barber shop to see me when you were there chillin a few months back" I say " Yeah " Clipperman " Weeeellll she was here last night" I yell again " YOU DUMB NASTY MUTHAF@#KA got me feeling bad for yo silly ass and the WHOLE TIME!!!! you threw your back out F%&KING!!!! I could be in my bed sleep right now but NOOOO!!!! I have to be here with yo dumb ass cause you couldn't say no to some pussy!!!!! Clipperman responds " It wasn't my fault. She sat on top of me and since my back was hurting I was too weak to stop her. I say " BULLSHIT!!! Yo ass tried to get up under that pussy, therfore you picked that chick up, slipped cause your a clumbsy nigga and threw your back out!!!!! We both start laughing at the same time Clipperman responds " Aiight you got me " he walks into his bedroom and comes out with her panties grinning ear to ear and points to the name tag on her draws .

What does it say? HELLO KITTY!!!!!! Now how is a nigga supposed to say no to that !!!!!

She Couldn't Hear Me Over The Music

I feel like i'm in the twilight zone when it comes to me and relationships. Why does everything good always go bad when it comes to my personal life. Barneys and I broke up last week Thursday. It happened so fast. One minute she's calling me Pumpkin the next minute she was cussing me out worse than someone with Tourettes Syndrome.

Despite what i've told my friends, family & you( Barneys). I miss you woman. The question is can we be in a relationship ? I don't know. We're both stubborn and set in our ways. You have some things going on I can't accept and you've read some things on this blog that made you question how commited I was to our new relationship.

Why do I write ??? . I write to release stress and talk about things that are on my mind. Its a form of self expression for me like your poetry( Which you have never shared ) I'm sure you have thoughts you could never tell me because maybe it would hurt my feelings or I wouldn't understand. I told you about my blog because i didn't want to hide anything from you. I also explained when you first asked me for my blog web address that reading it was not a good idea. There would be subject matter in here that would raise your eyebrows.

I'm not a saint and I know I wasn't always forth coming with you. One thing I am sure about is that when we were together hugged up in your bed. Being a Saint didn't seem so far fetched.

Philly Live NASTY GIRL The Finale

I jump on the E-way and head toward Delaware. But first I make a quick stop to pick up some Magnums. Even though I been hit'n this chick for a minute I refuse to go RAMBO with NO VEST like she requested.

Anyway, I'm traveling slightly above the speed limit, seat belt on, and listening to R. Kelly's 12 Play. I get to her crib at 10:30 earlier than expected. I call her cell, then her house phone NO ANSWER!!!. I circle the block and noticed her car is nowhere to be found. "What the fuck is this shit about" I say to myself. Suddenly, my cell is ringing. Its a blocked number but I answer the horn anyway. Its HER!!!! She asks "Where are you? I reply "I'm on 95 and i'll be at your place in twenty minutes. Why whats the matter ??? She ignores my question and says " I just got out of the shower i'm here waiting for you." I respond sarcastically " Really"... Know'n this beeotch is f&*k'n lying.

I parked my car on the next block and posted up in the park accross the street from her crib on some stalker type shit. She pulls up to her place at 11pm SHARP!!!! but she's not alone. OH SHIT!!!.... Delaware Cutie is with another guy and check this OUT!! ITS NOT HER BABY DADDY!!!!!.

I play the background and watch everything. She hugs & kisses this nigga then he leaves. Damn she's a grimmey chick. Ten minutes later, she calls me asking me where I'm at??? I reply, I'm around the corner and I'll be there in a minute luv. Actually, I was on the phone with Chocolate Chip try'n to set some shit up. She was given me a run for it too, but then I said something that sparked her interest. Anyway I tell Chocolate Chip i'm heading into a club she says " Okay Call me later" I hang up so I can handle the business at hand.

Delaware's answers her door wear'n nothing but a tee shirt and panties. WHOA!!!... Needless to say, we didn't make it to the bedroom. I hit that ass right on the couch. Now its time to leave. I washed my man off, got dressed and broke out. As I was walking down the street, I noticed a car pull up and park in front of her house. DAMMM!!!!!.. Its her baby daddy. "If he only knew ", I say to myself and kept it move'n.

I hop in my car and head back to Philly. On my way home, I got bored and called Chocolate Chip. Its 2am now. Her phone rings three times before she finally picks up. She tells me she can't sleep and wants some company. Chocolate Chip didn't have to tell me that shit twice I get to her crib in a half an hour. I knock on the door and she lets me in. All the lights were off, candles burning, with some Luther play'n on the radio. Okay playa I say to myself . Once again its on...

We make small talk on the couch but it only lasted for a minute. She un-zips my pants and put my hammer right in her mouth. This chick is a pro. mailto:F&@$KKKK!!!.. Thought I was going to shoot my load right then and THERE!!! . Then she started talk'n to the mic sayin all kinds of nasty shit. Finally, I bust the nut of my f&$k'n life. She calmly gets up, goes to bathroom, and wipes herself off. Then she comes back and politely tells me to bounce. She also stated I should never call her again. To this day, I have not seen or heard from my Chocolate Chip....

Guy Rules 101

Rumor has it Philly Live is working on his next installment. It will be posted shortly. As for me i'm just trying to keep my head above water. Meaning THE HONEY MOOOOON IS OOOOOVER between Barneys and I. We almost broke up this weekend. I remember Monie Love whispering in my ear right after I introduced her to Barneys " That woman is going to give you a hard time beeee careful. " Monie got skillz cause I didn't see the train coming.

Apparently Barneys does not think I am 100 % invested in this relationship. HOLD UP!!!! before you guys start passing judgement I have done nothing to give her that impression. But we all know I can be a bit dense and insensitive. So more than likely I did one, two or maybe three things causing my cuddle muffin to have some reservations about our recent union.

1. Corporate and I had a minor dispute in front of Barneys. This made her uncomfortable since she believes I was in the wrong. I kindly reminded her that Corporate and I always have these cat fights it comes with our dysfunctional friendship.

2. That same night at Corporates Holiday Party . She claims I introduced her to all my Boys as my girlfriend. When she met my female friends I was told I did not use the word girlfriend. This I could not remember because I don't recall anything after that 3rd glass of Rum Punch.

3. Again on that same night Barneys notices I had disappeared for about 15 minutes . When she found me I was in Corporates office having a chat with my home girl Agent 99. She found this completely unacceptable. Explains why Barneys tried to take a cab to her girls house. Here I was thinking Corporates corny ass friends were too much for her to take.

Now I gave explanations for every one of those topics listed above. Barneys response" Slish it is too early in our relationship to be having these kinds of disputes. We should be in our honeymoon faze everything is supposed to be perfect. I respond " Barneys the last boyfriend you had did you guys go through a looong honeymoon period" Barneys says " Yes" The Slasher responds " Then why am I the one sucking on your lips regularly. That honeymoon period is bullshit. Couples disagree all the time doesn't mean they care about each other any less. Yeah we're having a bumpy train ride right now doesn't mean we won't get to our destination and if you keep looking for potholes yo ass might step in one, get stuck, and left behind

Now ladies my sweetie included here are a few rules to follow when dealing with the opposite sex.

Guy Rules 101

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

2 Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. ( This doesn't apply to me I hate watching sports)

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. ( Going into five different stores looking at the same shoe then going back to first store to purchase that shoe is F@#%KING IDIOTIC!!!!

5. Crying is blackmail. Witholding sex is suicidal.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

13. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

17. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.( Well not really )

18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

Philly Live Part 2

After giving a valid reason as to why I had a power failure, Figured I had Chocolate Chip & Pretty Brown set-up. I based my thoughts on the look in their eyes. Now, I got a problem. Which one should I bag up? F&$%k it, I'm a greedy nigga and my conscious is telling me both. Suddenly, my cell is ringing in my pocket. Do I answer it and risk looking like a playa. HELL YEAH!!!..... A bird in the hand is worth more than two in a bush. F@#4ck it I answer my cellie...Its my Delaware shorty whose baby's father threaten to kill me in the movie theater a few months back, BUT DID I CARE!!! She got the fattest ass on the planet!!!. Long story short, she is try'n to get it in before her man comes home. Who said women ain't grimmey too. Her man is out driving a Greyhound bus some where try'n to feed his family and she wants me to come over and curl her toes . Anyway, I tell her I'll be through at 1:00 and hang up.

Meanwhile, Chocolate Chip left the room. I guess she went to the bathroom or something. This is perfect, I say to myself. Time to make a move. I give Pretty Brown the googly eyes and a smile and it seems to work. By the look in her eyes, she seems some what interested. Unfortunately, some other nigga is in her ear right now and he's try'n to put his bid in. That's that bullshit right there but i'm a patient man. Hope this nigga know about the "5 minute rule" when try'n to bag a chicken. OH SHIIT!!!!!... Here comes Chocolate Chip with her sexy ass and she is about to enter my GROPE ZONE (any area within arms reach). My heart is pounding. I'm nervous.Its like I never did this bull shit before. I stop her and ask her what her name is. She replies Stacey with a smile. I get aggressive and ask her does she have a man. She replies yes kinda of sort of. HMMM.. My spider sense is tingling now but I don't want to play myself out of position. So I respect the boyfriend excuse and I gave her a few compliments and decided to break out. Wait she replies.. Then she reaches in her purse, pulls out a business card and scribbles her cell number on the back.

Whoa, now I'm thinking, one down and one to go. So, I decided to circle back too Pretty Brown. But now, some new nigga different than before is in her ear. Pretty Brown is getting way too much attention for me. I guess thats what happens when you try to scoop up a dime. F@#$k it, I'm from the hood and where I come from two nickles equals a dime. Translation: Look for a below average chicken with a fat ass.

Now that Pretty Brown is out of the picture and Chocolate Chip is essentially bagged up, I began to focus on the other women in the room. DAMN!!!!!, my cell is ringing again. This time its a text message. Its my Delaware shorty and she wants to change the time of the booty call to 11pm. Fuck it, I'm done here. I'm ready to bounce and get my MOE JOE work'n.

Part 3 coming soon

A Man's Worst Nightmare written By Philly Live

Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to introduce you to my guest writer this evening. THE ONE and ONLY PHILLY LIIIIIIIVE!!!!!! Get to typing. SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!!! see if this shit runs in the family.


Oh no, this is not happening. I can't believe this bullshit. This is what goes through most niggas heads when we experience a "Power Failure." And to be honest, every man has had at least one in there lifetime if not more. What is a "Power Failure?" A power failure is when your dick does not get hard or will not stay hard when your about to do the nasty. It is the moment of truth, but its also a man's worst nightmare. But why?

Recently, I was at a gathering and remember this topic being discussed. I didn't want to say shit, but somehow I got involved. Maybe it was that fat round ass sitting accross the table from me with the pretty brown eyes or was it the Chocolate Chip shorty who was sitting right next to Pretty Brown Eyes. I mean she was head to toe tasty. Whatever the case may be, I felt like 2PAC because all of a sudden Pretty Brown Eyes decided to shout me out. All EYES ON ME!!!!!!

I had a few drinks in me and I was definitely feeling good about myself. Next thing I knew Pretty Brown Eyes Said " Philly has this ever happened to you". I hesitate and say "Ahhhh yeah. Its happened before. But it wasn't my fault and I'm not taking the blame for that SHIT!!!!!. Pretty Brown Eyes looked perplexed and wanted me to elaborate. I knew I had her then. Her round ass would be mine TONIGHT!!! shiiiiiit if I play my cards right. Think I might slip Chocolate Chip my number too cause she giving me the googly eyes.

Anyway, I looked to my left then slowly looked too my right and began to explain that fateful night. I met this chick from North Philly. She was a hood rat with one seed which is usually common for an up North chick. Her body was ridiculous but her intelligence level was low. Translation, EASY TARGET!!! So, I bagged her. This was going to be nothing more then a cheap thrill for the kid. A few nights on the town and I was in. It was finally the moment of truth. She was looking ultra sexy on the night her panties came tumbling down. I dove in head first like a true nigga would. SPLASH!!!!! DAMN SHE WAS WET!!! This was too good to be true I knew something would go wrong. Anyway I put the sock on the pickle and proceeded with caution. I put Hood Rat in the pretzel position and WHAM!!!! HER RUGRAT COMES INTO THE ROOM!!!!. But it was too late, he saw everything. He charged towards me yelling and screaming " STOP STOP what are you doing WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY MOOOOM!!!!. I'm thinking SHIIIIIT!!! two more strokes was all I needed for the eruption of Mt St.Helen. I hopped up, dick dangle'n and a shook one. I guess all the noise woke his little ass up . It took her an hour to put him back to sleep. But by then the guilt had already set in. What if that was my kid who witnessed that shit. Kids remember everything and are very impressionable at that age. Now I got this crumbsnatcha thinking his mom is a HOE!!! We tried to pick up where we left off but my dick just wasn't in it. It would not get hard. Thus, a power failure.

Just Another Day

I get up yesterday about 9 am. Turn on my computer. Decide I need to start making some old school cds for my coworker/buddy Oldschool's retirement party. I check my email and read the suggested playlist I requested from Grantlove two days ago. SHIT!!! this nigga got about 100 songs on this list !!!! I scan through it and notice one song. Ray Parker Jr & Raydio " A Woman Needs Love". I open Limewire and download that bad boy immediately. I start listening. Pretty Boy Ray can't sing for shit but the lyrics to that song OH HOW TRUE THEY ARE!!!! I realize then I should have called Barney's that night. I do some foolishness like that again I'LL BE SINGING THIS SONG TO MYSELF!!!!!

While I'm downloading and listening to these songs. I'm flooded with all these memories about what I was doing at the time any of these songs were being played on the radio.

Mary Jane Girls All Night Long: Skate key doing the caveman dance. While watching asses twitch in their lee jeans.

Dennis Edwards Don't Look Any further: Wasn't that video on Hot Tracks. Siedah Garrett has one hell of a voice. Why every dude in my neighborhood quoted that Chorus???

Gap Band I Found My Baby: I remember watching that video and thinking how cool it was watching Uncle Charlie lose his little girl and find her at the end of the video. That shit would be corny NOW!!!!

Michael Jackson I Can't Help It: All these years now we finally know what HE COULDN'T HELP!!!!! Listen to the words !!! I think it was a love song to Emannuel Lewis.

My cell phone rings during my mix fest. Its my cousin Philly Live I pick up " What do you want loser" Philly responds " Yo I'm coming to NYC to meet that shorty you referred to me " I respond " Oh yeah what time " Philly " Once I get this hair cut i'll head on out maybe about 3 pm." I say " Kewl have fun and no R.Kelly moments" Philly Live responds" HUH?? what do you mean by that? I say " No feelin on her boo whoo teee" He laughs and hangs up.

A little later I call my boy Cutmaster D and confirm my Dj lesson for 10 am this morning . My goal to be Dj ready by my 37th B day. I'm gonna spin people. Dj Slish like Diddy gonna run this city. 2006 look for me in a lounge near you. For Private Party's please call my manager/ music coordinator Grant Love.

7 pm my loser ass is still indoors. Now that Barneys and I are an item. I've been keeping a low profile trying to find things to occupy The Slasher. Unfortunately for me Barneys is attending her company Xmas party ( No significant others allowed) giving the Slasher too much free time to get into some unlawful shit. So far i've created about 3 hours of Classic Cuts for my Buddy Old School and Philly Live is sitting on my couch waiting for his date to give him the call of life. His dumb ass comes to NYC later than she expected now he has to wait until she's done handling her business.

9:30pm Philly Live gets the call he's been waiting for. She arrives at 10 pm and picks his slow ass up. I'm asleep by 12 midnite

Slow day in Mr Slish's Neighborhood.

Click below Song featured today " A Woman Needs Love" Ray Parker Jr

Can't Win

Relationships are hard for a guy built like me. For starters i'm extremely selfish( A no no) 2. I don't take orders well(Please send me to the grocery store with a list!!!). 3. I'm a caveman. I don't think a grown man should have to answer to anyone but himself( A trait no married man should have) 4. I firmly believe there is a double standard in relationships where women get away with shit men could never dream of doing. Most men accept that. The SLASHER refuses to.

Now I've tried to bury this side of my personality(SLASHER) many times. It only makes me miserable and uncomfortable. I do my best work when under his influence. I'm fearless, aggressive, assertive, & downright charming when the Slasher is driving. Once I let Slish take over everything seems like i'm running up a hill with oil on it I NEVER GET TO THE TOP!!!!

Well the Slasher's cocky, selfish attitude has gotten him in trouble once again. Last night I made plans to see Barneys. Originally she was going to come over to The Batcave, but I had a meeting to attend at 7:o0 pm didn't want to leave her there alone. So I told her once the meeting was over I would come to her place and cuddle the night away.

My future business partners arrive at 7:30pm. We meet and greet, our host provides us with refreshments, therefore the meeting doesn't start till 8pm. The roundtable discussion was going very well everyone seemed to be on the same page as to what our future business endeavors were going to be. Before I knew it!!! It was 9:45 pm. I should have called Barneys an hour before and let her know I was running late. Why didn't I do that ???? Please read Slish personality flaws # 3 in the 1st paragraph of this entry.

I call Barneys as soon as I get into my car. Phone rings about 5 times then her voicemail picks up. I hang up without leaving a message. Slish sense starts to tingle . She's pissed. I wait about 15 minutes expecting Barneys to call me back and say " Sorry baby I was in the shower didn't hear the phone" but my Slish sense is NEVER WRONG!!!! that call is never recieved. I decide to call her back and leave a message this time. The message stated "Sweetie I just got out of my meeting I apologize for the inconvenience if your still awake i'll come right over. Once again i'm sorry " I hang up. My cell phone rings 5 minutes later I pick up " Hey mama. I'm so sorry those dudes just kept running off at the mouth. Everytime we finished one topic someone would start a new one." Barney responds " Its fine" that was waaay too easy I say " Its Fine ???? as in your not fine" Barneys" Correct. Why did you make plans with me if you knew you couldn't keep them. We both have to work tommorrow. What kind of quality time are we going to spend together now its after 10pm. A simple phone call would have been appreciated. Now fellas we all know calling Barneys at 8:45 pm would not have made a difference in her attitude. Why do I say this , what gives her away , the first sentence that came out of her mouth " Why did you make plans with me if you knew you couldn't keep them"

Women!!!!!! they always want you to be Honest. But honesty just gets you in more trouble.

Can't win.

The Devils Rejects

The Homeless. You see them on the train, they open the door for you at your favorite fast food restaurant asking for money. Try and give them half of your sandwich. They'll SLAP THAT SHIT RIGHT OUT YO HAND!!!!. They get on my f@$king nerves I have no sympathy.

Think about it. Anyone with good sense who falls on some hard times will find a way to maintain themselves and keep a roof over their heads. These derelicts out in the street now. Have too many vices. Crack, Heroin, Alcohol, and Mental Illness can all be managed with rehab or medication. These assholes treat rehab like its clubmed and they almost never take their medication. Why? Cause they don't think they are Deranged Crazy or Confused.

My cousin Screwface got out of the psyche ward 3 weeks ago. His ass got locked up for assault and resisting arrest a week after his release. This really PISSED ME OFF!!!! While he was in the hospital I pleaded with him to go to rehab for his drinking and take his meds for his aggressive behavior and mood swings. I also made arrangements for him to get a job making about 11.00 dollars an hour even with his petty criminal record. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS NIGGA SAID TO ME!!!! " Naw Slish I don't want to be anywhere that has rules. " I say " Screwface they are rules everywhere even on the street. Get your mind right" Screwface " My mind is right. When I leave here I'll find me a nice park bench in Washington Square Park " I say" EXCUSE ME??!!! What about when it gets cold" Screwface starts chuckling" Yo son you think I'M STUPID. I have an ATM card yo. All I have to do is sleep in one of those atm booths." I had to keep the Slasher from jumping across the table and kicking his ASS!!!!! I respond" Is that the life you want for yourself" Screwface agitated now " Why can't you just let me be. If this life is fine for me why can't it be fine for you" OH HELL NO!! This nigga trying to get all Obi One Kenobi on me. He really likes living on the street!!!! Its liberating for him!!!!!

Something clicked in my head when Screwface made that statement . Most Homeless people living on the street not shelters ON THE STREET!!! might have the same mentality as Screwface and only pretend to want help but really like the freedom of living in this city's dark alleys and subway stations. I say F@#$K EM . They will not get a penny more from my ass. As a matter of fact we should all STOP giving money to these rejects it just gives them more of a reason not to try and make things better for themselves

We need to stop blaming this city for a growing problem that is beyond their control. You can only help those who help themselves.

This madness needs to end.

Pleasure

Oooooh YEAH!!!!! Its on now Venom!!! But not today its the Holiday Season i'm feeling festive. Slasher says BEWARE!!!!! Your gonna step in shit and He'll be RIGHT THERE!!! when you do. Chez and I quote " I will become that cold BronxLawyerB*tch in a New York Minute when faced with bullsh*t or bias. " I think my dick got HARD!!!! when I read that. WHEW I LIKE IT!!!! The Slasher will be visiting your page on a regular basis now.

Recently I came across another fellow Blogger( Serial Dater) whose stories are quite interesting. Long but entertaining. I will now attempt to roll through my mental Rolodex and come up with a story to match one of his. Sing along now AND THE STORY GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIIIIIKE THIIIIIS !!!!

Fall of 1992 I was 23 years old Phantom and I shared an apt in the bronx. We could barely pay rent and never had any food but our Chocha supply was never ending . Well Phantoms was I had to ration mine. Halloween Night I get a call from my homegirl Pleasure. She was a Suny Purchase College student at the time and was feeling kind of homesick " Slish what you doing tonight" I respond " Nothing just laying low" Pleasure " Come and get me lets do something" I respond " Do what I ain't got no money to take you anywhere, Shiiiit they just turned off my cable" Pleasure " So. I don't want to be on campus niggas act stupid up here on Halloween" I say "You know Phantom is my roommate". Pleasure " AND?? what that got to do with me" she trying to act new think I don't know Phantom tapped that ass. I hooked them up right before we moved into our apt. I respond " Okay give me 45 minutes"

I hop in my 91 acura integra. Nicknamed the Blue Fox. That car was sweet, dope sound system and NO TINTS. I wanted people to see how Fly I looked driving that bad boy anyway I digress . I arrive at Suny Purchase about an hour later. I knock on Pleasures door. Churchmouse opens it she was Pleasures roomate at the time I say " Wheres your girl" Churchmouse responds " In her room. Where ya'll going? I ignore her and head to the bedroom. I walk in. Pleasure is putting on her coat for us to leave she sees me in the doorway runs over and gives me a tight hug. She smelled and felt soooo good. I've always had a crush on this woman but figured she wouldn't be attracted to a guy Like me. So what do you do . You keep it in the family and hook her up with one of your boys that is definitely her type. Walaaah The Phantom and Pleasure connection.

We leave her dormitory and get back to my apt in 40 minutes. As we're walking in I whisper " Be quiet Phantoms bed room light is still on. " Pleasure responds " Why we ain't doing nuthin. I say " Shhh " and usher her into my bedroom. Pleasure sits on my futon and takes of her coat. Revealing a form fitting wife beater. Danger starts to push through my zipper and THE SLASHER begins to stir. I turn on my televison IMMEDIATELY!!!. Trying to distract my eyes from Pleasures dancers body and full shiny lips.

Since my cable was shut off the only channel that I could see clearly was ABC. We looked at the snow filled screen for a little while. Then Pleasure turns to me and says " Slish you have some boxers I can put on" I respond " For What" Pleasure " To sleep in" I say " SLEEP IN?!? YOU STAYIN THE NIGHT!!!" Pleasure responds " Yeah I told you I don't like to be on my campus on Halloween night" I go through my drawer and hand her my favorite pair. She leaves the bedroom and goes into the bathroom and comes back out with the boxers on. I could see her round ass cheeks slightly as she walked by me and sat down. I used my left hand to keep my right hand from grabbing what didn't belong to me cause the Slasher had already taken control over that side of my body.

Pleasure says to me " Slish pass me your lotion" I comply with her request . She squeezes out some lotion. Raises her right leg slightly above my bed and gently rubs the lotion into her caramel candy skin. She repeats the same motion with her left leg . Before I knew it things started to move in slow motion. All the blood vessels in my body had decided to gather themselves at the TIP OF DANGER!!!! The slasher stirs and is trying desperately to take control of my body, but i won't let him. Shes my friend besides i'm not about to embarrass myself, make a move, and then get " Slish we're just friends remember" I grab my pillow and start to leave my bedroom. Pleasure says " Where are you going" I respond " I'm going to bed " Pleasure " But your bed is right here. I say " Yeah but I figured since we're friends you wouldn't feel comfortable us being in the same bed. So I'm going to sleep on the couch in the living room" Pleasure gives me this warm smile and says " Slish thats sweet. No need for you to do that. I know you won't try anything. I trust you. " Story of my life back then NICE GUY SLISH NEVER GETS THE ASS!!!!! I respond " You sure" Pleasure says " Yeah its cool stay"

I put my pillow back on the bed , take my jeans off, turn off the televison and we both go to bed. 20 minutes go by Pleasure is sound asleep. The Slasher just can't take it anymore and has taken control of my entire body. He starts to toss and turn purposely wakes up Pleasure. Pleasure " Slish whats the matter why are you moving around so much" The Slasher responds " I'm not used to this SHIT!!! when a beautiful woman sleeps in my bed we're usually not sleeping. I can't take THIS!!! I'm going into the living room " I start to get up Pleasure grabs my arm and rolls on top of me and seductively says " I feel the same way. I've been curious about you for a while now. " OH SHIT !!!! did she just say what I think she said. Before I could respond our tongues were already licking each others bodyparts . I grab for the Jimmy a minute later Danger is trying to fit itself into a very tight space. He succeeds . How do I know? Pleasure moans Slii Sliiiiis SLIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!! I didn't know you were you were Sooooo " No need for me to stroke my own ego cause I might start playing with myself.

That night Pleasure and I bumped bodies several times and in several different positons. We snuck out the apt after Phantom went to work I took her back to her Dorm. This went on for about two months until my big mouth caused me to lose some of the best piece of chocha I ever had.

Isn't that the way it usually goes down in Mr Slish's neighborhood.