Does anyone know what the definition of insane is. Take a moment....tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc. Okay time is up.

Clinical definiton: An individual who lacks reason or cognitive thought.

Slish's definition: Grantlove trying to give me advice. You try sleeping with the lights on allllll night & venom your the only heterosexual I know that has to sit on the toilet to take a piss. Thats right venom your pops told me how he really wanted a girl.

I hate when people say " Slish stop looking it will come." WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!! Walk around with my eyes closed hoping to bump into someone thats my type. Chill with that noise. Grantlove when you met Mrs Grantlove. Were your eyes closed?. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!! You were looking nucca. Lookin to get out of the situation you were already in. No need for details. Check this out. What ever struggles got you to where you are today it paid off . Let me go through mine to get to where I need to be. So no more commentary like "Take your time Slish", "She's out there you just have to be patient Slish." Time waits for no man and my time is now. For the record I am more focused now than I ever was. Multitasking happens to be my specialty.

Now for the news of the day. Barneys called me last night . Thought I was out the game. Apparently i'm not. Turns out she's having a hard time reading me. She's the one thats not sure where things stand between us. Ain't that some shit. Turns out Barneys is an old fashioned kind of gal. She takes courting very seriously. The most important thing for her is finding some common ground with the person she potentially becomes romantically involved with. Meaning Slish ain't getting no draws for at least 3 months or until she has what women call a MOMENT!!! occasionally when a woman is dating someone new depending on the climate , state of mind, or swagger of her gentle man caller she might drop her panties early. If that happens every brotha should have their "Your not a hoe speech" prepared.

Tonight is Ds3 B-day party. I will attend. But will not be buying any drinks for myself or anyone else. My ass is broke. I'm sure someone up in there will have loose pockets . Cat if your reading this i'm counting on ya...lol

I think i'm horny . I was taking a piss this morning and during mid urination my dick stopped, JUMPED UP!!!! and punched me dead in my face " Slish what are doing its been 3 weeks since I seen some chocha you starting to make me angry you wouldn't like me when i'm angry. What are you trying to prove " Damn I guess it has been 3 weeks. Come to think of it I haven't had any new pussy since the new year. All my body bumping has been with women i've known for years. Can't seem to close on any new deals.

I begin to worry. So I look in my bathroom mirror for wrinkles and facial deformities and notice nothing. I'm still oh so fresh and so clean as a matter of fact I look DAMN good for my age. No pot belly , my gray hairs are easily removable, & my teeth are still white and intact. I scratch my head " Slish why can't you close on any new deals? " Is it your swagger, could it be the lyrics you spit are out of date, or your style of dress is waaay to metrosexual therefore confusing the sista's who may want to approach you?. I can't call it.

The momentum I thought Barneys and I had seems to have come to a screeching HALT!!!! Some how after she told me she sleeps with the lights on all the time made me a little apprehensive. When we speak now it seems different, forced somehow. I ask her when she's available she comes up with the usually i'm not interested in you Slish excuses . My cousin and family are coming over, I'm braiding my friends hair. I even offered to pick her up from work one day and she turned me down and said " Slish thats sweet but I would get home faster if I took the train. AAGHHH!!!! She doesn't get it . Or maybe she does and this is her way of fading me out. Nevertheless my search will continue, or maybe not. Could be what I am looking for is right in front of me and my vision is waaaaay to blurry to see it clearly.

Might be time for a new pair of glasses.

I have a free moment. Figured I would come and chat with you guys while i'm at work. I've been on a diet the past few weeks. Why?? well my Nana called me fat and a coworker slapped me on my stomach while I was on line in Mcdonalds and said " Slish stay out of Mcdonalds" She got some nerve!!!! Her stomach is as round as her ass. Nevertheless my quest for weight loss has begun. 1st week was hell no bread & rice allowed, only meat. Every meal felt like a snack. MY ASS WAS STILL HUNGRY!!!! 2nd week was a little better my belly wasn't as round and I felt less sluggish. 3rd week I cheated bought a whoole red velvet cake and plan on eating every bit of it.

This past Saturday my family was invited to my cousins wedding. My lil sis calls me in the morning and asks if I could pick up her and my mom and drive them to the wedding. I agree to do so. Biiiiig mistake. My mom is notorious for being a back seat driver. I get to the house at about 3 : 45 PM called my sis and let her know I was outside. They come out & get in the car . Mom says " Slishy I have the directions right here. Want me to tell you how to get to the church" I respond "Nope just give me the address we'll let the car find it " Mom responds " The car??? she starts looking around " You mean the car can tell us how to get there? I respond " Yep " Mom " Excuuuuuuse me" Lil Sis says " Your just showing off you know the church is right off I95 you don't need navigation for that. " she's such a HATER!!!! I look back at her, smile, and pull off.

We're on I95. I'm cruising at about 65 -70 miles an hour. My mom is already telling me to slow down and asking why I haven't used my blinker I say " What happened the last time you told me to slow down" Mom responds " You went faster ? " I respond" Thats riiight so be quiet this car can hit a hundred at anytime. My sis shakes her head and says " Thats why I didn't drive " This quiets my mother for all of six minutes then she says " Slishy why are you not using your blinker when you switch lanes " I respond "MOM!!!! I am using the blinkers. Cars today don't have that tic tic noise anymore. she responds " Ooooooh and looks at my side of the car to make sure I'm not lying .


So far my navigation system has us going in the right direction. My mother is very impressed. Mom " Slishy the car talks to you and tells you when to get off right? " I respond " Yes ma" She replies " Then why hasn't it told you to get in the right lane CAUSE WERE COMING UP TO OUR EXIT RIGHT NOW !!!!!" I look at my sister she's shaking her head side to side, then I look at my mother's shiny brown face and we both started to laugh. She knew what she said was stupid, but when you're with the people you love most in the world you can get away with it. Like the Ojays sang " I"LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA SHE'S MY FAVORITE GIRL"....you only get one folks cherish the time you share with them.

Monday I HATE MONDAYS!!!! Too much work and not enough time to finish it. Only good thing about mondays is that the day goes quickly WHY?? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO MUCH WORK TO DO!!!!!

My mind wonders while at my second job. Could it be I don't want to be there. Anyway this memory pops into my head. I start to giggle to myself and think back to the 7th grade. Good and Plenty , Grantlove & myself had this fine teacher blond hair, blue eyes, tight ass, and always wore tight pants. This was a no no. A bunch of horny african american boys who've been taught white women are forbidden fruit is a recipe for disaster. Well on this particular day our teacher comes in with the tightest pants we've ever seen her in. One of our classmates who happend to be sitting in front of Good & Plenty decides to reach out and pretend to squeeze our Blond Bombshell's ass. Good & Plenty couldn't let an oppurtunity like this pass without his input and SLAPS!!!! our classmates hand causing him to grab our teachers booty. Our classmate is studdering " It Wha It was It was him" and points to Good & Plenty. Good and plenty had this way of keeping a straight face during times of danger. She looked at him but his poker face was tight.. Our classmate was punished, Blond Bombshell probably got an ego boost & we had a good laugh....

I get home and check my missed calls on my cell. I see that Corporate America left a message. I call him back "Yo whats up" Corporate " Ahh nothing" I respond " I was calling to let you know me & a bunch my boys are playing paintball next month. Want to go? Corporate responds " Kewl I'll drive" that was waaay to easy. My slish sense starts to tingle. Better end this convo quick I respond "Aiight fine by me" Corporate says " So what else is going on " which really means he has something on his mind and needs me to ask whats going on with him. I respond " Nothing just working" Corporate says in this sullen voice " I'm on the market again. The Consultant and I broke up" AWW HELLL!!!!! I have to give him at least a 1/2 an hour of phone time , really have to listen and give my input. I respond " What happened you guys looked fine a couple of weeks ago" He responds " Things are not always what they seem " booooy do I know that. he continues " We had some differences that just couldn't be worked out. The slasher in me wants to say What she catch you trying on her pink thong while singing IM EVERY WOMAN!!!! but I respond " Sorry to hear that" Corporate " Its cool it was mutual"

Turns out my buddy has turned to the Lord in a really big way . He's been studying the scriptures heavily. He f%&%ED up when he tried to spread the word to The Consultant. She wasn't having it. That whole the man is the head of the household was not part of her movement. I don't blame her but she could have been smarter about it cause my boy is PAIIIID!!!!! Him making a statement like that only means he's willing to foot the bill for everything . Just because your man wants to see that your taken care of doesn't mean he wants to control you or be your daddy. Its just the way we express our love. So aaallll you 30 plus never been married females out there. Let a man just be man. He doesn't have to know your faking.

Its 8:30 am Sunday morning. I've been running around since Thursday. Trying to get my world in a alignment. Don't ask me what that means I still don't know.

Thursday I had a meeting with my Financial counselor. It went well. She pretty much said "Slish if your going to buy a house you need to make more money " I respond " How much more" Counselor says " A looooot more, or you could just buy a multifamily which will generate some income helping you towards the mortgage." I say " Bet . Lets do that" Then I start thinking, Slish you have a short fuse and you can't fix shit " HOW ARE YOU GONNA BE A LANDLORD!!!!!! I start getting depressed all over again, take my paperwork, thank the counselor for her time & head uptown to my dungeon where I can formulate a new plan for my life.


Later that evening I call Barneys to see how she's doin. Barneys" Hey young man how are you today" I say " I'm alright just sitting here on the computer looking at prices for multifamily homes. How was your day" Barneys " My day was good sales are up at work hopefully I'll get a nice little bonus for all my efforts" then says excitedly "SLISH!!!!!, did I tell you what happened to me after you took me to see the Exorcism of Emily Rose " Yeah I took her to see that demon movie. I respond with my fake spanish accent " Wha happen Mami" Barneys" Well 6:15 am I was asleep on my couch and when I woke up the commercial for the movie was on the T.V. it scared the shit out of me so I ran into my sisters room screaming. "
Whats wrong with this woman!!!! Please don't tell me this is the first sign of her kind of insanity. I say kind of insanity because every woman has some form of it , just takes us men a little time to pin point and manage it. I decide to dig a little further and ask " Barneys why were you in the living room sleeping on the couch. Whats wrong with your bed?" She responds " Nothing, I haven't slept in my room since January of 05. I start counting on my fingers. 9 MONTHS!!!!!!! I ask " WHY!?!? " Barneys responds " I don't have cable in my bedroom . In order for me to sleep the television has to be on. I'm puzzled " Why?" Barneys in her baby voice" I can't sleep in the dark. I sleep with light and the television on. Been doing that since the 12th grade" I respond" so what do you do when you go to the bathroom and those areas are dark in the house " Barneys " Your not listening Slish!!!! Alllllll the lights in my apt stay on!!!! Con edison loves me Son!!!!" I'm laughing my ass of cause this shit is funny and say " When you have company you sleep with the lights on? Barneys" No, but if I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I wake that ass up and they follow me to the bathroom and wait for me. OH HELL NAW!!!! Try waking me up for some shit like that she might end up stuck on that toilet in THE DARK!!!!!!!! My cell phone starts ringing thats my cue " Barneys I have to go I'll call yo crazy ass later " she laughs and hangs up.

I'm sitting on my couch and thinking Wow!!!... Barney's might be a little touched or she's pretending. Why does this always happen to me. I never meet normal women. They always have some shit to them. Here is a list of the women I've dated with abnormalities

Harlem Nites: Horrible with money. Two months behind in her rent. The rent is only 650.00 a month. She earns over 50,000 a year. No kids, No car , Just an expensive addiction to having new shit.

The Bugger: Extremley picky, Couldn't go to a restaurant unless they had grilled shrimp or ribs. We had a vip booth at Fridays. No need to tell you about her other problem since you guys have been reading my entries from the beginning.

Hot Mama: Two kids. That says it all....


Shawnla: In love with love. Once reality sets in she can't cope and runs for the hills. Oh and extremely self absorbed. I could ask her out and have the evening planned out. Soon as I pick her up. Program will be switched and I end up taking her to some spot she ordinarily couldn't take herself. Tried to get me with that shit this weekend as a matter of fact I should be on my way to her apt right now...lol


Soulmate: Afraid to leave her family and addicted to soap opera's. Refused to get rid of her outdated vcr because a recordable dvd player was too expensive. Slish fixed that problem and bought her a DVD/VCR best of both worlds. Dr Do little....... BEAT THAT!!!!


Brown Suga: Addicted to weed and cigarrettes. Can't bring her home to my parents with blood shot eyes. My father would have a field day with me.

Lady Di: Skinny like a toothpick and she doesn't exercise. If ya ask me that girl is hiding something. Hint Hint...


Barneys: Afraid of the dark and sleeps with the lights on throughout the house. Explains why she hasn't had a boyfriend the last 3 years...


I must be attracted to wounded birds. Because I never find women that have their shit together attractive. I didn't realize it until I typed that list.


WOW!!!!!!!! I'm depressed all over again.

Thanks for the heads up Grant love. I'll try not to live up to your expectations. Think I'll dedicate this blog entry to you

I met Grantlove in the sixth grade. It was a new school year and my attraction to girls was full blown. I remember walking into the classroom and noticing how well developed my female counterparts were & thinking to myself maybe some one will want to hold my hand this year. Then I notice most of the girls are staring at this light skinned curly haired boy sitting in the back. Me being an oppurtunist and no dummy sat down next to his ass. " Hey you look familiar where do I know you from" Grantlove responds " I don't know" and continues to chat up the girls. Then it hits me. This dude is not a new kid. He was in this very classroom the year before. None of the other kids seem to notice or care so I kept my mouth shut and befriended him. You know how that old saying goes if you can't beat em join em.

Couple of years go by . We're in the 8th grade now. Good & Plenty, Grant Love , & myself have built up quite the reputation.

Grant Love The Lover: No girl was safe from this curly haired freak. He was a legend. The flyest girl in 8th grade had his paw prints all over her titties.

Good & Plenty The Muscle: Got that rep while in the sixth grade. He beat up a seventh grader in self defense. Good & Plenty's hands were so fast he could hit a person twice before they hit him once.

Slish The Thief: It was rumored. I could remove a pen from a students pocket, remove the ink, put that ink in another students pocket , put pen back into the 1st students pocket. And watch the whole blame game go down.

We ran the 8th grade. Anything negative that went down we probably had something to do with it. Now I could go on for days about our elementary school hi jinks, but i'll settle for one story. It involves Grant love.

Once a year our school had a spelling bee. Each classroom had their own contest which the smart white kids usually won. For some odd reason that year Grant Love had lasted longer than usual. Since Good & Plenty and myself were knocked out of the contest early we decide to increase Grant Loves odds. We both take out our dictionaries and pieces of scrap paper . When the teacher would call out a word we would look it up & write it down on the paper. If we thought Grant Love was about to fumble all he had to do was look down at his desk and the correct spelling of the word was already there. With my stealth tactics and Good & Plenty's speed we pulled of the biggest upset of the year. Grant Love won the contest and the right to represent our class. Our teacher was SHOCKED!!!!! cause Mr. love was not the most scholastic mutha f&%$KA . Some of the other students knew what went down but didn't want to risk a beaten.

Why we did it? Probably to embarass Grant Love. We swore he would get knocked out the first round and we would have jokes for days, But once again this nigga shocked us all and got knocked out in the third round. He didn't do too bad. Had me and Gooden & Plenty fooled. All this time we helped this cat cheat on tests, let him copy homework and the whole time he had a brain.


WE GOT PUNKED!!!!!!!!!
Love ya Dog Congrats on the new baby. Hope when he grows up he has friends like his daddy.

Where were we ????? Oh yeah!!!!! My aunt tells me to leave the ER . I leave, go outside and my Uncle Slim is waiting for me. We drive off . Uncle Slim " Boy what a day huh Slishy. Did you have plans tonight ?" I respond " Kinda" Uncle Slim laughing " you had a hot date ? I respond " Yeah I was looking forward to going but shit happens" Uncle Slim " What do you mean!!! call her back!!!! You did a good job with nana today you deserve to have some fun tonight. CALL HER BACK!!!!! " I respond" Yes Sir!!!!"


Its 7pm i'm in my car now. Call is made to Barney's she answers " Hello young man '' Booooy I like this woman already . I say " Heeeey young lady . I was given strict orders to come and get you " She responds " What about your nana? " I respond " She's okay doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her. Both of my aunts are at the ER now . They're taking her home." Barney's" Thats wonderdul I'm glad everything is okay" I say " Thats riiight so put on yo pop booty jeans and a top that shows some cleavage. Slish is on the way. Barney's " Oh really!! Where are you taking me ? I respond " To da hoooood" Barneys starts laughing & responds with her spanish accent " Ju so silly. What time will you be here " I say " 9pm " Barney's responds "See you then"


I get home & finish burning my Slish your soooooo dreamy cd's, take a shower, splash on some Burberry, and put on my costume for the evening. I'm out the door and in the Batmobile by 8:25 pm. En route I call Bashment gyal . She called me while I was in the ER . Bashy picks up " "Hello" I say " Yo sorry about hanging up so abruptly earlier I was in the ER with my nana" Bashy " Is she okay? What happened?" I respond "She's okay just a fainting spell." Bashy " What you getting into tonight" I respond " Gotta date with an angel" Bashy " Bwooooy yuh busy, going out with that chick you met 2 Fridays ago" I say " Thats riiight Barneys is getting the Slish special. What you getting into tonight ? Bashy " Nothing. I don't have a man remember " Damn!!! That was some dumb shit to ask . I forgot about Venom not dating her anymore I say " I'm sorry , but you know you f&*$Ked that up. Venom really cared about you" Bashy " I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW no need to remind me. Just have to take that one on the chin" she acting like this shit don't phase her but my Slish sense knows other wise. Why she sabotaged that relationship I'll never know. I respond" I gotta go chat with ya later "


I get to queens at 9pm but didn't get to Barney's house until 9:17 pm my ass got lost. Hold up I have navigation HOW THE HELL COULD I GET LOST!!!!!!! I make the call " Your chariot awaits" Barneys comes out 3 minutes later and walks up to my car window and kisses me on the cheek walks around to the passenger side and gets in. Barneys " Where you taking me? " I respond " To my hood"

We get to the G-bar at 9:45pm . I say whats up to my favorite bartender in the tristate and grab my favorite booth . Now you guys may be wondering why do I take all my dates to the g-bar. Thats simple most brothas take a first date someplace fancy. Most likely one of their boys suggested it . You get there & the menu is waaaay out of your price range , yo ass gets nervous, causing you to pay less attention to your date and more attention to whats on her plate. That is the making of an awkward evening. I like to go where the odds are in my favor & The G-bar is just one of several restaurants I frequent.

The evening is going well. Barneys body language is oh soooo positive & my jokes are on point as usual. Before I knew it 11pm had creeped up on us and I didn't want to take her home just yet, but my funds were running low . I start to think Hmmmmm Time to take a page out of Clipperman's cheap dates 101 hand book. Twenty minutes later Barney and I are in Dobbs Ferry sitting on a bench by the water looking at the moon and the stars.

About an hour later I arrive at Barneys apt. We're in the car saying our good byes. Barneys
" Well Slish I had a wonderful time " I respond " I did too felt like we've know each other for years , by the way I don't kiss on the first date" Barneys gives me this OH REALLY NEGRO PUHLEASE LOOK ... and says " Give me a kiss" ofcourse I buckle under the pressure and say " "OKAY OKAY just this once i'll make an exception." Our lips meet and greet. Then our tongues decide to shake hands. Oh this definitely has some potential .


Time will tell.

It feels so good not to work weekends anymore. I resigned from my third Parttime job and not regretting it at all. Time to get my date hustle on.

Saturday afternoon. I'm sitting in my dungeon mixing & burning some Slish is sooooo dreamy music for my date with Barneys . My cell phone rings. I answer " Hello " its my mom " Slishy your grandmother just passed out can you go over to her apt and check on her." I respond " Is she awake now?" Mom " Yes but please go over there and check on her". Da dadda daaaaa SUPERSLISH TO THE RESCUE!!!!!! I get there in roughly 8 minutes. WHAT THE F$*K!!!! I see a police car and an EMS ambulance. This shit looks serious!!!!! I start getting nervous, then my uncle pulls up whew!! I won't have to do this alone.

I go inside the apt. I see the police officers first, the Ems workers, & my nana sitting at her kitchen table. Head soaking wet. I say " What happened Nana" Nana " Slish yuh come. Where is your auntie ( she's referring to the aunt I live with) wheres your mother is she coming?" I respond " Mommy is on the phone talking to the ems worker, I don't know where auntie is.What happened?" Nana " Mi just get dizzy and faint" The ems worker starts filling in the blanks . Apparently Nana was getting her hair washed in the laundry room and the combination of the heat and her head being upside down caused her to have some vertigo. The Ems workers wouldn't have been worried but she was vomiting. Tell tale sign of a possible heart attack or stroke. They insisted on taking her to the emergency room.

Nana " Slish mi nu want go tu the emergency room. Mi nuh dressed right" I had to hold back the laughter this old lady may have just had a stroke & the only thing she worried about is what she has on. I respond " Nana we have to take you to the er & get you checked out." Nana crying now " Why!?!? mi nuh wan go. I am a decent woman Slishy " What the hell does that have to with anything. She's confused we are definitely going to the er !!! I respond firmly " Nana. No one in the house is trained to do anything if you faint again. I'll go with you and won't leave your side " Nana " Okay mek sure yuh call your auntie." Off we go to the Hospital

We get there. Everything is going smoothly. Started to think we didn't have to come. My nana hasn 't stop talking since we got out of the ambulance. Two hours later I realize I'm not going to make my date with Barney's , So I call her at work and cancel. X-ray tech comes into the room " Sir we need to take a chest x ray of this pt" I respond "No problem " Tech " She has to take off what she has on now and put on a hospital gown " I knoooow this china man didn't just say what I think he said. I HAVE TO UNDRESS MY NANA!!!!!!! I take a deep breath and do the inevitable. Think my mind just went blank after that cause the only thing I remember is my aunt showing up and telling me "Your uncle is outside waiting to take you back to your car I'll stay with Nana"


To be continued.......

Thanks for the comment Venom, did I mention everytime I come to your house your stepmom feeds me grapes and rubs my right thigh. I would tell your pops but he might get jealous CAUSE I TURNED HIM DOWN TWICE!!!!!

I felt like starting some trouble this morning.. Hmmm who can I pick on. I decide to send Venom an email " Make sure wherever you & Au Natural go to bowl. They keep score for you." Venom responds " We are hitting this spot in Union Square, she says that they keep score." This is where my alter ego Slasher took over and types back " You are going to attempt to close this deal early. " Venom writes back " No. " No???? what kind of nice guy tactic is he trying to pull just yesterday he told me Au Natural was ripe and ready to be plucked. I type back " No?!?! you like this woman? " Venom responds " She's cool, I am just feeling her out. We'll see how it goes Saturday night. I wanna see how she is going to act around me without any support from her girlfriends etc. You understand what I am saying? Slasher types back " So instead of feeling her up. Which is probably what she wants. Your going to feel her out and get yo ass placed into the no pussy category...yeah I understand..." Venom strikes back " Excuse me ?!?!? You must think I forgot about CNN. You didn't feel her up on the first date...nah nucca you invited her to a wedding in Jamaica and you got nerve to call me a pu55y. Fagayzee mutha -effer. If she makes a move I'll respond accordingly what I am saying is that I'm not planning on making any power moves this Saturday" Silly Rabbit tricks are for kids. I respond " I didn't call you a pussy just said you weren't getting any if you don't make your intentions known right off the bat and why you always waiting on some chick to make a move. Thats wack. BE A MAN!!!! grab a nipple, ass cheek, sumthin... Venom types "Tell you what, I'll grab the left cheek and say its from the man that's trying to date her best friend( He's talking about Barney's) . Its the FIRST TIME we are going out, we will be drinking and bowling, I'm sure we will have a good time. Besides it was her that said she wasn't looking to get into anything serious and was enjoying her own company. Which is fine by me. Read between the lines negro I respond " You do that and she might ask you for my number....lol She's not looking for anyone serious!!!! They all say that till a nucca put the smack down on em. Then its like " How come I've never met your mother....lol Venom responded but not with the usually fire guess he caught on I was f&$%king with him we'll just have to wait and see what happens between him Au natural.

I would like to know who left that anonymous comment stating my mother and father are still doing the nasty. Ewww don't make me vomit. Trying to give me nightmares. My lil sis reads this blog and we both would like to believe our parents last sexual experience was the night she was concieved.

Ds3 calls me at work today . Ds3 " Good morning sir " I respond " Good morning" Ds3 How things going. I say " Things are okay could be better, thinking about losing some weight and becoming a male exotic dancer" Ds3 is laughing hysterically now and says. " Did you get a chance to work on the flyer for the after work spot" I respond " Ahhhh NO!! what that got to do with me " Ds3 " You promised" dayum this nucca is lazy. Why can't he just sit down and figure out how to do this shit himself. I respond " When is your b-day party, you said you wanted it done before then right?" Ds3 " Yes and could you design and send out an evite for my B-day party also . OH!!! THIS NIGGA!!! he must think during my leisure time I sit at home and do nothing but play with myself. I do, but thats my free time I should be able to use it as I please. I respond " Will do " he hangs up.

Spoke with Venom earlier, he and Au natural are going to an Ethiopian Restaurant for their first date. Venom " Slish she might get it. I respond " Get what? " Venom " you know what I mean " I say " No Young Jedi please explain this to Master Slish Windu" Venom " Lets just say she is very receptive" layman's terms chicky ain't had none in a while and Venom is going to reap all the benefits. I respond " You know ethiopian food is spicy " Venom responds " Thats okay its not like I'm kissing her on the first date " I was thinking more like yo ass might start to bubble ending your evening prematurely..lol. I respond " Kewl gotta go Shawnla hittin up my cellie"

I pick up "Hello" Shawnla" Your not at your desk." I respond " Yes I am I was on the phone , what can I do for you my Love Goddess" Shawnla "I was doing some thinking. I'm done with the French Man. I respond " Why what happened" Shawnla " If he really loved me he would give up everything and come to the United States and be with me" Now the only thing going through my head now is WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME!!!!! This woman is twisted she broke me off twice since she's been back and she's talking about the French Man not being in love with her. What about him? This man accepted her with a child into his home. Once the reality set in that homeboy had to go work everyday to provide for his new instant family. Shawnla gets the notion that he is not giving her enough romance & attention and decides to leave him. Now instead of understanding that this man might be in some pain & distress. She caught up in that old fable that love conquers all. When the reality is Shawnla is not in love with The French Man she's in love with a fella called Romance.

You guys ever think back to some of the silly shit you did as a kid or the things you did that you couldn't tell your parents until you were old enough not to get yo ass whupped. That would be 2o for me cause last time my mama whupped me I was 19. What did I do? Lost a key to the basment . Story Goes like this.

Mother " Slish where's the key to the basement" I say " I don't know I think its lost. Mother " LOST!!!! What do you mean lost. Lost like somewhere in the street lost. I nonchantly respond '' Yeah" Mother" GO FIND IT!!!! I respond " Thats illogical where in the hell am I going to look for this key, it could be anywhere besides if someone finds it how are they gonna know it belongs to us. Its not like the key has engraved on it Slish and his family live at this address " Yes yall I've always had this mouth and the trouble that comes with it. All of a sudden the room started to spin cause she was pulling me out of my bed before I could finish that last sentence. Yelling " Damn BWOY !!! Think I'm playing YOU GONNA FIND THAT KEY!!!! In all the confusion I must of said " I'M NOT LOOKING FOR NO DAMN KEY!!! " Mother paused HAMMERTIME!!!!! woman went Jackie Chan on me. Blows came from everywhere. Not no sissy punches either! This was some Chuck Norris Texas Ranger Shit. So I did what every big mouth coward does I RAN!!!!!! Never found the key either..lol

Tragic Child Hood Stories Part Two

I was 15 years old. Had a girlfriend for the very first time and finger popping was like having sex . Remember fellas you would stand around with yo boys exchanging stories about how many fingers you got inside some virgin pussy. YES BACK THEN GIRLS WERE ACTUALLY STILL VIRGINS!!! Anyway. One night I stayed out passed my curfew. Where was I ? With my girl trying to figure out how many fingers fit up in her coochie..lol I was in soooo much teenage exctasy that I forgot how late it was. So I had to run home as fast as I could.

Creeping into the house now. Big Poppa and Slash Mama are no where in site "whew" THEN BAMMM out of no where the I GOTCHA MAN!!! comes running out of the living room and pins me to the wall. Pops " WHERE YOU BEEN SLISHY" I respond " Out Outside" Pops " DOIN WHAT!!!! now I was not about to tell him what I was doing no sense in getting punished for some silly shit like that. I respond " Nothing?!? Just hanging out with Fondu & Phantom" Pops " WHERE!!!! this man is obviously hard of hearing I respond " Outside" Pops " YOU BEEN SMOKING!!! I start to giggle and say " Smoking what? Pops " DON'T GET SMART!! SMOKING WEED !!! now my pops obviously did not know I was the neighborhood advocate against smoking weed. I resented that statement and responded " Your crazy" Pops " WHO YUH CALLING CRAZY BWOY YOUR NOT A BIG MAN IN THIS HOUSE!!!! GIVE ME YOUR HAND!!!! I'm shook now. I obey pop's order and start to give him my left hand cause the right hand smelled like bedussy. He Pauses pops ain't no fool he figures the hand I volunteer will not have the smell of weed on it " GIVE ME YOUR RIGHT HAND!!!! I close my eyes, give him the hand he asks for & wait for the world to come to an end. Sniff Sniff Sniff I open one of my eyes and my pops gives me this knowing look and says " Go to bed. Next time yuh come in the house late. Your outdoor privileges will be taken away" A warning???? ain't that some shit. Old as my dad was he still remembered what pussy smelled like. Probably thought to himself YES!! YES!!!!

I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out how to injure myself while on duty so I can go on workers comp leave. Preferably a broken leg. Maybe I could provoke a pt into kicking my ass that would be work related.

My cell phone is ringing. Its my boy Good and Plenty " Yo what time you get home from work tonight I need to burn some Cd's" Why won't this fool by a damn burner!!! Oh I forget he has a family of four. 2 daughters and a wife with an expensive jeans fetish. I respond " I'll call you when i'm leaving work it should take me 40 minutes to get home. And don't come over too late either Slish's music hut closes at 11 pm. Nucca need his beauty sleep." Good and Plenty laughing " When did you turn into a sissy." I respond " Hmmmm. Let me think maybe it was the day your wife tricked me into washing your daughters hair. I AIN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE!!!!!!! See you at 10:30 pm. One." Good and plenty hangs up...

Now I never did finish that story about Barney's. The young lady I met 2 fridays ago. Brief description 27 years old, 5'3, lightskinned, hazel eyes with long sandy brown locks she's slim but not as slim as Lady di. Lady Di was anorexic slim. Oh yeah & she's a make up supervisor at Barney's.

Since we exchanged numbers we've been on the phone quite often. Almost every other night. I call her or she calls me. We enjoy each others convo so far. Come to find out the female voice you hear spitting poetry in those Mcdonalds commercials is hers. Da Da Da Da Daaaaaa. I smell dollar signs. She's Paying for the first date. Nah for real she's Paying...HOLLA!!!!!

Its Saturday morning, my back is killing me, and Harlem Nites is sound asleep. I get up and sit on the edge of the bed. I'm feeling kind of woozy just can't remember why. How did I end up here again ? MUST BE THAT DAMN HENNESY!!!!! its the devils elixir. Make you do all kinds of unlawful shit. Think I need to call my Fea(Flesh eaters anonymous) sponsor .


Things start to come back to me now. Lets go back in time a moment. Its Friday night. I leave one of my part time jobs at 10 pm because I told Hot mama to meet me at the club at 11pm. I'm headed to my homegirl The Pharmacist's house. My job is to take her to as many social gatherings possible. Her futere depends on it. Being attractive, 32, more than just gainfully employed doesn't cut it anymore. Finding a man in Nyc is like finding a job after 911 too many applicants & not enough open positions. When a position finally becomes available the employer fails to tell you that its only partime. Why don't I date her? Thats simple can't f@$%k all your female friends. Do that and you won't have anyone to help you figure out the female persona.


I get to The Pharmacist house at 11pm . I call her and let her know I'm outside. She comes out 5 minutes later looking OH SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN. Pharmacist gets in the car. I look away quickly don't want her to catch me staring, don't remember her looking this good when Venom was dating her. Then my cell phones rings interrupting any nasty thought I was about to have. Its Hot Mama " Where you at" I respond " I'll be there in five minutes. Hot Mama" Don't make me cut you" I respond " Did you say something about giving me some cut." she responds " Whateva " and hangs up.


Pull up to club at 11:30 pm . Hot Mama is sitting in her car . Pharmacist and I get out. Introductions are made. Off we go. As were walking towards the spot I notice that it looks a little like my after work venue EMPTY!!!!! Pharmacist " This place is not poppin WHERE THE DUDES AT!!!!! I respond " We haven't gone inside and already your putting out that kind of energy into the universe, and your boyfriends name is WHAT!!!!! shut up I'll pay for you okay." She responds " Good looking out Slish"

I see this little dude come outside. He starts talking to the bouncers at the door. Figure he must be the promoter . Then my Slish sense starts to tingle flashes of titties and full lips pop into my head. OH SHIT!!!! I slept with this dudes wife !!!! before & while they were married. I'm nervous now cause i'm not quite sure he recognizes me or even knows about me & Mrs Jones. I move quickly ushering Hot Mama & The Pharmacist inside. I pay for everyone and head straight for my friendly neighborhood bartender . Slish sense starts to tingle again. Mrs Jones is here!!!!! I don't see her, but I know she up in here!!! OH SHIT!!!!! OH SHIT!!! I SEE HER!!! I pull my hat down over my face but my disquise fails cause when I sat down at the bar. I felt this tap on my shoulder . Mrs Jones " I knew that was you. Can recognize that cocky little walk from anywhere" I respond " Heeeeey how you been. I see you're here supporting your hubby." She ignores my statement and starts to size up Hot Mama " So is this your girlfriend " I say " Naw just a friend you know i'm moody & can't keep a woman. Mrs Jones " Well I wouldn't know didn't hang around long enough to find out remember you were just my break the glass" ( layman terms- Dick in a glass. Only break during times of emergency or deep emotional distress) Thats my cue to leave. Why she bringing up shit like that while her husband is lurking around.


I'm at the bar now caressing Hot Mama's back while drinking my second glass of Hennessy. I say " Think I can get a second chance at the chocha" She smiles and responds " I don't give second chances " I respond " I deserve a second shot conditons were not right the last time we tussled. Need a bed so I can spread you out. Hot Mama gigling "Your Crazy " I don't remember what happened next but I must have struck out, cause I ended up calling my break the glass.

Today one of my bosses comes into my office with a memo HHC HURRICANE KATRINA VOLUNTEERS. It states our hospital is recruiting employees with specific expertise to go to Louisiana and help with this catastrophe. Now if given the oppurtunity how many of you reading this blog would volunteer ? I'm curious leave comments please. I put my bid in. Slish has submitted his name. If I get called i'll probably go. First time I would have done anything this selfless. Well does letting the opposite sex jump up and down on my pubic area for pleasure count as selfless. Hee hee.

Harlem nites is trying to step her game up, asking me to spend more time with her. I ask her "Wouldn't that mean we're in a relationship? " Harlem responds " Yeah whats wrong with that. I say " Did I not explain to you what would happen if we got together" she's goes silent then responds " Hmph, NO Slish why don't you tell me" I say "I Would get arrested" Harlem " Arrested why!!!!!" I respond " For choking yo ass for spending my money and your money. Baby we both have poor money management skills, together we're like an atm that doesn't need a pin number to get cash " Surprisingly she laughs and responds " Whateva man when you coming over" I say "Soon" knowing good and well our interaction needs to come to an end.


I hope tonite goes as well as last Friday . Venom and I went to my homegirl The Actress going away party at my former after work venue last friday . Since both of us have been dealing with some wishy washy sista's lately we figured going out and recruiting some new blood would do us some good. Venom and I get to the gathering about 11pm. Two targets are spotted and off to work we go. Venom is scheming on a short lightskinned shorty with beautiful locks . I over achieve as usual and step to a buxom caramel sista with an au natural. Then the Dj starts spinning some old school & the crowd goes crazy. Au natural grabs Venom & starts shaking her money maker and shorty with the locks grabs me. We start dueling . She does a move. I show her the same move with a little sumthing extra. Locks is impressed now, does something a little more difficult but like Bone Crusher " I AIN"T NEVER SCURRED" give her back the same steps but with gravy. ITS ON NOW!!!!! WE FULL BLOWN!!!!!. Then reality sets in . The pain in my leg comes first then the respitory abnormality. Warning Warning!!! Slish you have reached your critical limit. Time for your old ass to sit down. I look around and spot an empty stool next to where Venom & Au Natural are dancing . I think to my self there's gotta be better way. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and call The Actress over to me " Whats up with shorty with the locks, she single? " Actress responds " VERY!!!! but your competion just walked in. " I look to my right and spot this dude smiling at my prize for the day. I move quickly and call my dance partner over to me and say " Thank you" She says " For what" I respond " For giving me a mild heart attack". She laughs. I ask "Whats your name" She responds " Barney's ( thats not her name, but you guys know how I get down real names will never be revealed unless you piss me off) Barneys asks " Whats your name " I respond " Ju don't know !!!! Barney responds " No" I respond " Give me your business card and i'll tell you" She says " I don't have any " I say " Then I guess your phone number will do " Barney gives me this look and says " I dunno" I turn and show her my good side. Barney's pulls out her cell phone and says " Give me your cell phone number" uh oh this sounds like a brush off then she presses the send button " Now you have my number" Whew!!!! thought I was slippin...


Stay tuned..to be continued

Why is it when a man tells a woman he is no longer interested. We're bad guys, assholes & confused. Let a woman tell a guy she's not interested. Soon as we ask for clarification we're put into the stalker, pussy & winer category. ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!

Today I told Lady Di I will no longer pursue her romantically and that we should maintain our current friendship. She found this completely unacceptable and asked how could I make a decision like that without informing her. I'm confused now cause thats what I thought I just did . Lady Di believes that I cannot make a decision like this so soon in our relationship. What relationship!!!! We went out like 3 times !!!!! She what the hatians call CWAZY. I take that back Lady Di isn't crazy she's really a lovely person and deserves better than what I can offer right now. Maybe 3 months from now she'll understand.


My boy White Chocolate called right after my conversation with Lady Di. I tried to tell him the situation but he seemed more interested in my last entry about me sending a provocative text message to Clipper man. He thought that was classic. We get on the topic of Clipper man's new Mobile car wash business and White Chocolate asks if he's still cutting hair I say "yup" and he mentions that his brother still gets his hair cut by Clipper man. Which to him is totally a waste of time since he's been going bald since the late 90's we both laugh hysterically. I say " Seriously Chocolate you have to tell him " White Chocolate " How I am supposed to do that " I say " How bout Big Bro you look like George Jefferson with a fade then tape his face to the mirror for an hour. It worked on my brother. Once he noticed the black dye from just for men was staining his scalp he was scared straight. Week later he was sporting The Slish Look.


Spoke with Hot Mama recently. She just got hired as a corrections officer and is going into the academy for a couple of months. Girl wants to get her dance on before her start date and asked Mr Slish to oblige her. Since that might give me another shot at the chocha. I quickly agree. Only thing Hot Mama can move she might tire my ass out causing me to have another malfunction. Think I'll be drinking Redbull and Hennesy Tommorow night. Increase my odds.

Hello friends and fam. I've been awaaaaay a looooong time. Needed a break even decided to stop writing, but a few emails stating STOP BEING SO DAMN LAZY SLISH, I can see the crickets all over your blog page SLISH, and my favorite UPDATE YOUR BLOG ALREADY DAMMIT!!!!! I didn't know you guys cared. Truth be told I was testing yall, trying to see if anyone would miss it and a few of you did so I will continue to write.

I went to Jamaica two weeks ago. Haven't been there since 1997. Last time I was there a dred tried to chop my ass. He asked me " Eh yankee bwoy you want a taxi" me being the wise ass that I am responded " Mi nuh need nuh rass taxi" he responds " Bwoy who yuh tink yuh talking to." Then starts to look around his taxi mumbling something like where's my machete. Like the hatian's Say OOh OOh and I was out !!!!!! thought to myself white rum can make you say some dumb shit. Anyway the reason for my visit this time was for my best bud Phantom. He and the misses decided they wanted to be married in paradise. No muss no fuss. I don't blame em cause getting married in the United States is torture and a recipe for bankruptcy. 100 dollars a plate for food that keeps you in the bathroom for at least three days isn't worth it. Phantom's wedding was just like him straight and to the point.

Wish I could have brought someone. I was the only one without a date. The whole weekend I Listened to my so called buddy Fondu call me a loser for coming by myself. He can kiss my ass. At least I didn't wait 8 years to marry the wrong woman. He's in hell & he know's it. I feel sorry for his wife. She's doesn't have the life she thinks she has. Marriages like this one usually last like 50 years. Then the husband dies and the wife shouts, " I'M GLAD THAT BASTARD IS DEAD" WASTED ALL MY YEARS ON THIS LOSER" DUMB ASS THOUGHT I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ALL THE OTHER WOMEN. THATS WHY JUNIOR LOOKS LIKE MY EXBOYFRIEND....lol. Hopefully she'll figure it out and leave before this scenario happens.

Back in the the good ol U.S of A. First person I called when I got back was Shawnla. Been fiending for that booty since I left. Tried to send her a text message but when I pressed the send button it accidentally went to clipper man. That was some embarassing shit. The message I sent was very graphic OKAY!!! IT WAS DOWNRIGHT NASTY !!!!! He probably saved it and sent to his lady. lol Nothing goes to waste with Clipper Man.

I finally caught up with Shawnla that friday. We went into the city, had dinner, and a few drinks, actually it was only two drinks my ass was on a budget. Trying to curtail my spending habits since the meeting I had with my financial counselor. She gave me such a tongue lashing something about staying out of tittie bars or was it just bars period. Anyway after I settled up with the waitress I ask Shawnla what she would like to get into now. She says lets go to the tele . Flash back i'm on a budget. We're going to auntie's. For that ass i'll risk it all !!!!!!


Slish is back!!!!!!!!